This chapter will be on Jiyong POV

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“What do you mean by Daesung has left?” I looked confusedly at Yongbae and Seunghyun hyung who looked at me sadly. I was just getting my conscious after few days staying in the intensive room of the hospital, and the first thing hit me was the fact that Daesung has left with his birth mother.

His birth mother? Seriously? What could have happened when I was unconscious? Because as I remembered, Daesung hated his mother, yet he left with her?

But seems like my two brothers understood my confusion as Seunghyun hyung said, “Story short, I told Daesung about everything, about his mother, about the truth of everything” I looked in wide eyes at my hyung. Has he lost his mind? He’s telling Daesung all of that? Daesung would be completely crushed if he knew. “I know what you’re thinking, but Daesung is stronger than we think, Jiyong.”

“You told him about everything? And he just left with that woman?” I asked. Part of me really felt mad and disappointed at Daesung for abandoning us, his hyungs who have been by his side for 20 years. Not to mention, that I was still in unconscious state when he decided to leave and paid no care if I was alive or not?

“He does worry for you, Jiyong. He was by your bed side, crying and begging for forgiveness from you. He... He left you this letter.” I look at the envelope Seunghyun hyung offered me and took it. Although I was still in mixed feelings, I took the letter out and read it inside my heart.

Jiyong Hyung,

I know I am such a coward to write this letter to you, but I really don’t know to face you and apologize. I know hyungs have been telling me that it’s not my fault that we lost our maknae, but I just couldn’t do that. Every time I looked at maknae picture, I will keep thinking of him. Every night when I lied on my bed, I would thought back of that accident that took maknae life away. And every time I looked at you hyung, I would be always reminded that I was in wrong; I was the one who killed maknae. I was the one who caused you to lose your favourite maknae, hyung.

I know you must have hated me for losing maknae. I can see it in your eyes, hyung. Although you didn’t say it out, but I can tell that you blamed me. I’m not mad at you hyung. In fact, I blame myself too. That’s one of reason I couldn’t face you, hyung. I was afraid to look into your eyes. I have no courage to face you, hyung. I was afraid to face rejection from you, Jiyong hyung. Please forgive me for being so coward.

Right now, I was so lost, hyung. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to keep living in the house that full of memories of our maknae. It’s really suffocating me to the bone knowing that I would never ever get to see maknae again. It’s so hard for me to move on from my guilt, sadness, and sorrow.

That’s why I decided to take time alone. I needed the space and time. I needed to find myself back. Jiyong hyung, when I am ready to arrange myself back to how I am always be, I’ll be coming back to you to ask forgiveness myself.

Oh, and hyung, one more thing I want to share with you, hyung. I have finally found my birth mother. I have finally learnt about the truth about her. And now I know that she does love me. Now I have someone I can call ‘umma’. But hyung, my umma is sick, she’s dying. Again, please forgive me to choose to stay by her side. She needed me, and I needed her at this moment. I wanted to know my mother. I wanted to feel the feeling of having a mother by your side.

Jiyong hyung, I know I kept saying this, but please forgive me for my selfish decision. But right at this moment, I really needed this.

And hyung, I just want to tell you, I love you and thank you for accepting me as your dongsaeng.

I love you...

It has been few days since I got charged out of the hospital. And it has also been few days since I got to this big and empty house; the house that I once loved for its aliveness inside. But right now, it’s just look dead to me, just like how the one living inside. It’s all dead, no sound, no noise around like it used to be.

No maknae loud voice annoyed me anymore; no maknae cheerfulness to brighten up my day anymore; no maknae cause trouble for me anymore; no maknae smile to warm up my heart; no maknae presence to keep me continuing living anymore; no maknae presence tore away myself.

“Maknae, I miss you so much...” I cried myself as I hugged the pillow that still has maknae smell lingered around. Looking at every corner of maknae’s room just reminded me of my maknae everywhere. No, it should be every corner of the house just made me reminded of my maknae. It’s a torture for me. I kept seeing my memories of maknae e