I really couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning while Yixing was sleeping like a log beside me. He even started snoring. It must have been a while since he got to sleep well and I am kind of jealous. I think the last night I got to sleep peacefully was maybe I was 5 months pregnant. Yeah so probably around Christmas... and even now since I don't have a huge belly like before, I still can't sleep. I was always the best sleeper on my stomach and it still unsettling to lay on it.

Since I wasn't going to bed, I might as well sit in the living room and watch a movie or something. So I took the baby monitor with me, just in case, I don't want the babies to wake him up since he looks like he might sleep for another 10 hours.

In the darkness I close the doors, quietly feeling helpless

The couch was always more comfortable anyways because I just sank right into it. It was a pretty big, cushy couch and I'm really glad I bought it. With my blanket draped over my body and the monitor with my water bottle right next to me, I the television and searched through the channels trying to find something decent. I mean it was almost 1AM in the morning and usually a lot of the variety and drama shows were done by now.

Maybe I should put in a DVD and just watch that? Or maybe catch up with the latest news? Usually they have some type of news on. I flipped to the most common channel for serious news and finally landed on something decent. Hopefully this would help me fall asleep. But the news was always interesting to watch much better than some of the dramas that are out there.

Right now it was the entertainment industry part of the news. Gossip, gossip, and more gossip. I wonder what they had today to say. 

Basically it was talking about comebacks and who was going to be the new song of the summer. EXO was up there. So was 2PM, Girl's Day and even f(x). 

While I was taking a sip of water from my water bottle, I almost spit it back out from what I heard next on the news.

"Singer from S.M. Entertainment and now new mother to twins, Taylor, has been rumoured to make a comeback within the next couples months. They have said that she is taking a small break for a while to raise her babies and then plans to make a full return to the stage. Nothing can stop her. Ever since the news that she had the babies from her finacee, Lay from EXO's, weibo she has been all anybody has talked about in the music industry. Even major groups have said they want to meet the star studded twins when they are able to." the reporter said. "It seems like that little family is going to busy for the next little bit."

The stage that has changed, certainly leaves a regretful reflection

A rumour that I'm coming back? Only have a couple months of having twins. I mean I told Mr. Lee that so he would let me leave for a bit but I didn't think he would actually do that. Especially since I asked for like half a year to get every sorted out. I want to introduce my kids to solid foods before I even think about returning. So then I could leave them with someone while I go out and do stage performances and they can eat properly.

But it's just gossip, they haven't even started talking to me about stuff like that. 

Crying then came from the monitors and I could hear the babies crying from down the hall too. I hurriedly went to their room, forgetting about the television. I didn't want the twins to wake up their father so I closed their bedroom door behind me. I noticed it was only Jackson crying while Layla was just passed out. Layla was turning into such a good sleeper ever since I came back from the hospital with them because of their allergy.

"Now why are you crying, my little angel?" I cooed as I took Jackson from his crib and went over to the rocking chair so I could start rocking him back to sleep. 

Jackson looked up to me with his tear filled eyes and he just looked so cute, his bottom lip was jutting out. He was only one week old and he already started using the puppy dop face? I began to quietly chuckle as I began to rock him. I hummed and held him close.

Everything I do for you may not be enough
Still I struggle to hold you tight
There’s no way anyone will be able to replace, just like our promise

He smelled like baby powder so there would be no way Jackson already pooped. He was probably just being fussy because he slept for most of the day. I also fed both of them only almost 45 minutes ago. Maybe he was just a mama's boy...

"Taylor? You are up again?" I heard a soft voice and looked up to see Yixing standing at the doorway, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Couldn't sleep." I responded, looking back to Jackson.

The sound of footsteps came closer to me until I notcied Yixing was behind te chair. He hung over it and wrapped his arms around my shoulder and leaned his head on the top of my head.

"Does it have to do something with the move?" he asked. 

I didn't want to say yes or no but it might have been an obvious answer. I really didn't want to leave Yixing but it was for the best. Some time where he doesn't have to worry about choosing between EXO and me.

Tears started to fall down my tired skin. I even started sniffling.

In the time that slipped away, I use my tears as a tribute
Remembering all that happened in the past
I want to say sorry, but I love you so much

"Please don't be mad." I mumbled quietly, trying not to let my tears fall onto Jackson.

Yixing sighed, releasing himself from me and going back around the chair to face me. He leaned down, resting his hands on my thighs, his eyes staring deeply into mine. "I'm not mad. I'm just scared about how much I'll miss you guys."

As long as you are happy and blessed, I am willing
To give you everything

"I kind of don't want to go." I admitted.

"No. Go. I don't want you to regret this. You need to. No matter what. I know I won't be around for you. So please... go for me." he reached out and wiped away some tears.

The amount of love I had for him. Why did I deserve someone like him? What I have done so special to end up in this position right now? I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. But Yixing... he is everything. Smart, humble, kind, caring, funny, but so mature. Everything. While I'm just me. I'm nothing special or extraordinary. It just hurts sometimes. He doesn't deserve me. Maybe thats another reason why I'm leaving.  For him to move on. Maybe one day while I'm gone, he decides to not get married to me. I'm so scared.

I slowly nodded, seeing now Jackson was back to sleep. His dimple was showing, just like his fathers.

"Taylor, please smile. I haven't it such a long time." he pleaded.

I will protect your smiling eyes regardless of everything, only for you

I couldn't. I just couldn't...

I don’t know when it started, the you who smiled is not you anymore

~~

After Yixing practically carried me to bed due to exhaustion, I was out for more than 10 hours. When I woke up, I was frantically looking around for any sounds of crying. I hated sleeping when the babies were so fragile right now. What if they were hungry? I hurried out of bed and ran to the babies room to find no one. No sign of the twins in the cribs or even Yixing.

Then I rushed into the living room to see Yixing on the couch, feeding Layla while Jackson was in his swing. My heart beat was slowing down and I relaxed, my hand clutching my chest to calm down my breathing as well.

Yixing turned around and looked at me. "Good morning, beautiful. Sorry I didn't wake you but you looked like you needed some sleep." he reassured me. "Don't worry, I woke up everytime throughout the night."

"You didn't have too." I walked towards the three, sitting down next to Yixing on the couch.

"I even did some packing." he smiled while laying Layla back down into her swing. That sentence felt like I was being shot throught the heart. His smile while he said that...

"Yixing..."

"Why can't I do my job as a dad? To help the mother of my children? Even I helped you so you don't get overwhelmed with packing and trying to take care of the babies." he told me. "I packed most of their clothes into those boxes. Except for a few outfits just in case they ruin some clothes today. I did some laundry because it's been awhile. I even packed some books and toys, just in case."

That's it. The tears just poured. Like a thunderstorm. My wailing was the claps of thunder. I was a mess. I couldn't think. Everything was blurring over. My vision was getting blurry from the tears.

If your heart can no longer give me that kind of love
I will still remember those memories
So blurry that I think it’s a pity

Then more crying could be heard, I knew it was the twins. But I just couldn't stop. I felt nothing.

I felt warmth surround me. Yixing was pulling me into a tight hug. He forced my head to lay on his shoulder while his arms s around my waist, pulling me so close. 

Please don't pay attention to me. The babies are more important. Just please. Let me be.

"Everyt