Chapter 45

He blinked. Tears quickly followed. His throat clogged up with warm desires to reach out & grab her back as her body disappeared down the hall. The sound of the wheels echoed through his ears. He pressed his lips together & then swallowed thickly, raking his hair back with shaking hands.

“Jaejoong.” He flinched unexpectedly as Mrs. Hwang’s hand touched his shoulder, “I’m sorry. I know…”

“We all are.” He murmured. His eyes closed, “I have to go.” He took a step forward, letting Mrs. Hwang’s hand drop down. His throat began to clog up again. He quickly brushed the tears that fell down from his eyes away. His only need now was to be alone.

He hated himself. He had came too late. He should have never gone back to Seoul. It was a stupid mistake! He should have known better than to leave her. One week gone, he called her three times each day. She had again, stubbornly refused to tell him until the every last minute. What came in between them for her to hide it away from him?

She loved him & he knows it for sure. It was the secrets she kept. Whatever lies in her, he could easily read from the look of her expressional face but her secrets? God damn, it was her soft heart that didn’t want him to be hurt but he hated it! His understanding towards her had always been clearly stated but she never could understand him.

Jaejoong shook his head & looked up. The sun was already setting & he had no idea how he could have gotten to the bridge in such pace. He looked down at his hands clasped together & closed his eyes. Jesus, he missed her. One last day with her would have been enough for nothing in return & he thought they would spend their last time together & what about the wedding? They had been planning for it ever since his proposal. The ivory strapless beaded organza ball gown she had brought still hung on her closet door. The catering phone number & other reservations were folded neatly on her night table. The first thing he saw when he entered her room was an empty bed where she had once laid on. He missed her body & the thought of her jumping into his arms was the first thing he had imagined her to give him when he came back. Well, he received a gust of her air. Fumbling into his pockets, Jaejoong felt for a velvet-wedding parcel ring case & took it out. His fingers clumsily opened the case. The 14k white gold engagement ring lined straight from the wedding ring. He had bought two for the sake of time but it seems like that time had run out on him. As the sparks of the diamond glistened, Jaejoong snapped the case shut.

He bit his bottom lips, fists balling up. His eyes began to redden again. He swallowed a curse down his dried throat & beat the cemented rails of the bridge.

He should have seen it coming. She gave him the hints he needed to know. She took his proposal right off the bat just for his sake, though it had taken her more fights than she needed to get to it.

He shook his head, refusing to believe what had happened really happen. What was this? A curse on him? Hannie. Now his Fany. How could a powerful love be broken by death? No, not yet. It was just her body that had disappeared away from his life. She was still with him, only without his eyes seeing her but how could he continue his life without her? It would never be the same again. Plainly never.

He cleared his throat, ran his fingers over his closed eyes & tucked his hands into his pocket. A gust of breeze blew past him. He took in a deep breath & suddenly paused shortly. His fingers felt the dryness from a clot of paper. Brows twitching together, Jaejoong pulled out the white clump. It had been washed along with the pants.

He unfolded the paper gently careful not to tear it as it had already. The dryness clamped the corner & edge of the note as he spread it out on the rails of the bridge. The ink had nearly disappeared & was smeared along the curves of its own letters. His eyes glinted softly as he caught her writing.

‘Jae,

I don’t have much to say but to tell you how much you had changed my life in the short time I have left. This is the greatness night I had ever had & I thank you for it. I don’t know when you’ll catch this letter but when you do, you would already been in Seoul. I have had this aching pain inside of me for a week now & I knew that if I don’t start admitting how much I love you, I’ll regret it the day I die but it’s too late, isn’t it? I know we promised each other to get marry & spend the time we have together before I leave but that time was too short. I would do anything to expand that time but yet, I would do anything to get you away from seeing me like this. It’s the worse I can do to our relationship, Oppa. I want you to know how much I love you & I didn’t want you to see me like this.

After Hannie died, you found me. Now I’m heading towards her, Oppa. When you found me, imagine how happy Hannie must be & imagine how happy I’ll be when you find another one. Don’t put yourself in a quiet place, Oppa. That’s how I came to love you & you to I. Look towards the bright side. I’m in a better place where I’ll experience no physical pain at all. Don’t try to turn back, Oppa. See everything as it is now. Though the secrets I hide are still hidden inside of me, I know you’ll figure them out someday & when that day comes, you’ll know what lies within every secret. I love you.

Never alone,

Your Fany’

Jaejoong took in a deep, angered breath, pressing his fist against his mouth. He closed his eyes as a tear slid down his cheek. His body began to shake. The desire to shout out clogged in his throat. He clamped the paper up into his fist, pounding against the hard, cemented rail. He had a chance, a chance to had caught her note before it was too late. How could he not have felt for the damn thing?! It was in his pocket the whole time. The wedding ring box was lying right on top of it.

“Why, Fany? Why?” He kicked his foot against the wall, burying his face into the palm of his hands. Her beautiful smiling face flashed in his mind. He quickly opened his eyes, only meeting the gaze of the flowing water & reflection of the orange sky. A regrettable sigh escaped between his lips. He looked down at the letter. A tear splashed onto one of the words. He tucked the crumbled paper back into his pocket, narrowing his eyes to stop the tears.

She loved him enough to risk dying with the pain alone. It’s stubbornness that will never die in her, even though her spirit had long disappeared. Loving again, wasn’t on his list. Loving her was enough & loving her will keep him alive. She would understand. True love never dies.

As his cell phone rang, Jaejoong jumped back to reality. He looked up with glinting eyes. The sky had darkened already. He reached for his cell phone as it rang for the eighth time. Not quite awaken yet from his daydream, he flipped the phone open & pressed it to his ear.

“Hello.”

“Where are you, sonny?” His heart sunk at the sound of his grandma’s voice. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, she beat him to it, “I waited for you yesterday to come back & give me a little visit but you didn’t come. When you didn’t come during lunch today, I got worried. Where are you? Are you alright?”

“I...I’m fine, grandma. Don’t worry about me.”

“You sound different.”

“Sore throat.” Jaejoong murmured, clearing his throat again.

“Well, wherever you are, come back to the hospital & I’ll give you some medicine.” Mrs. Kim seemed to flip through some pages of her book, “Chohee came by today & gave me some magazine to look through.”

“That’s nice. What kind of magazine?”

“Wedding stuffs, of course.” Mrs. Kim chuckled, “Chohee had already chosen her dress so I decided to.”

Her voice slowly disappeared from the hearing of his ears. He stood still, gazing at nowhere. His body became stiff. The wedding. There is no wedding. There is no bride & he thought he was the only one looking forward to it. How was he going to explain to family without tripping over his words, without showing his emotions & without leaving everything behind? He wasn’t expecting this.

“Sonny? Are you still there?”

“I am.” Jaejoong mumbled, looking down.

“What do you say then? White, red or pink?”

“Pink.”

“I thought so. Now, we’ll have to make the orders early. You told me that Tiffany had already gotten her wedding dress & you, mister, need to order your tux. We don’t…”

“Grandma.” He interrupted slowly, looking up at the dark sky, “Stop the wedding planned. There’s no wedding. I’ll explain when I get back.” He flipped the phone shut & turned it off. His shoulders slumped. His head hung down low. He slid the phone back into its place & then rubbed his restless face. The streetlights began to light on. His shadow cast lowly. He breathed in a shaky breath, backed up & crouched down. Easily, his eyes spotted the dried up peppermint. He gulped, reaching out & felt the edges of the clump.

‘When that day comes, you’ll know what lies within every secret’.

He briefly shut his eyes. The presence of her body surrounded him. A breeze of air blew past him. Her laughed was like a melody to his ears. He stood up gradually & started to walk the way back to her house while listening to her soft laughed.

‘It’s my secret to keep & you not to find out why’

‘You have a lot of secret, don’t you? A penny for one of your secret, Fany’

‘It wouldn’t be a secret anymore if I tell you, Oppa’

‘But it’s not worth hiding everything, Fany’

‘Sticking gum onto a wall isn’t anything’

His lips thinned. Sticking gum onto a wall is more than anything is. A secret count as a secret & he surely knows what it is. Loving her wasn’t enough. Knowing her secrets aren’t enough. He needed her.

Sticking his hands into the pocket of his khaki plain front comfort waist no iron chino pants, Jaejoong looked down & continued walking. One foot before another, one teared before another, “I need you so much, Fany, so, so badly.”

The End

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

i'm sorry to all my readers for making this story a sad ending unlike all my other stories with a happy ending but i wanted to try using a different ending

hope you guys still enjoy it as much as me :)

-butt3rflyl0v3r