~Previously on 'Holding Onto Her'

Siwon is back in London once again to hand in his last assignment before his graduation. He met with a lady on the plane. They had small talks but he didn't get a chance to even know her name. While on the plane, he continued to read the diary entries of Sooyoung and he is shocked to know that Sooyoung still had lingering feelings for him at the same time, she's in love with Daniel. She thought she could fight it and she did manage to do so. But the walls that she built came crumbling down when she found out that Siwon was coming back to Seoul. She planned to go to the Choi's mansion to talk to the pair and discussed about the final touches of the wedding but little did she know the real intention why she planned to do so was to actually catch a glimpse of the person she had missed all this while. She knows its wrong to do so, especially when she already had a husband and a child. A small family that is perfect; just as she wanted even if its not with Siwon. When Siwon read all of her words and found out that she actually went to the apartment with anybody knowing; he felt warm and happy to know that Sooyoung still thinks of him and misses him just like how he always did after she broke up with him. 

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Today is the day of my graduation! Finally! I am in my car on the way to the venue where the graduation ceremony will take place. I was so nervous, I could actually feel my lips tremble even when i am smiling. So, to ease my nerves, i switched on the stereo of my car and a song could be heard. Once i figure out what song it was, in an instant the nervousness that i was feeling, died down. I started to searched for a parking space but i decided to stay just to wait and listened on till the song end.

I walked out of my car, locked it and walk to the ceremony. I was lining up for my turn after the speech from the head of school and the president of the student body had made. There were around more than twenty students in front of me and i was getting more nervous as each name was being called up one after another. I looked down to my shoes and i tried to adjust my tie, academic dress and the mortar board that was on my head. After doing so, i looked up to the stage. The annoucer then called out for a person name Lauren Kim Eun Su. I then, a person who was 5 people away from me went up to the stage to get her gradution scroll and degree. She turn to the face the crowd and bow down. At that exact moment, my mouth dropped as she is someone that i never thought that i would ever met again. She is the person that was on the plane. So, her name is Lauren. Lauren Kim Eun Su. I never thought that she will be in the same University as me. 

"Andrew Choi Si Won receiving for 3-years Bachelors Degree in Business."

With that i got back to my senses and i fastened my pace to walked up the stage and took my scroll. After getting down from the stage, i tried to search for Lauren, the stranger plane buddy. Unfortunately, she was nowhere to be found. I went to the group of friends that were in the same class as me and we congratulated each other for the achievement that all of us had received. I graduated for business with a Bachelors Degree within just 3 years while the rest took the normal 4 years. I was lucky to be able to meet them this way. They're really nice, understanding and supportive people. 

After awhile, i left the venue and headed back to the place that I've been staying in for the past 3 years and a few months. Its not a dorm nor is it an apartment of my own. This house belong to my family. Its a family vacation house whenever we went to London and being in here always reminded me of all the memories that my family had made ever since we first set foot in London. I was very young back then, around 10 and Kyu hyun was around 8. During Christmas and winter whenever we decided to spend it here in London, Kyuhyun and I would be every excited. We would wake up really early just to play snow at the backyard of the mansion. Mum and Dad would always shout from their bedroom balcony, demanding us to get our inside because its really chilly outside. Now being in this house and going back to Seoul in a few hours time, it felt really heavy on my heart to leave this house. I don't know when will i be able to come back here once i worked in the family's company once again, alongside Dad and Kyuhyun. 

I close the door and lock it. I dragged my luggages and carried my bagpack with the help of the housekeeper that had been taking care of the house for a long time. I was driven to airport and there i said goodbye to Mr Su. I, then, make my way to the registration counter to check in for my flight. After a while, an announcement was made to notify passenger of the flight taking off in about half an hour. I brisked myself to the immigration and then to the plane. This time i got the seat that i wanted and after settling myself comfortably, I took out my phone to text Seunghyun to tell him that I am on my flight back to Seoul and I'll be reaching Seoul in about 11 hours. I was excited to get home to find out who is the lucky girl that had capture the heart of Seunghyun, one of the guys that I've known my entire life who is so hard to pleased. I'm sure she is beautiful and nice. But one other thing for sure, Seunghyun's special person will definitely have a long hair bacause ever since we're still children, Seunghyun has crushes that have long hair and even when he started a realtionship with the ladies, in fact all of them have long hair. For example; Lisa, his long time girlfriend and now, just friends. 

I fastened my seat belt as the usually flight announcement was made. After awhile, the plane started to move. I look out of the window as the city of London seemed to get smaller by seconds passed. I looked into my bag to take out the book to read the next entry and to get rid of the boredom that strucked me. If only, the "flight neighbour"  for today is a stranger like Lauren, the flight won't be as dreadful as it right now. Eh, why am i even thinking of her anyway? Lauren is just a stranger. My complicated brains are acting up again. Stay focus brain. Don't need to think of the unnecessary. She is just a stranger that happened to come by for just a while. 

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Dear Diary,

I don't know what to think today. Seunghyun went to meet up with Siwon oppa at Sunshine cafe. He texted me asking me to join them. He wanted me to tell Siwon oppa the whole truth but i refused. He said Siwon oppa deserve to know the truth and if he knows the truth about everything, maybe he'll be able to find his own happiness and he'll be able to move on from holding onto the past; holding onto me. I want to go, join them and tell him the truth. I want to mend the relationship that we both had. Even though the situation  and responsibilities that we have now is different i just hope that we can still be friends. I miss having him around. I brought Yungeon with me because theres no one at home and i can't possibly leave him at home alone. Daniel is at the office and the ahjumma went home early because she was sick and the babysitter is having her off day. 

When the decision was made and i manage to collect my courage to speak about the things that i kept in for many years now, something happened. I nearly lost Yungeon to an accident thank god, Siwon oppa saved him. I was about to lock the car and Yungeon was by my side before my attention was shifted to the the floor of the car to grab Yungeon's soft toy that was scattered behind the driver seat. When i finished clearing the scattered toys and lock the car, I hear a scream and a loud screech of a car on the small road in front of the cafe. I looked to the side of the car and my eyes widen when i realized Yungeon was not by the side and he was nowhere to be found. I ran to the crowd and thats when i saw Yungeon being embrace by a familliar face who was laying flat on the floor and unconcious. I took Yungeon off of his upper torso and someone in the crowd called the ambulance. It was chaotic. I was relief that my little baby boy was not in any harm and was not hurt by the accident but at the same time, i was feeling worried.The person who nearly knocked Yungeon down and had Siwon oppa laid unconscious on the ground due to the hit that was caused by the side view mirror apologized umpteenth time for being not alert enough and even accompanied Siwon oppa till the he was send to a ward. He couldn't stay for long because his mother was sent to a hospital in Singapore for treatment but right now his mother is in a severe condition. So, he just paid for Siwon oppa's medical bills. 

I waited for Siwon oppa to regain his conscious before i decided to tell him anything. When i checked with Dr Tiffany, the doctor-in-charge, about his condition and came back to the ward once again, I saw him playing with Yungeon and i could see both of them had opened up their hearts to one another. I sat down and tried to have a talk with him and to just said things that i planned to say. However, when i tried to say those words in my head, Siwon oppa was ahead of me. He asked me about my life and if i was living happily now that he found out that I had gotten married with Daniel and now even had my first child. I was abit hesitant as of what i should answer in order to not hurt him but i decided to tell the truth. "I'm the happiest than i've ever been." Who wouldn't be happy when they found out that their sacrifice is worth while? Daniel is cancer free and i became a mother now to my lovely son, Yungeon. 

I know i should have said that because i could see how hurt he was feeling inside. I didn't manage to tell him the true reason why. But maybe its better off this way. I, then, only managed to tell him that i was truly sorry what i've done to him the past and i want us to be friends even if we can't be like how we used to in the past. Thank god! He agree after a long contemplation. I was glad that even if he didn't know the truth, Siwon oppa still doesn't change. He was still able to forgave me for hurting him and even agreed to mend our relationship as friends. But i still couldn't over the fact that i nearly lost my son back there because of my careless mistakee and the wrong decision i made. As much as i am happy that Siwon oppa had accepted my apology, I am scared that maybe the accident that nearly did happened to Yungeon is a sign from god for me tojust end my feelings that still lingered in my heart for Siwon oppa even when i am already someone else's wife and a mother. Maybe i should and i have to. I need to focus all my attention to Yungeon and stop being busy with taking care of my complicated heart. I need to also fulfill my responsibility as a wife of Daniel Lee Seung Jun and leave this feeling behind. I can do this!

Sooyoung

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It strucked me once again that her word are true. The events that are happening right now is different. She has reponsiblities that are different from mine. Commitment that she choose to take and have to when she left the apartment door. She knows she can't love two person at once especially not having two different guys in her heart when she is already married. Its wrong and she knows it. I am at fault too. I kept her, here, in my heart when i shouldn't have because its wrong to be in love with someone else's wife. I am a mess. I know. I flipped through the pages for the next entry when i realized that theres no more entries left.

I closed the book and plugged my ear piece and listen to songs on my playlist. Every song reminded me of her and its getting worst as the song changes one after another. I need to get my act together. I need to get it in my head that she is already married and she is happy with her little family. I need to see her as my friend and not an ex-girlfriend whom i was about to propose to nearly 4 years ago. I need to understand that i deserve the happiness that i've been searching for after the all this time of holding onto her which had caused me so much pain. I need to change that love that i had for her to a love and care between friends. Before i knew it, the pain that was wreching my heart, became much, much more unbearable. I could feel my eyes starts to swell and puff with tears. I looked out of the plane window to find my inner peace and to calm my heart down. I need to take it all in and start to move on. I need to and i have too. If its not for me, I should at least do it for Yungeon. Out of the blue, i could feel my cheeks begin to have trails of tears that formed when a tear or two escaped from my eyes.

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~In Seoul,

Where is Seunghyun? I had reached the airport and Seunghyun was nowhere to be found. He told me to tell him when i was coming and i'd reached but yet he is not here. Is he trying to make a fool out of me or what?Seunghyun, you're dead once i get my hands on you, you got that! All of a sudden the thoughts that i have about me killing him for making me wait for an hour were being paused as i heard someone called out my name.

"Siwon! Mianhae."

"Yah! You made me wait for not only 5 mins but an HOUR!"

"I'm sorry Siwon-ah. The traffic was crazy and i didn't manage to bring that someone you've been anticipating to meet, here. She had something urgent to settle. I promise you that you'll meet her soon. Let's go get you home. I'll bring you to meet her tomorrow."

I just shot him a glare and he helped me with my luggages as we walked out of the airport to the carpark. I wondered who that person he is so excitedly talking about. I hope this one is for real. 

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The next day,

I came down from the stairway after getting ready to get out of the house to meet Seunghyun at his house next door. Its around 12 in the afternoon. I've had breakfast with Dad, Mum, Kyuhyun and Seohyun. We had a talk about when i am planning in starting to work once again in the company and Kyuhyun had been bugging me ever since i set foot in the house; asking me when i am getting my in the office again. He had been under pressure for a very long time with the business's new projects. I told them i still needed sometime to think and i need to settle somethings first. Probably in about 2-3 days, i'll get my in office and resume my work in the family's business after a long hiatus. 

I stood in front of Seunghyun's family's house and as a nice neighbour that i am, i decided to call him through his phone and within a ring, he answered. 

"Hey, i am in front of your house, neighbour. You said you're going to introduce me to that 'special someone' and yet you are still at home?! You made me curious of who it is and haven't you heard of a saying, "Curiousity can kill a cat"? If i am a cat i would have already died, okay?"

"What? But you're not a cat. Arasso. Arasso. I'll be out in a minute. Just let me get ready first."

After what seemed to be taking forever, we reached a Starbucks cafe. Seunghyun took my order and went to the counter to pay for coffees. After awhile, Seunghyun's eyes began to light up. I turned around to see who was walking in from the entrance. I saw a familiar figure. I squinted my eyes to have better look. My eyes widen in shock.

"No, this can't be..." I mumbled under my breath as i began to frown, worried.

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Author's note;

I hope this is okay. Will update soon. I hope you enjoy reading this. Its longer than i expect it would have usually been so, yeah. Thanks for reading, commenting and subscribing. Really appreciate it. Sorry for the flaws.