I took a big breath when the car stopped. The man, sitting in front gave me a quick glance checking if I’m ok, If I’m ready. True was I wasn’t. I wondered if I am actually crazy or stupid. Mostly likely both.  I scanned the building. Could I do it?

Someone knocked on my window and it gave me goose bumps for a minute. On the other side man was staring at me, expecting me to come out. He didn’t seem to be annoyed that I still unmoved from my place. Man sitting in front finally left the car and came to the other side to open my door. It was time.

I was scared, there was no doubt about it. Considering that I still didn’t remember the accident, it was like my body knew anyway. I legs were shaking. The door opened and I felt cold air on my exposed skin. I saw offered hand and didn’t hesitate to take it.

• Are you ok?  - asked Kris.
• Yeah – I said. Even I didn’t believe my own words. I was desperately holding onto his warm palm. Was I ready to face all those people inside.
• Come on, or we will miss our flight. Everything will be ok. We have managers and your guard here – he mentioned man from front seat.
• Let’s go – I said, not letting go of his hand.

We passed first door and that was when I noticed the crowd. I didn’t think that Kris still may have so many fans. They went quiet as son as I walked in with Kris, my supposed to be boyfriend. I was waiting for the moment went someone will go crazy. I squeezed his hand even stronger, getting ready for harsh words from the crowd and maybe violence. I practically closed my eyes shut afraid someone will hit me.

But nothing like that happened. All fans stood quietly behind the barriers. Nobody said a world. I scanned quickly people around us. Kris was smiling and saying hello, how he was passing buy. At some point his arm landed around y shoulder trying to assure me, that it’s ok.  And the first words emerged.

• Unnie, take care of oppa Kris and bring him back here !  - I looked up at girl with a big sign “ I hope you will be happy, Kris Oppa”. She smiled at me and I found myself smiling back.

I couldn’t however relax my muscles. I was on alert how I was passing by. As soon as we moved towards the gates I heard some talks. Through all the departure process I let go of Kris only when I needed to go to check in. Apart of that I was stuck to him like a glue. My confidence was nonexistent.

Kris could sense my stress. Apart of fans and whole situation it was still the flying that petrifies me. After boarding we took a seat in business class. Seats were very comfortable. As soon as plane started moving I found myself squeezing seats. I had no clue how to survive such a long flight.

• Ash, put that on  and close your eyes.– Kris’s gentle voice forced me to open my eyes and look at what he was holding in his hands, two earphones.

I did how I was told. Soon beautiful melody sounded in my ears. On top of that I felt his hand cough tine. He entwined our fingers like we would be a couple for real. But it didn’t matter. We grew close for past weeks and I trusted him.  I didn’t expect however what will wait for me in China. And then after China Premiere we supposed to go to Korea and Japan.

Music in my ears helped a lot since most of flight I sleep. For the rest I was watching a movie together with Kris, who didn’t complain when I was sleeping on his shoulder. His promise to take care of me was serious.

When we left the plane and I needed to face the crowd again, I was sure what to do. Would reaction here in China would be similar like in England? I was clearly tired and stressed. Kris caught my hand and looked t me. I took a deep breath.

• There will be some media too. It’s first time when I am back in country in a while and let’s face it, everyone wants to see you.

I wanted to smile but I just took another long breath and stepped forward together with tall man on my left side and a bodyguard on right.

Fans here were different than the one in London. There was no barriers that would keep them so they came as close as they could. Scared like a cat, I came even closer towards Kris and let him shield my body. As soon as fans saw that they moved a bit away, one person telling other to make space. There were many pictures, flashes everywhere and voices. It was hard to make out when I was going. I totally trusted Kris on that and just followed his lead. But even so crowd was very close nobody touched me or insulted me. It was like I became a celebrity overnight. They had to be really scared of loosing Wu Yifan.

I relaxed a bit when we got to the car. I sat next to my fake boyfriend. It’s good we became friends as I have no idea if I would be able to handle all that.

• Are you ok? You are not hurt right? – he asked concerned.
• No I am fine – I responded. – A bit scared I guessed.
• I understand. We will head to the hotel now and have some rest before the premiere and promotions.  I will ask my manager to go through with you about my schedules. He will give you training that you may find useful in this industry.
• Ok – I said.

Hotel was beautiful. It was not even close as the one I remembered to stay in. It was more posh, high standard. People were eying me. We both held hands all to our rooms. Kris was a gentleman and didn’t have any idea like previously, to let me stay with any men, even himself in the room. I was on my own, with a lock on doors. I was informed I will have a health check in the morning, so I should just rest. But instead I sat at the little balcony outside watching stars. It was late when we landed so now sky was dark and the air was fresh.

At that moment I had a memory coming through to my head, followed by a strong headache.

I was sitting outside, Kris next to me. He was saying something to me about the boys. I looked at him trying to figure out who he really was. And then all became black and painfull.

• Are you ok Ash? – I have heard and only then I noticed that my fake boyfriend’s room is next to mine as well as balcony.
• Yes thank you just tired – I said.
• You know, I remember how you sat with me outside. Back then I was often angry at you. You seem so carefree around boys. I know some of them really liked you. But it was to chaotic back then. Our life was too hard.

I looked at him. Even so his face was half hidden in shadows, his eyes sparkled in the darkness. He seemed lost in thought for a while. He missed them, it was obvious.

• Xiumin was asking about you – he said suddenly.
• Did he?  - I said more surprised that Kris actually talked to him, than that he was asking about me.
• Yes – he said – he is the only one who talks to me – he added. – they think I betrayed them. It was my fault I didn’t tell them I want to leave. I should have trust him, especially Tao.
• Do you miss them? – It happen to be more of a statement than question really.
• Everyday. But I got broken at some time and I couldn’t o back to pretending everything was fine – he said.
• Could you looked at the camera? – he said quietly.
• Why? – I was unsure.
• I want to send it to Xiumin. He wants real thing not a media stuff – he said.

I noticed small smile on Kris’s face that night. His eyes however were sadly unchanged, hurt and lonely.