Seohyun and I entered a famous wedding gown shop in Gangnam. There, coincidentally, we met her friend who’s going to get married. She was really pretty but I forgot her name. She also asked me to come to her wedding day so Seohyun and I looked for dresses.

“Seohyun, all these are so sophisticated. We might look more beautiful than your friend.” I whispered to Seohyun as we browse through a brochure.

“I think so too, unnie.” She said plainly and she continued browsing.

“Why don’t we just use some of the dresses in the dorm? I’m sure you could borrow Yoona’s. She has many designer gowns and we didn’t ask manager oppa for allowance.” I stopped talking because Seohyun is clearly too engrossed in the brochure. It’s as if she’s getting married already.

“Unnie! I like this one for my wedding!” Seohyun suddenly squealed to me. She showed me a wedding gown that is really drop-dead gorgeous. And I’m sure she will look good in it because of her long legs and good ratio body.“Look at this, isn’t it beautiful? Will it look good on me, unnie?”

“Seriously, Seohyun. I think Sooyoung’s soul penetrated your body.” I joked. She shot me a glare.

“I really like the designs here, unnie. You should look for yours, too.”

I pursed my lips as Seohyun handed me the brochure. I guess it’s not bad to dream, right? I really wished that I would be doing this with the one I will marry. We will choose the dress that I will wear. We will make the guest list. We will do everything together.

My frustration grew as my hand flipped over the pages. How I wished Kris was here by my side, looking through these pages with me. Judging which one would look good on me. Which one would reveal the best of me. I stopped lifting the page when something caught my eyes. It’s really beautiful… It’s not that stylish. It is simple yet it is dashing. Would Kris like this on me? I never had a great body. I never had those long legs. How could this possible fit on me? Tsk.

I realized that I’ve been staring too long at the dress when I felt Seohyun’s eyes watch me. “I really think we should go home now, Seohyun. Let’s grab a dinner on the way. I’ll wait outside.” I gave her the brochure and stood up. I saw our bodyguards outside without those creepy sunglasses. I swear they have good looks.

When I stepped out of the shop, they immediately put their sunglasses on and stood in attention. I walked over to them because I thought they are familiar. They bowed 90 degrees to me. I squinted my eyes on them. They look super familiar.

“Unnie!” Seohyun called me and I spun around. I quickly walked over to her and her friend. We bid each other good-byes and Seohyun asked our body guards for a ride to the grocery store near the dorm. They immediately got a car for us. Seohyun and I sat on the back passenger seats while they sat in the front.

“Seohyun, I think those bodyguards are familiar.” I whispered to Seohyun. Her eyes got big in surprise but she brushed off the thought.

“Maybe you see them in SM.”

“Maybe… But the thing is… They’re hot.”

“What are you thinking unnie?” She shot me an angry look.

“Wanna flirt with them?”

“Unnie!”

We bought ingredients for Italian style spaghetti good for 9 girls. Seohyun said it is still part of our maknae-fake maknae bonding time. We told the body guards that they may leave since the dorm is just a corner around. When we get back in the dorm, Hyoyeon and Yuri were back from their schedules and they were just frying chickens.

“Where are the others?” I asked them.

“Taeyeon and Sooyoung will be very late. Yoona said that the shooting had just started, so she might come late, too. Tiffany and Jessica had a night out together. They left just now.” Hyoyeon said.

“I guess only four of us will eat dinner, huh? Ahh… Where were you?” I asked.

“Yuri and I practiced dancing with Lay and Luhan.” Hyoyeon said.

“Oh? You’re with EXO-M?”

“No. Only with Lay and Luhan.” Hyoyeon answered.

“I thought they were shooting for their MV…” Kris said so.

“They did. Lay and Luhan joined us after.”

“I see…” Of course! Possibilities…

Seohyun was in charge of the pasta while I am in charge of the sauce. After an hour of cooking, our dinner is ready. Seohyun insisted that she sit beside me. Hyoyeon sat in front of me while beside her was Yuri.

“How was the spaghetti?” Seohyun asked Yuri.

“I like it.” Yuri said plainly which made Seohyun frown.

“It’s daebak, Juhyun!” Hyoyeon said to cheer her up.

“Gomawo, unnie!” Seohyun said.

“How was your day?” Yuri asked.

“Sunny unnie and I went to the mall and had some quality time with each other.” Seohyun said.

“We have bodyguards! They’re hot.” I added.

“Really? How I wished I was with you guys…” Yuri said.

“You should have! Our bodyguards are hot, and they’re gentlemen.” I told her.

“Yah, Soonkyu! Don’t forget you have a boyfriend…” Hyoyeon mused.

“They’re not that dashing as Sunny unnie expressed.. They aren’t my type.” Seohyun said.

“Well, we haven’t seen their eyes yet. Because of the shades they wore. If I meet them at the SM Building tomorrow, I will get their numbers.” I said.

“Let’s go to SM tomorrow! Let’s practice!” Yuri said.

“No, I can’t. I have other plans for tomorrow.”

“What plans?” the three of them asked me at the same time.

“I’ll talk to my uncle about the schedule I have. I’ll also ask him to cancel the contract with MBC. Since Manager-sshi won’t cancel it for me.”

“Why cancel that? You’ll gain more exposure.” Yuri said.

“Yeah, right.”

“What about Kris?” Hyoyeon asked.

“I’m thinking of breaking up with—”

“Mwo?!” the three asked—exclaimed at the same time.

“I said, I’m thinking about break—”

“Why would you do that?” “Are you out of your mind?” “Don’t you dare.”

“Why? He’s busy. I am busy. I miss him, but he doesn’t seem to miss me. I think we should cool off.”

“You’ll give up right now?”

“No!”

“You don’t love him anymore?”

“It’s not that!”

“Then what?!”

“I am just thinking, okay?!”

“Thinking is bad for you.”

“I can’t help thinking!”

“You should relax more!”

“Relax? How can I relax? It’s been weeks since we last saw each other. I miss Kris and Hyomin saw him with another woman last night but then she said she was wrong, but what if Kris bribed Hyomin for not telling the truth? And the contract we signed isn’t even starting.”

“You know he’s busy with his comeback. You should be happy.”

“Unnie, you weren’t like this before. Back when you were still not official, you would patiently anticipate the day you’ll meet him again. Not like this, you’re rushing things.”

“Yah Lee Soonkyu! You should be happy that you have a boyfriend. Unlike us.”

Suddenly my phone sprang to life as it rang. It was Kris. I looked at my members and they were nodding. I got up from my seat and headed to the balcony.

“Yoboseyo?”

“Sunny-ah… Bogoshippeo.”

“We just talked this morning.”

“Should I miss you only once a day?”

“Yah!”

“We just ended dinner. You?”

“Just finished.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing… Looking at the stars.”

“Do you have a problem?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Are you sure?”

“I want to see you.”

“I can’t…”

“You’re busy?”

“Yes.”

“Arasseo…”

“They said that we will start emceeing soon.”

“I can’t wait.”

“Me too…”

Silence.

“Will you lull me to sleep?”

“Wae?”

“I want your voice to be the last thing I hear for tonight.”

“I can lull you to sleep forever.”

“Will you?”

Of course. Then I started humming to the tune of Star, Star, Star. Then I sang. I chose it mainly because I can see the stars in the sky, partly because of the meaning behind it. Although the meaning is not suitable for lulling Kris to sleep, I still continued.

Love you as much as the stars, stars, stars, stars, I came for you to find you, you're that far shining star. Stars, stars, stars, no matter what I say, I really can't express myself. I'm frustrated now, what should I do now?

“Goodnight, jagiya…” I whispered through the phone. I sniffed my tears before hanging up.

By the time I get back inside, they are cleaning up the table. I went inside the room I shared with Taeyeon, picked up a random book along with my reading glasses, and slumped myself on my bed.

“Pretending to be busy again?” Hyoyeon entered the room.

I didn’t answer. I tried reading the words printed on the book but nothing entered my brain.

“Manager-sshi just called Taeyeon. He said you’ll start emceeing next week.”

I looked up. “Really?”

“Ne. So cheer up, okay? You know I hate seeing you cry.”

“I’m not crying.”

“As you wish.” Hyoyeon said before leaving the room.

A smile crept to my lips. I may not seem like it, but I am really happy inside. I bet my heart was jumping in ecstasy. Finally! I’d get to spend a day in a week with Kris!

The days passed more cheerfully than last week. It is a Saturday. Wearing a simple pink dress and high heels, manager oppa accompanied me to the Show! Music Core Studio. Of course I wouldn’t be late. Honestly, I asked manager oppa to bring me to the studio a little earlier. The director showed me the script for the day. I smiled brightly as I read the script. It is definitely a SunKris Shidae. I find it amusing that my name and Kris’s name was simultaneously all over the script.

Kris came after a few minutes. After the director gave the script, I immediately ran to him. I hugged him like there’s no tomorrow.

“I missed you so much!” he said, tightening his arms around my upper body. Good thing I wore super high heels so that I could reach him. I breathe in his scent.

“I missed you more, Kris.” I whispered. I gave him a long stare enough to make him smile before breaking the embrace. We had to stay professionals. I dragged him to our seats where I was reading the script. A couple of unnies passed by us giggling.

We had a real conversation while reviewing the script. Since I had been an emcee in different shows before, I told him some tips I found very useful. After a few minutes, the show started. When the show ended, the director congratulated us for the success and the high viewer rating we got for the day.

“Kris, are you— ?”

“Sunny, I had to go back to SM Building. They are still practicing.”

“Can I go with you? I want to see the boys, too.”

“No.” he said sternly.

I frowned. I just wanted to be with him more.

“I’m sorry, Sunny. Maybe next time.”

Then he kissed me on the lips. It was a restrained kiss. But I wanted it unreserved. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him for another kiss. This time I wanted it to linger on my lips. Long enough to satisfy myself. I don’t care if other people see. Let them see how much I longed for this.

“Expect more when I get you by myself.” I whispered before I pulled out completely.

“I will.” He smirked.

“I’ll go now. Take care.” I told him.

“Text me when you get home.” He said. I nodded.

My fingers rested on my lips, trying to feel the warmth and passion of his lips earlier. It was burning yet it was restrained. Probably because of the attention we’re getting back there. The ride back home was silent. It was awkward. Inside the dorm, only Jessica, Tiffany, and Sooyoung is present, watching TV.

“Where are the others?” I asked them, tossing my bag to an empty seat.

“Yoona, Yuri, and Hyoyeon are practicing in SM. Seohyun suddenly had to go to her parents’ house so she’ll be sleeping there. Taeyeon had a date.” Jessica told me.

“Date?!” Tiffany giggled at my response. “Who?”

“We don’t know. She wouldn’t tell us.” Sooyoung said.

I shrugged. “Have you seen the broadcast?” I asked them.

“What broadcast?” Jessica said. As if you don’t know. I rolled my eyes.

“Baby, have you seen the broadcast?” I hugged Tiffany.

“What broadcast?”

“You guys are unbelievable!” I stormed off to my room and locked it behind me. They were just playing around with me again. I reminded them before I left. It’s impossible that they forgot about it.

I sent Kris a quick message telling that I arrived safely at the dorm. I lied down on my bed and stared at the white ceiling above me. Kris. Why are you so reserved? Don’t you miss my kisses as much as I missed yours? Why don’t you want me to see you practice? Is there something wrong? You could always tell me. I am not your girlfriend for nothing. I turned my head to the framed picture on my bedside table. “I love you Kris. Do you love me?”

No matter how the days passed more cheerfully and excitingly in pursuit of seeing Kris, I still feel the same at the end: Sad, disappointed, mad. Sad, because the search for happiness never seem to end. I feel disappointed, for every weekend I look forward to, something is missing. Mad, of all feelings, I feel mad. Mad at myself for not having the courage to stand up for our relationship.

Only during the show I could tell that we are together. Only during our screen time I could tell that we are happy together. Sharing our laughter, quick glances, and everything else when the camera is in front of us. But after the show, when I am anticipating for a dinner, a date, or just a stroll would do, he had to be with s, as I go back with my own members.

It was also frustrating, how almost every weekend, the dorm would be frustrating. We were never complete. It’s either four or five of us are in the dorm, or all eight of them are outside, probably having their own party together without me. But of course that’s not the case. They were all individual schedules, nothing more, and nothing less.

It’s been four weeks of loneliness. And today is one of those weekends that I feel sad, disappointed, mad, and frustrated.

a/n: I hope you like the update~ please comment what you think :)