Recap... (Chapter 30)

Jaejoong was just desperate. Because even he wanted an escape. Even he wanted peace. He wanted what Tiffany and Eun Jae wanted. But he was torn, either decisions or choices he makes will break down a side. There was no right answer, there was necessarily not any wrong ones but there was pain. Pain was just there waiting to see where it will go. It was waiting for Jaejoong to decide its destiny.

Jaejoong’s desperation grew each day, it just grew and grew.

A small knock on the door sounded and only Seyoung turned to see who it was.

There she was, Tiffany.

She looked refreshed and she smelled like a brand new barbie doll. She looked clean. The press had a frenzy when she exited her car at the hospital. Almost every security guard in the hospital was not enough to hold the press back. They bombarded her with questions but she decided to hear it as background music, and that’s how it sounded. Conversations in the background that didn’t mean a thing to the main focus.

Tiffany wasn’t sure how to feel being inside that hospital. At one side she was feeling sad seeing Eun Jae that way. She may have done sinful things but she would never wish this amount of harm to anyone she perceived as her enemy. Especially to a mother of an innocent child whom she herself had cared for as well.

“Hi Jaejoong…” Tiffany said, and Jaejoong didn’t even bother to turn.

Tiffany could feel a crack in her heart.

It was at that moment that she had felt Jaejoong was already gone.

She was no longer necessary.

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I broke the number 3 on my keyboard, dammit.

Enjoy!!!

Chapter 31: Pain Like No Other

It had been an hour since Tiffany arrived and Jaejoong had not even bothered to say hello. Tiffany was a tad bit confused, she left Seoul in good terms with Jaejoong, but at that moment things may have taken a turn and she didn’t understand why. She doesn’t recall doing anything mean at all. It wasn’t like she wished Eun Jae’s death for him to feel that way. Being in that room made her feel all sorts of awkward that she never knew a person could feel. She felt truly uncomfortable even if Seyoung talked to her. Although in every mid sentence, Seyoung would glance at her brother’s back in hopes that he would turn around, even giving out subtle hints in their conversation for Jaejoong to turn.

Tiffany recognized them all and she knew Seyoung was being nice not trying to make things more awkward but it wasn’t helping the way she spoke either. It was too obvious. Seyoung excused herself to buy some food for Tiffany, at first she had declined but Seyoung insisted. Not wanting to sound rude she had said yes to the offer.

And now there she was alone in that room with an unconscious Eun Jae, a ignorant Jaejoong and her awkward self. “Are you at least going to say hi to me? What did I do for you to act this way?” Tiffany said, and Jaejoong sighed. “Please don’t be mad.” Jaejoong said, talking about Tiffany’s tone. But could he really blame her?

“Then talk to me. I’ve been here an hour already and those are your first words to me. Please don’t be mad?” Tiffany said mockingly. “I don’t want us to argue in front of Eun Jae. Doctors said she could still hear us even if she’s unconscious.” Jaejoong explained and Tiffany tried to keep her cool. She wanted to be respectful. She and Eun Jae hated each others guts but nonetheless the two knew how to give respect at moments like this.

“We need to talk Jaejoong…” Tiffany said softly. Jaejoong simply nodded in reply. Tiffany waited for words but she got nothing. For the rest of the day Tiffany decided to just text Taeyeon, to try and distract herself but Taeyeon was only interested in knowing if Tiffany was doing okay or how Jaejoong was and neither of the two, most especially the latter, was helping her.

Yunho came in after a couple of hours and later he was followed by Junsu, Changmin and Yoochun. They brought some flowers and food. Flowers for Eun Jae and food for Jaejoong to eat. When they entered the room they could already feel the strong eerie feeling. The tension was clashing as well, with Tiffany just seated on the couch and Jaejoong in a distance from her, seated right next to Eun Jae’s hospital bed, his hand on hers.

The hurt was emitting from that room. Changmin had excused himself several times, always saying he wanted to go to the cafeteria. Yoochun claimed that it was Changmin being Changmin but they knew that it was because he didn’t like feeling uncomfortable. The excited Junsu didn’t enjoy the atmosphere, and he was weirdly quiet the entire time rather than the usual self. He and Changmin didn’t even argue once. Yoochun kept himself busy by trying to talk to Tiffany, making sure she was feeling some sort of comfortable feeling. He tried to talk about Tiffany’s pets instead, he knew she wouldn’t want to talk about Jaejoong.

Yunho on the other hand tried to converse in a serious manner with Jaejoong’s sister Seyoung in another side. The two exchanged in whispers, not wanting the others to hear their conversation, most especially Jaejoong and Tiffany. “So… He’s been this way the entire time?” Yunho asked and Seyoung nodded. “To be honest Yunho it’s been tiring to look at. I know he feels bad, probably guilt, who knows really. But Tiffany came, and he barely noticed her. She hasn’t left, and I don’t know what will happen when this is over.” Seyoung said and Yunho was a bit caught off guard with her last statement. “When this is over? Is she dying?” Yunho said and Seyoung immediately shook her head.

“No, no no. Not that. I mean…” Seyoung sighed, she looked at her hands and played with her fingers. “I don’t know if she’ll make it but what i meant was whether she makes it or not things might not just be pretty or fixed. This alone, it already looks ugly. Who knows how Jaejoong will act to whatever happens to Eun Jae, or what will happen to him and Tiffany. I don’t want his career to tarnish or his relationship with Tiffany or Eun Jae too either. Its obvious he cares for them both.” Seyoung said and Yunho nodded.

“But maybe he just cares for Eun Jae a whole lot more…” Seyoung said and Yunho scratched the back of his head. “I think it’s more than that. The way he feels for her is completely different. I’ve seen him with Tiffany, he did love her at one point but I feel like everything was some sort of distraction to the bigger picture. That being that he really does love Eun Jae. I don’t know why. He simply spent a night with her that one time and after that he was like a lost kid. Or a kid looking for its favorite toy. Crying when he couldn’t find it, forcing people to search for it and feeling truly depressed and distracted.” Yunho said and he made a point.

After that one night it seemed as if Jaejoong had changed. It wasn’t bad nor was it good. No one could really notice it, because Jaejoong was quick to cover it up when he grew close to Tiffany. At first things were just friendly flirtation but it escalated quickly due to the emotional state that Jaejoong was in. It was like he simply took Tiffany as a life saver in an ocean of his own emotional pain. She was temporary, just something to help him float to shore and then leave.

But he got invested, and so did everyone watching them. They immediately became the golden couple that everyone looked up to. Teenage girls wanted to have what they had, and teenage boys had to try and reach up that level for their girlfriends. They were the spitting image of perfection. But in every perfect image, behind it was the true thing. Although Jaejoong and Tiffany never really fought, nor was there anything ugly even behind the image, the two of them were masking pains that they knew the whole world would not understand.

Sure, the image was perfect. Yes, they definitely did have a wonderful relationship even behind closed doors. Tiffany enjoyed every gesture that Jaejoong gave and every moment spent with Tiffany was magical for Jaejoong. But deep inside they knew something was not right but they chose to ignore it. They were blinded by the perfection that they spat out to the world, the perfection that they made but what the media molded and tossed back to them.

At a certain point, it felt like walking on eggshells and they didn’t even know it.

Inside Tiffany was not happy. She had a man, that’s for sure. She had great friends, a wonderful dream of what a family she could have. But the missing piece was her family. She thought of her wedding day, where the entire side of Jaejoong’s family was filled and her’s was completely empty. She thought of the future children she’d have, how they spend Christmas with Jaejoong’s family and not even a second with her’s, because they didn’t even want her.

Tiffany felt like her life was invested in Jaejoong and if that was the case she had to invest that with her family, but how could she when they refused her, basically disowned her on their own merits. It was like having this one perfect section of your life but a gigantic black hole in the middle. And that made her feel pressure. Because she was the golden girl of the golden couple, people thought she came from a good family. Because no one knew her in Seoul, she found the opportunity to tell the world a fib of what she dreamed her family life would be.

Inside Jaejoong was not happy. He was thinking of the woman who, after a night, had made him feel special. During the day he was not really happy, she got clumsy and entered his life and gave him something special and it made him feel all sorts of special. He felt loved. With the way the limelight came, you could say Jaejoong was happy. But if you thought about it, he was not.

He had fans who cared, but they only saw the outside. He had two families, but it was a constant battle being the middleman. He was rich, it brought happiness but it wasn’t the kind he wanted. He had friends, but to them he felt shy expressing his true feelings. Jaejoong, on the inside, had this black dot that would not come off even if you doused the entire bottle of bleach on it. He was aiming for a happiness that he didn’t even know was. And it only made him feel lost.

He felt like his life was the kind of life he dreamt it to be. And because he felt that way, he thought settling was the next best thing. Settling for the kind of fame he had, settling for the kind of music he made even if he wanted to expand it a little and settled for a relationship with Tiffany whom he thought at the time was the happiness that he tried to desperately to find. At that time, it did feel like Tiffany was the happiness he needed, but it was like she was like a gift box in the size of an engagement ring box. You would think it was the engagement ring you have hoped for but when you uncover it to discover a keychain all you can do is smile.

Neither of them was happy, neither of them knew how to achieve happiness and neither of them was getting anywhere. They were stuck, but only because they made themselves feel that way. No one could get them out of there except them.

-

The following day, Tiffany spent the morning thinking about her life. She went through her photos with Jaejoong. Articles that wrote positivity on their relationship. Looking back at them, you’d expect a girl to feel happy. But she didn’t. And it annoyed her. Looking at her pictures, she had the feeling of anger and she didn’t know why. She threw the photos to the ground and pushed her cup of coffee off the table, falling to the ground and breaking.

With her head in her hands she sighed and tried to calm herself down. She tried exercising to relieve the anger but it didn’t help. She needed the long awaited confrontation between her and Jaejoong and it was really now or never at all. She could fight for it, or walk away and let the media fabricate stories about what happened and let the world believe a lie over the truth.

On her way to the hospital she thought of what to say. She thought of how she was going to say it but she also kept thinking of how exactly she would get Jaejoong’s attention away from Eun Jae so that the two of them could talk. The thought of it all just made her chest feel tight, and have her head just go haywire.

Of course. When she arrived the place was swarming with media all wanting to take a piece of Jaejoong’s story. But the guards kept shunning them but of course the media was persistent. Patients leaving the hospital were displeased, instead of being happy that they were out, they had the urge to go back inside.

Tiffany parked far away from the entrance. Thinking that she could enter the building from the other end, only to be surprised by a group from the media who were smart enough to try and cover that part of the building. She fought her way through the crowd with the help of the guards and in five minutes tops was already awaiting the elevator to arrive to the ground floor.

When she entered, she was alone. No one else was there with her but her thoughts. They bounced around the elevator. She felt trapped in that box with her thoughts. Mainly, the thought of fear. Fear that Jaejoong would choose Eun Jae over her. Tiffany was a smart girl, and she knew that the chances of that were higher. Her visit from yesterday had already proven it to her. But she was a smart girl who had a shred of hope clinging to the thin thread. And she was going to use that, she wasn’t going to waste it.

Walking towards the hallway to reach Eun Jae’s room, her pace was slow. Tiny steps, she took. She was in no rush. Mainly because she was scared. She wasn’t ready but she had to push herself to be ready because it needed to be done. She had kept things on hold for too long. She learned that from her visit to her family. She had kept them waiting for too long, and resulted into the kind of hate that they felt for her.

Before she could even enter the room, Jaejoong had opened the door. He was headed out to pick up some food. Seyoung kept badgering him through text messages that were annoying. He turned off his phone at one point but Seyoung had called the hospital and had the nurses scold him.

The two of them stared for a couple of seconds until Tiffany realized they were out in the open and people were beginning to look. “We need to talk in private.” she said, and Jaejoong didn’t know where the best place to talk was so they ended up in the bathroom of Eun Jae’s hospital room, it was the only private place they could talk.

“Who knew the suite rooms in this hospital could be this small and cramped.” Tiffany tried to make small talk but she knew that she shouldn’t. “I want to get to the point, so I’m going to ask, where are we now Jaejoong?” Tiffany asked and Jaejoong simply looked at her then at the plunger that was next to the toilet Tiffany sat on. Tiffany waited for an answer but there was none.

“Jaejoong, we really need to talk about this. Eun Jae is at the hospital. We don’t know what the results are in the end and I suggest we get this over with so we can have the focus on her.” Tiffany said. It was a selfless sentence. And Jaejoong was a bit happy seeing that Tiffany was not all that hateful towards Eun Jae. She somehow felt, sympathetic.

“I went to the US to visit my family. I’m not gonna lie like I used to, but… They hate me. They hate me so much they didn’t need to say it but I know they disowned me. I can see it in their eyes and the day that I was headed home my dad came and in a nutshell told me I can go back to Seoul.” Tiffany explained and Jaejoong felt a stinging pain in his heart. He felt so sorry for Tiffany. “Weren’t the exact words but you get it.” Tiffany added. She cleared and there was more silence.

The two of them began to think again. They were back to square one. The conversation was going nowhere and Tiffany was not having it. And then there it was. Suddenly, something that should have happened days ago. Tiffany found herself crying.

Breaking down.

She should’ve broken down days ago, but she held it in. But now, it felt like too much. Now she was there in that cramped small space next to Jaejoong who was, even with the sympathy he felt for Tiffany, still seemed like he didn’t care for her at all, and that was the tip of the iceberg. She had too much. It was all too much.

“Listen to me.” Tiffany said as she wiped her tears away.

“I don’t want to sound crass, I don’t want to be rude. I don’t want to let you think I’m a woman who has no respect for herself or others. But I need to speak to you like this.” Tiffany started and Jaejoong was not sure what to expect. If only he knew.

“Decide. Me or her.”

Jaejoong was surprised at the question but not completely. He saw this coming, it was like he just wanted to wait for her to say something. But he wasn’t ready for it, he wasn’t ready for this at all and he wasn’t ready to answer her but he instinctively knew that if he told Tiffany what he had thought, she would probably feed him the soap and tissue right behind him.

“Tiffany…” Jaejoong tried to coerce but she shook her head. She stood up and they were inches away from each other. It was the perfect moment to kiss but neither of them really wanted that. “Decide. I can’t keep walking on this path knowing that in the end the stakes are higher of me losing you, spiraling down and completely losing myself. I no longer have a family to look back on Jaejoong. I may have friends but that's different. Friends can’t fill the void that my family has left and neither can they towards whatever becomes of this relationship between me and you.” Tiffany was riling up.

“I’m being selfish right now, I know. I know that you would want to concentrate on Eun Jae, how you need to be there for her even if honestly you don’t. Because from what I remember, you and I were supposed to be married by now. I know, here it is again. I’m bringing it up again. But I can’t help it if I never pictured it this way.” Tiffany said and her tears were not stopping and no longer did she had the time to even wipe them.

She was angry. She was hurt.

“Now, I can’t be that woman you cling to when Eun Jae shuns you. I am sad that she turned out that way even if I hate her guts. She’s a mother to a wonderful little girl and I would never want her to be taken away from such a little girl. But Jaejoong, I’m going to end up in the hospital too if I continue to remain in this relationship.”

It was all boiling down and Tiffany was just read to let him have it.

“Me or her. Decide.”