Hello raylay4evr! Thanks for requesting from me (peanutswithcream). Firstly I'd like to apologise: I have no idea how to use this layout thing, so no cool pics from me. However, I am a dedicated reader and I have eagle eyes! So I hope my assessment of your story is good enough to replace the lack of images!

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Introduction (6/10)

Chapter 1 was a hit or miss for me. I don’t really feel the danger that Jin and Jungkook are in, because the writing, while descriptive, is rather emotionless and written in an awkward fashion. The paragraphing could be better, especially where there are large chunks of description, or during dialogue. As mentioned earlier, the descriptive is written well, but there are awkward phrases (eg caused the older man’s lips to slide even higher). Also it would be good if you could physically separate your POV using lines, so that it’s clear that we are going into a different scene.

Basic summary (10/10)

The summary is very good, and tells me immediately what this story is about, yet intrigues me to want to find out more.

Title originality (10/10)

Pretty good title! Looks like a Fall Out Boy song lyric, which I do like. Also manages to capture the story’s essence well.

Neatness of story/presentation (5/10)

Like I mentioned in the introduction, there is a lot of paragraphing issues. For example, chunks of dialogue without any breakage causes the eyes to get really tired. It’s important to separate your dialogue sentences from your actual sentences, because if you mush them together, it’ll be harder to read. There are also some punctuation mistakes, which threw me off a bit.

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