The Seal of Light
written by -Tigress-
reviewed by SouthWest

This review covers Chapter 1: Prologue through Chapter 20: Understanding of a Sort

Title: 10/10
The title definitely fits.  And it’s mysterious and fits the fantasy theme.  Especially because seal can mean different things.  It’s not all that interesting at first glance.  But it’s more interesting now that I know what the story is about and I know that the title refers to the fact that, in this story… Okay so as I started writing this I was thinking about the seal on the Light that they have to break it to free the Light: "When the darkness stretches round the world, the Seals shall break the seal and free the Light from its prison.” But then I remembered that the four are referred to as Seals as well.  Then there’s this: “The Seals will weaken and the Light shall falter, and when this comes to pass, the four must be found.” Which makes me think that there were originally Seals protecting (?) the Light…  Okay.  I am thoroughly confused by this terminology now.  So the capital S Seals are good things that help the light.  The lower case s seal is a bad thing for the Light.  There were originally capital S Seals protecting the Light, but now they’re weakening and a lower case s seal is imprisoning the Light, so new capital S Seals need to be found to break the lower case s seal to free the capital L Light.  Right?

So, now that I’ve walked myself in that gigantic circle; back to the title.  Which seal does the seal in the title refer to?  Titles are always capitalized so the capitalization doesn’t tell us anything.  Is it the seal on the light that needs to be broken?  Or is it referring to a one of the four Seals that are trying to save the Light?  I think I’m overthinking this…  I have no idea what score to give you anymore.

Plot: 33/35

                5/5: Originality
                Yes.

                10/10: Believability
                I love this world you’ve created.  You do an amazing job describing it and making the reader feel that they’re there.  So far, everything that you’ve explained makes sense and is believable.  I have no problems with believability in and of itself.  I think any problems I have are closer related to other sections so I talk about it there.

                8/10: Narration
                As a whole, I love your narration and your writing style.  I’ve read some of your other stories in the past (not as many as I would like), but I can’t remember if you use this point of view often.  In this story, you use third person point of view, but always close on one character at a time, which is pretty much first person but without the ‘I’.  You do a good job sticking to just that character, but ALL your characters are a bit too intuitive when it comes to other characters thoughts and reasoning behind their actions.  You need a little bit of this for the reader to follow the story when only in one characters head at a time, but it’s too much information to believe that the character himself is aware of all of it.  You reason it out really well, so each instance is believable, but, as a whole, it happens too often to really be believable.  Also, if the characters are that intuitive, there’s no questioning, no wondering, no tension, no conflict.  And that doesn’t make for an interesting story or tell us much about the characters as individuals.

                10/10: Setting
                The only problem I had with setting is how you start some of the scenes.  I love how you start the prologue, with a view of the room, then close in on the bookcase and then on the man at the table.  That was great.  Gives us the big picture and zooms in.  When you introduce some new location scenes later on, you do the opposite.  You start zoned in on the character and what they’re doing and then zoom out and tell us where they actually are.  I was surprised to find that really bothered me.  The main reason was because this is a new world and there’s so many different things going on, there’s a lot to keep track of.  So at the start of each scene, I need to be reminded, who, where, and when.  But all in relation to the last scene and in relation to where the characters were when we last saw them.  You normally do really well with this, I just had a problem with how quickly you get around to it.

An example that really bothered me was Chapter 15.  The last time we see Mingyu and Wonwoo was the end of Chapter 13 when they top a rise and are confronted with an army.  Then Chapter 15 starts with Wonwoo sneaking down a hallway and I have no idea where the hallway is.  It’s not until the end of the second paragraph that you label his location as the Keep of the Marcher Lord.  I needed to know that right away.  I actually skimmed both paragraphs to figure out where this hallway was and then went back to read it properly.  Consider naming the location right away.  You could start with, “The hallway of the Keep of the Marcher Lord was dimly lit…”  That way the reader knows instantly that it’s a new place and can concentrate on the description instead of wondering where the hallway is in the grand scheme of this new world.  It’s quite possible that this is just a pet peeve for me, so I’m not taking off any points, but I wanted to mention it for your consideration.

Characterization: 26/35

                7/10: Development
                I’m actually disappointed with the lack of characterization in this story.  You have great back stories for the characters when you introduce them, but then they’re traveling for the next five chapters and nothing is really happening.  There’s no tension, no conflict, nothing that tells us anything about the characters personalities or how they differ.  The only real conflict is between Hyesung and Seungcheol when they argue over the speed in which they’re traveling.  That conflict told me more about those characters than anything else has.  Hyesung’s main objective is unclear, but he’s so focused on it that he’s been ignoring practicalities; or at least he views his goal as more important than the practicalities.  Seungcheol on the other hand is more practical.  And views himself as responsible.  He views Hyesung’s quest as important, but it’s just as important that he gets everyone there safely and in good health.  We find out little bits about Wonwoo and Mingyu too (Wonwoo isn’t very helpful with the horses, but he still actively looks to carry his own weight somehow.  Mingyu comes off as the quiet type and he doesn’t hold grudges), but none of that is important unless one of two things: 1) it’s going to cause, fuel, or settle a conflict, or 2) it endears the character to the reader.  And most of what happens during the journey is neither of those two things.  Then, at the end of chapter nine, they hear the screaming demons and I’m like, Yes!  Finally!  This is the conflict I’ve been waiting for!

Once they split up, the pace of the story really starts to pick up and things are happening.  The characters find themselves in situations where they have to make tough choices, and that’s when the personalities finally start coming through.  That’s when the reader becomes emotionally involved in what happens to the characters.  But it’s really late in this story for that to be happening.  If you end up with 30 plus chapters, the reader is nearly halfway through the story before things start to get interesting.

So basically, there’s been little characterization and thus little development of characterization SO FAR.  But there’s also been very little relationship development.  Maybe this is something you have plans for in future chapters, but I thought Mingyu, Wonwoo, and Seungcheol would have bonded more on their journey.  I see their relationship now as merely travel companions.  If they care about finding each other it’s only because they feel it’s what needs to be done, not because they care what happens.  And if the characters aren’t emotionally involved in what’s happening to each other the readers aren’t emotionally involved either.

                5/5: Presentation
                I thought you presented the characters well we when first met them.  With their physical descriptions and their back stories.  I really liked that we saw Wonwoo and Seungcheol before they were officially introduced.

                5/10: Diversity
                So… there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of diversity.  I think this stems from my problem with their characterization.  Obviously, their back stories are very different, physically, they’re very different, but the way they’re represented on the page is very much the same.  One aspect that really stood out to me was the way they talk.  Hyesung, Seungcheol, Wonwoo, and Mingyu all have different backgrounds, yet they all talk the same.  Hyesung’s speech should be more refined; not only is he older, but he’s educated as well.  Seungcheol’s speech should be more educated (especially given the new information on his background), though maybe not as elegant as Hyesung’s.  Yet, they speak the same as Mingyu, an uneducated mercenary, and Wonwoo, a street thief.  I expected Wonwoo to speak with more of an accent, like the waitress in the bar in Mingyu’s first scene.  And you mention often that Mingyu is a foreigner, is there nothing in his speech to indicate that?

Another thing that stood out was the lack of tension between the four of them as they’re traveling.  There’s tension between Seungcheol and Hyesung when they argue about how quickly they can be pushed to travel.  But Seungcheol, Wonwoo, and Mingyu, while not close, they all get along.  Which is strange.  Seungcheol and Mingyu are both fighters, yes, but they fight for different things.  Mingyu for money, Seungcheol for… honor? Duty?  Why doesn’t he look down on Mingyu more?  Does he not hold the mercenary in contempt at all?  Or the thief?  Then there’s when Hyesung recruits Mingyu and Wonwoo; he offers them both money.  Yes, money is of interest to both of them and I figure Mingyu has enough honor as a mercenary to stick by his agreement, but what about Wonwoo?  I don’t imagine a thief having loyalty.  And his relationship with the others doesn’t come off as close enough for him to really stick around.  Why hasn’t he just ditched them all and saved himself by now.

Obviously, the fact that he hasn’t says something about his character.  But I’m confused why you haven’t explained more of their personalities.  You explain so much of the characters actions using general reasonable logic, but reason doesn’t always play into it.  You need to take more into account the character’s personality and background.  Mingyu and Seungcheol are both fighters, but with their backgrounds and the way they were trained, they should approach a fight differently.  Just as Hyesung and Dongwan, both mages who have spent a lot of time studying them, see something different when they look at the Prophecies.

I think the main reason I have a problem differentiating them is because, no matter which character’s point of view we’re looking through, your voice as the writer comes through stronger than the character’s voice (which also effects characterization).  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just makes it more difficult to differentiate the characters.  But it also means that you’re losing out on the opportunity to really show us who each of these characters are.  You’re losing out on the opportunity to show us how each character views the world differently and thinks in their own unique way.

                9/10: Purpose
                Honestly, Mingyu and Wonwoo haven’t been all that important so far…  Which I’m really surprised about because you started from their point of view.  And then introduced us to Seungcheol and Jeonghan.  And yet, I would say that Seungcheol and Jeonghan are more important.  It seems that Mingyu and Wonwoo will be important in the future, but they haven’t been important enough so far for their points of view to be important.

Other than that, all the characters so far have seemed to serve a purpose, or will serve a purpose.

Writing Style: 18/20

                9/10: Spelling/Grammar
                I did find a number of typos and spelling errors..

I also noticed that you have a habit of using incomplete phrases.  Maybe because the words flow better, but the meaning doesn’t flow as well, so I end up rereading to make sure I understand.

                4/5: Consistency
                5/5: Flow
                You mentioned earlier that you were afraid that you were rushing the story.  I would argue that you were going too slow in the beginning.  Everything between them leaving the Tower and running into the demons seems like filler.  There’s no real conflict, only speculation.  We’re getting little bits of conversation, and little bits of info that might or might not be important in the future, but there’s no real build to the characters.  There’s no real build to the relationships.  They all seem comfortable with each other now, but in a way that could be summed up in a single line in the story, instead of taking several chapters.

Also, you have a habit of writing in long complex/ compound sentences.  Don’t be afraid to break it up with shorter sentences.

TOTAL: 87/100

I love this story!  You've set up such an amazing world and the magic “river” concept is so cool.  I love the Prophecies and how it’s like a puzzle trying to put all the pieces together.  We’ve found out some interesting things about Hyesung and Seungcheol.  I’m looking forward to seeing if future chapters bring interesting bits of new info about Mingyu and Wonwoo, as well (Jeonghan was already interesting, being an immortal).  I’m also interested in finding out if the Seals really are people.  There’s been so much questioning about the interpretations of the Prophecies that I’m like, “Well, what if they have it all wrong?!”  Lol.  I definitely feel like there’s a lot that still has to happen in this story.  The Prophecy foretells a bunch of stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.  I so excited to see what happens next!  I’ll definitely be following this story!

I hope this review helps.  Let me know if there’s anything else I can help you with to get it done in time.  Good luck in the contest!!
 

SouthWest