Fruity Love
written by TixaFofi
reviewed by layximi

Title: 4/10
Your title seems very unfitting for your story. I think it’s not going to pick up the right demographic for your story. Your story is heavily angsty and your title is on the total opposite spectrum. I strongly suggest you change your title completely.

Plot: 17/25

                9/10: Setting
                It is a pretty typical setting which is accurately described and believable. If I had a suggestion, it would be to add more descriptions and details about the setting so that your readers are more easily engrossed in your story.

                4/5: Originality
                I wouldn’t say your story is entirely original, but it does have aspects which are unique enough that it doesn’t come off as plagiarized. Most of my issues with originality have to do with your characters themselves so I will elaborate more under the characterization section.

                4/10: Believability
                For me, there were a few instances where the plot seemed a little too over-the-top, which hindered the believability factor for me (the dream sequence was really pushing it for me). Also, I get that people always say ‘it’s a small world’, but the world isn’t that small, which is why it bothers how interconnected your characters are. I mean, what are the chances that some guy you randomly run into on the street is your boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend, the potential love of your life, and on top of that, his dad just so happens to be your therapist. It’s just seems a little too convenient for me.

Characterization: 25/35

                3/5: Presentation
                Your characters are rather flat and cookie-cutter. For all of your characters, they each have one defining trait and rarely do they really stray from this trait. For example, Kyungsoo is the asshat boyfriend, Baekhyun is the helpless weak-willed protagonist, and Chanyeol is the righteous knight in shining armor. If you want to develop your characters and make them seem more dimensional, you need to show their quirks. Rarely are people so single minded. Like, when I describe myself, it’s hard to summarize my personality because, yes, I can come off as cold to most, but when I’m around people I trust, I’m soft like butter. I’m sure there are dual traits that apply to you too. My point is, Kyungsoo can’t always be an and Baekhyun can’t always be so easily impressionable. People are multifaceted and our personalities are constantly changing, so to simplify your characters so greatly, is doing them a great injustice. Another thing I want you to be mindful of, is that I think you’re trying a little too hard to make Kyungsoo’s character seem hateful. It didn’t help that you kind of just breezed through his past history. Delving into his past history was a great opportunity to really develop and justify Kyungsoo’s state of mind, but I felt it was opportunity which was lost completely.

                5/10: Development
                I’m not entirely sure why, but I didn’t find the fast progression of Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s relationship very believable. A particular sentence that struck me as being odd was, “Kyungsoo keeps hurting you and I’m…I’m tired of watching how much you’re suffering because of him.” This sentence was uttered not long after Chanyeol and Baekhyun met, which makes it seem slightly illogical. There are many more instances like this where it feels like the emotion levels are way too high considering the timeline of events. I think you really need to elaborate more on what drew Chanyeol to Baekhyun and vice versa. As for the character themselves, I don’t really see much character progression from chapter 1 to chapter 10. Baekhyun is still in same place mentally that he was in the first chapter. Same goes for Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. You really need to keep in mind how Baekhyun’s going to learn from his relationship with Kyungsoo and how he can grow stronger from ending it. Think about where you want him to end up mentally, and plan out how he’s going to get there.

                17/20: Diversity/Purpose
                Your characters have great sense of purpose. I just wish that you elaborated more on the reasons behind their purpose. For example, why is Kyungsoo so insistent on keeping Baekhyun, and why does Chanyeol care so much about Baekhyun’s wellbeing?

Writing Style: 19/30

                7/10: Narration
                Your narration is rather straight forward. There is something I want you to keep in mind. You have a tendency to plainly dictate plot and background information instead of letting your characters naturally show their traits. For example, you spend the first half of Chapter 1 dictating your main character’s whole backstory and personality. You established things like his medical issues and his quiet demeanor, but I felt like it would have come off much more naturally if you had just showcased Baekhyun’s quiet nature through his conversation with Dr. Park, instead of just plainly stating that he’s quiet. The same goes for his medical history. Rather than just casually mentioning Baekhyun’s recent struggle with anorexia, it would have been much more impactful if you had kept that bit of information hidden and then described an anorexic episode later on in your story. There were several other instances where I felt that important plot points could have been implemented in much more nuanced manner. Be careful not to rely too heavily on third-person narrative, because it takes away a lot from your character development.

                6/10: Consistency/Flow
                I noticed from chapter to chapter there are changes in font size. It’s a little disorienting so I’d suggest you fix that. Your biggest issue in my eyes is the pacing. You have quite a quick pacing which only makes anything dramatic seem ten times more dramatic than it actually is. I actually feel that quite a few of your problems could be remedied if you were just more mindful of your pacing. As I mentioned earlier, part of the problem with your believability stems from how quick Chanyeol becomes attached to Baekhyun. If you had just allowed more time for their initial attraction to develop, it would make it easier for readers to get on board with them as a couple.

                6/10: Spelling/Grammar
                You have quite a few basic grammar issues. I heavily suggest you hire a beta reader to edit your work for you. Your misusage of commas in particular stands out to me. There were many times where you would place commas in really awkward places, or you would omit commas where they’re needed.

TOTAL: 65/100