Neverealm
written by Amalya
reviewed by SouthWest

Title: 10/10
I know I got on you about not naming the last version Neverealm, but I sort of think you could definitely call this version Genesis and Oblivion if you wanted.  It definitely fits it better than it fit the last version.  You’ve broadened the scope of this story.  It’s no longer just about Neverealm and finding their friend.  It’s more about setting the balance to rights.  And that’s what ultimately happens at the beginning of Chapter 5, “Genesis brushed against oblivion then, a tentative request, and oblivion shifted with an air of amused but satisfied acquiescence.  The darkness softened and Neverealm responded.”  *sigh* Such a beautiful line!  Neverealm works just fine, as well, if you prefer that as the title.

Plot: 22/25

                9/10: Setting
                I still had problems visualizing this story.  I like what you’ve added and you’ve clarified a lot of this world.  My main problem with this version is the lighting.  In the last version, their source of light was a part of Pearl and thus was like another character.  You made sure to track much of the light’s movement.  But you didn’t do that in this version.  I have no idea where the light is, only that it’s there, so I’m not sure how to visualize the scene.  And I’m only pointing this out because it’s such an important aspect of the story.  Without this light, they’re lost to the surrounding darkness.  The darkness is something else that I thought could have used a little more personification.  Highlighting the contrast between their light and the surrounding dark racks up the tension.

Setting comments per chapter: Chapter 1

• I want to start by saying that I love the extra descriptions you’ve adding to the cliff scene!  It’s so much easier to see now.
• You have a habit of throwing in little bits of setting here and there, instead of giving us a paragraph explanation at the start.  For example: describing the ground as slippery when they're pulling Taehyung, not as they're getting out – if that had been in the original description of the ground then it’s already be pre-established before it becomes important.  I can’t wrap my head around the explanation of why this is important.  But it makes a big difference in believability for the reader. 
• So now that they have clear light (Namjoon’s light), what is it that they see?  If everything was black before, what’s laminated now?  Is it just enough light to see his friends a few yards away?  Or does it illuminate miles of dark water in every direction?
• Is the ground they found more like the edge of a swimming pool than the gentle slope of a beach?  Or is it more like steps?  They have to climb onto the first step, which leaves them in knee high water, the next step is ankle high water, etc.  If the ground is the same color as the water, then sight isn’t going to do much to describe this sequence of them getting out of the water.  I want more touch.  I want to know what Yoongi feels when he reaches what Jimin found.  I’m assuming it’s a hard solid, but I don’t know if I don’t get Yoongi’s reaction to it. 
• I need new setting when they start moving away from the water's edge.  How much is the light illuminating?  Just a few yards in front of them?  Can they sense anything in the darkness beyond the light?

Chapter 2

• You say that the horizon changed, but what about the landscape?  What did they see to either side of them as they ran?  Just the same darkness?  Is that why they don’t know how long they ran for – because it all looks the same.  But eventually, the horizon they’re running towards changes.  That’s the only thing that changed? 
• How do they know that the mirror is "the most massive mirror they'd ever seen"?  How far is the light shining?  And wouldn’t they be able to see the reflection of the light as they’re running towards it before they saw their own reflections? 
• What’s Yoongi's light source when he travels right to check out the mirror and Namjoon takes his light left?

Chapter 3

• First line, you didn’t really explain the scenery before.  But explain it here too.  And maybe throw in a metaphor.  Does their dark surroundings mirror their mood?  Add to it?
• This is something you could add more of – the movement of the light.  In the first version, it was more of a living being (Pearl). And while it’s not so much in this one, maybe it should be.  Maybe it should be kind of considered an 8^th member.  At least in the writing of it.  Add where it is at all times.  Does it hover above Namjoon’s head?  Does it hover high above their group, casting light and their shadows in all directions.  As they’re running, is it out in front of them, leading the way?  Because this light is the only thing they can see by, it’s incredibly important in creating the visual for the reader. 
• You say that figures flicker at the edge of their "periphery." Their periphery?  Talk more about the light. Figures flickered at the edge periphery, just beyond their light.  Encroaching on the boundary of their light-bubble.

Chapter 5

• When Yoongi wakes up on the beach, what’s the light source?  You say there's no sun, which confused me a little...  Does he have to blink a few times, it’s been a while since he’s been exposed to real light.  I thought he would comment on it...

                5/5: Originality
                Always!  Love everything you’ve added to this world!  We see so much more about how Rift Runner’s operate and what they do.  It’s a fascinating world and one I want to know more of.

                8/10: Believability
                What would you define as the main conflict of this story?  Because I feel as if the conflict changes – there is no overhanging conflict throughout the whole thing.  In the prologue, the conflict that’s introduced is that Pearl as gone rouge (and it's not clear as to what specific actions of her's leads to the conclusion that she's gone rogue).  In the first chapter, we find out that the boys have found out that she’s gone rogue because of Nephilira’s Curse, though we don’t see the actual conversation until one of the later chapters.  So now the conflict is a mix of locating Pearl and dealing with the Curse.  The boys have to go someplace that doesn’t exist to find her.  But once they’re there, the conflict shifts to them just staying alive, finding Pearl kind of takes a back seat.  Which isn’t necessarily bad, but that was initially their motivation to keep going, without it the story almost starts to apart.  Also, because you’ve broadened the scope of the story, the conflict is broader as well.  It’s no longer just the guys searching for Pearl.  Their commander has ordered them to find her more so for the sake of the realms, right?

I’m honestly confused about their relationship with Pearl in this… they don’t seem as close in this version.  I don’t know if they’re looking for her because they care for her or because they’ve been ordered to.  Yoongi’s relationship with Pearl (and the guys’ loyalty to Yoongi – and Pearl?) was the main motivation in the last version.  But without it in this version, I don’t know what the motivation is.  In the last version, all the guys sacrificed themselves to move Yoongi a step forward towards finding Pearl.  In this version, all the guys are dying because…  I don’t really have a solid answer.  And that’s where you lost me as a reader.  Hoseok dies and then Tae and Jimin (the only two actual sacrifices) die and I’m like, what was that for?  Why did that have to happen?  I’m normally okay with character death.  The harder it pulls at my heartstrings, the better.  As long as I can understand why it had to happen for the sake of the story.  But I don’t have that in this version.

Also, did you realize that only two deaths are sacrifices in this version?  (Unless you count Yoongi…)  In the original version, they were all willing to die…  Because it was Yoongi that they knew needed to save Pearl, and they cared enough for her to risk themselves.  She hasn’t been mentioned much at all in this version…  They’re concentrating more on surviving, not on their goal.  You’ve done a good job in adding more explanation to the story.  Their powers make so much more sense now.  There’s more emotions in reaction to what’s happening.  But they’re immediately caught up in the dangers of being there.  They’ve seemed to forget that they’re here for Pearl.  Yoongi doesn’t seem as attached to her in this version.  His motivation for seeking her out, even to this place, seems to be related more to his orders than his feelings for Pearl.  There’s no more dreams, no more Pearl manipulation.  And Pearl is no longer the light, so her presence is no longer continuously felt throughout the story.

I’m also confused about the curse.  From the original version, I was under the impression that it’s this mystical thing that’s supposed to just be a myth.  Which is why no one saw it coming.  But in this one, Pearl was expected to know what was happening to her and report it.  The guys were expected to be able to tell something was wrong with her and report it.  Then they’re expected to travel to a place that doesn’t exist to find her and defeat the curse.  Like it’s more of a routine thing, that they at least of record of happening before.  Part of what made the original version so powerful was that these guys were willing to go into the unknown to find her because they cared about her (or at least Yoongi cared about her and the guys cared about him).  The story was driven by their emotions, and the risk was only to themselves.  In this broader version, the risk is more wide-scale.  This curse could do a lot of damage and they need to stop it before that happens.  The emotions revolve around the friendship between the guys and I’m still not sure how Pearl fits into that team.  Yet they’re willing to risk so much to find her?  I’m just missing something here and it’s confusing me.

Believability comments per chapter: Chapter 1

• Did the water not affect Yoongi's lighter at all?  Is that why it barely sparked? 
• Where are they heading as they leave the water’s edge?  I thought they were just moving away from the water to regroup.  But with this much detail as to how they’ve arranged themselves it makes it sound like they’ll be walking for a while with a destination in mind. 

.Chapter 2

• You lost me when Hoseok goes “into” the mirror?  I’m really not sure what happened there…  At first, it’s his reflection moving, right?  Whereas his body is standing still outside the mirror.  But then how does his body move “into” the mirror?  It’s a really cool idea so I want to figure it out…  but I’m confused…
• So…  if it was a wooden wall…  why couldn’t Jungkook break it down like he tried with the mirror?    If it’s wood, why didn't Yoongi just burn it down? 
• After they lose Jimin and Taehyung to the wooden wall, and Namjoon gets pissed and does his light thing make the water/wave/the monster that's in it back off, is he still able to conjure the light for them?
• I’m confused about the differences between Yoongi and Namjoon’s powers.  Like, Yoongi is fire and Namjoon is light, but…   I think I needed a better explanation in-story that Namjoon needed Yoongi's fire to break up the constant darkness and give him some light to work with.  I mean, I get it now, but why can't we know that in the beginning when they first use the powers? 
• So right after the wooden wall there's a moment of quiet when everything they've been through kind of catches up with them.  What is it about the wooden wall that has given them this brief moment of safety?  Whereas the glass wall (which seemed stronger) shattered quickly.  Or does it have more to do with Namjoon's display of light/power?

Characterization: 31/35

                3/5: Presentation
                Definitely need more of this…  Especially because you’ve widened the scope of the story, I really think it’s important to take the time to really introduce the guys at the beginning, when we first meet them.   No need to rush into them jumping off the cliff.  Expand on what they’ve done already to find her.  Expand on their relationship with her.  Expand on how important it is for them to continue looking for her even though it’s so dangerous.  Expand on their visual appearance.  Much later in the story you mention what they’re wearing, but that visual should be right up front.  You start the story with a very wide frame (Minji at the command center) before you introduce us to the main characters.  So you really need to take the time to pull us in when the frame shifts to Yoongi and the boys.  Who are they, how strong is their relationship with Pearl, are they strong enough to take on this curse?  Show us why they’re the main characters.  Give us reason to root for them.

Another reason to add more character description up front, it makes it so much clearer for the reader when you label speakers as “the shortest,” “the leader,” “the mint haired,” etc.  Using these markers/identifiers is fine, as long as you’ve previously described the character as such.  Not everyone is familiar enough with BTS to automatically know who you’re talking about.

Then there’s Pearl.  At the end when they finally find Pearl.  I'm really kind of confused.  I guess you did mention in the beginning that she didn't really look human.  Her eyes and claws.  But when we finally see her at the end, I'm not sure what's originally her and what's because of the Curse.  I actually thought there was a monster with her at first, but there's only her, right?  That confusion could totally just come from the fact that I've read the original.  But in that scene where they're talking with Pearl, I'm confused because there's a 'he' instead of a 'she' at one point, which threw me off.  And then you refer to her as Nephilira's Curse before I'm even aware she's been totally overtaken by it.  Remember that, besides the picture you describe of her on Minji's screen in the beginning, we've never seen Pearl before.  We don't know what she normally looks like, what she normally acts like.  We're reliant on Yoongi's perception of her to tell us what's different about her.  But we don't get any of that information from him.  Is she still the Pearl he knows?  Or is that Pearl gone.  Were they too late?

                8/10: Development
                So, I have the same problems with development that I had before.  I still don’t know what Yoongi’s reasoning for continuing on is.  Besides the fact that there really is no way to get back?  And I’m confused about his motivation for going in too.

                20/20: Diversity/Purpose
                I love how you’ve specified and clearly defined their powers/abilities.  Some of them could have been defined earlier, though, instead of waiting until they have to use the power to explain it.

Writing Style: 26/30

                9/10: Narration
                I still have a problem with flow of information.  You’ve added so much more explanation to this story.  I have so many more answers now, but I’m not sure you’ve presented this information at the optimal moments.

                8/10: Consistency/Flow
                I figured it out what feels so different about this version.  There’s no build.  In the oneshot, it continuously built.  One obstacle after another keeping them from Pearl.  Which meant the tension in the story flowed really well – it was just that we weren’t getting enough information.  But in this version, you’ve added all that information and changed things, and broadened the scope of the story so much, that in the changes, you’ve lost a lot of the overwhelming tension that propels the story forward.  Which isn’t necessarily bad.  The story just isn’t uniform yet.  The beginning of the first chapter isn’t driven by the same tension as it was in the original version because we now have background information from the prologue.  The deaths aren’t nearly as meaningful because their relationship with Pearl isn’t as strong.  I just didn’t feel a driving force that propelled these characters forward throughout the story.  And I’m afraid I can’t differentiate if I’m getting this solely from this version or if I’m only getting it in comparison to the last version.

                9/10: Spelling/Grammar
                A couple problems here…

Chapter 5: “She flinched and dropped her gaze again, acccepting the rebuke.”

In the first chapter, you capitalized “Nemon,” but in the last chapter you don’t.

TOTAL: 89/100

Other comments that don’t specifically fit elsewhere:

Chapter 1: So now that you’ve added this prologue, it’s a really big jump to go from that to the scene in the beginning of Chapter 1.  It needs a little more transition, a little more explanation.  It’s not clear how much time as passed from the end of the forewords to this beginning.  In the first version, searching for her had been back ground info, so it’s okay to throw it in as an afterthought but immediately concentrate on where the guys currently are.  But because we now see the guys elsewhere in the forewords, all the searching they’ve done needs a little bit more attention.  Maybe just its own sentence or an extra line.

Chapter 3: Seokjin asks if it's the Curse that they can see in the shadows and hear whispering.  But wouldn't he be the one who'd know this?  In the first version he kind of had an intuition about where they needed to go and about the curse.  Just like how he knew they were in Neverealm in the beginning.  But he doesn't seem to have that in this version?  Or was it just that Pearl the Light was guiding them before?

Chapter 4: The "flashback" to their conversation with Sandara.  What was your reasoning for putting that here instead of at the beginning, in more chronological order, or instead of referring to it as they're standing on the cliff?

From this “flashback,” I get the impression that they’re not that close to Pearl.  They don’t seem ultra-worried about her, ready to race off and do anything to help her.  “Get the Angels and Demons to take care of it.”  They don’t flinch at the thought of losing her, they flinch at the reminder of how they became Runners (which could be a story in and of itself).  But there’s no driving need to go to the end of everything to rescue her.  Did Commander Park really expect them to go that far?  In the original version, I thought going that extra step was because they wanted to get Pearl back and would do anything to find her, but in this version, it sounds more like they’re just following orders…

And then you say that they had found Pearl… kind of.  In the beginning, you make it sound like they hadn’t found any trace of her anywhere and Neverealm was the last place left to look.  But here you make it sound like they followed her trail through the realms and it led them to the edge and ultimately into Neverealm.  Which is it?

Chapter 6: So, this doesn’t feel like an epilogue to me.  Epilogues are supposed to wrap up a story.  And while you wrap it up in the sense that their relationship with Pearl is returning to normal, you also expand the story.  So much so that It feels like the start of a totally different story, or should be the start of this story.  The new information in this chapter feels like you threw it in to clear up stuff for the readers.  When ideally, you would have found a way to add these explanations into the actual story, not just attach it to the end.

Actually seeing what the Rift Boys do, what they’re job consists of and how they interact with Pearl; that’s all something I could have used at the beginning of the story.  Start with showing us what their life is normally like.  Maybe show us signs that might hint that something is wrong with Pearl.  Then Pearl going rouge means something to the reader, because we understand what it means to the guys.  Though their relationship with Pearl is still something I’m really confused about….

One thing you never do talk about is how their initial meeting with Pearl went.  We know that she was the one to “meet” them when they came through the Rift and she was kind of their teacher and then their teammate.  But were they initially grateful for her help or did they resent her, misguided blame for what happened to them?

Overall: I LOVE what you’ve added to this story.  I love their background story.  I love this world you’ve created and expanded on in this version.  But I definitely feel like there’s more work to be done.  I’m really not sure how much of this review helps.  It was actually rather difficult for me to write to into these categories because I can’t read this story without comparing it to the original version.

I’d love to have a conversation with you about the changes that you made and your thought process behind the changes.  Some of the changes have left voids in the story and I think that’s where most of my comments here stem from.  But other than that, let’s definitely talk if you have questions or concerns about anything I’ve said here.  I’m always happy to talk with you more! 

SouthWest