After Rain
written by AwkwardSonyeo
reviewed by -Tigress-

Title: 5/10
I have to admit that I don't really see the significance of the title. I know tht your story has only just begun, but so far it feels totally disconnected from the title whatsoever. It is a beautiful title, I will give you that. But make sure that you have a tie-in for it as it continues forward!

Plot: 23/35

                1/5: Originality
                The basic plot that I can grasp is that it will be an arranged marriage where they initially do not like one another and yet eventually fall in love. From the way that you're refraining from mentioning Yunho's name at the moment tells me that you're going to use the angle, of JaeJoong knowing rumors of him that make him hate him at first, until he realizes he's different and falls in love with him.

If this assumption of mine is correct, I would suggest changing it up. That is done quite often and there is nothing new about it. Change it up by adding twists in, like that JaeJoong has never heard of Yunhi, or that the reason that Jae doesn't want to marry him is because of his boyfriend, not because of disliking YunHo for any other reason.

Even if this is assumption is wrong, make sure that you add lots of twists and try to change things up from the cliche. Arranged marriage is a very popular plot line that if you plan to do it, it needs to have something fresh and different to let it stand out from all the others.

                5/10: Believability
                This is a really hard category to rate for your story. Since your story has only just begun, I am not sure what will be proven realistic in the world you're building that seems unrealistic at the moment. So for now, I will just point out the things I see.

1) The way that Jaejoong acts is quite unbelievable in itself. At first I assumed that he was a young child from the way he is described in the first scene - tripping along at his mother's heels and sobbing on the floor. He does not read as an adult at all.

2) I read a lot of fantasy stories. Like, a LOT. And you said that they are elf kingdoms and yet they do not read as elves. An elf is supposed to be a long-lived humanoid, and yet the way that these characters are set up makes them feel like humans set in a mythological kingdom. I would very much suggest changing that because as it is, the only reason that I can see that you need them to be elves would be because of the light and dark things. You can easily play that by making them humans with the powers of light and darkness, and keep their characterization instead of changing them to suit being elves.

3) the whole Yoochun as Jaejoong's brother. Why did you choose him when you have JunSu who is already a Kim? That really confused me.

4) Yoochun and Junsu's relationship feels very unbelievable and contrived, it is cliche and everyone knows where it will end up at. I am not even sure why you have it in the story since thus is supposed to be a YunJae story, especially since you've spent more time with them instead of YunJae.

                7/10: Narration
                 I do have to say that I found your narration nice yet often confusing. The way that you write the interactions between the characters is easy to follow and smooth, yet then you will have a character mention something (like Jaejoong's hair color) and suddenly the next paragraph is just an explanation of why they thought about the hair color.  If you were to blend the explanation into the story more, it would not be so jolting. For instance, with the hair color. You could mention in the first place that Mrs. Kim has pale hair (she pushes her long, white hair over her shoulder. It was the color that every light elf had, a sign of their purity. She frowned as that thought crossed her mond, concern coming over her as she considered the fact that Jaejoong's hair was getting darker with each day.). Do you see how combining the explanation into the story like that makes it feel smoother?

That being said, you have a nice way of narrating in that it felt smooth and natural until those jolting moments of explanation.

                10/10: Setting
                I didn't really notice anything wrong with your setting. You describe the surroundings well, so that the reader knows when and where the story is taking place. Keep up the good work!

Characterization: 24/35

                5/10: Development
                 Development is very hard for me to rate since the story is just beginning, so I will give advice here.

The way that you're setting up Jaejoong's character feels very spoiled and silly, so be careful to not go to far in that direction. Make sure to write him as at the age that you're setting him up as, and not too childish or immature or it will make your readers dislike him. Be sure that you give him flaws, as well as redeeming qualities as well, things that make him feel like a real person.

The same goes for Yoochun and Junsu. Make sure to not make Junsu too silly and weak, while Yoochun is the strong confident one... that is a very unrealistic portrayal of a relationship. Just try to think of each of their reactions to any situatuon, "how would I react if this happened to me?" And then write them accordingly.

                2/5: Presentation
                 I've already told you about how they are presented, in the believability portion as well as in the above advice. Be careful to present them lIke the adults that they are and not silly anime characters who go "wah!" and fall to their knees when they hear something they dislike.

                10/10: Diversity
                 I really can't rate this properly since it is just beginning, but so far, there is a nice diversity between the characters.

                7/10: Purpose
                 Well... Yoochun and Junsu feel like they are only in the story because of DBSK. Be careful to give them a true purpose to the storyline so that they are not just additions because of the band.

Writing Style: 10/20

                4/10: Spelling/Grammar
                 While your narrative voice is nice, I can tell that you're not a native English speaker. You have a lot of mistakes in your writing (incorrect punctuation, misused words, bad spelling, and run on sentences were the majority of the mistakes I saw). I would like to suggest using a beta reader who can not only fox your mistakes, but can point them out to you and tell you how to fix them. That way not only does your story get help, but you learn how to fix it yourself and grow as an author as you do!

We have a beta reader affliate, Meleodiseu - the link to her is on the front page of the Library here. She's very nice and I believe you could learn a lot from her. She (or any othe native English speaking beta) could also help you with the world building.

I felt like your world that you're trying to build really has a lot of unique ideas and a promising setup, but maybe you don't have the right grasp for words to be able to describe it correctly. So a beta reader could also help you with that.

                1/5: Consistency
                 Because of the mistakes in the granmar, the story is not very consistent.

                5/5: Flow

                Your flow is nice and smooth, thoufh, and that is definitely thanks to your narrative ability. You have a natural knack for writing, just need a little polish.

TOTAL: 62/100

First things first, I need to apologize for taking so long. The reviewer assigned this story quit without notice and so I received this just over a week ago. I hope that this review is helpful to you despite the super long wait.

Even though I said that your story fees cliche or that I gave it a low score, I truly think that you have a lot of potential with TV is story. It is just beginning and you have a lot of things you can do with it. Keep the pointers in mind and get someone to help you and I truly think your story will be something awesome.

Best of luck with everything!