Stay
written by kimkimsara
reviewed by JulieCavi

Title: 7/10
You sure used Stay a lot in the story.. It drives the point home that Taeyeon would be there for Tiffany no matter what but there is also a point where continuously repeating the word ‘Stay’ turns the reader off, like ‘ya, okay, I get it, they want to be together but they can’t big whoop.’ So the title is a simple one word for this one-shot,but be advised for future stories not to be predictable with the story and the word. Leave a bit of thinking to the readers.

Plot: 16/25

                4/5: Originality
                I’m sure that there are countless other works with true love beats all odds as the main plot. But you know, I’m a er when it’s between two girls… Either way, true love knows no bounds is a good plot when in a rut.

                8/10: Believability
                The fact that infidelity can happen to anyone, and that the whole ‘We are meant to be together!’ is an age old plot filler, I mean yeah sure, i can believe this, to a degree, but I personally don’t see that happening in day-to-day life. Not that I’m saying that it doesn’t happen, it’s not that common. But hey, this is a story so who cares amirite.

                4/10: Setting
                There wasn’t a clear distinction as to where the setting is at, like at first they’re at a bridge, then at someone’s work? Then at Taeyeon’s apartment, back to Tiffany’s husband’s house- do you see how complicated and messy that is? I mean, when they’re in Taeyeon’s car you clearly say ‘back in the car,’ but other than that try to define where the setting is then delve into the story. It’ll make things easier for you as the writer and for your audience.

Characterization: 29/35

                8/10: Development
                Tiffany and Taeyeon’s development of the story was a roller coaster. Going from ‘I love you, we can wait and be together,’ to ‘I’m sorry but it’s for your own good, I have to leave you,’ and then they finally find happiness together. A typical formula of romance stories, but that’s why romance is the best known genre. So for the girls’ development throughout the story to be anticipated has both pros and cons: personally (sorry for saying that a lot omg) I’m not a huge fan of typical romance stories so for me reading this I could kinda guess what was going to happen and the whole angst and fluff factor. Now I do know a lot of people who are all for traditional romance designs, so this story and these two character’s love would be for them.

                5/5: Presentation
                Your characters could almost be interpreted as a trope for Romeo & Juliet, the forbidden love and wanting to be with their one and only. Kinda cute, and the presentation wasn’t too far off from the whole ‘why must we be secretive, our love is boundless!’ idea.

                16/20: Diversity/Purpose
                Using most of the members from the band is good. Also having them play like a cupid of some sorts was entertaining I suppose. Although they were only there for character development for Tiffany and Taeyeon. I’m not sure what else those characters could do. All in all not too shabby.

Writing Style: 17/30

                4/10: Spelling/Grammar
                Spelling and grammar are one of the things I ‘grade’ the hardest on. I don’t mean to belittle you or make you feel dumb, I am simply pointing out your mistakes: there were lots of minor spelling misplacements for simple pronouns and I found myself correcting and fixing multiple sentences as I was reading. You have a bad habit of making things plural when they don’t need to be and leaving words singular when they shouldn’t be. There were many sentences without the correct verb or adjective leaving the sentence confusing and inarticulate. Speaking of sentences, you have a quirk of making odd sentence structures, making the story just that more upsetting. I saw only a few in the beginning but as the story progressed it got worse. Also, in the beginning you used an odd choice of words “She will hold on to this homeless relationship,” and honestly, it would have been hopeless or another synonym of the sort. When having characters speak, it’s easier to use contractions like I’m, won’t can’t, it’s easier for the audience to read and it makes the flow that much smoother. You also missed  lot of suffixes to words making the sentences choppy.

                5/10: Consistency/Flow
                “...hopelessly in love with Tiffany. But to finally hear it from Tiffany,...” I would advise you for future refernce to not repeat the subject within sentences close to each other. And when characters are speaking on the phone, it would be nice if you italicized the one on the other end to separate the dialog and to clarify what’s happening and who is speaking. The story’s flow did not feel right to me, as I’m reading I kept stopping and I was hit with awkward pauses and scenes and it’s not that fun to read. It’s a bit sloppy in the beginning of the story and it wasn’t that much better towards the end. The consistency was a bit sticky for me, you had scenes jumped and characters with awkward dialog and nothing seemed to be in place. Now about that time skip: it would be most helpful to know that time-considering it being a year- had past, so add in a note saying how ‘not much has changed in a year but who knows?’ before Taeyeon enters the house.

                8/10: Narration
                Narration is important within a story, it sets the pace for the plot and who the audience should be focusing. The majority of the time it was on Taeyeon but then it switched to Tiffany without warning but then it went back to Taeyeon. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but it’s one of those tiny details that could pile up and become problematic.

TOTAL: 69/100

The very first thing I look for when reviewing is the spelling and the grammar. As soon as I see those, that’s what determines how I’ll think of the story and whether or not in can be credible. The ‘shockwave’ or whatever that this website works with isn’t working too well with my laptop so everything is jerky and slow, but that did not derail my personal thoughts or comments. I can understand that you’re a passionate writer and that you take joy from addressing your fantasy. If you need any help with writing styles or grammar and other ways to improve your writing I have websites that I’d be more than happy to share with you. So far you’ve made numerous mistakes and that’s fine, all you have to do now is learn from these blunders and perfect your writing. If you have any questions or would like to talk to me feel free to contact me on here or if you go to my profile you can use the links for my other social media. Good luck and keep writing.