Heart of Candy
written by CrystAlplus
reviewed by -Tigress-

Title: 7/10
I have to admit, while I understand why the story is named as such (it's even explained in the story) I would not say that it fits real well. And the reason for that is because since the name is supposed to suit the lead character , it doesn't. Something more indicative of her cold attitude that slowly slowly warms up might suit more. However, it is original and it does play into the story.

Plot: 27/35

                1/5: Originality
                 I cannot even begin to say how many stories I've reviewed like this one. That's not to say that your story is bad, just not original. Taking out the death of the parents, the best friend in love with her, and the quirky girl best friend would change it up from the norm. However, it's well written for this genre and while it is cliche and guessable, it's not bad.

                7/10: Believability
                 One of the main issues I had with this was her relationship with her sponsor. It was so unrealistic and frustrating, I could tell that it was in there for drama alone. Instead of having that, you could easily have had an ex boyfriend that she was still connected with, and that would have been more believable.

My other issue with the believability was the way you portrayed every idol except for MBLAQ. If you're going to make them all jerks, then make them all that way. Or better yet, have a mix. Instead, the only idols mentioned except for MBLAQ were all portrayed as total jerks.

                10/10: Narration
                The narration was done really well! I am not usually a fan of first person stories but the way that you changed the way that you wrote when in each person's POV was really refreshing and really beautifully done. I mean, I can guess that you're a girl. And when you wrote in Deana's POV, it sounded like reading a girl's thoughts and feelings. But then when you wrote in Seungho's POV it was like reading a guy's perspective! And that, my dear, is not easy to pull off. You did it so seamlessly throughout the story, it was so impressive!

                9/10: Setting
                 You did alright with your setting. I cannot say that I really remember any moments where I truly felt like I was in the room (where really describing it would do that for me) but I didn't feel that your story suffered too much from that lack.

Characterization: 33/35

                10/10: Development
                 Oh My Gosh. In the first, like, ten chapters, I despised Deana. She comes across as so selfish and whiny and controlling that I just wanted to slap her! But that was the beauty of her character. You made her this horrid person that makes the reader want to shake her, and then you molded her. Shaped her into someone better and more open and vulnerable and not so uncaring and... you know the word. I can't use it in a reciew. But you know. Lol. She became a character that at the end of the story, I loved her. And if someone can do that, that's major props to you. Well done!!! Seungho too... I had a few qualms with the way you portrayed him but that is because I am totally biased (literally... he's my ultimate bias), and for the purposes of your story you did a good job with keeping him consistent as to how you'd written him.

The other characters though... there was very little growth in your side characters (Lisa especially). I know, the story's not about her. But fleshing out her character really would give depth to your story overall.

                3/5: Presentation
                The physical presentation was spot on. I could totally see them in every moments, and I didn't feel that you went overboard in the outfit explanations. They fit in well and that cued me in the knowing how to picture them at each given moment.

The presentation of the idols on your fic is something I do have an issue with. Yes, I understand, author's liberties, but as I mentioned before, having every single idol except for the band portrayed Axt as jerks was really offputting.

Also. YeSung isn't that tall. Just saying. =) 

                10/10: Diversity
                You had a lot of diverse characters.

                10/10: Purpose
                 I could see the purpose behind every one you used, even when they were filling cliche roles just be careful about that and try to give them more depth and make them less cliche.

Writing Style: 16/20

                7/10: Spelling/Grammar
                Your story did suffer from what looked like simple spelling mistakes to me. Occasional there would be a word used in place of the one that was meant, and they're spelled similarly but don't mean the same (i.e. freight used instead of fright). Be careful of that and check over your words if you're unsure how to spell them.

Also, about incorrectly used words... there were a lot of instancea of your and you're being mixed up. Your is used to denote possession... your eyes, your shop, your feelings. You're  is used to join two words together... you are. So you're going to the store, you're talking to your boyfriend.

Last but not least, a lot of your sentences were fragmented. I cannot get an exact quote from your story because I am mobile, but like this... 

      He turned around. Seeing her he went to the table. He sat down beside her. Ordering a drink, he smiled at her.

Instead, try...

      He turned around and saw her. Heading to her table, he sat down beside her and ordered a drink before smiling at her.

                5/5: Consistency
                Your writing is incredibly consistent. Well done.

                4/5: Flow
                 The story flowed really nicely, despite the fact that he fell in love with her awfully fast.

TOTAL: 83/100

You write beautifully deep characters! I hope that you can use my words and that they helped you in some way. Good luck with everything!

On a personal note, in your story, PLEASE change Seungho's birthday to the correct one, I have to admit that it drove me crazy. I did not knock you off on your score for it because mistakes happen but yeah.... please change it lol. 

Thank you for sharing such a lovely story with us and for being SO patient for me to come off of hiatus! I hope the wait was worth it for yoi. Fighting!