The Phantom Train
written by gaksitalGaksital
reviewed by SouthWest

Title: 10/10
I like the title.  It’s a little plain in the sense that it’s just the name of the train Jaejoong takes to see his brother.  But that name in itself is full of mystery.  The Phantom Train.  By definition, something that doesn’t actually exist.  That makes the title intriguing and draws in the reader.  If it doesn’t really exist, where does it go?

Plot: 32/35

                5/5: Originality
                Definitely original.

                7/10: Believability
                One issue with believability was the characters.  I needed more details at points.  You tell us a lot of stuff, especially about the characters, but you’re not getting into details and really showing us.  You’re working around instead of being direct.  How old were they when their parents died?  What is it they want from life?  What’s their goal?  Jongin is all this wrath, fine.  But why?  From what?  He barely remembers his parents.  So it’s not that.  He can’t just be angry, there has to be a reason.  Same with Jiyong later.  He can’t just be paranoid.  There has to be a reason, something that happened to make him suspicious, even if it’s something that’s not normally suspicious.  I talk a little more about this later in the Presentation section.

The major believability issue, for me, is the time between when Jongin tells Jaejoong to take the train and Jaejoong actually going to the station.  Jaejoong doesn’t ask any questions about the train.  He doesn’t ask Haesun what it is or where it goes or why he’s never heard of it before.  He doesn’t question whether or not it’s real.  If you want to put those questions off until later, that’s fine.  Jaejoong is so wrapped up in the idea of seeing Jongin again, that he doesn’t question.  But he’s thinking enough about it that he doesn’t want to go alone; he asks his friends to go with him.  That tells me that he’s put a lot of thought into this.  But he hasn’t asked any questions and doesn’t seem to think that his friends are going to question it either.  The whole scene in the restaurant, where he asks his friends to go with him, that all seemed very unbelievable to me.  He doesn’t anticipate that his friends won’t believe him?  What makes him think that his friends will be allowed to go with him?  He doesn’t know anything about the train.  It would be a lot more believable to me if Jaejoong told them he was going and Yoochun volunteered to go with him.  I do really like that Yoochun went with him,, though, that was a cool twist to the story.

One other note, Haesun was a very confusing character.  I’m going to assume that she is the like “guide” of the Phantom Train.  But you never actually say that…  In the beginning, I was under the impression that she was just another passenger.  But then she seems more guide-like when she introduces them to the Train and tells them about the whistles.  Then she introduces each stop.  But then she wants to gets off the stop at the Cave of Memories (I’m ultra curious about whose memories she sees, by the way).  Then later on, Yoochun thinks that she’s just another passenger on the train.  Is that what the rest of them think too?  I love her character, but I’m super confused about who she really is.

                10/10: Narration
                I love you’re writer’s voice and your descriptions are amazing.  The visuals in your story are so clear, I was always able to follow along and visualize the story very easily.  I especially loved the creepy parts.  One of my favorite descriptive moments was when Jongin died; I love how you wrote that.  Another moment I loved was when Jaejoong is at Haesun’s and the lights go out and then suddenly Jongin is there instead of Haesun.  That was an awesome moment.

I also liked how at some points, normally at the end of the chapter, you step back and write kind of from the Train’s point of view.  That ‘all seeing’ point of view adds to the creepiness of the story and ramps up the anticipation.

                10/10: Setting
                Your amazing descriptions help you here too.  I love the way you set up scenes and the locations and the train stops.  My favorite is the scene when they’ve first boarded the train and you see the inside for the first time.  I love how you wrote that.

Characterization: 29/35

                9/10: Development
                There’s so much development in this story.  It seems like everyone has something to learn.  Which I guess is the purpose of The Phantom Train, right?  All the passengers have something (or someone I guess) they need to face and overcome.  Jaejoong goes through a lot in this story.  Losing his brother, boarding the train, watching all the other passengers, including Yoochun, face their dead, then meeting Jongin again.  But the story isn’t done yet.  What did Jaejoong learn from all this?  How has this experience with the Phantom Train changed him?  He may not remember any of it, but it has to have affected him in some way.  I’m really looking forward to the epilogue to find out the answers to these questions!

Overall, great development.  But I think the story would benefit from being more concise.  When you introduce the three other passengers on the train, you introduce them and treat them as if they’re major characters in the story.  As if they have their own story arcs.  Which, in itself, isn’t a bad thing.  But given the short length of this story, the focus is on Jaejoong; it’s his story.  So all the other characters are only important in relation to Jaejoong.  I’ll talk more about this a little later in the Purpose section.

                3/5: Presentation
                This part is the main point I want to make.  The characters that you present in the first couple chapters don’t really match the characters you portray in the rest of the story.  You ‘tell’ us one thing about the character, but you ‘show’ us something different with the characters actions.  My first impressions of Jaejoong and of his relationship with Jongin didn’t match later on.  Which confused me and had me questioning the believability of the story from the start.  In the beginning, I got the impression that Jaejoong doesn’t really feel emotions.  He just drifts through life.  But then you talk about him dedicating his life to make money to put Jongin through school.  Which means, he’s not just drifting, he has a purpose, a goal.  And then later, you talk about Yoochun not showing his emotions vs Jaejoong wearing his on his sleeve.  By the end of the story, I believe that about Jaejoong, but that’s not the same Jaejoong you describe in the beginning.  Also in the beginning, I got the impression that Jaejoong and Jongin don’t have a good relationship.  But then when Jongin dies, all Jaejoong remembers is the good times rather than regretting the relationship they didn’t have.  I got really confused what their relationship was like and how it changed over the years since their parents died.  It was almost as if you wrote the first few chapters when you were still figuring out the characters and their background.  But in writing the story, you learned more about them and gained a more solid understanding.  So now, the beginning doesn’t quite match the rest of the story...

                10/10: Diversity
                I loved how diverse your characters were.  But I really loved how you compared and contrasted the personalities.  Jaejoong and Yoochun, friends, but opposites.  Jaejoong freely feeling the highs and lows of his emotions, and Yoochun hiding his emotions away.  Then there’s the sophisticated and polished Yoona vs Haesun who is much more down to earth though she talks with ghosts, so maybe down to earth isn’t quite right…  But then there’s Chanyeol who is open and happy and optimistic vs Jiyoung who’s always grumpy and antisocial and paranoid.  The diversity definitely adds tension to the story, which is good, but I’m not sure all the characters serve a purpose.

                7/10: Purpose
                What purpose do Yoona, Chanyeol, and Jiyoung serve to progress the story?  How about Yoochun?  Junsu, and Changmin don’t really have a purpose that Yoochun doesn’t serve as his friend, unless you want the contrast that Junsu didn’t come with him but Yoochun did.  As for the other’s on the train… What did Jaejoong learn from them?  This story is too short for the 3 of them to have their own stories and their own arcs, but to be in the story, that have to have some impact on Jaejoong.  The contrast between the characters definitely adds to the tension and conflict in the story, which is good.  Chanyeol going first and not coming back is a big moment.  Because that introduces a potential future conflict for Jaejoong and as the reader, that was a big moment.  If the eternally happy Chanyeol chooses to stay, what’s to stop the rest of them from making that same decision?  Yoona is the one that Jaejoong becomes the closest to and finding out her story makes him rethink his first impressions.  He follows her out and sees firsthand how difficult it is to leave the dead.  But then there’s Jiyoung…  his attitude adds to the tension of the conflicting personalities, but I don’t get his purpose…  his situation is a little unbelievable…  Where does his paranoia come from?  Why did he agree to board the train in the first place?  Wasn’t he afraid that it was all a plan to get to him?  Was it even Seunghyun that he was going to see?  Then why was he on the train with the other ghosts?  I really liked the part where the ghosts boarded the train and it was a really interesting conflict that Seunghyun haunts Jaejoong and then takes over his body to get his revenge on Jiyoung later, but I don’t know what purpose it had in progressing Jaejoong's story. 

Writing Style: 19/20

                9/10: Spelling/Grammar
                I did catch some spelling mistakes, but it's difficult for me to judge because you use British spelling and I use American English spelling.  So I don’t know what’s spelled wrong and what’s British English spelling.  You do call Jongin "Kai" in the beginning of the 3rd chapter.  Grammar seemed good.  Some of your word choices seemed off.  Maybe it was just me, but some of the big words you use…  while used correctly, still seem out of place because it’s not the word typically used in that situation.  Throws me off.

                5/5: Consistency
                5/5: Flow
                No problems here~  The telling of the story is very consistent and it flows very well.

TOTAL: 90/100

I really enjoyed this story and I’m looking forward to the epilogue!!  And I apologize for how long it took to get this review to you.  I’m not sure when you originally requested it, but I only received it earlier this month.  But I tried to get it to you as soon as I could. 

I hope you find the review helpful!  Please let me know if you have questions about what I’ve said here or if I didn’t explain something well enough.  I’d be happy to talk with you more.

SouthWest