Genesis and Oblivion
written by Amalya
reviewed by SouthWest

Title: 8/10
So, I get the connection between the title and the story.  It’s summed up in one line by Seokjin: “We are in the beginning and the end of all places.  Genesis and Oblivion.  It connects all realms and separates all realms at the same time.”  But then Namjoon sums it up in one name: Neverealm.  So, I’m a little confused why you decided to call the story ‘Genesis and Oblivion’ instead of Neverealm.  I thought maybe it was because of the whole ‘beginning and end’ connection, but then there’s no reference to that in the story.  The only reference to ‘Genesis and Oblivion’ is in that one line, whereas Neverealm is mentioned again at the end; it’s “the only place to rebind Nephilira’s Curse.”  So, while I love it as a title and think it’s fitting for the genre, I’m not sure that single mention of it in the story is significant enough for it to be used as the title.

Plot: 27/35

                5/5: Originality
                Definitely original, as always.  This is one aspect that I always love about your stories.  They’re always so unique and original that I’m never quite sure what to expect until I dive in.  And I love that.

                7/10: Believability
                I’m surprised to say I had a lot of problems with believability with this story.  I talk about one aspect here, but many of the other parts I want to talk about are better fitted to other sections, so I talk about them there.

Alright, I have a huge bone to pick here.  The last line of the story is “After everything they’d already been through, she wouldn’t lead them astray after all.”  From this, I get that this experience has renewed their trust in her (not that it was ever lost).  And yet, she essentially tricked all of them into rebinding the Curse for her.  I don’t really understand why the boys were all so okay with that.  The way this story is told, they followed after her blindly, gave up their lives to get Yoongi to her, only to find out she essentially played all of them.  Seokjin asks, “So you tried to drive Yoongi and us away so that we’d follow you to help you bind it again?” And she agrees!  With no apology!  (Or is that what she's apologizing for when she says, "Sorry about all this," because she doesn't come off as all that apologetic.)  I feel like they aren’t her equals, they’re her tools that she uses to help her maintain the balance.  She never says thank you for saving her or thank you for coming after her and not leaving her to suffer alone.  None of them questions her need to disappear alone and leave them with only dreams (which was confusing, btw).  No one asks why she didn’t just tell them what the problem was up front and ask for they’re help.  She just coordinated everything from behind the scenes and the more I type the angrier I am with her for playing with them and their lives.  Maybe I’m just missing something here, but I really don’t like this Pearl character.  I see her as a major threat to them.  But I’m not sure that’s what you were going for.

And then at the end when Yoongi finally finds her: what is she doing on the platform?  We see an image of her when Yoongi first sees her, but then she seems to disappears until he touches her.  Why didn’t she call out to him when he first landed?  Why don’t we at least see a facial expression?  Why didn’t she help him before he touched her?  Is she not conscious?

And what’s up with Yoongi becoming another seal?  I didn’t understand that.  But I did get the impression that he didn’t have a choice in the matter, but he now shares her responsibilities.  So he essentially got the short end of the stick in this whole thing.

                7/10: Narration
                My problems with the narration of this story was the flow of information which plays directly into believability as well.  The lack of information given was a little frustrating at times.  You give a little bit of a description of who the boys are in the Forewords, but that information needs to be in the actual story. At the end, you do a great job explaining everything and the boys’ carefree attitude “I don’t know what happened or why I’m here but you did it, Yoongi!” goes a long way to making the oddities more believable.  But I needed to know more earlier.  The tension in the story carries the reader a long way and keeps them interested, but it only lasts so long.  For me it lasted until the mirror wall with Hoseok and then I was questioning believability.  And then there’s this paragraph that comes up towards the end of the story and I couldn’t help but think, ‘Why didn’t we know this in the beginning of the story?'

"She was the only one who could have given them the clues they’d need to get to her once they’d gotten this far: a nemon.  At least that was what she and all her kind called themselves.  Descendants of the union of a Nephilim and a demon.  It was her that gave them purpose as rift runners.  Her that granted them powers enough to keep the balance between realms.  Without her, they were little more than boys playing hero in their backyard."

In the beginning I thought she was just a girl they cared for (and that Yoongi cared a bit more), but after this I’m thinking maybe not.  Maybe they just need her to keep the balance.  But I guess both are true.  But you never really give a reason as to why they’re willing to risk everything to go after her.

Then there’s the whole thing with the dreams.  We first get mention of the dreams with Hosoek and the mirror, then there’s some stuff that hints that maybe the other guys had dreams too, but I’m not sure.  Then three fourths of the way thru the story, Yoongi finally mentions his dream.  And I’m wondering, If they all had dreams, maybe that’s what’s driven them to this place to find her, but why did it take so long for the dreams to be mentioned?  I think there needs to be more clarity as to what the dreams showed them.  We don’t need to see the dream, but it’d be nice to know which actions they’re taking relate to the dreams.  There’s times when they do things and I don’t know how they knew to do it, unless it was in the dream, but you don’t say it was in the dream, so I’m confused.

I LOVE the beginning of this story.  With them on the edge deciding to take the jump into the unknown and then landing in the water and not everyone is there right away.  That was my favorite part because I was legit on the edge of my seat waiting to find out if their journey was over before it even begun.  And then the monster grabs Taehyung and when they get him out they follow the light, “Pearl."

Then comes a point in the story that would be a great opportunity for some back story.  Because at this point, we know the girl has disappeared and we know that she’s important enough to them to go into the unknown after her.  But we don’t know much else…  In the water, Yoongi calls them “Rift Boys” and commands them to ‘report’ like they’re a team.  But a team put together to do what?  What do they do, who are they that they’re able to travels the realms like you mention earlier (that they searched all the realms for her)?  Who is Pearl that she’s so important to them?  The story thus far is okay without this information, but from here on out, I start to lose believability.  The dreams need to be mentioned as well.  Either here or while they’re on the ledge (were the dreams a deciding factor in searching for her or for taking the leap?).

This story is very fast paced.  There’s always something happening, you move from one obstacle to the next without taking time to slow down and reflect on what just happened or to contemplate what will happen next.  While that isn’t always needed, I think a little bit of it in this story would help make it more believable.

If you had a reason for keeping everything a secret until the end like you did, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.  Otherwise, I think you need to take a closer look at the flow of information because, as it is, there’s a lot in this story that’s difficult to believe because it’s so unclear.

                8/10: Setting
                I am absolutely in love with the first paragraph of this story.  It’s gorgeous.  I’m picturing them like, in space, with all the realms around them, unseen, but just a rift away.  And right before them, unseen, is this “precipice of nothingness.”  And I’m like, this is such a great image!  And then two paragraphs later, Namjoon leans over to peer down and mentions ‘ground’ and a ‘never ending pit’ and I’m like, wait, there’s something physical here?  We can actually see what they’re standing on?  You never take the time to describe where they are.

And then, the first time I read the story, I was really confused why you weren’t describing where they were or the scenery.  Then I read it again and realized I had somehow missed the lines where you say everything is black...  I guess I was so eager for all the action and to find out what happens next that those lines didn’t register.  So maybe that needs to be emphasized more.  I mean, they’re in Neverealm, it makes sense that there’s no light, that both the water and the land are black.  But again, with no reflection in the story, it makes it easy to overlook things like this.  You also bury this description in the middle of paragraphs, almost as a passing thought.  But setting is important enough to have it’s own paragraph.  If they can’t see anything outside the bubble of light that “Pearl” provides, what about their other senses?  Can they smell anything?  Hear anything?  Do their footsteps make noise in this place? What kind of noise and does it echo at all?  Does the water taste weird?  Does the land have any texture besides being solid which is what differentiates it from the water?  How about the atmosphere?  Does the darkness around them simply feel empty or does it feel threatening?  Is there any movement in the air or is it still?  You mention that they’re shivering really bad in the water, what about when they reach land?  Are they still dripping water and freezing cold as “Pearl” leads them away from the water?

They’re in this really cool place that’s not even supposed to exist.  Take the time to make us feel like we’re there with them.  I think that’s just as important as the action.

Characterization: 28/35

                6/10: Development
                Hmmm…  I really had to think about this one.  But the way I see it, there’s very little development here.  There’s potential for development, but I don’t really see it happen in the story...

I’m going to argue that Yoongi is the main character in this story and thus is the only one that needs to show development.  If you look at Yoongi in the beginning of the story and Yoongi at the end of the story, I don’t see that much of a difference.  I don’t see how everything that’s happened in the story is going to affect him in the future.  And yet so much has happened so it should affect him in some way.  In the beginning, Yoongi tries to get his friends to let him go alone, but they insist on coming.  And then they essentially die one by one right in front of him in an effort to ensure that he can continue on.  That has to change him.  You do a great job showing how close they all are and how much they care for each other so it has got to kill a small part of him to see them sacrifice themselves for him.  Yet, you go through the story so quickly that there’s no reflection on this.  So we never really see what Yoongi thinks about what they’re doing.  And I’m like, “if you’re friends keep dying, why are you still going?”  I can come to my own conclusions, but I shouldn’t have to.  What’s Yoongi’s reasoning for continuing on?

And what does it mean that Nephilira’s Curse is now rebound?  I’m not sure I ever got an accurate description of what the “Rift Boys” are so I’m not sure how the ‘rebinding’ changes things.  Except things are back to normal now.  But this whole thing seems like too horrific an experience for things to simply go back to normal.  Especially given what I mentioned earlier in the Believability section.

                4/5: Presentation
                You do a great job presenting the character’s distinct personalities through dialogue and actions, but you never take the time to describe each character visually.  So when you start using titles, such as “the platinum haired man” or “the shortest man,” I don’t know which name is associated with that character (unless I already know BTS well).  So there were times I was confused which character was speaking.

                10/10: Diversity
                8/10: Purpose
                I’m not sure you need all seven members in this story.  You do a great job making the characters distinct, but I don’t see their purpose.  You start to hint that they have ‘powers’ and maybe they each have different powers.  And each of them stays behind at a different point to help give Yoongi more time to move on, but what makes each character unique that they stay behind in that instant?  Why is it Hoseok that deals with the mirror wall?  What can Jimin do that the others can’t that leads him to hold back the wave?  Or is it that he’s so upset about Hoseok that he decides he doesn’t want to go on any longer so stays to hold back the wave?  And then there’s what Taehyung does with the wave crashing on them and then opening a path and I’m like, ‘why didn’t he do that before Jimin went suicidal.’  There’s no rhyme or reason with this and I think there needs to be to make it believable.

Writing Style: 20/20

                10/10: Spelling/Grammar
                No problems here~

                5/5: Consistency
                5/5: Flow
                The consistency and flow of your writing was perfect.  The consistency and flow of the story on the other hand was a bit bumpy because of everything else I’ve talked about in this review.

TOTAL: 83/100

Wow.  I realize that was a ton to read through.  I apologize for that.  I also apologize for how long you had to wait for this review.  I thought I’d be able to kick it out in a weekend, but I should have remembered that I always have to think more than that when I review your stories.

I get the impression that you wrote this one shot in one sitting.  Then edited it and posted it while still too close to the story.  I feel like a lot of what I mentioned here are all things that you overlooked because you were too close to the story.  Too caught up in putting the images in your head onto paper that you didn’t give the story as a whole enough attention.  Tell me if I’m way off base with that. It’s just that your writing and descriptions and characters are amazing.  It’s so well written.  But the story you’re telling needs some work to make it more clear and believable.

I hope you’ll take everything I said here with a grain of salt.  I made a lot of suggestions and that’s not because I think you need to make all these changes.  All the problems seemed to compound on each other so it was difficult for me to find the root source.  So this review seems to have turned into a brainstorm of what I had problems believing and possible ways to make it more believable.  But they are merely suggestions (even if I didn’t state it as such).  I would love to hear your thoughts on this review and this story and turn this into a conversation.  Because I know you’ll be able to clear up some of this for me and maybe help me see if I just simply overlooked something in the story.

SouthWest

P.S. You have some cursing in this story…  Should that not be labeled mature?