The Definition of Jungkook
written by mistressdean
reviewed by SouthWest

This review covers Chapter 1: 000 through Chapter 23: 022

Title: 10/10
I like this title.  It fits.  The definitions assignment is a constant throughout the story and ending each chapter with a definition ties it all in.  I would have liked to see more of the assignment in the actual story though.  A question or comment about it every once in a while.  To see Minhee or Jungkook working on the assignment and what they’re thinking about as they’re answering rather than just the finished response we see at the end of the chapter.  I look forward to you tying it all together again at the end.  Wrapping up the assignment and then maybe we’ll get to see what Minhee’s definition of Jungkook is.

Plot: 19/25

                8/10: Setting
               There were never any blaring issues with setting.  But I do invite you to focus more on it.  Not just the physical setting, but the atmosphere as well.  When a character walks into a room, what it looks like it just as important as what it feels like to that character.  Is it a comfortable room that the character is happy to be in?  Is the atmosphere tense and the character feels they have to tread lightly?  That helps set up a scene just as importantly as the physical setting.  Also, how does the physical setting affect the characters mood?  When Minhee returns home, does the familiar setting of her home calm her after a long day at school, or is she so agitated about something that not even that can calm her down?

One other thing I want to mention here is the passage of time.  Setting isn't just physical or the atmosphere, setting is time too. You label the scene by the day it takes place on, but the reader still needs to read it in the body of the story, too.   Which Tuesday is it?  Is it a day after a certain event happened, is it a week?  Has a month passed?  Has anything changed in that amount of time?  If you like labeling the scene with the day, that’s fine, but don’t take it as a shortcut.  If it’s important to the story, it needs to be restated in the body of the story, too.

                5/5: Originality
                School AU’s are common, but I like how you’ve made this original in the sense that they’re not automatically invested in the other’s life.  It takes time for them to warm up to each other.  The way it’s done leaves the story lacking in other areas, but the idea behind this story is refreshingly original.

                6/10: Believability
                There are a number of issues here I want to address.

Minhee’s Stammer: This speech impediment doesn’t have nearly the importance in the story that I anticipated.  It’s an issue in the beginning during her date with Jungkook, and then it shows up randomly throughout the story, but it doesn’t cause nearly as much tension as it did in that during that first chapter.  When writing, you add the extra letter and the hyphen to indicate that she’s stuttering, but you don’t mention anything about what’s going through her mind.  When she’s upset, does she have to work harder to get the words out?  Is she extra frustrated when it happens because it doesn’t happen all the time?  Is she ever afraid to speak because she’s terrified to stammer?  At one point you say, "The first are the ones who find her stammer normal and this kind is mostly made up of teenagers. The seconds are the ones who insensitively remark on her stammer and this kind is mostly made up of the elderly."  This flat-out isn’t believable for me.  I would think it’s the opposite.  Especially in Korea.  She would be picked on and made fun of for her stammer.  Isolated from her classmates.  The Elderly would be more sympathetic, probably blaming her parents for not getting it fixed.  I really like the scene when Jungkook is breaking down during which situations she stutters.  Not only does it showcase how much attention Jungkook is actually paying her, it also offers an explanation for why she stammers in certain situations and not others.  The way you’ve written this, as the reader, I’m able to go along with it, but it’s not really believable.  It doesn’t really make sense psychologically.  I thought it would be more, when she’s comfortable with the person she’s talking to or confident in what she’s talking about, then the stammer would go away.  Versus when she’s nervous and not so sure of herself (which would make sense that she stammer’s around boys).  I don’t know if you plan on explaining this later on in the story, but maybe an explanation of when/how her speech impediment started, it would make it more believable for me.

The Definitions Assignment: An assignment like this is definitely more of an American thing.  They don’t have assignments like this in Korea.  Education there is centralized on testing and memorizing information for the test.  Intelligence in Korea is based on the ability to memorize and spit out information later during a test even when you don’t fully understand it.  Thus, an assignment like this would actually be quite difficult for intelligent Koreans.  They’re never encouraged to be this creative.   Jungkook, with his intelligence, could probably write down all the dictionary definitions from memory, but is he creative and self-thinking enough to write the definitions in his own words?  This sounds very much like an experimental assignment in Korea.  It will do nothing to help the students on college exams.   That should have been Jongkook’s argument against it.  I was actually really confused as to what this assignment was supposed to be in the beginning.  When it was first introduced, I thought it was just reword the definitions in your own words.  Anyone can copy from the dictionary, but using your own words shows understanding, and that’s what the teacher is looking for.  And yet Minhee and Jungkook are writing these abstract concepts as definitions that I have to work to tie to the word they’re defining.  And they’ve gotten increasingly abstract and complicated.

Minhee’s beliefs about boys: So, I’m not sure how important this is, but I wanted to mention it to you anyways.  Minhee has some very strong beliefs about how girls should be treated by boys and I’m not sure where these beliefs come from in her life.  It comes off as you, as the author, are using this character to promote your own beliefs.  Which, in and of itself, isn’t bad, it’s pretty common.  But you have to find a way to tie it into the character.  I’m referring to the whole boy-grabs-girl-by-the-wrist-and-jerks-her-around is not okay, and then later in the story Minhee thinks, "In reality, you don’t fall for the guy who insults you. The “if he’s mean to you, he likes you” excuse society tell girls is complete bull. No young girl should grow up believing verbal abuse is love and Minhee shouldn’t have to accept this kind of “affection.” It’s not flattering nor is it a healthy attitude. If a boy is rude to you, it means he doesn’t like you. Minhee may not be book-smart or a specialist, but these are standards she lives by."  She doesn’t seem like the kind of girl to believe in this stuff.  I’m not sure she has enough experience with boys to believe something like this.  I don’t know where she got this standard from.  She seems like more of the kind to seek attention.  Even if someone is making fun of her, at least they’re acknowledging that she’s there.  She’s a bit of an outsider and her stammer must make it difficult for her to make friends.  I feel like it would be more believable if it was someone else in her life that believes this and has tried to drill it into Minhee.  She doesn’t fully embody this school of thought, but she strives to do so.  Maybe it was Lizzy that taught her this.  Lizzy would think less of her if she fell for someone that’s mean to her.  That scenario strikes me as much more believable.

Characters drifting off topic in speeches and no one calling them on it:  There’s multiple times in the story when I can tell that you’re trying really hard to make an impression out of a character’s speech.  Either a fancy comeback, or a long-winded complaint to a teacher, etc.  And I can tell what you’re trying to do with it, but it’s not quite there yet.  There’s still a gap between what you want to say and what the reader is reading.  The best way to improve this is use a beta reader.  Beta reading isn’t just about finding grammar mistakes. Sometimes the author intends for a scene or a moment to instill a certain emotion or thought in the reader, but it doesn’t work the way the author intended.  That’s exactly what’s happening here and that’s something a beta reader can help you with.  Sometimes it’s just the character drifting off topic. And the simplest way to solve the problem is to have someone call them on it.  Some specific examples of what I’m talking about:

• Jungkook talking back to the teacher about the definitions assignment.  It doesn’t really make any sense… I don’t know what it even has to do with the assignment.  The teacher mentions it will be easy for him, but he responds with him not being stupid enough.  It just doesn’t seem like he’s arguing about the assignment at all. 
• Sungyeol and his math assignment: He’s not asking anything about the shortest route.  He’s drifting off topic and no one calls him on it…
• Jungkook to Minhee: He admits he goes back on his word and then tells her to have a little faith?  Confusing…
• Minhee’s conversation with Daehyun: “To Daehyun, she sounds crestfallen. ‘Ahh, I'm sorry if I offended you again. I didn't mean to insult your friend or your friendship with him. Believe me, I don't have anything against him because I can appreciate a person who is honest with himself and others. It's just that Jungkook and I don't run in the same circle, and the things I heard about him weren't always kind.’ Daehyun shrugs. ‘It seems that after a while he stopped socializing with people altogether. Can't blame him. People are nosy. Take me, for example. They want to exploit me for my basketball achievements. A person should get to choose his friends."  I really don’t understand what he’s getting at here or what it has to do with Minhee. 
• Jungkook to Minhee:  "When it comes to you, I don't see you as inferior to me. Academics-wise, yes, but social-wise, no. You're not the kind of girl who dreams that the world is rainbows and unicorns, so I think you'll see the whole picture when I say we aren't fictional characters. We're not going to be insta-best friends who have long talks, share secrets, and pour our sappy emotions to each other. My point is you should comprehend what is at stakes when you socialize with a person like me. I'm not looking for friendship or anything that will last beyond high school. We're friends in name and appearance, and you don't automatically gain my loyalty and confidence and neither do I have yours. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"  I don’t understand what he’s trying to say in the beginning of this.  This conversation seems really out of character for him.  He’s like stumbling around and taking the long road to make his point.  This whole conversation could be shortened to, “I’m not looking for friendship or anything that will last beyond high school. We're friends in name and appearance, and you don't automatically gain my loyalty and confidence and neither do I have yours. Do you understand what I'm telling you?” 
• Jackson teasing Jungkook about Minhee: This comeback doesn’t fit…  Jackson didn’t say that she’s special, he said that she’s the only girl for Jungkook.  I don’t see how this shuts Jackson up.  He should easily have a comeback that she’s Jungkook’s girl and Jackson would never think of taking her from him.  Or that she’s just a friend.

Random questions: Why is the top student being announced in September?  That’s an odd time for that.  Minhee asked her mom to make sushi for her new friends at school but then her mom asks has she made any new friends?  Did you mean to make her mom sound absent minded?

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Characterization: 30/35

                5/5: Presentation
               No problems here.

                5/10: Development
                This is my main problem with the story.  There isn’t a lot of development.  There’s some development in MinKook’s relationship, and there’s some development in Jungkook (facing his brothers), but overall, the characters are pretty much the same in Chapter 019 compared to Chapter 001.  Then all of a sudden in Chapter 020 things change.  There’s suddenly an outside conflict that affects the group and how they deal with that conflict is going to change the characters.  That change is the development.  The fact that it took 20 chapters to get there, isn’t good.  Characters should be changing and developing throughout the story.  I know you (as the author) wanted to write a story like this to make a point.  You wanted the relationship with Jungkook and Minhee to be more realistic; to progress slowly.  Which is great and original, and I love the idea.  However, that doesn’t mean that the characters shouldn’t be growing and changing in and of themselves.  As I talk about later in the Narration section, there isn’t much conflict in this story until Chapter 020.  There’s small conflicts (the stolen underwear, Jungkook’s brothers) but the aspect of the story that the readers are really anticipating is MinKook’s relationship.

Let’s talk about the development of MinKook’s relationship.  If you look at Chapter 019 compared to Chapter 001, Minhee and Jungkook’s relationship has definitely changed.  They are definitely closer now than they were before.  And yet, I can’t really tell you when things changed.  There was the scene when Jungkook returns her notebook with her dinosaur pencil (OMG that was so cute), but then there’s a couple scenes where it seemed like it was more of a step backwards in their budding relationship.  And then all of sudden Minhee is thinking of Jungkook as an actual friend, and I’m like, when did that happen?  I want to get inside Minhee’s head to find out specifically what happened to make her start seeing and labeling Jungkook as a friend.  And vice versa; I want to understand Jungkook, too.  There’s one scene when Jungkook is saying Minhee is too much of a good thing, and I’m thinking, HOW is she a good thing?  What is it that happened to make him think that?  There needs to be more reflection on how their scenes together have impacted them, individually and together.  That reflection ensures that the reader is on the same page.

Since Chapter 020, I’m loving the character development.  All the characters are faced with an obstacle they’re going to have to overcome.  Jungkook most of all, obviously.  But Sungyeol as well.  Minhee standing up in class and speaking out for Jungkook, she had a great moment of realization there.  My favorite is Jackson’s realization, when he’s thinking about all the text messages he’s receiving about this being a great opportunity for MinKook.  Taehyung as well, thinking of what his Aunt told him.  I’m really looking forward to how things play out in the coming chapters.

                20/20: Diversity/Purpose
                No problems here either.  The guys are a nice mix of diverse characters and they play off each other really well.  Their purpose was hazy there for a while (were ALL of them really needed to bring Jungkook and Minhee together?), but now that there’s really some conflict happening, each character’s purpose is really becoming more clear.  I also really like that you’ve chosen members from different K-Pop groups to be characters in this story.  Instead of choosing a group with 6-7 members in it and then struggling to find a purpose for all of them, you’ve chosen only the characters you needed.

Writing Style: 24/30

                8/10: Narration
                As I mentioned before, you have really good tension in your writing.  That’s what I love about it.  A lot of people struggle with it, but you seem to naturally write with tension.  There’s tension in every scene and that keeps the reader invested.  But the tension needs to add up to a larger conflict, and that’s where this story is lacking.

You mentioned to me that you wanted feedback on the mystery surrounding Jungkook.  You’ve included a lot of foreshadowing about this.  I understood early on that he had a secret.  Something happened over the summer, between when he met Minhee and when school started up again.  You consistently hint that there’s something there (his convo with his dad, then his mom, him being really smart but the shadows under his eyes and needing to borrow her notebook, etc), but you never add to it, you never lead us to guess anything, his secret is just there in the background.  The main reason this is, is because Minhee never speculates.  She’s basically the main character and the readers follow her lead.  She takes note of certain oddities about Jungkook, but she never really wonders why, she never delves deeper; so the reader doesn’t either.  You explain this early on with, “He’s a private person and she respects that because she, too, values her privacy. (Chapter 007)” And for the majority of the story, that explains it.  But as Minhee begins to get to know Jungkook better and they become “friends,” I thought it would be more forefront in Minhee’s mind.  She would wonder more about it, so the reader would wonder more about it.  Towards the end of Chapter 022, you mention she has “an imaginative nature, not a suspicious nature.”  And yet she never spent any time imagining what his secret is.  I thought Jungkook would be more agitated about it and worry more.  But chapter 020 really caught me by surprise; and not in a good way.  I didn’t think it would affect Jungkook that much.  I had no idea.  And as the reader, I should have.  If this was such a big deal for Jungkook, there should have been a build in anticipation leading up to that moment.  The other way to play it, is that it takes Jungkook by surprise too.  Just like the reader, he had no idea it would affect him this much.  But when you have this moment where the character has anticipated it and knew it was going to happen, but the reader had no idea, as the reader, I feel cheated.  I feel tricked.  You had all of this set up and so much going on in the background, but you kept it all from us.  You didn’t let us worry and anticipate with the characters.

Something else I want to mention here is your use of present tense in this story.  I’m really curious why you choose to use present tense instead of past tense.  When a story is in present tense, it automatically adds urgency to the text.  Everything is happening “now.”  This can be really good in certain stories, but in a story as long as this, it can actually tire the reader out.  Also, because everything is in the “now,” there’s not a lot of room for reflection.  This is where present tense contradicts your writing style.  You have a very strong author’s voice.  You, as the author, often make comments about the characters or the situation.  The first example that comes to mind is the beginning of chapter 021.  That’s the author’s voice and it’s really awkward in present tense.  Obviously, this isn’t something you can change in the middle of the story, but I’m really curious why you chose present tense and if that’s what you normally write in.  I suggest experimenting in past tense in your future stories.  I think it would complement your writing style a lot better.  One other note I want to make concerning this, your chapter titles; It Started with…, is in past tense.  I know it’s inspired from the show, but it actually really bothers me that the title is in past tense, but the chapter itself is in present.

                7/10: Consistency/Flow
                This is a note I made after I had finished reading Chapter 006:  “The pace of the story is rather slow.  It doesn’t really seem like it because you have good tension in all your scenes, and that conflict keeps the reader interested.  But on a larger scale, I don’t really know where the story is going.  The only real conflict (on a larger scale) is Minhee and Jongkook.  There are no other storylines.  None of the other guys have problems to be fixed.  Jongkook has something going on with his parents, but that hasn’t been mentioned in a while.  So when the whole of the story centers on Minhee and Jongkook, and it takes until 006 for there to be a change in their relationship (I refer to Jongkook telling her about when she stammers), the pace of the story is rather slow.  The reader is waiting all this time for that moment.  There’s nothing else in the story for us to anticipate.  Things happen between the two of them every chapter, but it takes so long for there to be a change in their relationship.  You’re mirroring real life, yes.  And in real life it takes this long for relationships to form, I agree.  But this is a story, not real life.  If you want it to be more like real life, then throw other conflicts into Minhee’s life.  Make her more involved in a club, make her more involved in her friends conflicts, give her conflicts other than Jongkook.  He has conflicts in his life other than her.  But it seems like her focus is on him most of the time.  Which means the reader’s focus is on him and their relationship.”.

This continues to be applicable throughout the rest of the story as well.  The reader’s focus is on their relationship.  Jungkook’s secret is there as well, but it’s more in the background.  You remind us that it’s there, but it never becomes a pressing issue until Chapter 020.  Jackson and everyone rooting for MinKook just intensifies the focus on their relationship.  And yet it takes 6 chapters for them to have a “moment” then there’s several thing that happen that seem more like a step back than a step forward.  When Minhee starts texting Jongkook, I’m really confused as to why.  I don’t understand why she’s interested in talking with him.  You explain that texting is easier for her than face to face and that comes up a few times, which is all good.  But I don’t understand what’s going through her head.  Her texting him all the time just feels like she’s nagging him.  Why does she want to talk to him at all?  I missed what changed in their relationship that makes her feel comfortable enough to text him.  Then when things start picking up and you’re giving hints that Minhee might be starting to develop feeling for him, Jungkook acknowledges that she’s a “friend”, possible “best friend”.  So I’m just majorly confused most of the time about how to define their relationship.  You want a story that takes things more realistically, and yet the story is all about them and their “lack” of a relationship.

                9/10: Spelling/Grammar
                There were a good number of grammar errors I came across.  Nothing serious enough to warrant a comment, they seemed more like mistakes that just weren’t caught before the chapter was posted.  And this review is already too long without me pointing all of them out here.

TOTAL: 83/100

I normally give long reviews, but with stories as long as this one, there’s just so much to talk about.  So, I know the length is rather overwhelming, but I hope you find this review helpful.  I would love to start a conversation with you about this story.  If there is anything confusing in this review or you’d like feedback on something I didn’t mention here, feel free to talk to me about it.

I think my main criticism is the lack of progress in the first 19 or so chapters.  I actually feel kind of guilty criticizing them because they are so well written.  Your scenes have wonderful tension in them and your writing makes the chapters easy and enjoyable to read.  But without a larger conflict looming over those chapters, the story just meanders around without actually going anywhere.  With Chapter 020, everything is changing and the story is a lot more exciting.  A meandering storyline isn’t all that bad when you’re posting the story online chapter by chapter.  If your only goal is to keep readers interested, then you’re doing exactly that with each exciting, tension-filled, update.  But I looked at the story and reviewed it as an (unfinished) whole.  I don’t expect you to go back to “fix” this, I don’t suggest that you do, I actually hope you don’t.  But it’s something to keep in mind as you plan the rest of this story and with future stories.

Just a head’s up, there’s a link to a blog post about the story in Chapter 018, but the link doesn’t work anymore...

Thank you for being so patient waiting for this review!  I loved this story and definitely wanted to give it a thorough review.  I hope you find it helpful and I look forward to hearing your thoughts on it!

SouthWest