Runes of Despair
written by myheartswishes
reviewed by -Tigress-

Title: 5/10
I really don't understand how the title links to the story. While it is certainly an interesting and unique title, where is the significance within the story? It's largely possible that we will get there, since the story is as of yet incomplete, but through the first 18 chapters I can't see it. I would suggest naming it something more along the lines of "Promise Me" or "I Promise" or anything with "Promise" in the title: an overlying theme within your story is keeping one's word and it would suit a title. As it is, despir certainly fits the overall theme but there have been no runes mentioned at all, let alone multiple runes. So unless it's something big that will be explained further into the story, I would suggest changing your title.

Plot: 15/25

                7/10: Setting
                The setting is very well described in general. The camp layout itself was a little confusing, it was never fully desribed so I was not able to picture it in my mind, but I do understand that with how fast paced the story was, you didn't want to drag it down with heavy description segments. I would suggest giving a bit more description during the first chapters of her in the camp, that way the readers can envision it better.
                The setting of the world itself is really intriguing. A lot of stories have a dystopian future set in Korea, but you've sprinkled in these tidbits that tell of how the government was overthrown and by whom. What I am confused over is why. It's never touched on as to why they Great Uprising came about, what the Organization was doing that brought about their destruction, etc. When world building, you want to plan out the world and recent history before ever writing your first chapter, that was you can avoid confusion as to why and how and when things have happened.
               Especially the when, because honestly, your timeline keeps changing drastically. I am SO confused! Throughout the story, you mention how the lead character, Eunkyung, was 8 years old when her parents died. As per the narration, I am guessing that that event, when the Organization was wiped out, was what is called the Great Uprising? In your foreword you say that the Great Uprising happened 10 years before, so when the story picked up in current time, I was expecting Eunkyung to be 18. Yet you specifically say that only three years have passed and she is 11 years old... at the beginning of the second chapter. Yet at the end of the second chapter, she meets Kyungsoo and introduces everyone and says that she is 14! But then when she meets Mark she again says it has been three years since her parents died, but she describes herself as 14, and it happens again when she thinks she has died. So how old is she? How much time has passed? 
                Speaking of time passing. When Mark first sets their plan into acion, you mark the top of the chapter as being Spring of 2024, and then in chapter 18, you say a week has passed. But the Date mark at the top of the chapter says it is Spring of 2025, one year later.
                So all of that serves to point out the biggest issue I had with your story: An inconsistency in your timelines. You need to have a sure idea in your mind as to when things happened, how old people are, how much time has passed, etc. And then stick with it!

                2/5: Originality
                 Since there are many, many stories set in futuristic Korea with a female OC lead and an idol love interest (or two), I cannot say that this is very original. I do like the use of technoology that you have created for this world, and the fact that your lead character is better than a lot of the ones for these type of stories, but the plot itself is kind of predictable with this trope. Throw in more twists to make it more unique (twists that fit with what ypu've already built, though!), or continue with the general trope; either way, it is your choice. As it is, it's not an original story but it is a good read. 

                6/10: Believability
                 You add a lot of elements to help with the believability, despite the fact that your skewed tieline detracts a lot from this section. Other than the timeline, which I already spoke about, there is the problem with wounds. Your action scenes are really intense and bloody and as such, your characters get injured a lot. That is a good thing as it makes yur story more believable in the fact that your characters aren't miraculously free of harm. However,  you do have the habit of injuring them quite bady (in the second chapter, Eunkyung got beaten so badly that she broke a rib and spat out blood) and then following their injuries, they heal ridiculously fast (she had no after effects of said beating or broken rib, and even ran around and fought the next day). One does not run around the day after a broken rib: it takes 6-8 weeks to heal and it is hard to breathe, bend, stretch, etc. So while I commend you for actually being willing to wound (and kill!!!) your characters, i caution you to do more research into what wounds you can inflict on them so as not to restrain them too much (so instead of a broken rib, just make the beating enough... makes her wounds a lot more believable).

Characterization: 28/35

                4/5: Presentation
                 I will start with the physical presentation of your characters, as I think it's pretty much one of the only places in which i think you lack here. You don't describe much about the character's physical appearances at all, so that I genuinely have no idea of what Eunkyung is supposed to look like. How tall is she? What color/length/texture is her hair? Is she too slender because of their skimpy diet, or is she fit due to the training of the camp? Knowing these things, not just about her but about all of the characters, makes it easier for the reader to not only picture them, but to empathize with or put themselves in the character's shoes. When you have an original character, describing them is incredibly necessary. Even when you are using an idol, describe them as if your reader has never seen them before.
                That being said, I really really like how you have presented the characters. Since I will talk about the diversity and purpose of all of them in a moment, let me focus on who I see as the three lead characters: Eunkyung, Luhan, and Mark. 
                Mark and Luhan, while very similar in their presentation of their characters, have not only noted that similllarity and confronted it within in the story, but they have  a reason for being so similar. You've done it purposefully so as to drive the plot forward, and as such, I honestly thought you would kill off one or the other. it would have made sense to do so since you have the marked similarities between the two! As it is, you will need to work hard to differentiate between them and give them their own purposes. But their attitudes and their entire characters are written nicely and they come off as very believable characters (minus the age discrepancies!)
                 Eunkyung is your lead character, and she is the best of them all. You depict her as being strong yet having weaknesses, which is something that a lot of OC characters miss out on; people write the girl as being either the weakling always in need of saving, or as the tough girl who is so strong that she never needs help. You've balanced Eunkyung out really well!

                9/10: Development
                 I am going to focus here on the development of the lead character only. The story is for her POV and as such, it is hard to get a feel for the growth that the others go through.
                I really like Eunkyung, I think I have already said that bu it is the simple truth. She is a well rounded character in that she isn't too strong but isn't too weak either.She feels like an everyday average girl that has tried her best to step up and be a mother figure to the boys she is in the camp with (and Jongin's sister who was mentioned once but then neevr mentioned again???). When you first set up Eunkyung's character, she was just a young girl who was spoiled and used to getting her way, but she already had the ideals of a strong woman implanted in her by her parent's teachings. So it made perfect natrual sense for her to develope into the strong and caring (11 year old? 14 year old?) that we see in the rest of the story. The biggest flaw in her is the age discrepancy, yet again. If she is an 11 year old, then many of the physical things she did toward the latter chapters were completely implausible. If she is a 14 year old, they make sense, but then you have to account for the extra three years sent in the camp and how it could have changed her outlook on life and her bnd with the boys. I am going to assume that you mean for her to be 14, nd continue from there. 
                 For a fourteen year old girl she is very mature and grown up beyond her years which makes perfect sense given the role she has had to step into and the terrible things that she has gone through. I also liked how you had slight remnders that she is just a kid still; her stupidity with the fear of the gun vs using a sword, and her hypocritical behaviour with Baekhyun after he lost Jongin, even after she just got people killed because of her sword vs gu thing. So those reminders that she is still young and inexperienced and sometimes irrational are nice to see, it makes her feel more real and human. Overall, you've done a really good job with Eunkyung.

                15/20: Diversity/Purpose
                 First off, let me explain my score here. I have a lot to say about your backup characters but as they are unimportant to the overall story, I only scored for the diversity and purpose of the main 4 characters (Eunkyung, Mark, Luhan, and Kris).
                Well, I already touched on the Mark+Luhan similarities, and so I won't talk about that here. Eunkyung has a very strong purpose (I should hope so! haha), and Kyungsoo seems to (the whole part that the bad guys are interested in him too) and Jongin does as well. I don't fully understand why Kris is touted as one of the main characters when he has barely made an appearance, and yet Luhan isn't even on the poster. That's quite confusing and honestly, with what you have built (and the fact that you did NOT kill either Mark or Luhan), I don't even see a point for Kris being in the story at all.
               As for the rest of them, they very much feel like filler characters. What is the difference between Chen, Lay, Suho, and Xiumin? Why are there both Baekhyun and Chanyeol when one would serve the roles you've assigned to the two of them? Why are there two little boys (Jongin and Sehun) when only one serves to drive the plot forward (Jongin)? You have a lot of characters that are unnecessary and as such, come across as just there because they are in the band I noticed that even you seemed to forget who all you had in your story because at times you would write the wrong name (she was sparring against Jongdae even though he wasn't even there at the time) and there were also times in the author's notes where you had to remind readers who all was there in the camp. I would suggest removing the characters who are not necessary for the plot  so as to avoid any further confusion for yourself and for the readers.

Writing Style: 21/30

                9/10: Narration
                Your narration is good, I like the way that you tell a story. I do need to point out that the notations in the first chapter explaining Korean words are totally unnessary and distracting from what you're actually saying. Also, when writing dialogue, never ever have two people speak in the same paaragraph. It must always be a new paragraph for each speaker, even if it is only for one word.
               My only other thing to say about the narration is more of a personal opinion. With the story being written in second person POV (aka 'you'), it makes it hard to really care about the characters or the feel the suspence. For instance, if I were to say, (You ran as fast as you could, moving for the cliff and hoping you can jump to the other side), the reader can kind of know that it is a given thwt you will reach the other side. First person (aka "I") is limited like that as well, but not as much as "you"... (I ran as fast as I could, moving for the cliff and hoping I could jump to the other side), while third person is much more suspenseful (Eunkyung ran as fast as she could, moving for the cliff and hoping that she could jump to the other side) since the reader is unsure as to if the protaganist will be able to complete their goal. However, that is simply my opinion and so I have not detracted anything from your score for that. As an avid action reader and writer, I just feel that first and second person don't do the story justice. 

                4/10: Consistency/Flow
                Besides the obvious error in your consistency (hat of the timeline), there was nothing that really affected that. What was affected was your flow, though, because of the constant time jumps. You had this large chunk of chapters in which you showed the events inside the camp, how Eunkyung met the boys, etc. While these were great to see, not only for characterization purposes but for explaining the plot, they were confusing and frustrating as to their placement, Right in the middle of Mark's arrival and his explanation of things, you jump back and give several chapters of flashbacks before returning to the same spot you left. Cut those flasshbacks out of there and place them in linear order (since your second chapter jumps right in, I would suggest placing them  before Mark's arrival, after Kyungsoo's), and you will remove any confusion. It will also allow your story to flow smoothly and allow the reader to really feel for the plight of these characters.

                8/10: Spelling/Grammar
                The biggest issue that I saw in this category is your use of commas. I am curious as to if you wrote the first chapter and the description far before you wrote the rest of the story, because in the description and the first chapter, you have quite a few misplaced commas. In the rest of the story, thouhg, you underuse commas So I figured I would just tell you some of the rules of comma placement.
               * Use a comma to separate elements in a series (she has a shirt, hat, and hairtie)
              * Use a comma to connest two independent clauses (she remembered to look left, but forgot to look right)
             * Use a comma to set off introductory elements (Running away from the building, she suddenly realized that a line of gunmen had moved to block her path)
            * Use a comma to set off paranthetical elements (aka = something in a sentence that can be removed and yet not change the menaing of the sentence. I.e. She reached the wall, which had been crumbling for some time, and climbed over it quickly. Notice how the middle part could be take out, and if so, then the commas could be removed?)
            * Use a comma to separate adjectives. If you can put an 'and' or 'but' between adjectives, then a comma would belong there. If you cannot, then it wouldn't. (so 'he had long, red hair' would be incorrect because 'he had long and red hair' is incorrrect, while 'he had long, shiny red hair' would be correct because 'he had long and shiny red hair' is correct.)
            Those are a few of the rules of comma usage, but they are the most common ones you will come across while writing fanfiction. The other thing I noticed is actually only in one place. You mention where Luhan's face is 'marred', and from the use I could tell that you meant that his face was clear of scras, but the meaning of the word 'marred' is disfigured or impaired in appearance. Bes ure that you know the meaning of words before you use them; just because they sound good doesn't mean that they actually say what you're trying to say.

TOTAL: 69/100

Even Okay! Please do not let the score discourage you, I really think your story has so much potential. It's a nice, fun plot with a great lead character, and you have a lot of room for making it more unique and really rounding out your characters. I would sugest actually ending this story where it is; it''s a perfect ending place for a first part and you can then begin a sequel, setting up your story to move along further without running the risk of getting too long. One of our reviewers once conducted a poll and found that most readers are more likely to read a series of stories than one long story, so ending this one at the 18 chapters you have and focusing on a sequel is what I would suggest for you. 
Thank you very much for requesting from the Library, I do hope that my observations help you! Good luck! -Tigress-