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An Angel Devil
written by SimpleSpecial
reviewed by kpopandkdramas

 

Title: 10/10
 The title fits with the story. One minute Baekhyun is being an adorable, and nice “boyfriend” and a minute later he’s just rude. Not only was it Baekhyun but the main character herself was like that. The story is really cute in that kind of sense. As I continued to read I could see how that title really fit within the story line. 

 

Plot: 25/35

                2/5: Originality
                It wasn’t completely original as it was a typical plot. Two people hate each other. One of them likes the other, but the other doesn’t, and in the end that end up going out. In that kind of sense it wasn’t that original. 

                8/10: Believability
                I was able to see it play out in my head; however I thought it needed a bit detail because the story moved a bit too quickly.

                8/10: Narration
                It was interesting to read it from a first person view because I’m not used to it. But I felt that the narration was a bit bumpy. The main characters thought weren’t really clear and she seemed to change her thoughts and feelings really quickly. If you were to transition her feelings a bit more smoothly than the narration would be better.

                7/10: Setting
                There were a quite a few scenes that I didn’t know where the characters were and there were no transition that indicated where they were. I felt that the setting was a bumpy because I didn’t know where they were some of the time I was reading. However, most of the time I was able to picture where they were. 

 

Characterization: 27/35

                6/10: Development
                I’m still not aware of the main character's personality that well. Since it’s from a first person view I think you should develop her a bit better. Maybe just add in a few details about her likes and dislikes. Baekhyun is also one of the characters you need to work one because his characterization is a bit confusing in the sense that we (the readers) don’t really know much about him. I understand that there aren’t that many chapters, but since the main character likes him we should get to know more about Baekhyun as a person. 

                5/5: Presentation
                I loved how you introduced Baekhyun as a . From the stories that I;ve read with him as a character he was the sweet one, but seeing this side of him is interesting. 

                6/10: Diversity
                It seems that Baekhyun and the main character has the same personality. I think you should distinguish them a bit more because guys and girls act differently. I didn’t really see diversity within the characters, with the exception of Sehun.

                10/10: Purpose
                There was a purpose for all the characters. The main character, Baekhyun and Sehun, all played a part with in the story line. 

 

Writing Style: 16/20

                6/10: Spelling/Grammar
                There was a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. I had to read some parts of the story twice in order to completely understand what you were saying.

                5/5: Consistency and 3/5: Flow
                Again, there were a couple parts in the story that were bumpy and transitioned quickly. It jumps around a lot and it confused me for the most part.

 

TOTAL: 78/100

I enjoyed the story; however, the story too quickly and i felt that you could put more details with into it. The grammar really did messed me up a lot when I was reading your story so I think you should go back through the story and look for grammar mistakes. Overall the story was really fun to read. 

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SouthWest
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yummyvanillacream
#1
Chapter 57: WOW I'M THRILLED. Didn't expect the review to be this good (or maybe I did). Ahaha.
First of all, BIG BIG thanks to you SouthWest! I can clearly see how you really read through each important detail in my story and I feel very appreciated. Thank you for all the time you took to review, it means a lot to me! I had a bad experience when I paid kps for a review yet they did it so poorly as if they just skimmed the story rather than read it. But this shop actually gave free service for such a great review! Months of waiting for this review is totally worth it.
Okay, and I actually sort of predicted the downside you mentioned here since I've worried about it a lot: the slow progress of the story. It didn't occure to me when I first wrote it, but it did when I almost finished it and read it back. So thank you so much for telling me about it. Now I can be sure that it is a problem I should fix. And about the question on why he was even in SM when he wanted to be with Ana so much, the explanation of all that is actually on the next chapter. It's still on the process of beta-reading for now so I'll post it once the editing is finished. I hope you'll read it when you have time ^^
I like it how you noticed that I focused more on emotions rather than visuals. Actually, describing visuals has been my weakness. I find describing the feelings is rather easier than visuals; or perhaps I guess I'm just so obsessed with pain and heartbreak /slapped. But I will try to keep improving on that!
This is the part that I'm thrilled about: how you said I'm really good at getting into a character’s head. I've been thinking that this is my talent /slapped again-- ahaha but not so many people told me this, and I'm always happy whenever someone mentions it. (Will continue on the reply)
yummyvanillacream
#2
Hello, I'm sorry, not that I'm rushing or anything-- but how is the progress of my request? I have seen that the person doing my review doesn't have their name on the foreword anymore, and I'm wondering why. May I know what happened?
KangminBread
#3

After thinking much i still believe that Clovers is the best title because of Youngwoon’s struggle and the end revelation that there are two 4-leaf-clovers. What other titles would you think would fit? i really can’t think of anything. I will pay more attention to the chronological set, thanks for pointing it out, describing places is not my forte.
if you would like to make better comparison you can watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01xbvbbSyvc it shows the main story of the manga and pretty much explains the background i tried to incorporate, basically Suu (the four leaf clover) makes a deal with a wizard, kazuhiko (the one with a leaf in his hand) would take her out of her cave and bring her to an amusement park, once there Suu would kill herself, the other wizards didn’t know of this bargain and tried to capture her back so they used the power of the other imprisoned clovers (the serpent, the birds and the fairy statue), in the end she saves kazuhiko but kills herself. I really don’t like this end lol so I wrote what i wanted suu to do for the other clovers and the biological power is my invention XD the bomb is from the clover manga, suu kills herself by allowing the wizard to implant a bomb in her and then exploding it when she was alone at the amusement park
I will take your advices in the development and when i have time i will work on exploring more of Sungmin’s feelings thanks for pointing that out too
should i add the video i liked you in the description to help those that had never read the manga?
wolfie-88
#4
Chapter 49: hi there TT ok i am really sorry that i am so late for this...i haven't been around in aff for a while now...busy with life TT i just read your review...well to be honest it was kind of harsh lol but i am ok with it...i didn't have any high expectations for my story too. it was my first time writing that long in eng and i tried my best...but well yeah i agree it was not good at all...that's why i have stopped writing in eng for a while now :/ i went back to writing in my native language ...but i guess some of the stuff you mentioned are not language related so i will try to work on them...once more i am really sorry for being late, i didn't mean to be rude :* tnx for the hard work dear
That-One-Writer
#5
Chapter 47: Thank you so much for the review, SouthWest!!
I'm sorry for such a late pick-up, I've been on hiatus during the end of year, and I just now came back! Now to my comment!

You’re right about the title! I didn't add the element of fate anywhere in the story, and I'm feeling really silly because of that now XD I usually have trouble with titles, and I didn't think too much when coming up this one XD (maybe I'll try to add a mention of fate here and there with the old lady, to tie-in with the title!)
About the fieldtrip, I actually wanted to describe Jeju a bit more (especially the volcanic caves part, which I'm super interested in!), but because of the word count restrain, I feel that a lot of things got left out. After reading your review, I found myself wanting to edit it and just forget about the word count XD
About the scene in the convenience store (in chapter two, with Maeri panicking because Mingyu disappeared), I think the problem is my description XD. She's panicking because she felt abandoned and like she didn't have control over the situation. He disappeared and she didn't even notice, because she was too wrapped up in herself and such. She was feeling bad about herself, and being judgmental with her own personality, which only fueled those anxieties she had. I think I should definitely edit that scene and try to make that come through a little more (and maybe remove the word 'panic', since it's such a strong word, and try other adjectives).
I'm so happy you gave me a perfect score for characterization!! That's what I focus most on my stories, and it's nice to see my efforts paid off! (Though Mingyu seems to need some editing! He needs to be more consistent. I think I was focusing too much on developing Maeri, and I sort of forgot about his motivations. I definitely have to review those moments you mentioned! Thanks for bringing it to my attention!)
(Rest of the comment in the reply section because I write too much XD)
snow7ys
#6
Chapter 4: Hye,
I would like you to review my story
Loving you was my favourite mistake..
Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1199607/loving-you-was-my-favorite-mistake-jungyonghwa-parkshinhye-yongshin-yongshincouple-yongshinlove

I'll appericate your honest reviews....It would help me to write better stories in future...
Take your time...
Blessed 2017...