Snow White and her Seven Deadly Sins
written by TheSociableIntrovert
reviewed by SouthWest

This review covers Chapter 1: Part 1: Proem through Chapter 13: Ten II

Title: 7/10
I love this title.  It introduces the genre and the feel of this story right away.  But it doesn’t quite fit this story yet.  As of 12 chapters in, the main character has been referenced to a dark Snow White several times and there has been other references to Snow White (the apple, the scene with the mirror), but I don’t see how the “Seven Deadly Sins” part plays into it yet.  I assume this is an aspect that will come into play as the story progresses, but as of right now, it doesn’t fit.

Also, “her” in the title should be capitalized.  It’s only three letters, but it’s a pronoun and that needs to be capitalized.

Plot: 24/25

                9/10: Setting
                You’ve excelled here. I love that you’ve clearly labeled your setting.  They’re in the Philippines at Bahay ni Santa Elena church/ orphanage.  You name the location, those details not only bring the story to life for the reader, but your scenes have more substance as well, playing off that setting.  I also want to mention that you’ve chosen a great setting for this story.  It’s a great use of setting to add conflict.  Dara’s dark background and everything she is contradicts her being in this holy place.  That’s not only irony, but it automatically sets Dara apart from everyone and everything and makes her an outsider from the very beginning.  In terms of describing the setting, you also do a wonderful job.  Your use of descriptive words and metaphors really brings the story to life and you get even better at it as the story goes on.

The only problem I had with setting has to do with the timeline.  Chapter 1, you start in 2014, but the story really starts with a flashback to 2011.  Then in Chapter 4, we go back to 2014 for a scene when she’s talking to her doctor/therapist.  In Chapter 7, we go back to 2014 and her doctor/therapist asks Dara about her rules, then there’s a really short moment later that continues this.  In Chapter 8, there’s a moment when I’m not sure when she is, then there’s a couple moment later on that I’m not sure if it’s her in 2014 reflecting on the memory or if it’s 2011 Dara’s thoughts.  There’s a couple more of these moments in Chapter Ten I and Ten II.  Because of all the inconsistent switching, I’m not sure how 2014 relates to 2011.  Is Dara reliving everything that happened in her past through her journal?  Is she telling her doctor/therapist everything that happened?  Unless there’s a connection like that, I don’t see how the 2014 scenes are progressing the story.  As you move on with the story, try to find a way to clarify if we’re seeing 2011 Dara or 2014 Dara.

                5/5: Originality
                Definitely original.  You’re not afraid to take the story to uncomfortable places.  But you do so very well.

                10/10: Believability
                I normally have a lot to talk about in this section, but I  don’t with this story.  You’ve clearly set the story in the Philippines and you take the time to explain aspects of the culture that not all your readers will be familiar with.  I love that.  As a reader I can trust you not to leave me confused.  And because I can trust you with that, I can trust you with other aspects of the story that don’t seem completely believable.  You make them believable within the context of the story.

Characterization: 34/35

                4/5: Presentation
                The only problem I had with presentation is that you take too long to present the character.  With Dara, it felt like forever until we got her name.  And then you start calling her by her nickname without explaining where that came from.  And then with Chanyeol, you introduce his character at the end of one chapter, but you’re incredibly vague.  We don’t even know it’s a boy until the next chapter.

I thought you did a good job, though, of carrying through the presentation of the characters.  When the story is posted in chapters, it’s easy for readers to forget about characters that were introduced chapters before.  But you do a good job at reminding us who they are when they show up again.  Reminding us that Queenie is the Sister that’s always looked out for Dara, and at the end, reminding us that Jose is the janitor.

                10/10: Development
                I didn’t really have any problem with characterization in this story, so it’s taken me a while to figure out what to write here.

I love how we see a creepy side of Dara in the beginning, but when Chanyeol arrives and we get to see her through Chanyeol’s eyes, we see a different side to her.  That added some really nice layers to her character.  You’ve done a great job at making Dara such a real character.  And it’s done in a way so natural that I’m not sure I can explain why she feels real.  Maybe it has something to do with her emotions.  Her daily strangle to be anything but herself.  Her hesitancy to allow herself to hope for the future despite the fact that she knows she wants what Chanyeol is offering her.  One thing you never explain though is how Dara is Korean but is in an orphanage in the Philippines.  I feel like that would be important to her character.

Dara does grow over the course of the story and I love how everything that happens to her not only affects her in the moment, but influences all the choices she makes in the future.  That’s a sure sign of growth and development in her character.  However, there’s still a long way to go for her to become the Dara that we’ve seen in the 2014 scenes.

                20/20: Diversity/Purpose
                Everyone has a purpose.  Everyone is different.

Writing Style: 25/30

                10/10: Narration
                I love your writing style.  I know I’ve said it before, but your use of metaphors and imagery really makes the creepy scenes in this story pop!  And that’s really what made the story for me.

                7/10: Consistency/Flow
                I love it when foreign words are italicized in stories, it’s so much neater and really adds clarity for the reader.  But be sure to be consistent with it.  Everything in the first chapter is italicized correctly, but then it’s not in the second chapter.  Then in chapters Ten I and Ten II, you don’t italicize anything.  It doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong to italicize, as long as you’re consistent with it, that’s what matters.  Also, remember that, when you’re posting the story chapter by chapter, it’s been a while since you’ve posted the chapter that explained the translation.  Don’t expect the reader to go back and look for it again.  Don’t be afraid to throw the translation into the story again, or list it in the beginning to remind the readers what it means.

One specific part I want to talk about, in Chapter Ten, when Chanyeol is talking with Dara in the chapel about her going away.  He starts speaking partially in Korean, but you never label it as Korean.  Don’t be afraid to clarify that.  He’s so caught up in his emotions that he’s mixing languages.  And be sure to incorporate the translations into the story when you do that.  I speak Korean, so I know and understand all the Korean you use, but not all your readers do.

And speaking of foreign words, some of Dara’s nicknames confused me.  Particularly Puti.  I thought it was an insult of sorts in the beginning, but then in the next chapter Sister Queenie uses it and by the end, Chanyeol is using it too.  Then there’s Iha.  I don’t think you ever gave a translation for that.  But I liked that Sister Queenie was the only one to use it.  Everyone seems to call and refer to her by multiple things.  Chanyeol calls her Puti and Noona, No one ever really calls her by her real name.  Did you do that on purpose?  Sister Queenie calls her Dara once at the end of Chapter 1.  In Chapter 7, there’s two instants when her doctor/therapist calls her Dara.  In Chapter Nine I, the ghost girl in her dream calls her Sandara.  In 12 chapters, those are the only times someone calls her by her real name.

Also, let’s talk about Dara versus Sandara.  Throughout the story, you mostly refer to her as Dara.  But every once in a while, you throw in a Sandara.  You started out calling her Sandara in the beginning and then switched to Dara without explaining the nickname.  Obviously, everyone who is familiar with 2NE1, knows that Dara is Sandara.  But in your story, in your universe, how did she get the nickname Dara?  Why is the ghost the only one that calls her Sandara?  But after introducing the nickname, I suggest staying with one name to refer to her as in your narration.  If you have a specific reason for referring to her as Sandara when you do, that’s fine, but right now it feels really random and that messes with the flow of the story.

But other than that stuff, the overall story flowed really well.

                8/10: Spelling/Grammar
                In chapters Nine I through Ten II, there’s some issues with spacing.  Every once in a while there’s a space missing, between 2 words, before or after quotations, after a period.  I’m not sure what’s causing this, if it’s typos, copying errors, or what, but it needs to be fixed.  Then there’s a number of places where there’s an extra space between two words when it only needs to be one.

There was also the occasional problem with grammar.  Unfortunately, given the length of the story, I can’t point out all of them for you.  But there is one reoccurring problem I want to mention:

Example from Chapter Nine I: I’ve used to like it.
Should be: I used to like it.

TOTAL: 90/100

This is such an interesting story you've created.  But I feel like you've only scratched the surface.  This is only the beginning of Dara's story and I'm definitely anticipating what's going to happen to her next.  As you've warned in the Forewords, this isn't your typical story.  That is what makes it so intriguing.  And even though Dara isn't your typical heroine, she's still a character that readers care for and worry about.  She's been through some really bad stuff, and seeing where she is in 2014, I don't foresee anything getting much better for her.  But that's what makes her a strong and admirable character.  Everything bad that happens to her, she pushes through and tries to find a way to survive.  Then comes Chanyeol and she realizes she doesn't just want to survive, she wants more.  But she's scared to reach out and take it.  That is something that all your readers can relate to and I think that's what makes this story so great. 

I also want to say how much I loved the end of Chapter Ten II.  When Dara and Chanyeol are found in the chapel and they run away.  That whole scene, until the end, was so awesome.  Such good tension.  I was on the edge of my sit wondering if they were going to make it out, if they were going to make it to safety.  And of course you had to end it there with a cliff hanger.  I’m really looking forward to finding out what happens.  I feel like you still have so much more to say in this story.  I look forward to reading it!

As you continue writing this story, keep what I've said in this review in mind.  But for the most part, just keep doing what you're doing.  You're doing great!  If you have any questions about this review, please don't be afraid to reach out to me.  I'm also here if you need someone to talk to about where the story is going. I would love to talk to you more about this story!

SouthWest