Fate's String
written by That-One-Writer
reviewed by SouthWest

Title: 9/10
So, I’m not really sure what Fate had to do with it.  You don’t mention Fate at all at the end when you’re wrapping up the story.  The old woman doesn’t mention Fate at all at the shop.  I think this story refers to the belief that soul mates are tied together by an invisible red string, but this story didn’t seem so much about soul mates finding each other.  It seemed more centered on Maeri overcoming her anxieties and learning to trust people again.  But it helps that the old woman didn’t mention soul mates.  She makes reference to the “potential for a good relationship” and says that they’ll “leave feeling changed people!”  I’d feel more comfortable about this title if the old woman had labeled it Fate’s String in the story.  As opposed to just calling it a string.

Plot: 22/25

                10/10: Setting
                Being on a school field trip added a lot of good conflict to their predicament.  You did well with always clarifying where they were.  But they really could have been anywhere in Korea.  There wasn’t anything in the story that said Jeju to me.  Except that they had to take a plane to get there.  One consideration for improvement is really bringing Jeju to life in the story.  Explain more about where the schedule is taking them.

                4/5: Originality
                This definitely had cliché elements to it.  Especially your description, defining Mingyu and Maeri the way you did was totally cliché and doesn’t make them stand out at all.  But once you’re in the story, you take the time to explore and explain why they are the way they are.  I loved that.  I also loved that, while there was romance here, the core of the story was about Maeri learning to open up about people as opposed to two people with opposite personalities falling in love.  That made the story less cliché and much more relatable.

                8/10: Believability
                And that relatability went a long way to making it believable as well.  Even with the fantasy/magic aspects, you did a great job with making it believable within the realm of the story.  I particularly loved the fact that they could see the string, but no one else could.

There were some moments, though, when I didn’t understand a character’s emotion or an interaction between Maeri and Mingyu.

In Chapter 2 when Maeri loses Mingyu in the store, I don’t understand the panic Maeri feels.  You try to explain it but…  I understand the disappointment, maybe.  Only after realizing he’s gone did she realize she liked having him there.  But panic?  Fear?  That seems like a really strong reaction from someone who’s used to being alone.  From someone that managed to shut everyone else out on a crowded bus.  Is she afraid because he's not there to protect her anymore?  I thought it was weird that after he saves her from those guys, you never mention it again.  Maeri never thinks of it again.

In Chapter 3, I don’t really understand why they are freaking out about being tied together.  Why is this such a bad situation?  I can understand Maeri wanting it off, she’s used to being alone.  But I thought Mingyu wanted to spend time with her.  Wouldn’t this situation work to his advantage?  Shouldn’t he be using this as an excuse to get to know her better and spend more time with her?  To hold her hand?  Tell us more specifically about what it is they’re worried about.

At the end of Chapter 3 is a really good moment.  We get to see exactly what it is that she’s afraid of.  I love this.

Chapter 4 when they eat together, they don’t talk at all?  Doesn’t Mingyu even try to talk to her?  Get to know her?  Comment on which food she eats more of and which food she doesn’t touch?  When he saved her at the end of Chapter 1 and then asked where she wanted to go, that gives the impression that he WANTS to spend time with her (especially because it was hinted at earlier before they got on the buses that he likes her).  So, I’m a little confused why he isn’t taking better advantage of this situation.

In Chapter 2, Mingyu was able to guess that she had someplace in mind she wanted to go.  But in Chapter 5, he’s not able to guess that there’s an emotion that she’s repressing?

Characterization: 35/35

                5/5: Presentation
                I really loved how you started the first chapter with a wide view, talking about the bus and the students.  Then you zoomed in on the main character and got us into her head.  That was great.  I also loved how you set up that beginning scene.  It was a great scene to introduce us to both our main characters and set up the setting for the rest of the story.

                10/10: Development
                Great development with Maeri.  Like I mentioned earlier, you started with a very cliché character, the quiet girl with no friends.  But over the course of the story, you took the time to explore her as a character and dig into why she is the way she is.  Then, with Mingyu, she learns how to open up to people.  That was some powerful growth for her character and makes for a nice “lesson” for the reader to take away from the story.

                20/20: Diversity/Purpose
                I really liked that you kept the story to just between Mingyu and Maeri.  There were no unneeded character and the supporting characters all had a purpose in the story.

Writing Style: 29/30

                10/10: Narration
                I loved your writing.  Especially the way you set up your scenes.  Overall, the story was short and concise, but extremely meaningful.  You had a limited word count and I think that really helped to make sure that everything that happens in the story really needs to happen.  But even with the limit, you were able to tell a full story, complete with full character growth.  It’s also a beautiful lesson.  No one should be afraid to convey what they’re feeling.

                10/10: Consistency/Flow
                All great.

                9/10: Spelling/Grammar
                There were a few problems here, seemed more like typos that were just overlooked.  Some examples: ‘Them’ when it should be ‘they’ in Chapter 2.  ‘Friend’ when it should be ‘friends’ in chapter 5.  There’s also a couple things I don’t see the need to mark you off for, but I wanted you to be aware of.

There’s an issue with dialogue format that I want to mention here.  You’re very consistent with how you format it, so it’s okay if you decide to leave it, it’s easy enough to follow, which is all that matters.  But it’s not technically correct.  It should be, “Okay,” Mingyu simply responded…  Same paragraph and a comma instead of a period after okay.  You only start a new paragraph when it’s someone different talking.  So, when I read it the way you have it written, I think that someone else said okay and Mingyu simply responded to that okay and picked up the umbrella.  I hope that makes sense.  Here’s a website for more information on it: http://firstmanuscript.com/format-dialogue/

Also, just a suggestion: Change the description from past tense to present tense.  Even if the story itself is in past tense, the description (like the back cover of a book) sounds better in present tense.  It sounds kind of awkward in past tense.

TOTAL: 95/100

I really enjoyed this story!  I thought you did such a great job with it.  I also want to mention that I thought it was super interesting that they have a bit of an outing together before they end up with the string.  It would have been quite different if they had randomly met that the store and found themselves with the string.  But having made that connection already, sets different tone.  I found that really original and interesting.

If you have any questions about this review or if I didn’t address something you want feedback on, please don’t be afraid to ask!  I'd be happy to discuss it with you.

SouthWest