at the beggining of my career, i always have people who hated me and post hateful comments on the internet, anti fan cafe, i have it too.
But now, i'm matured, i'm fine with that and try to not hurt by that comments.
comments about my poor acting, jealous fan girls from my co workers, i can handle them well.
But right now, EXO's Sehun is my boyfriend, he's like the center of hallyu for now. and having a relationship with him is like tricking too much people, cheat too much people and hurt them also.
I don't have any confidence, i feel like there's too much burden on my shoulder.
I really want to end this, but what can i do, he feels so much closer, he feels so much safer.

" i believe you, i just don't believe my self." I talk to him when we decide to try working it out.
" you don't need to do anything." He talk to me again with deep voice.
" ah come on.." I'm getting annoyed because he keep saying to believe him again and again.
" you're our nation's first love, not for me though but you just need to stay and let Oppa handle it." he talk to me while laughing.
" yeah, right.." I put a spoon of ice cream to my mouth. yes, this is winter and cold, but i just dont care.
" you're not curious about my first love?" He talk to me while looking to my eyes.
" no, there's no point for me knowing her, a man's first love is someone who we can't be defeated in every way." I talk to him while turn my face and looking into his eyes.
" true, she was more beautiful than you, cuter than you, more innocent than you, she was so brave and confident, she means everything to me." I'm really getting angry for this, so i just put the spoon into his mouth.
" Shut up." I'm talking to him while get up from my sit.
A while ago, he was just so sweet, so desperate for having me, begging me to trust him. But now he told me about her first love that i never knew.

" she attending the same school with us though." He talk again while eating my ice cream.
My mind is flying away to identify all girls from our school that close with Sehun. Luna? Se na? Daeun?
well, i'm not really a girl who jealous over something like this, i don't really care about women who work together with him in this industry, other idol, artist, model, i don't really care.
But first love? I think i feel intimidated.
I keep my cool while washing the dishes in the kitchen. I'm not respond any of his action.
" do you want to know her ?" I'm back to my sit beside him after done with the dishes.
" not really actually, but if you want to talk about her, that's fine." i act like i don't care and turning my head from him.
" she's debut as an idol too, several years ago." I turn my head so suddenly to him, idol?
" is she younger or older from you?"
" so now you care?" He talk to me while grin and rub my hair several times.
" her name is.. Bae Suzy." he talk to me while whispering and i just feel relieved and a little bit happy.
" so funny." I act like i'm mad to him and pushing away his body with my foot.
" yeah, really funny." he stop talking and start to watch the TV.
" just because, you read my diary before and know that you're my first love now you trolling me like this."
He just laughing and sometimes throw his gaze to me.
" Ya! you don't have any work? just leave if you're busy." I ask him to leave while giving him a sign to get out from my apartment.
" I'll go." he get up from his sit and kiss me in the head.
I just see his back, who walked away from my door.