Kyuhyun had fought with his inner turmoil for so long. It started before his relationship with Yuri had ended. It started before he knew that the subject of his turmoil had admitted that she liked him.

This feeling that lay deep within him, a feeling that he tried so hard to suppress.

At first it felt wrong, the fact that his heart had allowed her to resided within it. It felt wrong because he had Yuri. His heart should entirely belong to none other than Yuri, but this girl had easily made her way into his heart and he couldn’t push her out.

There was this unexplainable reason that he felt attached to her. Amber had become a part of him.

Kyuhyun inner turmoil only rose when Jonghyun announced that he and Amber had started to date. Kyuhyun wanted to stop it, the relationship, but he had Yuri. It was also him that pushed her toward Jonghyun, because he knew that the man was interested in her. It was him that arranged the movie date for them. It was his attempt at trying to get rid of Amber from his heart. The plan – obviously – did not work.

So, Kyuhyun settled for being her friend, because he wanted to keep her close to him. He was being selfish. He knew that she had feeling for him before she started to date Jonghyun. He felt chemistry between him and Amber. He knew that she still had lingering feeling toward him and he – guiltily – used it to his advantage.

Deep down, when he and Yuri ended their relationship, he selfishly hoped that Amber would leave Jonghyun and came to him. That never happened.

Kyuhyun stood to the side and watched them, Amber and Jonghyun. There were times when the two felt awkward to him. The way they acted toward each other. There were times when Kyuhyun felt that Amber felt uncomfortable around Jonghyun and there were times that Jonghyun was being overbearing.

However, there were times when Amber would smiled so brightly for Jonghyun that it made Kyuhyun felt that he had no place to try and break Amber away from Jonghyun. Those times were when Jonghyun would play his guitar and sang to her. It was like the two of them was in their own romantic world and Kyuhyun had to try with his might not to break anything.

Seohyun would always remind him that it was his lost. Seohyun tried at the beginning to get him to admit to his feeling, but he was a coward and he just couldn’t say those words to Amber, I love you. Three words, but it was the hardest words to utter.

Kyuhyun took on the role of a confidant to Amber. She told him things that she did not dared tell anyone, not even her precious boyfriend, Lee Jonghyun. He told her that they were a soul mate like best friends.

Almost a year pasted and Amber was still with Jonghyun.  Kyuhyun remained a selfish coward, secretly remaining her confidant, a role that should technically belong to her boyfriend, but Kyuhyun was not going to tell Amber that anytime soon.  

He wasn’t surprised when Amber showed up at his door crying. If she was upset who would she run to, but him? He was happy. Not because she was crying, but because she needed him.

He took her in his arms and she cried herself to sleep, cradled in his embrace, on his bed. When he woke up the next morning she was gone. No explanation as to why she showed up at his apartment crying her eyes out just vanished. He tried multiple times to contact her, but she would not answer his calls.

He was so desperate to talk to Amber that he called Seohyun and found out that Amber had been busy practicing and she spend most of her time at the gym.

Kyuhyun tracked Amber to the gym. He stood waiting for her, but as soon as the practice was done she was gone. One minute she was standing right there next to her teammates and the next she was gone. His heart was so wrenched with pain and the question of why would she avoid him?

Kyuhyun knew nothing of what was going on between Amber and Jonghyun. He was kept out of the looped, even Seohyun and Ryeowook kept their lips sealed. So when Jonghyun was having his going away mini-concert and the club he came to cheer on his friend and also hoped to seeing Amber, because what girl wouldn’t come to her boyfriend’s mini-concert.

Kyuhyun’s mood turned dark when he realized that Amber was not going to be there. All Seohyun told him was that her practice was running late and that she wouldn’t be able to make it.

Kyuhyun came to a conclusion that Amber was avoiding him, but for what reason he did not know.

He was so wrapped up in his own selfishness that he didn’t see the larger picture. He didn’t see how Jonghyun looked at him that night. He didn’t realize that the man barely spoke to him all night.

Maybe all this pain could have been prevented if Kyuhyun accepted Amber’s feeling toward him since the beginning, because deep down he knew that his relationship with Yuri was doomed, but he just couldn’t bring himself to let her go. He would’ve married her if she had said yes and selfishly he would almost certainly want Amber by his side too.

He was a selfish coward, despicable, and he wondered why Amber could ever like a man like him in the first place. What did she see in him that he couldn’t?