^{a/n: This is another angst-ish not so fluffy extra (?)}

^{Seriously tho, idk why i have so may angst idea these days, i have one that angst-er (is that even a word?) than this}

^{Problem is, me is no angst person OTL idek whether if i wrote it right}

It was totally accidental, because Junmyeon would never do something that would make Minseok feel uncomfortable or anything that could possibly hurt him. So, it was on Friday night, and just like any other Friday nights, Minseok would have a sleep over at Junmyeon’s place, and usually, they would have some midnight snack before sleep. They were waiting for their steamed dumplings to be ready, and Minseok was in the mood to be cute as always, so he sat himself on the kitchen counter and pulled Junmyeon closer to share these cute little kisses. Junmyeon was about to move his hand up to Minseok’s back when his hand accidentally caught in Minseok’s shirt instead and lifted the fabric up a little and exposed a little bit of Minseok’s skin.

Sure, Minseok could feel uncomfortable or shocked, but the next thing Junmyeon knew was Minseok pushed him away so hard that he involuntarily took a few step back as the result. However, Junmyeon didn’t have the time to feel the pain on his chest when he looked at Minseok’s expression. It was not just shock or uncomfortable on Minseok’s face, it was straight up fear and panic written all over his face. “Minseok?” Junmyeon called out, he was contemplating whether to get closer to his scared boyfriend or no.

Minseok snapped his head up to see Junmyeon’s face as if he was hit by a sudden realization. He jumped off of the counter and flung himself towards Junmyeon, hugging him by his chest. “I’m sorry! Junmyeon, I’m so sorry!” He chanted over and over again.

Confused was such an understatement towards the state of Junmyeon’s mind at that point. He didn’t know why Minseok was behaving like that. The thing that woke him up from his confusion was when he realize that Minseok’s breath came in a fast and short pace, he then tried to peel Minseok from the hug so that he could see his face, but failed. “Minseok! You’re not breathing!” He almost shouted and used all of his strength to push Minseok away. “Breath!” He told Minseok as he grabbed his upper arms, “Breath, Minseok!” He said again and finally Minseok exhaled the air he was holding and started to breathe somehow normally after a while.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Junmyeon…” Minseok pleaded, and back to burry himself in Junmyeon’s embrace. “I’m sorry… Please don’t hate me…” He pleaded  in whispers.

“What’s wrong Minseok? I don’t understand, why are you being like this?” Junmyeon felt helpless, he really didn’t understand why Minseok reacted that way.

Minseok didn’t answer to Junmyeon’s question, and just kept saying the same thing. “I’m sorry Junmyeon… Please, I’m sorry…”

“What’s wrong Minseok? Please don’t do this to me.” Junmyeon said and hug his boyfriend tighter. Not again. He continued in his head.

==========

Junmyeon stay awake long after Minseok fell asleep.  Minseok was still afraid of the dark, so he had his sleep lamp on whenever Minseok staying there and with the help of the sleep lamp, he could see Minseok’s chest rise and fall in a steady pace, and somehow, it made him feel calm. It was one of his favorite time of the week, when he could just stare at his boyfriend peacefully sleeping beside him, knowing that he was safe and nothing could hurt him, well, except nightmares. Minseok still have nightmares on some nights, some are worse than the other, if it was really bad, sometimes, they would need to get up from the bed just to calm him down with a glass of water and it would take hours before Minseok finally went back to sleep again.

In silence, Junmyeon couldn’t help but to think about the incident earlier, he was still curious, because Minseok literally have no reason to react to that extent. Well, Minseok obviously has a reason, but there’s nothing in his mind, that would be a good enough reason to that. Sure, he was fully aware that Minseok wasn’t ready for further step, but something similar to that happened before, it was when they just woke up from a nap and started to share simple kisses that grew deeper to the point that both of them knew that they were  going somewhere. At that time, Minseok just pushed him lightly, and just with a single look to his face he knew that Minseok wasn’t ready for that, he could see that Minseok felt bad, but it was nothing like what happened earlier that day. It would be a lie if he said he never thought about doing it with Minseok, but what good would it brings if he force him to it? He would never do that to Minseok. He understood, with all of the trauma Minseok had, it would take a bit longer for them to progress, the boy was being sold to ion by his own parents against his will barely three years earlier, and he was almost got—Lord! He hated to think about it.

It took several minutes for Junmyeon to figure out what was the difference between the two similar incidents. He figured out that probably the two incidents were not the same for Minseok. He realized that he never saw Minseok without a top on. It was not like he just wanted to see Minseok’s skin, but there were times when he felt it was necessary, like when Minseok was having a really high fever and he was sweating, Minseok didn’t want his help to change his damp clothes. There was also this time when Minseok hit his elbow to the shower tap so hard when he was in the shower, to the point that he couldn’t move his arms so much for a while, he also didn’t want his help to get dressed at that time. Minseok also didn’t go to swimming pool, and he would rather wear a wet shirt after soccer than taking off his shirt in front of people.

Could that be? Junmyeon talked to himself in his head. Could it be because Minseok thought he was going under his shirt that he was reacting that way? However, his thought was interrupted when he saw Minseok started to clutch on his blanket and creased his forehead. It was one of those nights, apparently. He grabbed Minseok’s hand and straighten his fingers before scooted himself closer to his boyfriend. “Shhh... It’s alright… I’m here…” He whispered on Minseok’s ear and patted his chest softly. After a few minutes, Minseok finally calmed down and Junmyeon pulled him closer to kiss his cheek, “My baby…” He whispered again, and finally let Minseok’s steady breath lulled him to sleep.

==========

It was another weekend when Junmyeon finally got his answer. He just finished making dinner, and was about to call Minseok to eat when he realized that Minseok wasn’t nearby before he remember that Minseok told him that he wanted to take a shower before dinner. So, without much thought, he decided to just go to Minseok’s bedroom, because he didn’t like to scream or yell at Minseok even if it was just to call him. However, he didn’t knock first before pushing the bedroom door open, “Babe—” He called out softly and stopped right away.

Minseok was in the middle of dressing himself after shower and was a little bit too late to pull down his shirt when Junmyeon opened the door, welcoming his boyfriend with the sight of his before he hurriedly pull down his shirt and turned around on his heels to face his boyfriend.

Junmyeon froze for a second, he saw it, he saw something that Minseok had been trying to hide from him for months. He saw two big scars on Minseok’s back, almost parallel to each other, they were purplish red, lining from just below Minseok’s right shoulder across his back all the way to his waist. The moment he saw them, Junmyeon could feel the shivers down his spine, there were so much things going on in his mind, and they made his brain froze. It was only for a split second though, but it felt a lot longer than that for both of them. Junmyeon tried to gain his composure and act as natural as possible, in a fail attempt to pretend that he wasn’t affected by the thing he just saw. “Dinner is ready,” He tried to speak casually, “Let’s eat now.”

The terrified look on Minseok’s face was so hard to ignore, the boy looked like he was caught in a murder scene with blood on his hand. “Did—did—you see it?” He stuttered, asking a question he already knew the answer to.

Junmyeon contemplating in his head, whether if to tell him the truth, or to just pretend that he didn’t see anything. But if he pretends that he didn’t see anything, they would go nowhere, there wouldn’t be any progress, and Minseok would just stuck in his insecurity again, and he didn’t want that, he wanted Minseok to feel comfortable around him in every way. The most important thing is that, he wanted Minseok to understand that he would love him no matter what, with scars or no. “I did.” He answered honestly, and stepped in to approach his shaking boyfriend, but didn’t make any attempt to touch him just yet.

“I—I don’t want you to see it,” Minseok squeezed his fingers and staring at the floor, he was shaking, if people who didn’t know them saw it, they would probably think that Junmyeon abused him or something. “It’s—It’s—disgusting…” The last word came in whisper. And when he finally lifted his face from the floor, he looked at Junmyeon’s face with pleading eyes, “Please—please don’t hate me...”

There was no use talking to Minseok when he was at that state, Junmyeon learned about it a long time before, because Minseok wouldn’t listen, the voices in his head were louder than Junmyeon’s words. So instead, Junmyeon took careful steps towards Minseok and when he was close enough, he lifted his hand slowly to touch Minseok’s hand that was being squeezed on his stomach. When Minseok didn’t show any rejection, Junmyeon pulled him slowly and ended up enveloping him with his arms. Minseok was still shaking, so Junmyeon calmed him down by rubbing his back like usual.

Several minutes passed by before Minseok finally stopped shaking and relaxed entirely in Junmyeon’s arm. “They said those scars are disgusting,” He finally force himself to talk, and both of them knew, who were ‘they’ that he was referring to, “And—and they said that—that no one would love me if they see them.”

Junmyeon released the younger from the hug, just so he could see his eyes when he was talking to him, “Those scars do not define you,” He started, “I will still love you with or without those scars. And I believe your friends will too.” He could see in Minseok’s eyes, the slight disbelief in there. But how could he blame him?

Minseok was told that no one would love him and those scars were disgusting, and that was what he believed for his whole life, and that was also the reason why he tried to hide them from Junmyeon. Junmyeon could only wonder how miserable it was for Minseok, genuinely thinking that no one would ever love him, and when he finally find someone who love him that much, he felt the need to hide something about himself, in fear that Junmyeon would hate him for it. No one deserved to feel that way.

Junmyeon sighed and pulled Minseok to his chest again, it would be hard to make him believe in anything he was about to say. “Listen,” He tried anyway, “You are not disgusting, don’t even think about using that word on yourself. It’s okay if you don’t want me to see them for now, it’s okay if you still feel uncomfortable with it. I promised you since the beginning, I’m not going to force you into anything,” He paused, giving Minseok some time to let his words sink, “However,” he continued, “What is not okay is if you think that I will love you less just because of those scars. Everything—” Junmyeon started to feel a lump in his throat, his heart hurt for Minseok, “Everything that happened in your past, none of them were your fault, and you shouldn’t feel bad about anything.” There were so many things Junmyeon wanted to say, but in the end, there’s only one thing he managed to say, “I love you. Please don’t underestimate that... I love you this much already, and I know I can love you more than this.”

Minseok let some tears slipped from his eyes, unlike what he expected, he didn’t turn into a crying mess. He had always imagine what would Junmyeon think if he showed him those scars, and he imagined that Junmyeon would give him a dirty look and leave, leaving him crying and begging to keep loving him. When everything turned out unlike what he had imagined, he was relieved, he didn’t even have the energy to cry. Maybe he was indeed underestimating Junmyeon’s love for him.

==========

Again. Junmyeon stay awake long after Minseok fell asleep. Minseok was sleeping in his arms, head tucked comfortably under his chin. There were so many nights like that, when he stays awake, just watching Minseok sleep, and thinking about Minseok’s life before they met. Minseok had told him about a lot of things, and for the most part, what Minseok had told him was so disturbing, he couldn’t bring himself to pay attention to whatever Minseok said. He knew he shouldn’t feel that way and there were things that were just out of his hand, but he couldn’t help but to feel guilty. Because no matter how hard he tried, he could never be able to fully understand what Minseok’s life was like, let alone to understand how it feels like to live a life like that. He felt guilty for not being there when Minseok needed someone to help him, and he felt guilty for not finding him soon enough.

Junmyeon was rubbing Minseok’s back softly like what he always did, but it was a little different that night. He couldn’t help but to be aware of what was under his palm, separated by the fabric of Minseok’s pajama shirt. He had seen some of the scars on Minseoks arms and legs, which, the younger would cover by pulling the sleeves of his shirt or cover them with his hand when he caught Junmyeon staring. Minseok had been working since he was very little, so he couldn’t remember where most of those scars came from, all he could remember was they were either from working or punishment. With the technology these days, Junmyeon was sure he could just pay for a surgery to get rid of the scars, but he also knew that the scars Minseok had was not just skin deep. And mostly, he didn’t want Minseok to think that he wasn’t good enough for him.

“They accidentally hit me with the head of the belt. I don’t really remember why, maybe because I didn’t bring enough money. All I can remember was I got hit, at some point, the reason didn’t really matter anymore.” Minseok explained with disturbingly calm voice while playing with the button of Junmyeon’s shirt.”I was… thirteen, I think, that time. They told people that I fell in the kitchen.”

Junmyeon kept replying their conversation earlier in his head. Thirteen, Minseok was thirteen when that happened. Minseok had a small frame even then, and five years earlier, Minseok was even smaller, he was just a kid, well, he was still a kid. Junmyeon could only imagine the pain, the wound must be so bad to cause scars like that. It made him angry, the thought of people treating the only person he loved so much like that, the person that he tried so hard to protect, and some people treated that person inhumanly, his blood boiled in his head. Why? He could never understand why they did something like that to their own child. Even animals would never do something like that to their child. And the fact that those people was still free out there, while Minseok would be forever traumatize by the memories he had, it made Junmyeon wanted to find them and make them pay for everything they did to Minseok himself.

Unconsciously, Junmyeon pulled Minseok even closer to his chest and buried his nose in Minseok’s hair, letting the tears he was holding streamed down his cheek freely, knowing that Minseok couldn’t see it. That was how he spent some of his night, crying silently, just thinking about all the pain Minseok had been trough and endured for as long as he could remember.

Minseok stirred a little and wriggled his body to make Junmyeon reluctantly loosened his hold. He didn’t see it when Junmyeon wiped his tears away as soon as the older realized that he was awake. “Why are you not sleeping?”  He asked with a husky voice.

“I’m about to…” Junmyeon whispered and forcing a smile, but Minseok knew better.

Minseok’s hand was small, and it was cold when his short fingers touching Junmyeon’s damp cheek, “Are you crying because of me again?” He really felt bad.

Junmyeon shook his head lightly and ducked his face to kiss Minseok’s forehead. Before he met Minseok, he never knew that he could love someone that much. “It’s not because of you, Minseok.” He explained. He really didn’t cry because of Minseok, he cried for him.

“You don’t have to…” Minseok whispered, he understood. “I’m fine now…”

“That’s not it.” Junmyeon was not sure what kind of expression he should be wearing, so he just displayed a smile.

Minseok sighed before pushing himself up. He cupped Junmyeon’s face and move forward to kiss Junmyeons lids and the space between his eyebrows. “I know you probably don’t want to hear me saying this, but—If – In my next life, if I have to go trough all of that again in order to have you like this, I will…” It might sound silly to a lot of people, but Minseok didn’t know any better. To him, Junmyeon was the best thing he ever had.

Junmyeon rested his forehead against Minseok’s, “Don’t…” he cried, “Please don’t… I’ll find you, you don’t have to go trough all of that again.” The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Minseok’s face, so close to his, Minseok was also crying like himself, but smiling too at the same time. Damn! He cursed inside his head, something he never did out loud, but Minseok just looked so beautiful, it hurts.

That was how they spent their nights, in each other’s arms (well, even though they ended up woke up to the different end of the bed anyway, because, it was not a TV drama where they would fall asleep in each other’s arm and wake up like that too), trying not to think about anything other than being grateful that they have each other. Jinki was right, it would take a long time for Minseok to fully heal, that if he will ever fully healed anyway. This will be a long journey, with little progress at a time, but it’s alright, they were in that journey together, none of them want it any other way. 

_{a/n: well! idk what to write here....  sorry for the mistakes if exist >_<}

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