“W…what?” you stammer, brokenhearted.

“Don’t look at me like that, you’re the one who said it in the first place,” Kai glares as he walks out of the room. You collapse on the floor crying, and feel more hopeless than you ever had your whole life. Some monster is trapped in the body of the man you love, and you can’t bear it. When your sobs die down a little, you hear grunts of pain coming from you and Kai’s bedroom. You stand near the door, and hear Kai making sounds of such intense pain, you wish it were you feeling them instead. He’s also crying, you can tell. It takes a lot to make Kai cry, and you just want him to go back to himself. He needs that heart transplant, fast. You’re really worried and you gently knock on the door.

“Jongin..Please…” you don’t really know what to say.

“Please, go.”

You freeze. Is Kim Jongin kicking you out of your own house?

“What?”

‘Just leave. Leave me, leave the house. I can’t…” he groans a sound of so much pain, your heart breaks again. “Just leave me alone,” he says through clenched teeth. The walk outside feels lifeless, and find yourself dragging your limp body towards Sehun’s house. Unsurprisingly, the rest of EXO is there, and one look at your face, and they know something is very, very wrong. They all look very uncomfortable and can’t think to do anything but give you a huge, squishy, group hug.

You feel a little better talking to and hanging out with your EXO friends, but you want your husband.

A little after midnight, the doorbell rings. Sehun gets up to get it.

“Hyung,” you hear him say and you can’t make out most of the word, but you do hear “please, it’s not a good idea.” About ten seconds later, the tall, handsome figure of Kai stands in the doorway with a sheepish looking Sehun next to him.

“__________, we need to talk,” Kai says in a tone slightly above a whisper.  EXO stares at you. Baekhyun looks really uncomfortable, Suho and D.O just look at the ground, and Chanyeol smiles a scared looking grin. You nod slowly, and you walk outside together onto Sehun’s balcony. You look up at the stars, as you and Kai lean against the railing. You love the stars right now. They remind you of when Kai proposed to you outside of that school dance. You sigh a little and the breeze ruffles Kai’s hair as he stands next to you.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he says slowly. “But I just can’t do anything anymore.” You just want to hold him close and comfort him, but you still are upset at the things he said to you. They were really harsh words.

“You just have to be patient, Jongin,” you say gently.

“You don’t understand,” he says pain in his eyes and voice.

“You’re right, I don’t. I don’t understand what happened to you,” you say.

“I temporarily died…” Kai said his voice rising a little. “I died and I came back for you and I feel like you think I’m a burden.”

“No…it’s hard, but the man I love and married is worth everything to me,” you say, getting emotional again.

“What do you mean ‘the man you love and married?’ Did you marry someone else, other than me when I wasn’t looking?” he said, voice rid of any emotion.

“Yeah…I think I did. The person I love more than anything isn’t here right now. You’re not my husband that I know. You’re some angry, bitter guy I don’t know inside of my husband’s body. I love him, and I know he’s still in there,” you say sadly, pointing at his chest. “Come back to me,” you whisper, his cheek and staring into his eyes.  For a moment, you see a flicker of light you know belongs to the man you really do love light up in his eyes. It quickly fades, however, as Kai sighs.

“It’s still me, ________. I’ll admit it. I’m in a lot of pain, and I’m so frustrated about not being able to do anything. I can’t dance, I can’t sing, I can’t even hang out with my friends or my wife, for that matter, without hurting. It makes me so mad. I care about nothing anymore. I… I AM nothing. I HAVE nothing, and I’m lost.” Kai stares into the night, motionless and dead-eyed.

“Jongin…Do you not love me? You don't care about me?” you say in a barely audible, trembling voice. “You have me, and I’ll always care about you, but if you really think you have nothing, then there’s nothing I can say or do to stop that.”

Kai stares at you for a few moments, with those dead eyes that you’ve seen so full of life before, it makes you sad beyond belief. You his face again.

“Please, Jongin-oppa. Come back to me.”

His eyes have a little more life in them, and he looks down at your tearful face, and then back up at the sky.

“If I leave, I can get a new heart sooner. I just didn’t want to leave you. But this isn’t really working too well, is it? I changed, you changed. Maybe it’s because of these circumstances, or maybe it’s not. Maybe if I go overseas and get a new heart, things can go back to normal, or maybe not. If I do go, though, I can’t promise anything. I can’t promise I’ll come back or I’ll even get better…Surgeries like these overseas are more risky, but I’m running out of time here, ___________. I don’t know how well we understand each other anymore, but I know that I might not make it if I keep waiting. I’ve been waiting because I wanted to be with you and I couldn’t bear thinking about going through the surgery across the world alone, without my wife…” you still feel like you’re looking at a stranger as he talks to you, and your heart aches, missing the boy you feel like died three months ago.

“And…if the surgery goes well and as planned, you’ll be able to go back to normal?” you ask, hopefully.

“I can only hope. I can’t promise you anything,” he says.

You take a deep breath, and look up at the stars again, missing Kai’s lips and touch; his hugs and his words that make you feel like the most special girl in the world.

“I can’t lose you again,” you inform him, “but in a way I feel like I already have…”  He looks at you without really looking at you. Weird, huh.

“We swore through better and through worse, but when worse came, neither of us followed through very well,” says Kai, deep in thought.

“I think…you should go. You should go get that new heart. Taking a chance is better than just wasting away your life, without a real promise of getting a new heart,” you tell him.

“I think you’re right. I’m scared, ____________-ah. I really am.” He turns to leave, and you start to cry harder, not wanting to think about the fact that that conversation may be the last one you ever have with your husband if, God forbid, the surgery goes badly.

You think back to the first time you met at school, you think about the time he kissed you in front of your whole class to protect you from bullies, you flashback to the time when he kissed you and you felt like you were really connected in your souls. Your thoughts go back to when the Kai you really knew opened his beautiful eyes and told you he’d always be there. Your tears won’t stop, and you see Kai has stopped walking away from you.

He turns around slowly, not completely facing you, but looking at you from the side.

“I never stopped loving you, ______________. I love you just as much now as ever, and I’ll only ever love you more. I just can’t be a good husband for you now, and I’m hurting, hurt, and I can barely look after myself. You’ve hurt me, but I know you’ve never meant to. I'm just hypersensitive right now. Always and forever, _________. Remember that. I won’t stop loving you for one second.” You recognize that tone, that voice. It’s really your husband, your Kai, your Jongin. The one that made you fall for him by being the perfect and most loving, caring, person you couldn’t ever dream up in your most pleasant fantasies.

The stranger was gone, for that moment, and your husband was back.

There’s so much you want to say, but you don’t get a chance, because next thing you know, Kai is gone, and you’re left alone on the balcony, knowing that concerning seeing your husband again, there might not be a next time.

There’s a possibility there won’t ever be another chance.