Painfully Beautiful

[Song of the Day: Super Junior - Daydream]

Everything was white. I saw myself walking in a blank spacious room. I asked myself, where am I?  I was puzzled. Each corner of my brain was slowly gnawed by bewilderment. I paused as I looked around. After a while, I took a deep breath.

Is this heaven? Am I dead?  Those questions attacked me as if they were swords slowly penetrating against my skin.

All of a sudden, my chest felt heavy. Am I really dead now?  I eyed my clothes and I saw that I was in a white dress shirt, black pants and black leather shoes.

This can't be. I couldn't possibly be dead by now, I scoffed in disbelief.

How is that possible? I know death is a natural thing, but I couldn't just die like that.

Am I still breathing?

Is my heart still beating?

Is my brain still processing?

Is my body still existing?

Where is everyone? Why am I alone here? Why is everything white? Why is this place making me feel so empty? Is this purgatory then? It couldn't be inferno, well, apparently. It's either heaven or purgatory. Too many questions were molded by my brain.

Oh, no!

Is this a sign of goodbye in the world now?  Somebody, please tell me.

Andwaeyo, andwaeyo. I shook my head. I can feel that I am still alive. I am not desperately convincing myself, but it's how I feel.

Yes, I can feel it. I have this instinct that I am still alive. But what happened to me before I was put in this state?  I asked myself.

I sighed. All right, I'll try to recall what happened. Calm yourself, Kim Sunggyu. Let us do a backtrack of what happened to you. Come on, do it.

"How was it?"

"Massiseoyo.”

"I guess you will be able to finish half of this, can you?"

“Nae."

"Good boy.”

"Thank you. Thank... you... for taking... care of me. You are like a nurse. Your care made me feel better.”

"Nurse? I should be the one thanking you because if I did not see you, I would have—"

I remember it now. I remember everything right now. I'm still alive. I, Kim Sunggyu is still alive, breathing, but in an unconscious state. This is not heaven, inferno or purgatory.

Yes!

Phew, I thought I was dead. Based on what I can recall, I passed out because of high fever inside my car. Maybe, I'm just sleeping and my soul is now in my dream. Well, I'm thinking too much.

"Sunggyu-ssi, I hope you wake up now," I heard such soft voice from nowhere and I became frozen.

I thought this isn't heaven. My face crumpled as I wondered. Whose voice was that? Was that of an angel's? Tell me.

Ani, animnida. I shook my head once again. This is a dream. Kim Sunggyu, this is a dream, I convinced myself with these words. I knew I was just dreaming that I have heard an angelic voice of a woman. I just took another step.

I paused.

"Sunggyu-ssi," I swear that I have heard it once again, but this time, the voice called out for my name. I took another step.

Who in the world is that?  I shrugged and ignored it.

It's a delusion. Don't believe it.

"Sunggyu-ssi," for the third time, I heard it again. My hands formed a ball. The voice kept ringing inside my head and it's not funny. It's frustrating me.

Ah, no. I mean... I don't know, but I have this feeling that I'll melt from where I'm standing if I ever hear it again.

"Sunggyu-ssi," the voice called out. Does that voice plan to torture me? That very sweet and angelic voice is like...

God! My heart is trembling, trembling and trembling like crazy. It's not funny. I'm serious here. Okay, calm down. I'll just ignore it.

Just when I thought that the voice will stop bothering me, it was the opposite.

"Sunggyu-ssi," I took a very deep breath upon hearing that voice once again. I was quite frustrated, wondering who it was.

Ahh! I'm slowly dying because of that voice. My knees became weak, my hands shivered and my heart kept trembling painfully. I turned around to see who it was, but...

The image of the empty space was slowly replaced by the reality where my existence belongs in. I felt how my heavy eyes slowly opened. My blurry vision started to become clear, signaling that my body has gained its consciousness.

The first one I saw was a pale-skinned woman who was sitting beside where my body was laying down. All I felt was the soft touch of her hand on my left hand.

My eyes were trying to recognize who she was. She's in a red knitted sweater. Her long hair was tied and swept on the side.

"Sunggyu-ssi, thank goodness that you are awake now," she mumbled with her voice sandwiched by worry. My eyes tried to process who she was.

I was speechless. I did not know what to say. Seriously, I became like a robot that is a numb entity. With her voice, it's confirmed that the voice I have heard earlier was hers. That's why... why I became weak.

"You have been unconscious for four days now because of influenza. Aunt Haera and I were worried about you," the woman added as she gently released my left hand from her touch. "Thankfully, you are awake now, Sunggyu-ssi."

It's Kim Taeyeon. I don't know if this is a dream, but it is really her. Uh, why is she here? Where am I?

I slowly nodded my head like a clueless child. I tilted my head to recognize the place where we were. I lifted my body in a sitting position and reclined my head against the pillows. I saw an oxygen and dextrose on the side, medicines and other stuff.

On the opposite side, I saw an EKG showing my blood pressure, heartbeat and respiratory status. Then, I looked at my hands and I saw how intravenous needles penetrated against them.

Well, I was in a hospital gown, too. Indeed, I am in a hospital. I should not wonder because I passed out in the middle of that forest, right?

I cleared my throat and pulled off a stoic reaction on my face.

I broke my silence and stated, "I see. Where is Eomma?"

"She went outside to settle some matters," Taeyeon answered.

"Algesseumnida," I said. What matters? Hmm, okay. I won't ask. Probably, Eomma did not tell her.

"Do... do you want some food or something to drink?" she stuttered. Her face looked uneasy and I'm wondering for what reason.

"No, thank you," I nonchalantly responded.

"Are you sure? Do you feel hurt anywhere? I'll call your doctor or a nurse if you want," she said in a paranoid yet shy manner. Kim Taeyeon, what's the matter? She stood up from her seat.

When she was about to leave, I held her right hand tightly.

"Don't leave," I worded. Her reaction looked sour as she looked at me.

Wanting to protest, she mumbled, "But–"

"Stay," I firmly said as I gave her a serious look. "Didn't you hear me?"

She gaped widely as she nodded her head in obedience. She went back to her seat as she put her head down. Good girl. I mentally smirked, feeling victorious after indirectly declaring my dominance. I released her hand.

To be honest, I felt the awkward tension between us. I wonder why she's acting weirdly around me. Is she feeling awkward that it's just the two of us enclosed in a room?

Hell, I'm not going to do something bad to her. Stop being paranoid. Look here. I am a patient and even if I am in a normal state, I won't have any intention to do something awful.

But I know it is shameless of me to ask her to stay with me, but I want it. Kim Taeyeon, let's stay like this for a little longer, can't we?

"I understand," Kim Taeyeon replied in a descending voice.

"Good," I said. "By the way, thank you."

She lifted her head when I said the words 'thank you'. Taeyeon became flustered and asked, "Chogiyo?"

"Thank you," I repeated with my non-changing reaction. "Thank you for staying with me. I appreciate it a lot."

"That... that is... nothing," she responded in her shaky voice while her cheeks turned crimson.

Why? Is she really feeling awkward around me or is it something else?

"You were the one who brought me here, weren't you?" I asked.

"Ye.. yeah, I was," she admitted.

"Thank you. Thank you for your kindness. I hope you forgive me all of the bothers I gave you," I sincerely stated.

"No, no. You don't have to apologize. It is me who should because I... I caused too much inconvenience to you before," she immediately answered.

She might be cold at certain times, but I wouldn't deny how I admire her humility and kindness. No wonder I love her like crazy.

Yet still, I am bothered that she's acting unusually around me. I don't get the reason why she acts weirdly whenever I am around. Am I a sort of a virus or something that is fatal?

"Don't you really want to eat or drink something?" she asked as her eyes were focused on her knotted fingers.

Uh, I feel very uncomfortable with the way she acts and speaks. "No, thank you. Are you okay? Why do you seem to be bothered?"

She's bothered and I'm bothered too. It goes both ways.

"Bo... bothered?" the woman stuttered as she looked at me with innocence. She shook her head and denied, "I am okay. Nothing is wrong with me. Do you want me to open the television for you?"

She showed me a smile, but I knew it was fake. Taeyeon, you were affectionate earlier, but now you are acting weirdly. You even held my hand tightly, remember? You are really weird.

"No, I want quietude. The sound of TV is too deafening for my ears," I talked back as I stretched my arms gently. "Can you just please hand me that newspaper?"

I pointed the newspaper neatly folded and placed on the glass table from a distance.

"Yes, I will," she immediately answered as she stood up from her seat. Momentarily, she walked towards the area where the table and took the newspaper.

The moment she handed it to me, I mouthed, "Thank you."

She went back to her seat and sighed. What's with the sigh, Kim Taeyeon?

"You are welcome," she replied.

I flipped the pages of the newspaper. My eyes hurriedly look for the business section. Ooh, the stock exchange. I smirked when I saw how the stock exchange seemed to be in our side. Nam Corporation remains on top, and the business news, mostly involving our company are all positive. I felt very pleased. I couldn't ask for more.

While reading the other news, I asked, "Since when I was unconscious again?"

From my peripheral vision, I saw how she turned attentive when I asked her that question. She looked around and pointed herself, "Are you perhaps asking me?"

I put down the newspaper and sarcastically replied, "It is only the two of us here, remember?"

Taeyeon's mouth widened, obviously embarrassed when I talked back with sarcasm. Her face turned crimson again as she scratched the back of her head. Her eyes were like, I'm sorry for that stupid question.

She put down her head and answered regretfully, "Four. Four days."

Four days is quite long. I was like in a comatose state, wasn't I?

She sighed. Maybe this girl really does not want to be with me that's why she's acting weirdly. I held the newspaper again and continued reading, "Okay, thank you."

"Yeah," she sheepishly said.

"Don't you have work? Why are you here at Jeonju?" I speculated in my stiff tone.

"I filed a leave of absence," Taeyeon thriftily answered.

"Really? Is it something about family-related matters?" I plainly questioned once again.

"It's... It is something personal," the woman stated. For the nth time, she let out a sigh. Does she really want to leave? Uh, okay. Do as you please. If you leave, you leave. If you stay, you stay.

"Okay, I understand." I wouldn't ask her for more because I don't want to intrude her privacy. "I suddenly remembered the time you came into Woohyun's office and gave him a paper. It's quite surprising that he allowed you to do so." I commented without making my words sound as if they have double meaning and malice.

"Yes, Sir Woohyun did when I explained everything to him," she said.

"That is a relief," I stated as I folded the newspaper. "He is a very understanding and considerate man, so no wonder."

Those words were not of hypocrisy. I swear. I know that Woohyun and I may not be in good terms, but being his brother, I know that he's nice, especially to someone like Kim Taeyeon. Oh, there's an intended pun with my words, ha! Wae? It's the truth anyway.

"Yes, he really is," Taeyeon agreed.

I placed the newspaper on the side and tried removing the intravenous needles penetrated against my skin.

Apparently dumbfounded, Kim Taeyeon's eyes widened. She stuttered, "What... what are you doing, Sunggyu-ssi?"

"I'm going to grab some fresh air outside," I responded.

She stood up and prevented my hands from doing any further action. She gasped hardly and told me in panic, "Anio, anio. Don't! Don't remove the intravenous needles!"

"Wae?" I asked.

"Don't," the woman muttered. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to grab some fresh air outside," I repeated. "Didn't I just say that?"

"I get it. I get it, but you don't have to remove those needles!" she burst, rolling her eyes.

Did she just shout at me? Hey, Kim Taeyeon. Wae ireoni?

"If you want to leave, do as you please. I want to wander around the hospital," I said, shooting her a serious look. "So please let me do what I want, Kim Taeyeon-ssi."

She wanted to leave me, right? I'm now giving her the chance to do so. I wouldn't want to force myself to someone who does not want my presence. I'd better be alone because I can handle myself. I can handle myself and I don't need someone's pity or anything else!

She stomped her feet and gritted her teeth. "ANIO! I will go with you. Stay here while I'm getting a wheel chair, arasseo?" Taeyeon firmly commanded.

Hold on. Did she just tell me that she wants to go with me? I became surprised.

"Wha–what?" I questioned in disbelief.

"I... I said that I will go with you," she stuttered as her irked expressioned turned soft. "Are you deaf or what?"

I mentally rolled my eyes and scoffed. You really never change, Kim Taeyeon. Still with that sarcasm. If you are not the woman I love, I would have talked back and fought against that sarcasm.

"Can... can you repeat what you have said?" I requested, still processing her words. My heart throbbed in a beautifully painful pace as I anticipated for her answer.

"Ya, Kim Sunggyu-ssi! I said that I will go with you. I wouldn't... uh... My conscience wouldn't want me to leave a sick man alone and..." she explained in a defensive yet denial tone. Her face turned crimson as she let out a sigh.

So prideful Kim Taeyeon, but it seems that everything backlashes on her. Now, I think I'm so stupid not to realize that the reddening of her face is actually blushing.

Shoot!  I mentally smirked.

It's confirmed. She's affected by me that's why she's acting weirdly. Why didn't I think of that? Admit it or not, you are affected by me, Ms. Kim Taeyeon. I felt triumphant.

"If that is what you say," I said, suppressing the smile that's about to be curved by my lips. I furtively chuckled in victory.

"Stay here, Sunggyu-ssi. Do not remove the IV needles," Taeyeon commanded with her frustrated expression. "Stay here. I'll be back quick."

I just gave her a shrug as if I did not comprehend what she said. I purposely did that to piss her off. Stubborn if stubborn, who cares?

"Sunggyu-ssi," she hissed.

I sighed and answered, "Okay."

After fifteen minutes, I found myself in a wheel chair as Kim Taeyeon toured me around the hospital.

"Do you wish to go somewhere else?" she asked as she gently pushed the wheelchair from behind.

"Rooftop," I innocently worded.

"Rooftop?" she questioned in puzzlement. "But you know that you'll have a hard time going up there."

I titled my head to face her and pleaded, "Please."

"Don't you want anywhere else?" Taeyeon doubtfully offered.

"Anio," I shook my head like a child.

"But," she murmured as she let out a sigh.

I faced forward and folded my arms. "If you do not want to, I'll just go there alone. I can handle myself though."

I knew that in this state, I really can't manage to reach the rooftop. My body is aching all over and I'm obviously weak.

But I should maintain my pride. I just couldn't lose like this. If she does not want what I want, then I'll go there alone. I mean it. Brat? Well...

"Ani! Animnida! I'll go with you," Taeyeon muttered as she went in front of me.

Her reaction was priceless—crumpled like there's no tomorrow because of my bratty attitude. Ha! I tried to look stoic and suppressed the laughter that's about to burst out in me.

"Jinjjayo?" I questioned.

"YES, I WILL. I will, Mr. Kim Sunggyu," she mocked, gently pushing the wheelchair from behind.

Seventeen minutes passed like a breeze. I found both of us quietly sitting on a bench in the middle of the rooftop. How about the wheelchair? Taeyeon placed it on the side.

Awkward as it seemed, there was a quite big distance between us as we sat on the bench.

The cold air was refreshing. I closed my eyes as I savored the coldness of the breezy morning.

"Sunggyu-ssi," I heard her voice which ultimately broke the silence.

I opened my eyes and mumbled, "What is it?"

"Hmm," she murmured as she looked at the skies above. "The skies are beautiful, aren't they?"

I also lifted my gaze to see the white fluffy clouds above. "Yes, they are beautiful."

"Can I ask you another thing?" Taeyeon asked.

"Sure, go on," I answered. I wondered what she's going to ask me.

"Have... have you ever experienced..." She spoke up and paused.

"Experienced what?" I innocently asked. Having a girlfriend? Nope, not yet. Falling in love? Yes, twice. So what is it?

She continued, "Have you ever experienced having that empty feeling because you feel like there are missing pieces of your life?"

What an unexpected yet deep question. I was surprised to hear it coming from a person like you.

I reflected on my experiences first for a minute before I finally answered, "Yes, I have. Is that a sort of an identity crisis or something?"

"Pretty close with that," the woman said.

"To be honest, it was during my childhood. It was the time before I found out who my father was and I am a Nam," I admitted.

I continued opening up, "I was a victim of bullying before. Children would bully me because of the rumors that I am an illegitimate child. Then, I wondered who my father was. Why did he leave mother and I suffering? I experienced that crisis in myself and I blamed my father for that."

"That is very sad to hear," she commented with empathy. She looked at me and our gazes coincidentally met.

"My father turns out to be Nam Donghwan-sahjangnim, a one powerful man," I said.

She expressed, "But look at you now. The bullied child turns out to be a Nam, but that's not it. You are the future heir of the Nam clan. You are very lucky, Sunggyu-ssi."

"Lucky? Are the criteria of being lucky only consider wealth, influence and position?" I questioned as we both looked at the skies above again.

"I will be a hypocrite if I disagree," Taeyeon answered.

No, I am not a lucky man, Ms. Kim.

 I shook my head and expressed my disagreement, "No, I am not. How can I consider myself lucky if at times like this, I cannot handle myself? I am a very weak and hopeless man. I burden other people. All I can do is function as a money-maker of the company. Apart from that, I am nothing."

I saw her tilting her head to face me. She opened her lips as she said, "No, you are not hopeless and weak. It's not that you can't handle yourself. The people around you aren't burdened by you. They stay beside you because they truly care for you."

I looked at her with sadness and stated, "Really? But I wonder if the woman I love cares for me too. I question myself every day, does this person cares for me even just a bit?"

Upon hearing those words, her face turned emotionless. She was blank with what to tell me. I knew that she's aware of what I said. I knew that my words struck her.

Kim Taeyeon, tell me. Did you ever care for me or not?

She looked away from me and responded in a cold tone, "Who knows? Probably, she does. But it does not guarantee that she loves you back."

I felt a pang inside my chest as I swallowed those cold words that escaped from .

I chuckled bitterly and asked, "So it's pity, right?"

"Regardless whether it's pity or not, it's better than not caring for you at all," she nonchalantly replied.

That reality hit me. Pity is way better than not caring at all, I told myself. I slowly nodded my head as I realized how suicidal my questions were. It's my fault why I'm hurting.

"Despite that, I still love her. I still want to tell her that," I said.

"And?" she plainly asked.

"I love her so much, but there's something I am afraid of," I continued.

"Afraid of? What is it to be afraid of if she already knows it?" Taeyeon stoically questioned as if she knew nothing about what I said.

Kim Taeyeon, why are you taking yourself out of the picture? It's you and I know that you know it. Now, you seem to be challenging me, huh. Do you really want to hear those words directly from my mouth? I'm ready to do it. But are you too?

I chuckled once again and replied, "What am I afraid of?"

I paused and soon continued, "It is the mere fact that she is in front of me. She may be near, but in reality, she's miles away from me. That enough discourages me to tell her how much I love her."

She was alarmed by my words. I saw how her face became flustered although she's pretending to be cool. "Is that so?"

"I know that she knows it. She is just pretending that she does not," I said subtly. "Your question made me realize that there is nothing to be afraid of. If she already knows it, perhaps, it is the right time for me to directly tell her how I feel, right?"

While saying those words, I judged how she would react. Her reaction was unreadable as she slightly squirmed from her seat.

"Nev... never mind that," Taeyeon said as she looked away from me. I saw how she tried to stop her left hand from shaking. "Let... let us go back to your room now. Who knows if Aunt Haera is already there?" She let out a laugh from , but miserably failed when it sounded awkward.

No, you cannot escape, Ms. Kim. You started it and I will end it. Don't you ever try to elude from the reality. If you ever do, I won't let you.

She stood up from her seat and turned back, but before she could take a step away from me, I strongly gripped on her left arm.

I darkly stated, "No."

She let out a deep breath and asked, feigning innocence in her voice, "Why? It might rain, so I don–"

Enough of those excuses. Do you think I will believe you? No, I won't. "You couldn't just leave me here, Ms. Kim Taeyeon," I said as I gripped on her left arm tighter.

"Sunggyu-ssi, let me go," Taeyeon answered, obviously trying to sound calm as possible.

"Face me while I am talking to you," I sternly stated, slightly pulling her arm towards me.

"Sunggyu-ssi," she murmured. "Please let me go."

"As far as I remember, you said that your conscience wouldn't want you to leave a sick man alone," I recalled. "So where's your one word now?"

She faced me while she tried to free her arm from my grip. "Algesseumnida. I wouldn't leave you, Mr. Kim. But can we go back to your room now? I do not think this conversation is something we should take as big deal. Can't we?"

My jaw clenched as I seriously answered, "No."

Her eyes widened as she looked at me with disbelief. "WHAT?"

"Kim Taeyeon," I called out her name.

She looked very annoyed as she blurted, "WHAT? I said that I will accompany you back to your room, so what–"

"I gave you a chance to leave, but you insisted to stay," I smirked, not letting her to finish her words. "But now you are telling me that you want to leave this place. Is everything a joke to you, Kim Taeyeon-ssi?"

She struggled to free her arm, but I put all my energy, so that she wouldn't be able to do so. "Can you please stop this now? It is not funny. For your information, I don't deal that much with jokes. Let me go now or I will use force, Mr. Kim Sunggyu!"

"Although I am sick?" I scoffed as I shot her a mocking stare. "Ah, yeah. You do not care for me, so you wouldn't care hitting me despite being in this state. But sorry, Ms. Kim. You started it and I will END it. If you do not want me to use force, then do as I say."

"Kim Sunggyu-ssi," she hissed.

"To you, it isn't a big deal, but for me, it is, Kim Taeyeon-ssi," I confidently answered back.

"KIM SUNGGYU!" she yelled, exerting too much force to free her arm, but failed.

"I told you," I murmured. Much to her shock, I effortlessly pulled her and made her seat beside me. Her eyes widened more and I saw how she put a hand on her chest, apparently surprised of my sudden action.

"Kim... Kim Sunggyu," she stuttered.

"I told you that if you do not want me to use force, do as I say," those words were rolled by tongue while I let my right arm support her back.

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