Certainty

It was a very sullen night. As the darkness gnawed the busy city of Seoul, the colorful lights lit up beautifully like the celestial bodies that dance around the clouds.

The man was silently standing near the big glass window of his room. His spacious room was encompassed by an unending silence. Allowing his eyes to watch the view of the busy city, he slowly moved the glass of wine he was holding. After a while, he gently took a sip of the tasty Bourgogne Chardonnay wine he personally got from France. As he took a sip of the wine, he could feel how it slowly filled up his emptiness—the emptiness of his heart.

As its warmth lingered inside him, slowly overpowering the coldness of his heart, he shut his eyes tightly. He slowly loosened the tie on his neck. His head was throbbing in pain. The analgesic he took a while ago seemed not to be of help. But the pain inside his head was nothing compared to the pain his heart was feeling right at that moment. It was more painful. It was too painful that it turned his whole body numb.

After hearing such painful words directly from with those eyes showing only pure coldness and disbelief, Sunggyu knew he would have to go back to a square one. Did he worsen the situation because of such bold act? Did he complicate the situation more? There is a possibility that he did. She might hate him for what he did. She might distance herself farther away from him. Those things are what he's afraid to happen.

"Massiseoyo." The man slowly let the tip of his tongue move slowly around his bottom lip. The taste of her lips has lingered like a sweet and savory wine on his lips. It tasted bittersweet. It was sweet as the joy of falling in love, but bitter too as the poisonous words that escape from her lips. Does he really love her? Or perhaps, is he just misunderstanding what he feels?

There is a thin line between love and a simple infatuation. An infatuation is a 'pseudo-feeling' that is only for a short period of time. An infatuated person usually says that he is in love, having an intense attraction to a person, but as time goes by, he will realize that what he feels is not actually 'love'. It comes like a wind and vanishes like a bubble.

But love is different. It happens not within a short time. It is like a magic. It is the heavenly feeling that is unconditional. It is unconditional that someone will only think of is the happiness of the one he loves, even if it is to the extent that he will compromise his own happiness and set that person free. Love that only thinks of itself is not love, but rather selfishness.

Which of these two is the one that he feels for? He questioned himself. Is he really in love with Kim Taeyeon? Is he really hundred-percent certain of what he feels for her? It has only been almost a year since he met her, yet he now claims that he 'loves' her.

The big questions are: Does 'love' need to take a long time before it can be considered as real? Does he need to wait for a long time before he can surely say that he loves Kim Taeyeon? Does he need to wait for ages before he could assure that what he feels for her is love, and not just a mere attraction?

Someone like Kim Sunggyu does not care about such thing before, but when Kim Taeyeon came into his life, everything changed. Funny as it was, the day both of them first met at the police station, Sunggyu felt different when he saw her. Was it love at first sight? Only Sunggyu knows.

The man felt the same way when he first met his childhood friend—his one and only first love. After his childhood friend, 'orange girl' mysteriously vanished many years ago, he became a cold and cynical person who never believe in the existence of love. At that time, he might have been too young to be in love, but deep inside his young heart, he was certain that it was nothing else but love. Every time he sees Taeyeon, it brings back the memories of his old love. He knew that Taeyeon and 'orange girl' are two different persons, but the feeling that they both give are the same. The happiness and even the pain, both women affect him so much—to the extent that he's losing his mind whenever he thinks of them.

 "Am I just confused with my feelings?" 

[~]

“Why? Don’t you like me?” Sunggyu joked.

“Huh? Like?” Taeyeon asked as she coughed.

Sunggyu said seriously, “Tell me.”

“What?” She was loss at words. It was like something was blocking from saying something. 

“Just kidding, Taeyeon-ssi.” Feeling relieved, she chuckled after seeing his beautiful eye smile. 

“We are on a date, anyway.” He straightforwardly said as he chuckled once again.

“Date? Isn’t that an overstatement, Sunggyu-ssi? You know~~”

He playfully said, “Then, tell me what this is.”

“Uh~~ This?”

“What?”

“I do not think that it is.”

“Jinjja?”

“Of course this not a date, Sunggyu-ssi.”

“I do not think you are right, Taeyeon-ssi. If this is not a date, then tell me what this is.” Sunggyu playfully insisted which made Taeyeon’s cheeks became redder than it was.

“I don’t know.”

“See? It is a date.”

“Eh?”

“Nevermind. Then, I will just consider it as a friendly date since I can feel you are not used to it.” Sunggyu joked as he saw that she was quite uncomfortable with the term ‘date’. “Oh~ Before I forget, I will give you now my gift.”

“Huh?”

“Gift? Aren’t these too much for you to give another gift?”

He smiled sweetly as he said, “No, no, no. Those are not enough.” Sunggyu brought out a black rectangular box out of his coat’s pocket.

“What is this?” Taeyeon asked as she felt curious of what was inside the box. She opened the box and saw a very lovely infinity necklace inside it. She softly complimented, “Woah~ It is nice. No, nice is an understatement. It is very lovely.”

“Let me see if it suits you.” He stood up from his seat which startled Taeyeon a lot.

“Where are you going?” She asked as she saw him getting the necklace inside the box. “Hey, Sunggyu-ssi.”

She felt that he went towards the back of the seat she was sitting on. “It suits you.” Sunggyu wore the necklace on her neck which made her blush madly. Soon, he shifted on the left side to see how it beautifully hangs on her neck. “The one who is wearing it now made it more beautiful in the eyes of the person who sees it.”

“Uhh~ Kamsahamnida, Sunggyu-ssi. Isn’t this very expensive?”

“That is nothing if compared to the beauty of the one who is wearing it.” Sunggyu sweetly and affectionately smiled as he crouched down on the floor. “You are the one who dazzles beautifully as the beautiful necklace you are wearing.”

She timidly stuttered, “What? That is too much, Sunggyu-ssi. Stop joking around.” Taeyeon was surprised hearing his sweet and rosy words. They stared at each other’s eyes as if the world only revolved around them.

[~]

Soon, he gently opened his eyes and shook his head. "No, Kim Sunggyu. You are not."

If he is misunderstanding what he feels for her, why would he feel the same way he did before? Why would he get affected by her a lot? Why would he feel jealous and hurt whenever he sees her with other men? Why would he become paranoid whenever she avoids him? Why would he be hurt by her cold words and gazes if he does not love her? Is what he feels just a mere infatuation? Is it just a simple attraction? Certainly not. A cold and cynical man like him who only prioritizes work over anything else in this world would not act that way unless something or someone changed him. Kim Sunggyu is definitely that kind of person, but this time, it's different. He became different. Why? It's because he is in love. Kim Sunggyu is in love with Kim Taeyeon.

"I guess I have to give her space. I have to prove her how sincere I am with my feelings for her." He said. "Whether she accepts my feelings for her or not, I don't care. All I know is I love her."

After a couple of minutes, his phone rang. The man placed the glass wine on the table. He dug it out from his pocket and answered the call by allowing his left index finger slide on the answer button. Without looking at the caller id flashed on the screen, he pressed the glassy screen of the phone against his ear.

In a soft and gentle voice, he asked, "Yobosaeyo? Good evening. Kim Sunggyu speaking."

"Good evening, Sunggyu. This is Jo Kwon."

"Annyeong haseyo. What is the purpose of your call, Kwon?"

Noticing how indifferent his tone was, the man on the other line said, "I just wanted to talk to you. Are you not in the mood tonight? You sound different. Let me guess. Something bad happened to you, right?"

"Bad?" Sunggyu let out a soft bitter laugh before he plainly denied, "Bad? No, there isn't. Actually, everything went fine today."

"Really? Lie. Your voice clearly shows me that you are not."

"Does it?"

"Nae, it does. I am not deaf not to notice it. Stop lying. I am not buying your lie."

"Is that so? Mianhamnida." Sunggyu lowly said. "I am sorry. I am sorry. It's just that I have a headache right now."

"Is that so? Heol. I probably disturbed you then. I should be the one to apologize. I am sorry." Kwon apologetically said. "I think you need to rest now. Don't stress yourself too much. That is bad for your health."

"Thank you for your concern. Don't worry about me. It's just a simple headache and nothing severe. I will just take a rest later. Anyway, what's up? Is there anything new?" Sunggyu picked up the wine glass and the bottle of wine placed on the table. For a while, he pressed the phone tighter on his ear with the aid of his left shoulder before he let his hands pour a moderate amount of wine in the glass. Soon, he sat on the white couch as he slowly moved the glass of wine before he took a sip in it.

"New? Nothing really. Still doing fine as ever. Oh, what is that sound? It seems that you are having a drinking session all by yourself now huh." His friend answered back on the other line.

"Drinking session? Umm. Actually, yes. How did you know?"

"Well, I can tell that was a sound of wine being poured in a glass."

An amused chuckle escaped from his lips. He said, "You surely have a good sense of hearing and imagination huh. Yeah. I am having a drink all by myself. Next time, let us have a drink together, so that I won't feel bored."

"Apparently yes. Oh, so what is the occasion? Isn't that you have a headache? Won't you feel worse if you drink alcohol?"

"Occasion? Nothing actually. I just feel bored. This is just a simple wine that I got from France last month. It actually makes me feel better, so I think I'll have to finish two bottles tonight." Sunggyu replied back as he took another sip of the wine. "Umm.. Massiseoyo. I think I'll just have to drink wine or even beer whenever I feel bored. That seems to be a good idea. I did not know that drinking alcohol also brings relaxation because I only drink during occasions." His voice might have sounded calm, but it was filled with sadness. A sadness that even a glass of wine cannot conceal.

"Well, yeah it does. But it does not completely hide boredom or even depression. It just drowns a person into a temporary relaxation by letting him escape from the harsh reality, but in the end, it is not really of help because it does not solve anything. The pain of reality remains."

"That sounds quite dramatic. Are you alright? Do you feel depressed or what?" The older one joked as he leaned his back on the couch.

"Depressed? Me?" His friend's laughter was heard on the line which confused him from his seat. "I am happy with my life now. So far, there are only a few problems I experience, but all of them are not really big. The one who is depressed is not me, but it's someone else."

"Huh? Someone else? Who's that person?" Sunggyu innocently wondered.

"You really are a one funny man, Kim Sunggyu. How can you ask me who it is if you know it yourself?"

"Jinjja? I do? How come I don't know that I know that particular person?"

"Sheesh! Sheesh! Stop the innocent act, Kim Sunggyu. Stop pretending that you don't know who I am talking about. How come you don't know that person if it's you, yourself?"

"Mwo? So you are talking about me? Why me?" The older man questioned in disbelief.

"Kim Sunggyu, stop acting innocent. I know that you are depressed right now that's why you're drinking." Kwon blurted as he rolled his eyes. "Kim Sunggyu never drinks a lot of alcohol not unless he is depressed. I have always remembered it. Aish! I have told you before that if you want to talk someone with if you are depressed, just call me anytime you want, right? Now tell me. What is the thing that makes you feel depressed?"

"Depressed? Anio! I am alright. Why would I get depressed?" Sunggyu firmly denied.

"Ay! Are we going back to what happened before? Aish! There's no point of denying it. I am your friend that's why I should help you with it. Now tell me. Please be honest."

"What should I say then?"

"The real reason why you are drinking obviously, Kim Sunggyu."

"Real reason?" He blankly asked and soon stated, "Nah. That is just a sort of a crap. I don't want to talk about it. Your ears will just hurt once I tell you about it."

"Why? Don't keep it to yourself. You'll just feel worse if you do. Don't worry about my ears. Haha. Silly. Of course, I am willing to listen to whatever you'll gonna say. We are friends, Sunggyu-ah, right?"

"Friends?" He unconsciously mumbled and afterwards, shook his head in affirmation as a sad chuckle escaped from his cold lips. "Nae, we are."

Noticing the sadness in his tone, Kwon questioned on the other line, "Eh? What did really happen to you? Look. You are feeling worse because you keep it yourself. The Kim Sunggyu I know is not a masochist."

"Masochist? No, I am not. I am not hurt. I've told you that I am just bored." The older man said as he took another sip of wine in the glass. "I am just bored. Bored to hell that makes me feel sick to death." Those words sounded like a whisper, but they were filled with dejection that his heart is trying to endure.

"If you really do not want to tell me, it leaves me no choice, but to take a guess of it."

"Guess? Really? Then, try."

"Let me ask you straightforwardly. Did something bad happen to the two of you?"

Puzzled with what Kwon was talking about, Sunggyu wondered with a perturbed reaction forming on his face, "Huh? Two of what? What are you talking about?"

"I am referring to you and Kim Taeyeon-ssi."

'Shoot. Man, how did he know about us?' The older man instantly became flustered upon hearing his friend's answer. "KIM—who?"

'There's no way to escape, Kim Sunggyu.' A playful smirk was formed on his face. Kwon rephrased, "I am talking about you and Taeyeon-ssi."

"What are you talking about? What about Taeyeon and I? What do you mean by that? Didn't I tell you before that I do not know her personally? How come she is involved with me? That is impossible!" Sunggyu's agitated words came out of his mouth instantly, wanting to deny that he knows him despite the fact that he really does.

How can he not know her if she is the real reason why he's feeling down? How can he not know Kim Taeyeon if she is the woman his heart shouts for? The reality , but no matter how hard he denies it, it always comes out and hurts him badly.

"Wooh. Cut the pretense off. I am aware that you, Mr. Kim Sunggyu and Ms. Kim Taeyeon know each other. You just lied to me before that you do not know her. Tssh! But I will let it pass because I know you just did it for your own privacy. She's the woman you're talking about before, right?"

Still not giving it to his friend, being a prideful man as ever, Sunggyu tried to come up with the most sensible explanation he could ever think of, "Huh? I do not understand what you are talking about. Of course, we know each other. I am the former manager of the Hope Café, and as far as I remember, she was hired during my last week as the café's manager. In fact, I, myself was the one who conducted her job interview. That was the week I prepared turning over my position to Woohyun. She is not the woman I've told you before."

"Oww?" Kwon scoffed in disbelief. "Jeongmal? But what about..."

"About what?"

Mimicking the older man's voice, Kwon said, "Seeing how you look for it as if its something important to you is more than enough to make me happy."

Shocked the moment he heard such words, Sunggyu was in a state of panic. He was loss at words. He did not know what to say. He did not know what to come up as an excuse because there's no way out since Kwon found it out already.

"Kim Sunggyu, what now? I know that you are wondering how I found out about it. To tell you the truth, I visited Jeonju during my three days of day-off last week. I wanted to visited your mother, so I dropped by your house at Jeonju." The younger one stated as a memory flashbacked in his memory.

[~]

Jo Kwon pressed the doorbell outside the Kim's residence at Jeonju. It was his day-off during that day. Having nothing to do at his residence at Nowon district, Jo Kwon decided to visit Jeonju, his friend's hometown. He does not only have a close ties with the Nam family, but also with Mrs. Kim Haera whose son is his college buddy and close friend, Kim Sunggyu, the sole heir of the Nam household.

Patiently waiting for someone to open the gates, Jo Kwon tightly held the basket of fruits on his hold.

After a while, the gates were opened and an old woman welcomed his eyes. It was Mrs. Kim.

Kwon bowed his head and greeted, "Annyeong haseyo, Aunt Haera."

"Oh, hello. Young man, may I ask how you knew me? I am very sorry, but because I'm aging now that I don't recognize you."

The young man smiled as he answered back, "No, I understand. Aunt Haera, this is me, Jo Kwon. I am Sunggyu's college friend."

"O