A,N: This chapter was rewritten and some plot changes were made!

The bus arrived five minutes late and that was enough to make Lillie run from the bus stop to work or she would miss the first lesson for the day.

The day was starting on a wrong note. She really didn’t want to go to work at all because Jules would be alone and she wasn’t feeling better. Her breakdown from the previous night kept her and Lillie awake from hours talking. She let Jules complain about her boyfriend and she stayed by her side even when she regretted the breakup and she went through the following phases of a broken heart. Lillie wasn’t experienced, she never had another boyfriend besides her ex and he was a complete monster. She also never had to break up with him, she wouldn't even dare, but she ran away and never regretted it. Yes, she feared it for days after she did it and sometimes she wondered if it was the right thing to do but now she was certain it was. Sometimes you have to erase people from your life if you want to be happy and that was one of those moments. Even if Minjae didn't hurt Jules physically he also didn't respect her and kept hurting her emotionally. That was also why Lillie opened up to Jules. She told her all about how Alex, her ex-boyfriend abused her for years, how he beat her up, how he humiliated her, and broke everything inside her until she was only a fearful insecure person. Then she narrated how she decided to leave before he took her body from her, before he completely destroyed her and how she was now in South Korea rebuilding her life and even dating someone that treated her with respect and hopefully would never abuse her in any way. They cried together after that. It was a total mess and they barely slept anything.

When Lillie started getting ready for work Jules came out from her bedroom and stepped into the kitchen complaining that her head hurt. Lillie prepared her breakfast but even though she did her best she doubted food had the power to heal a broken heart.

Lillie yawned and fixed her skirt again. On the bus the old lady who sat beside her looked at her legs as if she was wearing something indecent. The skirt was one of the shortest she had but was only slightly over her knees. It wasn't that bad and way less revealing than many that her coworkers wore. The truth was that she needed to buy more clothes, especially if she wanted to keep going on dates with Jinki, but she was running low on money.

She moved her mug with Jinki's picture to the side and opened the file she was working on on the computer. Seeing Jules's desk empty made her heart hurt and Lillie decided to check on her.

"Yes?"

"Have you eaten?"

"Yeah..."

"What are you doing?"

"Lillie I'm fine! It’s not like I’m going to kill myself. It won’t happen and certainly not because of a low life like Minjae! I’m just going to stay home, gain weight eating junk food, and cry my eyes out. That's what happens after a breakup!”

Jules knew she never broke up with anyone, actually, she was the person who knew more about her now. She never once told anyone about what Alex did to her. Not even Jinki knew and Lillie feared the day he would find out. Would he get disappointed because she was defective? Or angry that she didn't tell him something important like that? Jules seemed to treat her as if nothing happened and Lillie was thankful for that.

"Sure! I'm just worried about you!"

"Lillie! Yesterday you helped me a lot. You heard me and even shared things from your life you didn’t want to share with anyone. You are so brave and you did help me a lot. Thank you!"

Jules was the best for sure and Lillie was lucky she decided to befriend her and take her under her wing. Things could have been so different if she didn't.

"I love you too Jules!"

"And to think it took you so long to tell that to Dubu! I should get him jealous!"

Lillie laughed, her cheeks getting pinkish. She thought she would never ever fall in love let alone confess to someone. And the best was that Jinki loved her back.

"Thank you Jules! I think my life in Korea wouldn't be so happy if I hadn’t met you. I never would have met him and ..."

"Yes you would Lillie! Fate would make it happen! You would meet eventually because I truly believe you are meant for each other. He is the one who is going to heal the scars in your heart. I'm sure of it!"

"I don’t know if I believe in that!"

They spoked a little more and then Lillie turned off the call. She had a kakao talk notification.

"Good morning my Tokki! Minjae talked with me yesterday. How's your friend?”

It was Jinki and she looked around nervously and then answered.

"Good day vampire Jinki! She cried almost all night! If I see Minjae I’m gonna kill him!"

": (Things between them are complicated. We have to let them take care of it alone!"

Minjae was Jinki’s friend after all. He still was an though.

"Yes I know! So what are you doing?"

"We left the hair salon now. We have a photoshoot today!"

"This means that there will be more pictures of you released very soon?"

"It's for a magazine. Yeah!"

"y or cute?"

"You seem very interested."

"Of course. I wanna know everything about my boyfriend!"

She giggled and then covered realizing that she was completely forgetting about her surroundings. It was so exhilarating to flirt with him, to treat him as her boyfriend, one that she couldn't tell anyone about. Sometimes it was overwhelming and made her sad that they couldn't do what normal couples did, but others it was exciting to have a secret like that. Their own secret.

"Still don’t know yet, but I'll send you a selca when I get dressed. Just for you, my number 1 fan!"

"Good!"

"But you know that nothing is free in this world!"

"What do you mean?"

"You have to send me one back!"

"Ok :)"

"I would love to see you now. I bet you're smiling all thrilled!"

She wasn't sure how Jinki knew about it but he always seemed to guess her reactions. It was true that he was very observant and sometimes she caught him watching her without saying anything, his thoughts a complete mystery to her. He was studying her, she was sure of that.

She was thinking about what to send to him next when Jinho passed by her desk in the direction of his. His eyes fell on Lillie and he smiled before they moved down to her legs uncovered by her skirt. They stayed there for longer than needed and he swallowed hard before looking away. Lillie flushed uncomfortably. She liked how Jinki looked at her body even though it made her nervous but when it was other men it terrified her a little. Alex had the awful habit to walk around her admiring her body when they went out on dates. He did it not to praise her because she looked pretty but to make remarks about her body, sometimes dirty ones that disgusted her others mean ones picking up on her weight, how she didn't look good with that clothes, etc…

She was sure Jinho didn't look at her legs with noble intentions. Some of the dirty remarks Alex made about her legs made her sunk in her desk and Lillie stared down at her phone. She didn't reply to Jinki yet.

“Can I ask you something?” She wrote biting her lower lip.

“Sure.”

“Will you be upset if I wear a skirt to work?” Alex would. That was why she wasn't used to wearing anything that showed much of her skin. He only allowed her to wear more revealing clothes when he wanted to show her off to someone and even then once he got drunk he would get upset with her and downgrade her, comparing her with every other woman that was present.

“No. Why? Is it short?”

He didn't seem to care and Lillie felt relieved.

“It's your body you choose what to wear.” He wrote next and she groaned closing her eyes. Jinki was nothing like Alex and she was blessed to have him in her life. “I don't like guys to look your way but…”

He added probably wondering why she wasn't saying anything back.

“So you will be jealous?”

“Sometimes, I guess. Isn't that a normal feeling when you are in love and scared to lose the other person? You can get a little possessive.”

A little possessive. She could survive with a little. Besides he said in love. His words made her heart tingle.

“Aren't you jealous of me too? You were at the studio!”

He was right and she replied with a shy emoticon.

“Anyway, I want a selca now. I want to see that skirt…or better your legs in it.”

Lillie pressed her lips together.

"Don’t be a ert!"

"I'm not a ert. I just can’t miss the opportunity to see your legs again. Is it really short?"

"No! It is quite decent! Still an old woman in the bus kept looking at me."

"She is sad because she no longer has beautiful legs like yours ..."

She laughed out loud and covered . Jinki always had a way to make her happy even when she was letting her scars get the best of her. She couldn't imagine her life without him anymore and that scared her.

There are eyes that won’t let me go

Slightly filled with tears, they are beautiful, your eyes

Lillie didn't have time to make lunch in the morning so she end up having to go out to buy something. Eventually, she run late again and had rush back to work. She hated running and her stomach hurt when she finally reached her desk. Her hair was a mess and she was sweaty and uncomfortable.

She didn't have time to sit at her desk because Jinho approached her immediately.

"Lillie! Finally! I was getting worried! You always have lunch at your desk."

That was because she needed to save money and was cheaper to bring food than eat outside.

"Something came up and I had to go out to eat!"

"Oh I hope it has nothing to do with the fansign yesterday."

"Oh no! It went very well!"

It was amazing and probably one of the craziest days she had in her life.

"Good! It’s your favorite group right?"

"Yeah, you called me yesterday?"

"Yes Lillie we have to do the class plans. Remember how we need to team up to do them? I’m free this evening after work is it ok for you?"

She had nothing to do besides going home and face a grumpy Jules. She was sure Jules would also be upset again if she acted like her babysitter. Besides the sooner, she got rid of that the sooner he would stop nagging her. He made her really nervous with the way he looked at her.

"Sure."

"Good. I know a place where we can have dinner after it if you want.”

No, being alone with him outside of work was the last thing she wanted. Besides she was Jinki’s girlfriend.

"Oh I can't. Jules is sick and I have to make dinner for her!"

It wasn't a total lie even though she knew they would probably order something to eat. Pizza always managed to cheer up Jules.

"Oh, ok! So we can do it here after work."

It was more complicated than she thought and ended up taking a long time. They were sitting in the meeting room with material lists and sheets describing contents to be taught scattered around the table.

Lillie already took a pill for her headache and could no longer look at Jinho. He wasn't a bad person and was gentle to her but she could read in his eyes that is interest in her wasn't only because he wanted to be her friend. She caught him looking at her chest a few times and at her legs. She was a lot curvier than most Korean women, her thighs were chubbier, and her s were bigger but even though that sounded more attractive it wasn't at all. Men in Korea usually preferred thinner girls, the innocent type. Having a body with curves made guys think that she was more open to something physical which was totally wrong, in her case at least. Jinki seemed to like her body. He was more discreet looking at her but she also caught him sometimes looking at her with a different glow in his eyes. He was a man after all and she was sure he had needs like any other. He probably had with many women already. It made her heart hurt to think about it, how she probably couldn't give him what he wanted for a long time. It was true it didn't scare her when he touched her but was something different.

Jinho’s arm brushed against hers again, something that happened a few times already, and Lillie wasn't sure anymore that it was by mistake.

“I think we can change class 5 mains objective with 7?” She pointed out showing him a sheet of paper and Jinho looked at her his eyes taking several seconds to move from her lips to her eyes. It was too obvious what he was thinking and she looked down at the table hoping that he couldn't see the fear in her eyes.

“That's not a bad idea.” he praised her and then moved his arm behind her chair. She turned around to look at it and then her gaze moved from his hand so close to her back to his face. Jinho raised one eyebrow trying to read her and then hesitantly placed his hand over hers on the table. She immediately jerked away from his touch and he widened his eyes surprised with her reaction.

“Ah- I'm sorry...I…” He started but she was the one who stood up and bowed to him in apology.

She was freaking out and he barely did anything besides touching her hand. “I'm sorry.”

“No, no. I surprised you. Maybe I was a bit eager.”

“No.” She raised her head and embarrassedly looked at him “I can't hold your hand” She couldn't do anything with him at all, not only holding hands.

“A-Alright.” He looked confused but didn't ask her more. “I'll be more careful.”

Suddenly Lillies' phone rang and she took that moment to excuse herself so she could take the call in the hallway.

She sighed of relief once she was outside and leaned against the cold wall. It felt good against her arms and made her calm down enough to answer Jinki’s call. If he ever noticed how broken she was he might leave her. Who would go out with someone so problematic as her?! It was worse for him that was an idol. He could choose another woman to pursue. Someone prettier, more talented, and smart, with a nicer body and less emotional baggage.

"Lillie! Lillie! Where are you?"

His cute voice made her feel guilty. She had to tell him soon.

“I’m at work. Did something happen?”

"You are still at work?” He sounded disappointed “ Oh ... I wanted to surprise you! I’m at the door of your apartment!"

She wanted to see him and if she had gone home after work she would. Now she regretted staying to work with Jinho. "I want to see you!"

"I can pick you up at work if you want."

"No. It’s better if you don't!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm with a coworker and he will wonder who came to get me." That would make Jinho give up on her but wasn't wise.

"Are you alone with him? Is he handsome?"

She bit her lower lip wondering if that was a sign of jealousy.

"I don't know. I’m not interested in him."

"That didn't answer my question."

He didn't seem upset or anything but it still made her nervous. What if all men were like that at the beginning and then turned into Alex. Hard as she tried she couldn't imagine Jinki acting like her ex at all. He was always so gentle and caring. But Alex was like that in the beginning too, before he showed his true self. No. No Jinki was nothing like him. She never felt safe with Alex ever but with Jinki she did.

"Forget it! Go home and rest! I’ll call you when I get home. Okay?"

Jinki didn't answer immediately seeming disappointed. “Alright.”

Lillie turned off the call with a guilty sigh. She felt sick to her stomach and it was becoming harder to control herself while talking with Jinki.

She took a few deep breaths trying to calm down and then got back inside the room where Jinho waited for her. She was miserable and wanted to go home soon.

“I can only stay for one more hour, alright?” She wasn't even sure she could focus on work for ten minutes but would try.

“We won't be able to finish this on time!” Jinho complained “I guess we can finish it another day though.”

Lillie thanked him and they got back to work. It didn't last long.

“I need to be honest with you.” Jinho said after a while and Lillie raised her eyes from the papers to his face. “When you look at me with those eyes I lose my resolve.”

She blinked her eyes wondering what he meant and above all scared of it.

“Your eyes are so expressive and big. So innocent and pure.” She wasn't pure at all though, she didn't feel like it.

“W-what are you saying.”

“Lillie you arent only a coworker for me.”

“Jinho please…” She had to tell him she liked someone else, that she was in a relationship with that person.

“From the first time I saw you you bewitched me. You charmed me!”

Jinho’s words made her froze. They were similar to ones Alex told her before numerous times.

You bewitched me...you are like a witch Lillie...you charm men…

She never could understand what he meant because she never tried to make him fall for her.

And soon they turned into something vile.

You make me want to break you….you charm other men to you like a ...You are worthless...

Her tears filled with tears and panic and she probably looked really scared because Jinho’s expression fell.

“Lillie are you alright?”

She stood up from the table her heart hammering so fast she felt it beat in her head. She grabbed her bag and left the room as fast as she could.

She could hear Jinho call her name apologizing but she didn't stop. She walked even faster and ran all the way outside and only stopped when she reached the bus stop.

The words he said kept echoing in her brain and soon it wasn't Jinho saying them any more. It was Alex and Lillie freaked covering her ears and closing her eyes. She ran away from him to the other side of the world and yet he was still with her. She could never erase the trauma he inflicted on her. She was doomed to be his forever. Lillie was broken and defective and like that she wasn't good for anyone let alone for someone she loved.

Jinki…

She mumbled his name to herself and conjured the image of his smiling face when he hugged her tightly in his arms on the night he gave her the bunny soft toy. It seemed to help and she opened her eyes, allowing for the tears settled on them to fall.

She looked around realizing that she was alone at the bus stop. Slowly she calmed down enough to sit and looked at the cars pass by with empty eyes.

Why couldn't she forget?

At that time she was afraid of everything. She felt ugly, insecure, incompetent, and useless. For a long time, she thought that she was like that. Until she realized that he made her feel that way. It was his way of controlling her. To make her stay by his side. That was not a relationship. She was a prisoner.

He began by winning her family's hearts. Her mother loved him. And gradually she felt that everyone was pushing her into a relationship with him. Yes he treated her well. But she felt nothing for him. He was just a family friend. He convinced her she would fall for him over time. But that never happened.

He said she was cold, heartless. Any woman would have fallen for him a long time ago. Another woman would be his already. After all he did everything for her.

She would never be able to love and he was perfect and understanding because he was dating someone like her.

He forbade her to wear certain types of clothing without his permission. Forbade her to go out with her friends making her believe that only he could like someone as imperfect as her. He was only protecting her after all. Sooner or later they would hurt her.

He said that she had bewitched him. He could never let her go. And with every passing day she hated him a little more.

She tried to end the relationship a few times but was afraid. Her mother said she was crazy for wanting to leave such a good man like him. Her friends had already abandoned her long ago. They didn’t like him and didn’t understand what she was doing next to someone like that. Every day she wanted to disappear.

Once he humiliated her in front of everyone at the restaurant.

She left him alone and he went after her and twisted her arm. It was the first sign of physical abuse and she thought he wouldn't repeat it but he did over and over again until it escalated into things more painful. In his mind she was his property, he owned her because he was the only one who could ever accept someone so disgusting like her. And she started to believe his words.

The bus arrived and opened the doors letting a few people exit. Lillie got up and entered it. She walked to the end of the bus and sat whipping one tear from her cheek. She wasn't his. She couldn't be. She swore she would never be again.

Lillie made her way from the bus stop to her apartment building. She felt exhausted emotionally and maybe she could confide on Jules. After all she knew her secret now. She didn't give all the details but she knew enough to understand why she was freaking out. Jinho probably thought that she was crazy now and she regretted the way she acted in front of him. But if she stayed in the room he would have seen her have a panic attack and that would be worst. The next day she had to speak with him and apologize. Hopefully he thought she was nuts now and would leave her alone.

Lillie sighed when she reached the door of the building and then pressed the code to open the door.

That's when male fingers curled around her wrist making her gasp. She freaked out throwing her bag at the attacker and jerked her arm violently from his hold. The hand released her immediately and she stepped away hitting her back against the door with force.

Her attacker was no other than Jinki and he was looking at her with astonishment. “Lillie?”

She cried gasping realizing how silly she was. He grabbed her arm so gently and yet she acted like a lunatic and she knew exactly why. For years he grabbed her wrist, because she was his. After all, he could touch her when he wanted, and if she complained he would hit her.

She was a scared silly girl.

“Lillie.” Jinki repeated getting closer almost careful and she pushed herself away from the door trying to compose herself. She probably looked terrified and that was confusing him. “It's only me. Did something happen? Are you alright?”

No. She wanted to tell him and hide in his arms away from the voice in her head that wanted to claim her again.

“Yes. You scared me!”

“You looked…” he didn't even finish his sentence and furrowed his brow suspiciously. Lillie bit her lower lip fearing that he would realize what was wrong with her.

He grabbed her bag from the ground and gave it back to her. “Are you alright? You completely freaked out.”

“I'm sorry. I was just scared that it might be a robbery.”

Jinki didn't seem convinced “Well throwing your bag at him isn't a good way to solve it.”

She her lips “Why are you still here though?”

Disappointment crossed his eyes and she regretted her words. He was waiting for her and she was treating him in the most awful of ways. If it wasn't for him she wouldn't have been able to suppress the panic attack she suffered earlier.

Lillie bit her lower lip and her eyes descended to his lips. She wasn't frigid like Alex said. She was capable of love and she could feel desire when she was with Jinki.

He raised one eyebrow trying to read her expression and before he said anything she grabbed his hand firmly and pulled him with her. Jinki followed her inside the building and even though she turned to the emergency stairs ignoring the elevator he didn't say anything. She closed the door behind them and stared in silence at him. They were completely alone and hopefully no one would see them there. She placed her hands on his chest and his eyes fell dangerously on her. She pushed him back and he stepped towards the wall with no resistance his eyes bright with something that might be desire but she wasn't sure. She followed him a few inches between them. He raised a hand to her cheek and Lillie closed her eyes feeling the warmth of it. No, he would never use his hands to hurt her. She knew it inside her, his caresses were filled with tenderness and love.

“Lillie?” he whispered and she opened her eyes and then pressed herself against him. He stared down at her at how she was hugging him tightly burying her face on his chest and a storm of feeling crushed through him. He thought she was going to kiss him, it seemed like that was her intention but eventually it end up like that. He wasn't sure what was wrong with her but something was. The way she acted outside, how her body reacted to his touch and her eyes seemed out of focus, filled with fear. He never saw someone react like that and it worried him.

“Did anyone do something to you?” he asked gently caressing her back hugging her tightly back.

She shook her head. She wasn't lying but he knew she wasn't telling the whole truth either and he feared that he had an idea of what she was hiding. It made his blood boil and he kissed her head. Whatever it was he would protect her. He knew he would.

“Jinki do you think I’m cold?” She asked suddenly raising her eyes to him.

“Cold?”

“Yes. Unable to feel, detached when…” She looked at his chest embarrassed “When you kiss and touch me.”

“No.” The idea was ridiculous to him. She always melted under his touch and when they kissed he was sure she was loving it as much as he did. “On the contrary, you seem very...hot.”

She smiled happy with his answer and then raised her lips to his. Lillie kissed him softly at first but then grasped his sweater and moved eagerly against his. It was the first time she kissed him like that and it left him breathless. If she wanted to prove a point there and show him that she wasn't immune to his caresses then she did it very well.

When she pulled apart she looked down panting and he caressed her back again gently. Her eyes moved up to check his reaction to her heated kiss and Jinki grinned back at her. She was troubled and he didn't want to pressure her into telling him anything. He would wait and take care of her until then.

“That was intense.” She nodded shyly and he pulled her chin up and kissed her again.

In those eyes are sadness as well

I want to know what that is

I will embrace everything of you

Lillie had a heart. She was not cold and the proof was right there. The way her heart beat inside her chest just by being in his arms and the heat she felt rising through her body as his lips touched hers.

Jinki was kissing her again and as if he knew that that was what she wanted he was kissing her in a way they rarely kissed before, his tongue her lips and entering . That used to disgust her but with Jinki it was amazing. Nothing he did to her scared her and she wanted everything that he got to offer. Every time his tongue touched hers her body trembled with desire. His hand moved to her lower back and then he twirled with her in his arms making them change places. Once her back hit the wall, he grabbed her hands and pulled them up firmly above her head, holding them there, and then pressed himself against her with desire, his hips moving against hers in a ual way. It was too overwhelming and similar to what Alex did to her and she struggled to pull free to push him away.

He looked down at her, his eyes were dark studying Lillie and she pressed her lips together and moved her hands down his chest wondering what he was thinking.

He pressed his body against hers again and she softly pushed him away wondering what he was doing. She knew he wouldn't force himself on her but she feared he would get upset or worse, realize she was scared of it.

Jinki groaned and joined his forehead with hers pain in his eyes.

“Did I do something wrong?” She asked and he shook his head.

“No. I'm sorry.” He knew and she freaked out. He knew something was wrong with her. He probably put the pieces all together. All the times she lost it when he touched her and how she reacted at the door and now when he tried to be more aggressive…”I'm really sorry.”

She pressed her lips together and looked away. “You don't have to. I just like to go slow and softer.”

He nodded and she looked at him wondering what he thought he knew. Did he think she was ?! Would he break up with her if she was?! He probably saw the panic in her eyes because he leaned down and kissed her softly. It was filled with care and she hugged him again.

Once he pulled away he caressed her cheeks and Lillie realized she was crying. “What's wrong?”

“I love you.” She said out loud grasping his sweater so he wouldn't leave her “I love you. I love you.”

“I love you too.” he smiled reassuringly at her and Lillie whimpered because only that made her feel better. She moved her hands down his chest feeling the outlines of his muscles and he watched her carefully. She wasn't scared of him and she wanted him to know that even though she was broken she wanted him with every cell of her body.

She closed her eyes and kissed him, moving her tongue against his lips so that he knew what she wanted. He kissed her with no restraint and she got braver and slide her hands under his sweater feeling his skin against her fingertips. Jinki groaned against her lips which made her ache between her legs. He grabbed her by her waist and pressed himself against her again but this time gentler and she didn't push him away. Even when she felt his hard bulge against her she didn't feel any hint of fear. Slowly his kisses became softer and he stepped away and turned his back to her.

Lillie watched him disappointed that he stopped it but she knew why he did. They were losing control. He cleared his throat still with his back to her and both took their time calming down.

“Wow.” he mumbled before chucking. He turned around to look at her and she smiled back at him. He looked so y with his lips swollen from kissing and his hair messed up. Jinki stepped closer and touched her lower lip, running a finger over it almost possessively. It didn't frighten her because his eyes were filled with love and desire too.

“You touched me. I want to touch you too.” He confessed looking down at the hem of her blouse and she blushed remembering how the muscles of his tummy felt against her fingers.

“You can touch me.”

“I’m going crazy.” He confessed closing his eyes and then placed his hand over her blouse, over her stomach. Lillie didn't flinch and instead raised her blouse up revealing her soft skin underneath.

“I'm not fit as the women you usually…” he didn't let her finish and kissed her again. Jinki didn't care about other women. He cared only for her.

His fingers moved hesitantly on her tummy and to her ribs and she gasped when he let his fingers move up and under her bra. He didn't try more and let his hand there warm against her skin. Even when their lips parted he didn't move his hand from there.

“This is killing me!” He remarked and both laughed.

“I'm happy to see you.” She tried to justify her actions but he knew it was more than that. “Thank you, for everything.”

He blinked his eyes now used to those words but he still didn't know what she fully meant with them and he wanted to know.

She giggled and then wrapped her arms around him again. He shifted with her in his arms and his hands moved under her clothes to her back. She was all soft and hot and he loved it.

“We should take a picture together.” She announced pulling away enough to look at him.

“A picture?”

“The one kissing.”

He grinned loving the idea and she waited patiently for him to take his phone from his coat pocket to take it. He raised it to do it and then turned his face to hers. She kissed him passionately and Jinki blinked his eyes a few minutes trying to find the right angle and then giving up and kissing her instead. He took several pictures with his eyes closed. One of them would end up good. If not they could kiss again.

It’s beautiful

Give me all of your scars

It’s beautiful

Your existence alone is beautiful girl

They weren't sure how long they were sitting on the stairs but Lillie felt faint with all the kissing and caressing. That was the first time she did that with someone, the first time she realized what making out truly was. It was amazing and she didn't want Jinki to stop touching her and kissing her. She wasn't sure if it was because of what she asked him but he was trying hard to make her feel hot when he didn't have to try so hard. He could do it easily.

His arm was wrapped protectively around her body and his mouth was on her neck for a while now kissing, and , exploring her skin there. Every time he breathed against it she shivered in pleasure. She was so happy she couldn't stop sighing enamored. His free hand was holding her hand over her lap, their fingers intertwined and it was so romantic Lillie wanted time to stop. She turned her head giving him more access to her neck and he moaned delivering another of his wet open-mouthed kisses that would leave a mark. She didn't care.

His hand moved on her back and he pulled away to place it on her leg instead.

“Is this the skirt?” he asked and she nodded.

He bent forward and kissed her skin over her knee “I'm sure she was jealous. Your legs are beautiful!”

She giggled and leaned her head against his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her again and they stood in silence.

They probably should go up but she didn't want to take him to her bedroom because it might happen and she wasn't still sure if she was ready for it but if they stayed in the living room Jules was there and they couldn't kiss.

Lillie peeked at him and he smiled back at her.

“You look at me with eyes filled with love.” he whispered and she pressed her embarrassed face against his chest.

It was true. He was her treasure. He never thought she was useless, he said she gave color to his life.

It was amazing how her fear of being touched, how her memories of Alex pushed her right into his arms, into being more intimate with Jinki. They kissed and hugged before but not like that. She was always a shy mess around him and now, she even kissed him with her tongue and she wanted to do it again and again.

“Want to go upstairs?” he asked and she turned to him and kissed him again running her fingers on his hair. He inhaled against her lips wrapping both his arms around her making her slide on the step closer to him. “I guess that's a no.” he said against her lips and she caressed his neck overwhelmed with the need she felt for him. She wanted to do it with him even if she wasn't sure she was ready. She wanted to be his.

Jinki kissed her cheek and then her lips again and again and her heart tingled with need and love.

“I don't know what is wrong.” he said after a while kissing her temple “But you know you can tell me anything. It won't change us.” He squeezed her shoulder and Lillie knew what he was trying to say “It doesn't change how I feel for you.”

He didn't know exactly what it was but he suspected it. She wanted to believe his words, she had to or she feared she would never be able to tell him. Lillie loved Jinki too much to let him go.

”I know. I need time.” pain crossed his features because her answer only confirmed that something did happen. “Just kiss me for now.”

He nodded “You don't have to ask.” His hand moved on her neck and he tilted her head to kiss her again.

The sound of her phone ringing resonate through the stairs and she broke the kiss to take it from her bag. Jinki run his fingers on her hair while Lillie checked the caller.

It was Jules.

“She is worried about me.”

“You better go. You must be hungry and it's late. Tomorrow I’ll try to find some time to be with you again.”

“You can stay and maybe….sleep here.”

Jinki shook his head, his ears a bit red. Was he blushing?!

“Lillie, I thought we said that…”

“It's not that. I mean it's also that. I want it but I'm not sure I …” She stuttered and he caressed her wrist calming her down “I only want to sleep together. I want to hold the real dubu to sleep.”

He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair “That is going to be my death for sure and after all this kissing…”

She knew what he meant. She was aroused too, something she never thought could be possible.

“Tomorrow we will talk about this. Today I really can't. Manager Minho is still mad at me because of yesterday. It was too risky. If the company finds out it’s not going to be good."

That's why the manager barely spoke to her. Of course the company didn’t know about her existence which was normal.

"Yeah! Send me the selca with the kiss! I also want to keep it! You never sent the one you promised me from the photoshoot! "

He smiled and kissed her again.

“I will give you an autographed magazine!”

I will embrace all of you

All of you, all of you

I will embrace you

All of you, you’re my girl

Lillie’s legs were trembling when she entered her apartment but she was absolutely happy with the step they took in their relationship. That making out session made them more intimate and she lowered her defenses a little and now was able to touch him more freely. She felt...braver, stronger, and loved. It was all so new to her and she never felt so powerful and it was all thanks to Jinki.

The sound of something breaking made her freeze and once again dark familiarity assaulted her. However this time she wasn't the one in the middle of the quarrel and Jules pushed Minjae out from her bedroom and into the living room.

His face contorted in pain and when his eyes met Lillie's he nodded but didn't utter a word.

“Get out!” Jules said behind him seeming to ignore Lillie’s presence. “GET OUT!”

Lillie swallowed hard thankful that she didn't come upstairs with Jinki. At least he didn't have to witness that.

“If this is all you have to say then you don't need to look at my face again!” Jules cried out, her face red with anger.

“Julesy…” Minjae tried to hug her but she stepped back ready to hit him if necessary and Lillie knew she would do it. She could seem weak but she was fire when she was upset.

“Don’t call me that anymore!”

“Jules!” he tried again his throat releasing a struggled sound of pain “I’ sorry! I know you don’t believe it but I love you. I was confused. I dated her for years…”

“Then go back to her!” She bit her lower lip and raised her fist ready to punch him if he spoke again “It's over! Fix your heart and I’ll fix mine!”

She turned around and without a word retreated into her bedroom hitting the door behind her.

Minjae stared at the door with longing and regret and Lillie almost felt sorry for him. Maybe he did love Jules in his own selfish way but even so if its something bringing pain to the other the best thing was to go separate ways. Alex did say he loved her too and maybe he did in a wicked scary way. There were many types of love out there and some weren't the healthier ones.

“You better leave.” Lillie opened the door of the apartment.

Minjae took a deep breath and then walked to the door but stood in front of Lillie. “You must think that I'm an .”

“She is my best friend. I shouldn't judge but...you hurt her.”

He smiled bitterly. “I do love her. Will you take care of her?”

“I will, of course.” Minjae hesitated “Jinki is a good guy. He won't hurt you.”

His words made Lillie swallow hard and she grabbed Minjae’s coat sleeve stopping him from leaving.

“You can change. Everyone can change if they want.” She was changing. Slowly but she was doing it.

He smiled weakly at her and nodded.

Lillie made dinner for Jules that night. She wasn't the best cook ever but she followed the recipe the best she could. She wanted to cheer her up and there weren't many ways to do it. They sat on the couch eating, listening to SHINee music, and drinking wine. Well Jules drank way more than Lillie that didn't like it much.

Beautiful started playing, a song Lillie especially liked and Jules laid down over the couch and placed her legs over Lillie’s lap.

They were sharing more about them now as if a broken heart and scars were able to make them closer. Lillie told Jules about what happened with Jinho and then with Jinki. Jules didn't make fun of her, she didn't even when she described how her heart was going nuts when Jinki touched her. And then Jules shared with her how many of her relationships went wrong, how she seemed to always choose the bad guys, the ones that would break her heart.

I know that it’s awkward

Come closer to me

Whisper it in my ear

I will listen to your story

It’s beautiful

Give me all of your scars

You’re beautiful

It’ll all be alright when you’re in my arms

Eventually they ran out of things to say and sat listening to the music instead.

"Jonghyun sings so well ..." Jules observed startling Lillie that was getting sleepy.

She nodded agreeing with Jules and then a crazy idea crossed her mind. Lately Jules developed a crush on Jonghyun, and she was a shawol even if she didn't fully admit it. Once SHINee was able to help Lillie, to make her smile when she felt the worst. Maybe that could work too.

She stood up from the couch and Jules watched her while she walked to the door and put her coat on.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to get something. I’ll be fast!”

Jules sat up “Its late Lillie, not safe to walk around at this hour.”

“Don't worry! I know what I’m doing!”

She hoped she did.

Lillie waited in the park at the place she often met Jinki. It was deserted at that time of the night and she felt a little scared. A noise startled her until she realized it was Jinki running in her direction. He took a moment to recover his breath and then grabbed her arm.

“Are you nuts? I told you I would bring it to your apartment.”

“No, You are already doing me a favor!”

Jinki groaned and then kissed her lips. It was familiar and filled with tenderness and Lillie placed her hands on his chest loving the way she felt his muscles underneath. He was so warm and her fingers were so cold.

He pulled away and smiled at her “I'm driving you home though.”

She nodded preferring it over going back alone.

“I'm sorry if I bothered you.” She called him as soon as she left the apartment. It didn't seem like he was sleeping but still…

“It's alright. I wasn't doing anything important.”

“Do you have it?” She asked eyeing his hand where a paper bag was.

He gave it to her. “He didn't mind. I told you he wouldn't.”

“Thank you so much. Did you tell him who it was for?”

“Yes!”

“I need to thank him properly when I see him next time.”

Jinki caressed her cheek and she giggled happily that that was going well.

“You think it will make her feel better?” Jinki asked and she nodded.

“It worked with me in the past. When I was feeling sad and desperate I always listened to your music. I always saw your videos. It made me truly happy and I felt less alone.”

His eyes filled with pain again and she swallowed hard remembering how he looked at her like that when he scared her by being rougher.

“What did he send?” She asked trying to change the topic back to Jules. She peeked inside and took out SHINee’s last album. It was signed by Jonghyun and he even made a little heart next to Jules's name.

“He also recorded her a small video. I'll send it to your kakao talk.”

“That's perfect.”

Jinki parked his car and then walked her to her door even though it wasn't necessary. She didn't mind it. It meant more time together and made her feel safer.

He smiled brightly at her when she turned her back to the door and looked at him.

“Thank you, truly.”

“It's nothing. For you I’ll do anything.” His words were lovely and she wanted to believe him.

She raised her eyes to his and the intensity in them took her breath away. He wanted to kiss her as badly as she wanted to kiss him and not as they kissed at the park, but how they kissed that afternoon.

However he kissed her forehead instead and ran his fingertips in her cheek making her heart flutter.

“I'll call you tomorrow.”

She nodded and before he left she kissed his lips quickly. He squeezed her hand and then turned to go back to his car.

Lillie watched him her heart beating faster. She trusted Jinki like she never trusted any man besides her father and brother. She didn't want to lie to him as she lied to her family. She wanted him to love all of her, even her scars.

“Jinki!” She called his name and he turned to look at her.

“I want to tell you everything. There won't be any secrets between us. I want you to know all of me, even the parts I hate.”

He seemed a little taken aback but then nodded “I'm here to listen to you when you want. You can give me your scars.”

“I know!”

She smiled at him radiantly with eyes filled with hope and then entered the building.

Jinki swallowed hard and walked slowly back to his car. His chest hurt.

That afternoon they got more intimate and it was amazing but at the same time he knew something was wrong with her. He was rougher on purpose testing her and what he saw in her eyes when he tried to grab her and push his hips against her in a ual way was pure fear. Someone abused her in the past and even though he didn't know the intensity of what happened to her it made him insanely angry and worried.

She wanted to tell him, she trusted him enough for that and they even make out like they never did. She also seemed eager to be with him physically even though he had to be gentle with her. He didn't mind. He was kind after all and he would never hurt her in any way. He meant it. He would do anything for her and it frightened him how much he loved her, how he wanted to protect her with every fiber of his body.

Someone caused pain to her in the past, and he knew there was nothing he could do to change that. However regardless of what she had to tell him he was sure he would love her the same, maybe even more.

It’s beautiful

I want to hug you, come to me

It’s beautiful

Your existence alone is beautiful girl

To the edge of my heart

Waves of happiness endlessly come

When I see your smile

I am endlessly moved, amazingly blessed

Your existence alone is not enough to show me

Your sweet passion, your shy breaths

The small movements toward each other

You’re beautiful

Jules freaked out when she saw the video. It was Jonghyun singing Y si fuera Ella only for her. The dream of any fangirl and Lillie watched Jules from her seat on the couch happy that she liked it.

"Lillie you are crazy! You forced him to record this?"

"No. Jinki asked him for me. I did tell him to promise him that I would defend him whenever someone called him shorty in the fandom!"

Jules laughed and Lillie sighed relieved. Her laughter turned into tears pretty fast though and she quickly hugged her friend.

"It will get better Jules!"

"I know sweetie!"

Jules sniffed and grabbed her signed album next. "Thank you!"

"Oh it’s nothing special!"

"I didn't mean this! I meant all!"

"Aigo! Don’t be silly!"

"You know what I'll do in return? Tomorrow we are going shopping! Let's buy lovely clothes for you to wear with your boyfriend. And I’m going to hunt again!"

"Let's do that!"

"And then you can introduce me to Jonghyun!"

Lillie’s smile faded. Jules was the kind to not give up when she had an idea and she knew exactly who she wanted to hunt down.

Changed so much in this chapter, but now it makes a lot more sense with the rest of the story I wanted to convey. It pleases me that now I am able to express myself better and that is why I'm rewriting this whole story.