(Good luck reading this....cough cough...)

It’s wasn’t that bad!

Lillie tried to persuade herself while she read more opinions of shawols about Onew dating.

Lately she avoided reading news about SHINee, entering the fansites or even twitter. Onew advised her to do so because she could end up hurt with what some fans had to say.

However Lillie decided to not follow his advice anymore and see for herself what they were saying.

Besides she was bored. She finished all her lesson preparations for the week and she spent half an hour drawing small doodles on the side of her notebook.

The first encounter she had with shawols after Jinki announced that he was dating was awkward. She was afraid her fellow shawols would connect the dots and point her out as his girlfriend but they didn’t. They barely discussed the subject because some were still in denial saying that maybe he said that so people would stop linking him to Mi-Young. He was only protecting her. Others simply didn’t want to talk about something so painful. And others accepted it as something natural that would happen soon or later.

The comments online weren’t that bad now. Most people were supporting Onew and sending him good messages on fansites or on sns, telling him that they were curious about the woman who snatched his heart and telling him to be careful with her.

Some of those comments made Lillie laugh so they weren’t that bad.

Of course others were mean, telling him that he always pretended to be innocent when he was out seducing women, or wishing that they would break up soon.

There are always two sides to something. She was happy living a dream like story with Onew but his fans were sad because their dream like story was ending.

Lillie sighed drawing with her pen on the white sheet of her notebook. Maybe she could write more things on her To do list with Jinki.

She stretched her arm picking up her bag from the floor and searched inside it to take out the list, unfolding it and smoothing the fold marks so she could write another item.

Tell everyone we are dating.

Make shawols proud.

She bit on her pen in thought admiring how they crossed out some of the items of her list already.

She still had some like asking Onew for driving lessons. He promised he would give her lessons before when he gave her a ride home before they started dating.

Swimming with Onew. She was terrible at it because she was a self-learner and she hoped that he would help her with that.

Making love under the stars. Since they promised to do it once spring came. It did come and go and they didn’t do it.

Go to the zoo together. She wanted to see penguins with him. Only the thought made her warm inside.

Go on vacation together. She wanted to spend a longer time alone with him, more than a weekend. Every time she thought about that weekend they spent together she felt refreshed.

Watch a baseball game together. She wasn’t into the game and she barely knew anything about it but Jinki seemed to like it since he mentioned it sometimes.

Go Ice skating. She wanted to try it even though she was probably awful at it. No problem. They could fall together like they do in dramas.

Visit the Aquarium. After knowing sushi, the fish Jinki named at their short vacation together, she felt like going with him. All the fishes they could name…

Lock their names at Namsan Tower. It was imperious to do it when you live in Korea.

Lillie wasn’t stupid. She made the list and added all her wishes to it like Jinki told her to do but she knew that she would never even do half of them with Jinki.

Most of them were impossible to do so with someone famous. Going to the zoo with Jinki or an amusement park was madness. Going on a long vacation was almost impossible to someone like him who barely had three days off.

Still she wrote something on it every day. Sometimes it was something big like riding a plane together, others it was something plain like reading a book together.

The most important was to keep believing in their relationship.

 

 

“No. You are singing too high!” Jinki corrected the woman with black curly hair and pink highlights that was caught on a ponytail. Min Hee, the main singer of the rookie group S4, which once in a while had singing lessons with Onew and other SM idols blushed, lowering her eyes.

Jinki felt terrible for correcting her, since she always seemed so defeated, but wasn’t that the whole meaning of those lessons?!

“I’m sorry if I’m being too strict. I’m just trying to help.”

“I know, and I’m really thankful oppa. You are always so good to me!” Min Hee sent him one of her beautiful smiles and he nodded his head, looking at her eyes. She had very stunning greenish eyes that could intimidate anyone. Also she had a really sweet voice and sang beautifully. He admired her for that and her hardworking personality. She hardly gave up on something she really wanted. And that trait of her was very similar to someone Jinki valued deeply, Taemin.

“Try again!” Jinki asked, and Min Hee started singing one of his favorite ballads, closing her eyes while she tried to give feelings to her words.

He watched her in silence, drinking her words and admiring her voice.

Once she finished the part of the song she always missed he clapped his hands. “You did great!”

“Thank you!” She beamed at him but he was already moving his hands on his pockets since his cellphone was ringing. “Damn…” He mumbled noticing how his pockets were empty.

“Did you lose it?” She asked.

“Well it has to be in the room since its ringing here!”

His cute observation made her smile and both quieted down to listen to it ring.

“THERE!” She screamed kneeling on the floor and searching under the bench. Jinki saw her lift her and he looked away embarrassed. She had a nice . Actually she had a very nice body and he felt uncomfortable around her when she wear clothes that showed her cleavage.

Min Hee stood up and gave the phone back to him.

He barely thanked her quickly picking up the call before the person calling would turn it off.

“I’m sorry. I lost my phone and I had to search for it…” He walked away but she could still hear him talk.

“Let’s have dinner together. I’ll pick you up at work and then I can come back!”

Min Hee expression fell once she realized he was speaking to his girlfriend. She wasn’t dumb. She knew he was attracted to her, after all he was a man and men are normally animals of instinct. She often tried to wear clothes that would highlight her body and make him drool a little more; she always choose songs he often said in the media that he liked and she always tried to act in a way that she thought he liked. Until now she seemed to be getting closer to him but even though he was attracted to her something was missing and preventing him to have anything with her. He didn’t seem interested in her, only in her potential as a singer.

She knew why. His girlfriend! He loved her. It was so clear how he would stop the lessons once in a while to text her, smiling like a lovesick full, how he would call her, whispering words of love, how he often left the lessons running to go and meet her because he was late.

Also the public statement he released telling everyone he was dating was a huge thing and Min Hee heard some rumors about how they would invite his girlfriend to the building for some advising on dealing with the press. She knew it was true because one of her team members had an affair with a big name inside the company.

“Hum…now. I’ll pick you up now!” He said happily as if he was a small bunny who got a fresh carrot and Min Hee sulked because that meant that their lesson was over and worse that he wouldn’t accept her invitation for dinner.

“See you soon tokki!” He said with a deep y voice that made Min Hee go all weak on her legs imagining him speak to her like that. How she wish he did and called her by a sweet name too.

Jinki turned off the call and bowed to her with an apologetically look “I’m sorry. Something came up and I need to go.”

“Next week again?” She said masking her sadness.

“Oh I can’t next week!” He said absent minded, his mind clearly on something else, his girlfriend.

Min Hee sulked watching him grab his coat and placing his black beanie on his head. She didn’t know when she would have an opportunity to talk with him so she decided to try now.

“Oppa…”

Jinki seemed surprised and turned around, fixing his coat.

“Can I ask you something?” She was hoping to seduce him and make him invite her but since he was in love that was hard. Yet she still had to try, even if she sounded easy. “Do you want to have lunch together one of these days?”

He watched her expressionless, which made her worried since he always looked upset when he wasn’t smiling. She couldn’t read him and that frustrated her. She wondered if his girlfriend could read him, if she knew what he liked or how he would react to the things she said.

“Aaah Min Hee-ssi…” He mumbled, the way he addressed her formally was not ignored by her. “Don’t get me wrong but I’m doing this because you said you needed help and because I’m your sunbae not because I’m interested in something else.” He seemed a little uncomfortable with the idea “I have a girlfriend!”

“I know. I just thought…sometimes…I mean…you seem to think I’m attractive…” She knew she said the wrong thing because his expression hardened. That she could read. He was upset.

“Yes you are pretty, that doesn’t mean I want to cheat on my girlfriend!”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean…”

“No. I’m sorry.” He said more gently “You got it all wrong. Maybe we should stop meeting for singing lessons. I’m terrible sorry you got the wrong impression. Have a good day!” He bowed formally and walked away leaving her alone.

Min Hee angrily sat on the bench. She was so upset with herself and so jealous of his girlfriend. She grabbed her bag and stared at the piano where he was playing a few minutes before. Maybe Jinki wasn’t for her at all. Maybe she needed to move one and forget her crush.

Some crushes aren’t meant to come true.

 

 

“What are you doing?” Jinki asked from Lillie’s bed where he was lying in the middle of her pillows. He felt like napping but he still had to go to practice.

She didn’t answer and he rose his head just when she jumped on the bed with a small pile of papers, a notebook and pencil case.

“Are you going to work while I’m here?” he asked pouting, making her chuckle. He watched her wearing her blue pajamas with yellow stars and her hair caught on a bun. Only her reading glasses were missing to make her look like the peasant he fell in love with, that was in reality a princess in disguise. He grinned with his thoughts and she glanced at him confused, placing the papers over the bed and grabbing a small plastic bag from over it.

He watched while she grabbed a round pink candy from inside it and placed it against his lips.

He frowned and she opened doing a AH sound for him to open it. He did so and she placed the candy inside his mouth watching him while he on it.

“Strawberry!” He said tilting his head “Why am I eating candy?”

“You were a good boy, picking me up from work and buying dinner, so you deserve it!” She answered caressing his forehead “I’m going to eat a yellow one.”

“Lemon?” He smiled moving the candy inside his mouth “I love the taste of lemon!”

She smiled knowing what he was thinking and he sat on the bed “Let’s trade it. My strawberry one for your lemon one.

“You ert!” She laughed and he made an innocent face.

“Why? I only asked to trade.”

“How? With a kiss?”

“OH!” He raised an accusatory finger at her “I was thinking about spiting it out…not with a kiss. You are the ert one!”

She blushed pushing him playfully and he laughed at her still teasing her “You want that badly to exchange spit with me? Is that it? Ewwww!”

He was acting like a kid and she upset pushed him down on the bed climbing on top of me while he laughed. Soon his laughter died and she released her hair seductively making him choke on the candy.

“Damn Lillie!” he swallowed while she moved her hands to the buttons of her pajama.

“How long do you have?” She raised an eyebrow seductively and he groaned because he had to go to practice soon.

“Only 15 minutes….”

“That’s bad!” she made a sad face and Jinki felt his heart sink in. Her hands moved from her pajama to each side of him and she leaned over him kissing his lips.

He answered to the kiss until he felt her tongue him. She wanted to play and he opened his mouth too feeling the taste of lemon enter his. She didn’t have the candy already, because like his, it already melted in , yet she tasted like it. He probably also tasted like strawberry and he knew she was loving it because her hands moved to his chest caressing him over his green sweater.

She moved back and took a deep breath watching him with a mischievous grin. Lillie planed it. He was sure now. She gave him the candy so she could kiss him.

He smiled back watching her move from his lap.

“I also have to work…”

He saw her grab her pencil case and he moved to pick up her notebook, his eyes moving from a task list she made to a couple drawing on the side of the paper.

“Is this me?”

He pointed at a small drawing of a boy with bunny ears hugging a penguin plushy.

“Yes!” She chuckled embarrassed and he tilted his head, admiring the other drawings. She also had one that looked like her sleeping, a dream bubble over her head where a couple of bunnies were jumping over a fence.

“This is adorable!” He commented “Did you have drawing lessons?”

He remembered the cute drawings she made on the clue cards during the birthday surprise she prepared for him.

“No. Never. Why?”

“They are very good. I wish Kibum could see them. Can I take some with me?”

“What?” She stole the notebook from him embarrassed “Of course not. They are awful!”

“No. Not at all. They are amazing. You are good. You actually should have lessons and maybe use this as a line of work.”

She stared at him as if has grown a pair of bunny ears on his head.

“What?”

“You mean that I could actually draw for a living?”

“Well not a living but you could do it at a part time job. Lots of people do so. You could customize things with your art.”

“Jinki these are doodles.” She couldn’t see how she could get money doing doodles.

“Exactly! Imagine what you can do when you really try hard!” He grabbed the notebook back , his eyes on the sheet of paper “Look, I also once thought that singing was only an hobby, that I wasn’t good enough and now look at me. Try it!”

He ripped a sheet with doodles and folded it carefully “I’m taking this to show Kibum. Maybe he knows where you can start.”

“Start…” She didn’t even could understand what he meant. But one thing she was sure. She found her hobby.

“You need a name. Everyone has a name for their art.”

“Name? “

“Yes like Lillie’s art or Tokki doodles…”

“Or PeasanArt?” She added in a joking matter.

“That’s nice too!”

She laughed out loud at his serious expression and he frowned “I mean it! You should try it. Find a name that fits you and do it!”

She ignored him moving from the bed with her notebook so that he wouldn’t steal more of her doodles. He watched her until his eyes fell on the bags near her closet.

“You are packing already!” He said trying to hide his sadness.

“I have to. Its only two weeks but I think I’ll bring some gifts for my parents too. Besides it’s already next week…”

“I know!” He did. He was counting the days like she was. However the reasons were different. She was counting them because she wanted to see her parents and he was counting because it meant he won’t see her for two weeks.

Lillie sat on the bed in front of him and cupped his face “We spent longer away from each other.”

“It’s different. I was busy back then so time went by quickly.”

“Not for me!” She complained and he pulled her to his arms, both rolling on the bed stopping with him on top of her.

“What am I going to do without you? South Korea is a sad place if you are not here!”

She raised her head and kissed him “I’ll think about you all the time and Ill text you and call you an awful lot!”

“Why do I feel like we are inverting roles this time?” She chuckled and he kissed her “One call a day is enough Lillie. I’ll miss you though.”

“I’ll miss you too!” She circled his neck with her arms when he kissed her again.

Two weeks was bearable. A life time wasn’t…

 

 

“I bought the Tokyo Dome tickets!” Jules said in a casual way drinking from the beer bottle, they were sharing.

Kibum smiled at her stretching his legs. Lately they normally would date inside his apartment so visiting the Han River and sharing some snacks while drinking beer was something refreshing, even if it was very cold and they had to stay inside the car.

“So you really are going?” She wasn’t sure if she would be able to make it and they talked about it before.

“Of course! I wouldn’t miss it. Also I bought Lillie a ticket too. She doesn’t know and she will scold me since she doesn’t have money to pay me for the trip but I don’t care. I think that she will enjoy it a lot!”

“You do realize that Jinki will probably pay for her if you didn’t.”

“I know. But I want to do this for her. “Kibum took the bottle from Jules hand and drank from it.

“I wonder how they don’t freeze!” He commented watching some couples walk by the river, so close that you barely could see when one finished and the other started.

“They keep close and the power of love keeps them warm!” Jules said chuckling and Kibum opened the door of the car making her look at him “Close that for god’s sake.”

“No. Let’s go too. The power of love will protect us!”

“Are you ing nuts?” She asked watching him walk around the car and opening the door for her. She fought with him shaking her head but he insisted .

“Open the door Jules. I’m freezing!!”

She let go of the door “EXACTLY! GET INSIDE QUICKLY!”

“Inside you?” He asked mischievously and she laughed while he pulled her outside.

“You ert!”

He didn’t answer to that instead he locked the car and pulled her hand to his coat pocket, both walking close to each other, trying to share the little warmth they had.

“Are you warm?” She asked after they walked for a while, their mouths hidden by their heavy scarves, heads hidden on the hood of their coats.

He looked at her with a red nose and she laughed with his expression.

“Guess the power of love is not blessing us!”

“I told you so! That only works on couples like Lillie and Jinki!”

“Why?”

“Cos they don’t live in the real world. They are what inspires music and books…”

“What do we inspire?” Kibum asked turning around with Jules so they could walk back to his car.

“We inspire each other hopefully…”

He was going to keep joking with the matter when they saw Minjae walking in their direction with a woman, both also looking like them, hidden behind their heavy winter clothing.

Kibum almost stop on his track but Jules tightened the grip on his hand and pulled him forward in the direction of the couple.

They walked by them, with Jules not even giving him a second look, walking with the same pace and they stood  in silence until she decided to speak “That could have been awkward!”

“It wasn’t?” Kibum asked glancing at her.

“I don’t think about him anymore!” She crossed her arm with his instead, leaving the walk by the river and walking for the parking lot now. “I love you!”

That was enough for her to explain why Minjae wasn’t important anymore. She felt proud of herself and that made her laugh.

“I dated Minjae for years thinking that maybe he was the best I could ever have. Now that I think about it I’m no different from Lillie who always thought Alex was all she deserved.”

She released Kibum and they faced each other.

“But then somehow that stupid rabbit girl told me her story and I decided that Minjae would never treat me like that anymore. I always used to say that no man would treat me like crap but love can really change you I guess.” She fixed the hood of her black coat “After Minjae I decided to go after what I always thought I wanted, a man like Jonghyun, gentle, a gentleman. That didn’t go well!” She chuckled but Kibum didn’t. He didn’t like to remember that they once kissed. It freaked him out a little that she kissed someone he saw as a brother. “Then you came and decided to hook me up with Minho and oh god I wanted to punch you because…because…you were so frustrating and yet adorable!”

“Hey…”

“Really…and so damn handsome and y and…such an amazing person.” She sighed out of words “And I wanted you! I didn’t even know why I wanted you so much but I did. Which is crazy since you were my least favorite SHINee member!”

“I was?” He seemed offended and she grabbed his cold hand on hers.

“You are my favorite person in the whole word. I guess that is one hundred percent better than being my favorite SHINee member. I still have Jonghyun as bias…”

He rolled his eyes before pulling her to his embrace.

“I love you too Jules. I know that sometimes I can be a little hard to deal with and we certainly bicker a lot but…”

“We make up a lot!”

They both smiled.

“Yes we do! That’s what people who work for their relationships do, people who love each other, we are serious about each other.”

“Is this a real confession Kibum?”

“Yes. I truly love you Jules. This is a real confession!”

She smiled, her blonde hair escaping her hood, and she pulled him down for a heated kiss, his hands grabbing her to get her closer to him so they would be like the other couples walking by, the ones you couldn’t see where one started and the other ended. They bumped their cold noses against each other, smiling like two idiots, like the kind of couples they used to make fun off before.

Jules moved away snuggling her head against his chest and he smiled because they were probably thinking about the same thing.

They were too similar to not be thinking about it.

“Guess we are like Lillie and Jinki!” Kibum said caressing her back.

“Yes. I feel the power of love warming me!” She added making him chuckle. “Still it’s better to get warmer at your place.”

“With a glass of wine and…”

“…a bed!”

Seemed perfect to him.

 

 

“And this too!” Jinki said happily placing a collection of pencils, and several drawing materials and art school flyers in front of Lillie on her bed.

She didn’t answer and grabbed one of the flyers uncertain. It was just a couple doodles and he was making such a huge thing out of it.

“Kibum says this one is nice. He helped me pick up some of this and he saw what you did and he thinks you might be good with proper training.”

“Jinki…” Lillie grabbed the several flyers “This must be hell expensive and has a I said It’s only a…”

“A hobby! I know and it can be a very good hobby for you and I don’t mind paying for the lessons.

“You are paying too many things for me lately.” She said bitterly and he shook his head knowing that the money talk was coming back.

“I call it investment. I’m investing in the happiness of the woman I love. If she is happy she makes me happy so in the end I’m the one who wins.”

She complained puckering her lips and he kissed her. “Don’t make that face and promise me that you will think about it. That you won’t stop drawing.”

“Why are you so invested in this? I really don’t understand!”

“Lillie you spent half your life thinking you were useless, untalented, ugly and unlovable. I want to prove you that you are mistaken in all of that. You are pretty and talented and I love you so…”

She leaned her head against his chest defeated “I promise! I won’t stop drawing!”

He giggled pushing her away so he could collect the drawing materials inside the plastic bag once again. She helped him.

“You need to repay me though!” He said in a low voice making her suspicious of his intentions.

“You said it was an investment!” Lillie complained when he placed the bag on the floor and pulled her closer to him, making her lie down on the bed.

“Make out session pays it all!”

“I knew it!” she chuckled when he moved to kiss her neck and she moved her knees hitting him by mistake making him whimper.

“OH MY GOD, IM SORRY!”  She screamed caressing his head while he moved on top of her complaining with the pain.

“Did I hurt you?” She asked worried and he looked at her with a crying face before “dying” over her.

She chuckled with his cuteness ad moved her hips but he didn’t move, still lying on top of her as if he was dead, his eyes closed and tongue out.

“Am I dating a 5 years old boy or what?!” She complained making him smile softly closing his mouth but still he didn’t move.

“I’m going to hit dubulge this time!”

“If you do that you also will suffer.” He said still not moving.

“That’s true! I value dubulge too much…then!” She pretended to think for a while and then moved her fingers to the buttons of her pajama. “I’m feeling hot suddenly; maybe I can take my pajama off!”

He didn’t move and she ed the two top buttons trying to pull his head away but failed.

“JINKI!” She screamed frustrated now because he wasn’t moving at all.

She tried changing her tone of voice to something softer “Please Jinki….”

He still didn’t react until she remembered his weak spot. She didn’t use it in a while and she wondered if he still liked it. She could try. Lillie closed her eyes, cringing at what she was going to do but it was worth the try. “Oppa, tokki wants to get for you!”

He seemed to react at the word oppa and she kept going “Please oppa, let me get so you could touch me…”

He raised his head and looked at her. She gulped with his intense expression. She would never get used to his y side ever. Not that she wanted to. She wished to feel those butterflies inside her stomach forever.

“Oppa I’m going to get now, ok?” She said grinning ing the rest of the buttons of her pajama revealing her bare s for him.

He his dry lips, raising his body so he could watch her doing it.

She stopped looking at him, at how his eyes roomed her body and get back to her s and her s that were hard only because of his gaze on her.

“Why did you stop?” He asked looking back at her eyes. “Take off your pants too. You said you would get !”

“Gosh you !” She answered back pulling her pants down her hips, struggling to do so with him on top of her. He sat by her side, and helped her pull it down her legs so she would stay only with her .

Lillie crossed her arms over her s feeling too when he was fully dressed but once he frowned noticing it she uncovered them. She was being silly! Lillie wasn’t shy anymore. She didn’t mind that he saw her now, she wasn’t embarrassed anymore every time he touched or kissed her, or when she told him I love you, because they were a real couple now. She loved him and he loved her and she wasn’t afraid of it anymore.

He smiled brushing her hair away from her neck, admiring her body lovingly “You are so beautiful Lillie!”

“I know!” She answered making him raise an eyebrow before laughing.

She still didn’t see herself as beautiful most of the times but in his eye she felt beautiful and that was enough for her for now.

He leaned forward kissing her and she took that opportunity to pull his sweater over his head, getting him too.

He helped her so his chest was bare for her to caress, and Lillie took her time caressing and kissing him. They had time, or so they thought. All the time in the world to make love with each other…

 

I love you – those words are more painful than any other words

Words that are said quietly, words that are now hard to say

 

 

 

After making love they stayed in bed together with Lillie lying over Jinki’s chest with closed eyes, enjoying that brief moment of heaven. He needed to go back since he had a schedule in a few hours and he barely slept, but for now he was still hers.

“Are you sleeping?” he asked in a low voice caressing her arm blinking his eyes to scare the sleep away for a while.

“No.” She looked upwards at him, moving her body over his, so she could kiss his neck and collarbone, making him close his eyes in pleasure. “But you should sleep!”

 “I need to tell you something that I forgot to tell you before you seduced me!”

She smiled at the seduce part. As if she was able to seduce anyone. Apparently she was now. “What is it, oppa?”

“Stop calling me that.” He chuckled “Its sounds weird coming from you!”

“You liked it before!” She remarked surprised “And you said I seduced you!”

She toughed he meant that she seduced him calling him oppa.

“I liked it before but now it feels weird because I feel like I’m more than an oppa to you. Besides you saying that you were getting for me was what made me go crazy!”

She kissed his chin and caressed his chest “Ok then, tell me what you wanted to and forgot.”

“The Social Behavior and Media Awareness Program begins next year in February.”

“The what?” She asked confused and he brushed her hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear.

“SBMAP!” He said cutely “Your lessons to be my official girlfriend!”

“Oh I see…” She didn’t seem excited about it and he knew why.

“Nothing that they will teach you will make you more perfect for me than you already are, yet this can help you deal with the media and will help us find a way to reveal it easier. Also you will spend some time inside the SM Building and we can try to make out on the cleaning closet! Seems exciting!”

This was Jinki, her Mister sunshine, trying to be positive and she knew, so she smiled back nodding her head before lying on his chest again, closing her eyes.

“Everything is going to be alright!” He said pulling her closer against his body.

 

Oh rather than a bright and sunny morning, the night’s moonlight is better

Setting aside the goodbye kiss for a moment, let’s stay like this

 

I’ll tightly hug you and then I’ll tell you

I’ll shout out your name and say my love

You won’t be able to see my last tears

 

 

Minho opened the door of the coordi’s room where he was expecting to see Eun Ha working but it was empty. Well not really empty because someone came out from one corner.

It was one of the older coordis, one that used to play with Taemin a lot. She was nice and often took care of Eun Ha. His girlfriend often praised her.

“Minho-ssi do you need anything?”

She probably thought he was there to deliver some message from Kibum. Sometimes he did that which normally would made him complain but not when Eun Ha was in the building.

“I was wondering if...” His eyes roomed the room as if Eun Ha was hiding below a table. She was tall though, he would spot her easily.

“She…” The older coordi approached him speaking in a low voice as if she was afraid that someone would hear them talk. “She doesn’t work here anymore!”

“What do you mean?” Minho asked in the same low voice. “Was she transferred?”

“No. She doesn’t work for the company anymore.”

“She was FIRED?” Minho couldn’t help but talk loudly but she widened her eyes in a warning.

“I’m not sure but she handed in her dismissal letter today.”

“She couldn’t. She would never give up on her dream like that!” Minho was worried. Eun Ha always valued her work. She even broke up with him because of it. No way would she leave by her own will. Something must have happened and he was going to find out.

 

 

“I don’t have that hairstyle!” Jules said watching Lillie doodle on her notebook. “And I get it that Jinki wants to help you with this drawing thing but don’t you think you are getting too overboard with it?”

“Overboard why?” Lillie asked erasing Jules chibi character hair and making a new one.

“Like for example, you are drawing for two hours now and you barely did it before.”

“It’s fun!” Lillie said crossing her legs under her in the couch. Jules stood up from the couch and grabbed her bag.

“I’m going out! And you should too.”

“Why?” Lillie didn’t even raise her eyes from the notebook and Jules observedon her attire. She was wearing her fluffy pink pajama with a bunny hood with ears; on her feet she had Minho’s socks.

“I don’t know. I just think going out would do you good!”

“I’m fine thank you!”

“Your boyfriend is busy?”

“Hum I don’t know. I think he is home but he was going to go out with friends”

“Not going with him?”

“He needs time for himself too!” Lillie raised the notebook for Jules to see “Look! It’s you!”

“Hai!” it was actually pretty similar to Jules and she smiled. It was good, that Lillie wasn’t no longer the needy girlfriend! She grew up and apparently that was doing well to her and her relationship with Jinki. They were going stronger now. “Can you draw Key by my side declaring his undying love for me?”

“You want that?” Lillie rose an eyebrow suspicious at Jules.

“Sure! Why not!”

“OK!” Lillie happily placed the notebook on her lap and Jules gently patted her head leaving the house.

Lillie barely heard her close the door but she heard her cellphone ringing.

She stood up stretching her arms wondering if it was Jinki calling but it wasn’t him. It was her brother and that couldn’t be a good omen.

 

 

Lillie walked by the guard softly bowing to him. Normally she would talk with him and ask him about his daughter that was only a baby girl. She often visited SHINee dorm so they had some familiarity now, much different from the way they met when he denied her entrance into the complex building.

“Are you ok?” The man asked and Lillie smiled weakly mumbling a fake yes.

She wasn’t ok at all. She barely knew how she managed to leave her house and caught a taxi to Jinki dorm. She tried to call Jules first because she couldn’t stop crying and was near a panic attack but Jules had her cellphone off. She was probably at the cinema with her friends or busy with Key. So she went to the first person in her mind, the one she wanted desperately to fall into his arms, but also the one she didn’t want to trouble with her problems.

The elevator trip felt like eternity and once she left it she knocked on the door, completely ignoring the fact that she knew the code already. It would be impolite to enter their apartment like that and she wasn’t even sure if Jinki was home. She should have called, she thought leaning her head against the side of the door.

Someone opened the white door and she raised her head, focusing her crying eyes on the tall man in front of her.

“Lillie?” Minho said widening his eyes when he saw that she was crying. “What happened?”

She moved her head unable to speak and he moved his eyes on her outfit. She was wearing her pajama sweater with a bunny hood, under a black winter coat, black pants and heavy snow boots. It looked as if she wore whatever she found at hand before coming. She did exactly that.

“Come on in!” He said pulling her softly inside and closing the door. “Are you ok?” He asked gently caressing her arm; his gentle eyes on her, making her feel guiltier. She was always troubling them. She was always troubling Jinki.

“I’ll call Jinki for you ok?”

He did as he said calling Jinki name louder.

“Let me help you take off your coat!” He offered pulling it from her while she took off her boots moving like a ghost.

Jinki came out from the kitchen immediately biting on a bread stick.

He seemed surprised to see her and more surprised to see what she wearing and her expression.

“Lillie, what happened?” He asked striding in her direction, completely forgetting about the stick that he placed over the dining table.

She moved her eyes from Minho to Jinki, noticing how he was wearing nice clothes, probably getting ready to leave to meet his friends. She felt even guiltier.

However she moved automatically running to his arms hiding her crying face against his chest, her hands grasping the back of his black sweater.

“WHAT HAPPENED?” He asked hugging her back awkwardly not understanding what was happening.

“I don’t know. She was crying when I opened the door!” Minho said “Ill grab a glass of water while you try to calm her down…”

Jinki patted her back trying to pull her away from his chest so he could talk with her but she didn’t move, stubbornly holding on to him. Maybe if she hugged him tightly his magical powers would keep the pain away like they always did.

“Lillie, talk to me please!” He cried “What happened? Did someone hurt you?” His voice changed “Alex…did he...” I was impossible but maybe he came back.

“No!” She sobbed against him and he relaxed a little.

“Then tell me so I can help you.”

She moved away and looked at him with red eyes and a stuffy nose. She looked horrible and he pulled her to the couch to sit so they could talk. It was a hard task because she didn’t release him as if she was afraid that if she did, reality would hit her again.

“Ok, tell me what happened!”

Minho came back with the glass of water and she grabbed it with trembling hands noticing for the first time how he was only wearing blue Adidas track pants and a sleeveless t-shirt.

“My brother called.”

Jinki nodded his head while Minho crossed his arms over his chest wondering why that was something to cry over.

“And?” Jinki caressed her arm, her hand still grabbing his sweater.

“My dad…My brother left London because my dad…”

Jinki widened his eyes waiting for the worst.

“My dad is in a coma…”

He actually sighed of relief and she noticed it frowning immediately.

“No…no I’m sorry…” He pulled her into his arms and Minho quickly grabbed the glass of water to prevent an accident. “I just thought that maybe…”

“MAYBE HE DIED!” Saying the words made her feel like it was real and she cried harder in Jinki’s embrace. He sent Minho a helpless look and the younger man ran a hand on his hair.

“Well how long is he in a coma?” He asked. He was no doctor but he filmed a medical drama before so he did some mild research on the matter, also he spent a lot of time at the hospital to film it.

She sniffed loudly moving slightly away from Jinki. “Since yesterday morning. They were hoping he would wake up so they didn’t tell me anything but…”She looked at Jinki “But the doctors said that it might take a while for him to wake up…maybe days, weeks, months…years!”

Jinki caressed her wet face gently “Well a coma is still better than…” He bit his lip wondering why he was so terrible with words sometimes.

“What Jinki means is that there is hope on his recovery. He will be fine soon!” Minho said positively smiling and Lillie nodded her head.

“Thank you!”

“Now you need to be strong!” Minho added patting her shoulder gently “More than ever your family needs you to be strong.”

“He needs it too, your dad.” Jinki added thankful that Minho put down in words what he was thinking.

“I’m sorry I came. I tried to call Jules but…”

“Of course you came!” Jinki said immediately. “I’m your boyfriend. I need to be by your side in things like this!”

Minho knew that he wasn’t needed anymore so he excused himself giving them privacy, placing the glass of water on the dining table and leaving them alone.

“I need to go!” Lillie said rubbing her eyes “He might…..” she couldn’t say it anymore but Jinki knew what she meant “And I don’t want him to go before I see him.”

“He won’t GO!” Jinki believed rubbing her cold fingers “But I understand. You need to go sooner and I’ll pay for it, its ok.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“No. I would have done the same. They need you Lillie. Your mother and your brother need you and I think it’s time for you to get back. There is a lot you need to clear with them.”

She knew he meant all the Alex story and her strained relationship with her brother.

Maybe going back was really needed. You can’t move on with pending problems to solve.

“Go Lillie, but go to make your dad wake up not with bad thoughts ok?” He poked her head and she smiled weakly.

“How come you are always so positive?”

He smiled cupping her face and kissed her forehead. “Because I’m your Mister Sunshine remember?” She hugged him again and he caressed her back.

“Stay here tonight!” He offered “We can talk, sleep, read, and do whatever you want.”

“Weren’t you going to go out with your friends?” She asked moving away, rubbing her nose. She needed a paper tissue.

“I was but right now you need me more than a group of friends wanting to get drunk. Besides we can get drunk together too!”

She laughed for the first time after hearing the news and it was all thanks to him.

“Can we really get drunk?”

“Do you want that?” He asked sadly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Yes. I probably will cry or seduce you once I am drunk but I want to forget it for a while…”

“Ok then! I can take care of you and I don’t mind the seducing!” She hugged him again and he kissed her neck “I’m not sure if that’s very therapeutic!”

She chuckled and he hugged her tighter.

“Smiling with you is always healing!”

Thankfully she had him by her side.

 

I’ll tightly hug you and then I’ll let you go

I’ll shout out your name once again and say my love

You won’t be able to hear when I say I love you

 

 

Jules watched Lillie doing a terrible work at folding her yellow sweater and took it from her hand doing it neatly for her.

Lillie mumbled a thank you and placed it on top of her other clothes inside her traveling bag.

“Why are you packing so much?” Jules asked watching Lillie open yet another of her drawers. It hurt her to see Lillie pack. The idea of seeing her leave was awful for her.

“I need to!”

“Well why you are bringing spring clothes. It’s not warm there now. Its winter…”

“I know but…” She didn’t need to say it out loud because Jules knew what she was thinking.

“You said you would only go for two weeks.”

“That was before. Before my dad fell into a coma!” She said it too roughly and Jules crossed her arms pouting slightly, moving her fingers to her blonde hair.

“I don’t know how long I’ll stay!” Lillie added sighing deeply staring at her other bag on the floor “I don’t know when he will wake up and I want to be there.”

“You said the doctors don’t know either…” Jules moved her hand on the fluffy red sweater Lillie placed on her bag. “It might take days, weeks, months…you said so. Will you be away for that long? You have your job here Lillie, your life. You only have 3 weeks of leave. Also you have Onew. You can’t leave for months…”

Lillie stopped what she was doing and raised her head to look at Jules. Yes she thought about that. It was the only thing in her mind while she was drinking with him the previous night. The only thing in her mind when she collapsed over him, laughing crazily at his impersonation of Jonghyun. She couldn’t stay months away from him but she had to. She needed to do that sacrifice for her family. She needed to do it or she would never forgive herself. What to do when your heart breaks in two pieces and each one stays in a different country?!

“I can’t ask him to wait!” Lillie said biting her lip. She didn’t want to make that decision but she knew she had to eventually.

“OH NO!” Jules knew what she was thinking and kneeled on the bed “You are no ing character from a drama. I know that sometimes your story with Onew sounds like a drama but Lillie this is real life. If you break up with him it’s over. Your love story is over Lillie…no going back! You don’t play with human feelings like that and you don’t have to act like a ing perfect drama character. You can go and come once in a while. Talk with him. He can pay for you and…”

“You know I can’t ask him that. That’s selfish and I can’t play with his money and heart.”

“And then is it ok to break his heart? Is that what you mean?”

“I’m not breaking it. I’m going to tell him what I decided!”

“What about what he decided?” Jules asked noticing how Lillie was hiding her eyes from her. “Stop pretending that you want this because I know you are crying right now!”

“I’m not!” Lillie said raising her head with wet eyes “I don’t want this. It hurts so much! I clearly don’t want this. I would be crazy if I did. I love him but…”

“Talk with him Lillie. Maybe you two can find a way for this to work. Maybe your dad will recover once he hears your voice. He might!”

“You truly don’t believe that Jules!” Lillie said covering her face.

“I do! I believe in miracles now...In true love….and all those lame things you always believed…they did become true for you didn’t they? Why won’t it happen again?”

It wouldn’t because Jules was right.

“This sweater stays here until you come back!” Jules said biting her lip so she wouldn’t cry, pulling the red sweater from the bag. Lillie needed to come back. For her, for Jinki, and more important for herself.

Lillie knew better, she wasn’t a character from a drama and sometimes there aren’t happy endings.

 

 

“Ow! You packed a lot!” Jinki said pretending to be ok with that exodus she was doing from his life. It was only two weeks, he told himself once again, even though the scene in front of him, two traveling bags and a hand bag told him otherwise and made it feel as if she was running away.

“I did!” She said releasing her hair from the bun she had and he sighed sitting on her bed watching her.

Ever since what happened he was talking with her by text and she said she needed to talk with him so he came as soon as he could. He felt tired because now that the festivities were done he was preparing for Tokyo Dome. That day he also visited Jonghyun that was doing his last preparations for his solo. He was so excited and that made Jinki think about his own solo someday. He didn’t feel prepared yet though.

“I heard Jules bought you Tokyo Dome tickets!”

“She did?” Lillie didn’t seem that excited about it and Jinki frowned.

“Wow so much excitement!” He said bitterly.

“I’m sorry!” She kneeled in front of him on the floor and he moved uneasy knowing that whatever she was going to say wouldn’t please him at all. He knew that expression. It was a mix of the one she had when Alex was around with sadness.

She opened to speak but closed it immediately tears coming to her eyes, making her look down. She tried once again but once again she failed looking at him with wet eyes biting her lower lip.

“No Lillie…” He didn’t know exactly what she was going to say but he could still remember that day on the emergency stairs when she broke up with him. He printed that in his heart as one of the worse feelings ever and he knew that now, after all they have been through it would hurt one hundred times more. “Don’t do this…”

The thought did cross his mind but the night before she seemed so in love with him, kissing him, lying on his arms, joking with him. She didn’t mention ending their relationship once and he always thought they would survive that.

“I’m not going to Tokyo dome and I’m so sorry I can’t be there with you…” A tear fall from her eyes and Jinki closed his eyes pressing his lips firmly before looking away.

“I won’t be around anymore…I’m going bck home Jinki and I don’t know when I’ll come back…if I will come back!”

“You have to!” He said urgently grabbing her shoulders, helpless staring at her “I don’t mind that you don’t go to Tokyo Dome…I can forgive you that if you come back!”

“I don’t know. It might take months or more. I need to be with my dad.”

“Staying by his side won’t make him come back Lillie.”

“You don’t understand! I was a bad daughter lately. Do you know how many times I called my dad this last years? Like five…In a way I always blamed them for not seeing what Alex did to me and…I left them. They only have me!”

“They have your brother too!”

“He travels all the time!”

“That’s an excuse! Lillie, you belong here now. You belong with me…you can’t leave!”

She ignored his words cleaning her eyes and he cupped her face.

“Go and come back to me…please!”

She moved his hands away “I can’t ask you to wait!”

“OH PLEASE STOP!” Jinki screamed pushing her away ignoring her words.

“I can’t ask you to wait for me so even if it hurts like hell please…lets break up!”

“!” He stood up from the bed walking around the dim light of her bedroom, releasing a deep breath “I can’t break up with you!”

“You can! You have to!” She rose up from the floor “I can’t ask you to wait!”

“I asked you to wait so many times before! To wait after it’s the right time to tell everyone; to wait for the army to marry me…why can’t you ask me the same thing?” He asked turning around, his face in the shadows of her room.

She hugged herself “It’s different and you know that. I can’t ask you to put your life on hold for me. There will more women and…” Only talking about it made her cry more. She couldn’t imagine him with anyone else.

“Are you kidding with me Lillie?” He asked walking closer to her “haven’t your heard anything of what I told you these last years. I love you. I want you. I want to marry you. I don’t want any other woman. I’ll wait and you don’t have the right to ask me to break up with you!”

His words made her melt and she trembled wanting to give up on her decision. But the new Lillie, the one he helped grow up had responsibilities.

“Then I broke up with you. We are over!” She said turning around to run away from him before he told her he loved her again but he crossed her path grabbing her before she reached the door.

“No I don’t accept it!”

“You have to!” She said stubbornly closing her eyes shut “I can’t be that selfish!”

“SELFISH?” He exploded releasing her and making her open her eyes “You ing break up with me, make decisions for me and you say you are not being selfish?”

She raised her eyes to his. He seemed to be in so much pain more than upset. She now could read him so well sometimes.

“You are being so selfish right now, ignoring what I feel, what I want. Breaking my heart without giving me an opportunity to choose, that’s being selfish!”

She didn’t say anything and he groaned. “Aaaaah!” He opened the door of her room and stormed outside leaving her alone. She heard the front door close with a loud noise and cried in silence. Jules appeared on the door frame, covering half of the light coming from the living room.

“I told you so. You need to rethink this Lillie.”

She cried even more turning around and sitting on her bed. Faithfull Jules came to hug her.

Soon she wouldn’t have her by her side too.

 

I’ll tightly hug you and then I’ll tell you

I’ll shout out your name and say my love

You won’t be able to see my last tears

 

 

 

It was the last day of Lillie in South Korea so she decided to plan a dinner with her closer friends that weren’t that many to begin with. She did invite some of the shawols she met on the group meetings and of course, Minseo, Rin, Jules and Jinho that didn’t seem to feel uncomfortable surrounded by women.

He spent half of the dinner bickering with Jules and even Rin mentioned that they had some chemistry which made Jules even angrier and Jinho delighted. He seemed to find a special pleasure in annoying her.

After the dinner Lillie left with the girls and Jinho, none wanting to end the night because that meant saying goodbye. They all knew about her intention of not coming back. It was a possibility, the darkest of them all and none wanted to believe in it.

Rin was the first one to get courage and do it. She wasn’t good with words so she hugged Lillie instead, patting her back before moving away “We didn’t finish our cooking lessons!” Lately Lillie didn’t even remember them anymore and she felt awful about it now. She wasted so many hours spending them without her friends.

“I’m sorry!”

“No. Don’t say that! You will come back and we can start from what we left off. I’m looking forward to that!”

Lillie nodded “Take care of Jonghyun….”

“I will!”

“And….SHINee…”

Both knew what Lillie meant. Keep an eye on Jinki. After their fight the previous night she didn’t dare to call him and he didn’t call her too. Lillie wondered what he was doing.

Probably going on with his life, trying as hard as she was to pretend that she was fine and that she wasn’t already missing him. Lillie wished that she would have kissed him goodbye, hug him again, tell him how wonderful he was, memorizing every inch of him. She should have done that.

“I will keep an eye on Jinki!” Rin said reading behind her words and hugging her again “I will miss you! We all will!”

Rin moved away sniffing a little and Minseo stepped forward with tears in her eyes. She didn’t say anything and hugged Lillie quickly.

“Thank you Min. You were my first shawol friend!”

Minseo nodded cleaning her eyes under her glasses “I’m practicing my dance a lot. You need to come and watch my first performance!”

“I’ll try!”

That was her way to ask her to come back and Lillie smiled weakly noticing that Jinho stepped towards her. Jules was pretending to be interested in something in her phone but her nose was red and not from the cold weather.

“So this is it!”

“So this is it!” Lillie repeated.

“Like she came into our lives, Lillie is going and leaving a trail of broken hearts behind!”

“Aigo…” She chuckled and Jinho grabbed her hand gently, the playful smile leaving his face.

“I won’t hug you. I don’t think your boyfriend will like it!”

Lillie opened to speak, she didn’t have one anymore abut Jinho grasped her hand.

“He is still your boyfriend. I don’t believe he accepted to break up with you.”

Lillie glanced at Jules who hid behind her blonde hair. She told him. She probably told all of them.

“I did break up with him!”

“Well you can’t decide for him, can you?”

“If one side wants it…”

“Do you want it?” The pale look on her face made him chuckle “As I thought! Go talk with him. Don’t leave Korea like this. He must feel devastated. I’m bleeding right now and I’m not dating you!” He released her hand “You can’t decide for him Lillie. This is something you both need to discuss.”

He stepped back as if moving away from her would help with parting.

“You know I’m always here if you need me!” He said sighing “See you soon!”

“Thank you!” Lillie mumbled turning around to walk back home. She looked back a few times watching them wave at her, Rin doing it with a smile, Minseo hiding behind her with a crying face and Jinho motionless watching her.

“Let’s go tokki!” Jules said gently pulling Lillie with her.

They walked in silence both knowing that soon it would be their time to say goodbyes.

“I hate saying goodbye. It’s so definitive. Like forever. It sounds better when you say see you soon like Jinho did!”

Lillie didn’t answer trying to keep her emotions at check. It was weird how Jules was agreeing with Jinho on something. She probably was struggling with something to say.

Soon Lillie stopped, her eyes moving to the other side of the road to the familiar park she crossed with Jinki so many times, where they fought, where they kissed, where they smiled.

“I’ll go home. You do what you have to do. See you tomorrow!” Jules said pushing Lillie in the direction of the park.

Lillie only needed to cross it, walk a few miles to get to his dorm where maybe he was waiting for her.

She was already half way through it when she noticed that for the first time she was actually following Jinho’s advice.

 

 

“I was going to see you right now!” was the first thing Jinki said once she stepped inside his apartment. He smiled softly and she smiled back.

It was as if the conversation from the day before didn’t happen. None was crying or screaming anymore, both felt grateful that they got to see each other again, to be inside the same room, inches from each other.

Inches that decreased once he stepped closer to her, closer enough to reach out to her but not enough to scare her away.

“After yesterday I’ve been thinking and what you asked me actually makes sense.”

Lillie wasn’t sure about she expected to hear from him but she wasn’t expecting him to agree with her so easily after what he said the night before.

“You don’t know when you will come back and people change, situations change, feeling change…”

Soon he would be out of love for her. She knew it since the start. She feared it.

“But…these thoughts only lasted for a few minutes. I don’t want our feelings to change. I want to keep loving you. I can’t break up with you Lillie because I don’t want to let you go.”

His words made her happier than she should be. She should be screaming with him, making him understand but apparently he did understand and still wanted to be with her.

“It can take years…”

“I’ll wait! I can be patient if I want to. I waited for you to realize that you were beautiful! I made it so…I can do this too!”

He was adorable and she felt like crying.

“I won’t be here. We wont kiss or hug or have …”

“Well I will suffer tremendously but imagine what will happen when you come back. I will need a new bed and your lips will suffer…and I won’t let you go for days!”

“We won’t see each other. I’ll miss all your important moments…”

“You won’t. You are only a call away and we can also skype and I can go to visit you or you can come here and you can be an international shawol…we can do it together!”

Lillie couldn’t reason with him. Not when he was ignoring all the obstacles in that crazy relationship they wanted to keep, not when he was ending with the distance between them, leaving her with no way to run away.

She was like that before, on the night they made love for the first time. Jinki seemed to realize the same, pushing her against the same wall, just like he did that night, his lips moving closer to hers.

“Isn’t this familiar?” He asked smiling, his eyes wetter than they should be “Maybe it was written in the stars that we would say goodbye like this. Like our first time together!”

“Are you being romantic again?” Lillie asked caressing his chest, moving her fingers over the black tank top he was wearing.

Star Crossed Lovers…..the words run through her mind.

“No. I only want to make love with you!” He kissed her lips intensely, her lower lip and pulling her by her waist to his bed.

She didn’t resist moving with him, both stumbling inside the bedroom and closing the door, staying in darkness kissing each other slowly. Her hands moved under his clothes caressing him, his hands pulling his top over his head and pushing her to his bed where she fell.

She watched him take of his pajama pants and underwear before he moved over her .

She kissed him again, both barely breathing ad if there was not time to waste, while he took her clothes off, his fingers hesitating on the hook of her bra as if he forgot how to do it.

She moved her hand to help him and they looked at each other eyes in the darkness trying to see the hiding feelings, but failing, while they both did it.

They didn’t need to see though, only the way they touched each other was enough.

He caressed her neck and cheek lovingly and Lillie blinked her eyes trying to control her emotions. She couldn’t cry, she wouldn’t.

She barely could see his expression and she wondered if he was feeling the same she was. That, that could be their last time together.

He probably was, the eagerness to get her contrasting with the way he kissed her slowly, as if he wanted to memorize every trace of her and didn’t have time to do so.

He pulled her pants and underwear from her legs in one go, panting as if he was out of breath and Lillie sat up on the bed searching for him, her fingers finding his chest in the darkness, caressing his muscles and down to his stomach, taking a longer time over his chest feeling his heart beat. He didn’t say anything, his mouth moving to her neck that he kissed and , her like he liked making her whimper of pleasure.

They never made love in total darkness. Yet she could see every little inch of him and she was certain he could say the same about her. They made love so many times before that they knew each other perfectly, where to kiss or touch. Their moans broke the silence that was only interrupted when they kissed more heatedly.

She caressed him slowly and he moved from her neck, this time his fingers exploring her, groping her s that he loved, his mouth on her s kissing them and down to her stomach , pulling her hands away to her side, while he made her lie down on his bed, their fingers intertwining in each side of them, his mouth going between her legs kissing her making her raise her hips while she cried of pleasure, before he moved upwards again, leaving a wet trail from his kisses up to her lips again.

He used his knee to spread her legs and she knew it was time. He entered her, both releasing a soft cry with the pleasure, their hands tightening the hold and he released one of her hands so he could raise himself up with the help of it and enter her again.

Lillie closed her eyes, memorizing that feeling of having him inside her, of being his, of ebign one like she romanticized so many times before, but she opened them once she started to cry. She wanted to see him. She needed to and it was too dark.

She released his hand and moved both to his face, touching him while they made love.

He didn’t stop, still moving in and out of her, slowly and then quicker as if he wasn’t sure what he wanted. Did he want to kill his pleasure inside him or keep going forever?

She wasn’t sure what she wanted either. She only wanted to see him. She needed that.

“Stop…stop!”

He halted his movements supporting himself with his arms over her, still inside her.

“What’s wrong?” His voice sounded weird. Husky like it did when they made love but still different.

“I want to see you…” she cried. She couldn’t hide that from him “Can you turn on the light please?”

He released a deep breath as if he didn’t want to turn it on but still he stretched his arm to turn the bedside table lamp on.

Lillie blinked her eyes with the sudden light but didn’t move them from Jinki that looked back at her.

His eyes were red and now she knew why he didn’t want to turn the lamp on.

He wasn’t crying but he clearly was close to it.

Lillie raised her head to kiss him and he followed after her, intensifying the kiss, resuming his s making her bit his lower lip in pleasure.

She watched him while he moved, remembering how their first time together was. She was so silly back then. So worried with silly things. Would he like my body? Will he get tired of me? Will he met someone else and leave me?

She knew nothing back then but now she knew. She caressed his neck pulling him down for a kiss, moving her hips up to meet him, caressing his back and neck, making love with him.

He didn’t last long and she didn’t either both reaching their quietly as if it wasn’t something to celebrate anymore. It meant it was over. It meant that it might be the last one.

He hugged her against him, pulling her with him. She thought that he would roll with her so she could stay over him but he didn’t, holding her in his arms, against his sweaty chest, hiding his face on her neck.

“My flight is tomorrow!” Lillie said knowing what he was thinking, feeling the wetness of his lips on her skin. She hoped it was his lips and not something else. She wouldn’t be able to deal with a crying Jinki.

He couldn’t release her and he tightened the hold on her once she mentioned the flight. He couldn’t see her go. He couldn’t. He never saw himself as the crying type but the idea of losing her was too much to bear for him. So he never that light. He didn’t want her to see him cry. He barely survived making love with her but now that it was over and she was a few hours away of leaving his embrace and go live on the other side of the world, he wasn’t sure he could hold the tears in.

He didn’t want to make it harder for her to go. He didn’t, so he wouldn’t cry in front of her. He decided on that. She wouldn’t see his last tears.

“I know!” He hugged her so strongly that she could barely breathe. Yet she closed her eyes hugging him back.

“I won’t let you go!”

She bit her lower lip wondering if he meant it literally or was only thinking about his feelings.

“I mean, I respect your decision but I don’t…” His voice failed him “Accept it. I’ll wait as I said I would!”

“Nothing I’ll say will make you change your mind right?” She asked opening her eyes, feeling his breathing on her neck.

“You are the only one that can make me happy so no. I won’t change my mind. As long as you want me. I’ll wait!” She couldn’t deny that she wanted him and he knew.

“I love you. I love you so much it hurts. At first I thought it was a silly crush on an idol but no crush hurts like this…”

He chuckled ignoring her crying voice. “I love you too. You know I do!” It hurt to say it though.

“I do!” She was so stupid for not truly believing it for such a long time. “I will never forget you!”

“I won’t either!” He moved up and she looked at him afraid to see him cry. He wasn’t crying and he smiled sweetly at her “Besides you will come back! Remember that promise we made when you almost died because I made you run a little?”

She frowned with the way he said it and that only made him smile more, his eyes shining, his smile being too forced “That we will always find a way back to each other?”

She nodded and realized that she couldn’t promise that again.

He kissed her slowly as if it was a goodbye kiss “You will come back to me. I’m sure!”

It wasn’t a goodbye kiss! It couldn’t be!

He rolled from over her and they stayed side by side and yet so far away.

This was it. In a few hours she needed to get back. Jules was going to take her to the airport and she wouldn’t see Jinki any longer. He didn’t say anything, breathing by her side, his hand grabbing hers, his fingers caressing hers like on their first date together, when everything seemed perfect, when they had all time in the world. She was crying now like the crybaby she was but he didn’t say anything. His fingers moved slowly away from hers and he sighed deeply as if he was ripping a part of him to let her go.

“Sleep well…” he said with a low weak voice turning to the other side, staying motionless as if he was sleeping.

He wasn’t and she knew. He simply couldn’t say goodbye to her.

Goodbye meant that it was definitive.

“See you soon…” Lillie mumbled receiving no answer for him.

She stood by his side for a while and then sat up on the bed not daring to look at him. She grabbed her clothes and dressed them quickly before she walked to the door. She sent him a last look. There were so many things she wanted to tell him but she could only remember one. She always dreamed about telling him that when he didn’t know she existed and now he probably could understand why she spent so many times saying it to him when they weren’t dating yet, when they were strangers.

 “Thank you!”

Jinki stayed on the bed without moving hearing her dress up and close the door behind her.

She thanked him like she did so many times before and now he could fully understand it. He also needed to thank her but he was afraid that if he did he wouldn’t be able to keep the strong façade up.

Once she closed the door he the bed staying with his tummy up, spreading his legs and breathing quickly. He felt destroyed. He knew they didn’t break up but he felt as if they did. He wasn’t stupid. He knew a lot of things could happen. She could forget him, she could fall out of love with him, and they couldn’t be able to resist the distance. But he wanted to try. He wanted to give his all for her. She was worth it as she was worth every tear. He was crying now because he didn’t tell her how thankful he was too, because he would miss her so badly and because he couldn’t picture a tomorrow where he wouldn’t be able to speak with her, see her, touch her…

 

I’m alright – those words are pitiful lies

We try to smile but we’re only filled with tears

 

Oh rather than a bright and sunny morning, the night’s moonlight is better

Setting aside the goodbye kiss for a moment, let’s stay like this

 

 

“Do you have your documents?” Jules asked.

“Yes!!”

“The cookies I made?”

“I have everything Jules! Even the sad looking cookies you made…with loooots of love!”

Lillie smiled and Jules sniffed completing ignoring how she ditched her cookies.

They were in the airport now, minutes of saying goodbye to each other and Lillie could say anything because Jules would forgive anything now.

“Call Jinki once you arrive!” Jules said awkwardly.

Lillie smiled because a crying Jules was the cutest thing ever. “I will! Take care of him for me ok? Don’t let My Young get closer to him!”

“As if I need to. You already have him wrapped around your finger!”

Lillie chuckled grabbing her handbag signaling that it was time to go. “Don’t fight too much with Key ok?”

“I won’t! I promise! He is a keeper!”

Jules pulled Lillie for a hug and Lillie closed her eyes.

“You are the best friend someone could have!”

“I know!” Jules cleaned her teary eyes “I’m going to ruin my makeup!” She blinked her eyes and grabbed Lillie’s shoulder “YOU ARE GOING TO COME BACK OR I’M GOING AFTER YOU TO PICK YOU UP! You hear me?”

“I do! Once my dad is fine I’ll come back! Enjoy Tokyo Dome for me! Scream a lot and make sure they take care of their health!”

“I will! I wish you would be there…maybe you will!”

It could happen…she wished it did. It meant her dad was fine and that she was back “home”.

“Say bye to Key and everyone for me. And thank the boys please….for saving me…twice….I should have said goodbye to them!”

Jules nodded her head “They know Lillie and soon you will be here so no goodbyes!”

“Well….see you soon beautiful, dazzling, amazing, daring Jules that I admire so much!”

Jules made a serious expression but failed completely “Goodbye silly, romantic, brave, pure Lillie that I also admire very much!”

“Aigo!” Lillie said walking away. She turned around and waved at Jules that raised her hand on the air waving it.

“TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! EAT WELL! FANGIRL A LOT! DREAM WITH JINKI!! She positioned her hands around “YOU HEAR ME TOKKI! I’LL BE WAITING FOR YOU!”

Lillie embarrassedly walked away, all her eyes on her but she couldn’t stop smiling.

She smiled all the way to the boarding gate sitting beside it waiting for the time to enter the plane. She played with the strap of her bag, trying to not think about Jinki that was probably by now driving to work.

She was going to turn on twitter and check to see if there was any news when she received a kakao message from him.

She hesitated to open it but she did it in the end.

It was a sound message and nothing was written so she grabbed her earphones from her bag and connected them to her phone.

It was his voice and she bit her lip realizing how much she would miss to hear his real life voice outside of a phone or a tv.

“It’s me.” He sounded awkward but it was the same gentle sweet voice he used to speak to her, only her.

Of course it’s you, she thought to herself smiling at his silliness.

“I wanted to send you something that would make you think of me every time you are sad. I used to do this when I went overseas before. So this time it’s you going and I thought that maybe….well maybe you could answer back to me with a message too. I know I’m being eager for love…”

She chuckled. He was never eager. She was the needy one.

“Also I wanted to tell you something I couldn’t this morning. Thank you. I am also thankful for you coming into my life. I never realized how much I was missing until I met you. I know I told you that before but…You also told me so many times before didn’t you?! Thank you!”

Lillie puffed, trying not to cry again. She felt as if she cried a thousand tears these last days.

“Also I won’t ever forget the number one in your list. It’s my first one too and someday we will accomplish that. I’m certain!”

She blushed wondering how he did know about her number one item in the list. She actually had it inside her purse in her bag. She couldn’t part with it.

Have a family with Jinki. Someday…

“Also I’m sorry I didn’t get to do this personally. I was saving it for a special day because I know its special to you and because now it’s special to me too. But yesterday when you left I realized how it fitted this moment perfectly. How the lyrics fitted us more than ever.”

Lillie gasped, tears falling down her eyes once he started singing.

I’ve never said this before

To tell you the truth, I felt my heart beating on that day

 

 In your eyes.

 

Since the beginning, I knew

I wasn’t sure but it felt like our fate was already decided

 

She couldn’t not cry hearing him sing it for her. First because that song was her favorite, second because it somehow became something important for both, third because he meant what he was singing.

 

Love is coming to me

It leads me toward you

It feels like a dream that I’ll never wake up from

It really seems like a dream

 

She smiled remembering how they replayed their first encounter, how he messed up the place she was sitting at, his clueless face on the day they met when she thanked him, the day he gave her a ride home and asked her out, their first kiss, how they made love after Alex…they lived so much together she couldn’t recall all of it.

 

I remember the day we first met

You came to me on a dazzling and bright day

Thank you for coming to me

 

Being with him really did feel like destiny, like a dream she didn’t want to wake up ever.

 

You are smiling at me

On this beautiful day

But why are tears forming

In my eyes?

 

His voice failed him in the middle of the song but he kept going and finished it.

 

I hope this is a dream that I’ll never wake up from

I hope things will never change

 

I hope the place where love lingers

Can be somewhere we can be together

It feels like a dream that I’ll never wake up from

It really seems like a dream

 

I remember the day we first met

You came to me on a dazzling and bright day

Thank you so much for coming to me

 

“Come back to me soon. I love you and will keep loving you even if you try to break up with me.” He chuckled softly and the message ended. Lillie replayed it, torturing herself a little and fast forwarding it to his sweet chuckle.

He probably was watching her. Knowing that she saw the message already and waiting for her answer.

Lillie cleaned her tears and drank a little of water to clean her voice. He didn’t cry in his message so she wouldn’t. A strong Lillie would answer.

“It’s me!” She said smiling because she was so much like him “You lied you know. You barely remember how we met…and you didn’t feel your heart beat faster that day. I did. I felt so happy that I met you, my idol. But then…then you weren’t only an idol anymore. And I’m glad you weren’t…Guess we are both blessed to have met each other then!” She didn’t know what to say any longer and it was almost time to board “I’m looking forward to see you sing this live for me. Can you do that? I love you….and you know I always will…I’m lame like that!” She removed her finger from the recording button and waited for it to be uploaded.

As almost immediately the number one disappeared from under it revealing that Jinki saw her message. He was probably listening to it right now.

I thought about you that night. I didn’t fell in love with you in one day but you certainly left an impression on me. I’m glad you did.

She read his message and was going to answer when he wrote something else.

You printed your name in my heart…with permanent ink!

She laughed at his silliness.

I probably used my pearl aqua blood to do it!

 

It glows in the dark so I can’t take my shirt off on performances!

 

I see that’s the reason then!

Lillie her lips raising her eyes a smile spreading in her lips.

That could work out. When there is love there is hope and people wanting to fight for it!

She stood up grabbing her hand bag ready to board the plane that was going to take her from South Korea back to her country. The day was as sunny and cold as the one she arrived to the country.

However this time she wasn’t as empty as she was when she arrived. And it wasn’t only her physically baggage that was filled. This time she felt filled, with dreams and love. No one was at the airport on the day she left. Only her mother and dad missed her. This time she had several people thinking about her in that moment. She learned so much in those years in Korea. She found out what having a friend meant, what it meant to fight with them, how to make peace again, how amazing it feels not to be alone anymore. She fell in love for the first time, had her first love kiss, her first time, and so many other things she never thought she would experience. She now could relate to SHINee songs and feel the lyrics, she found a second family on people she never thought she would ever see, like SHINee.

She met them, she saw how human they were, she sat at the same table to eat with them, she played games, talked with them she learned to see them as each one of them and not only SHINee.

But above all she found herself through it. She wasn’t the same person that arrived in Korea. She now knew how she was loved, her value, how she could be beautiful and y if she tried, how she could be attractive to a man, how she had things she was good at and others she wasn’t but it was ok because she could work on them and that didn’t mean that others would love her less because of that.

She loved herself now. And she felt like that, majorly because of Jinki, because he patiently waited for her to realize it, because he never gave up on her, because he always saw her potential.

She was different now and it was all thanks to him once again.

She wasn’t sure if she would see him ever again. If she did indeed come back things could be different by then. She might not be able to see him again outside the screen of a computer. She would be a fan and Jinki an idol.

But she would try. Lillie promised she would find a way back to him.

And she would.

 

I’ll tightly hug you and then I’ll tell you

I’ll shout out your name and say my love

You won’t be able to see my last tears

 

I’ll tightly hug you and then I’ll let you go

I’ll shout out your name once again and say my love

You won’t be able to hear when I say I love you

My Love

 

THE END

 

 

aaaah Kidding....One more chapter left...

(read after the fanart)

Actualy I was going to finish the fic here. People are complaining about how long it is and i had like five more chapters planned to write. But I decided to cut it at 40 and keep going with the story on the sequel.

Next one will be the end off Dating an Idol but the kicking off to a sequel.

I said I would give you a happy ending...sadly i cant promise you one..not exactly....but it wont be a sad one...just the prologue of the sequel...Marrying an Idol.

Yes I'm evil like that.

I cried loads writing this even though this scenes were the ones i pictured in my mind when I first started this fic. Ever since from the start...

You cant expect a person to cut out with their past that easily and sooner or later Lillie would have to go back. There are so many things she needs to discuss with her family, they both need to be alone before they can be together again...besides...this shows how much Lillie changed, how much Korea changed her.

Hope you arent that  upset with me and will stay for the next chapter....and hopefuly the sequel.

Also werent you wondering  why I didnt use In your eyes yet? Its her favorite song after all and it never showed up in the almost 40 chapters of this fic...because it was meant for this one only...also...the other song, My Love, was sang in a cover by Onew. 

Videos here:

Also Jules and Key is one of my fav parts of the chapter....they are so cute! *__* 

If you want to disccuss more about the chapter, complain about something, point out a mistake (I know there are many..I cried and got to emotional so double the typos), call me bad names cos im going to make you read another fic with 40 chapters about lillie and onew once again, or simply say hi, comment, subscribe, upvote.

Im really sad this fic is ending...A sequel is good but this is my baby. My first fic. Feels like I'm closing a door of my life in aff and as a fanficiton writer.

I never thought I would write more than 5 chapters of Dating an Idol and it was suposed to be an experiment, an you x Onew scenario.....Instead I got attached to them, built them a fictional world to fit them, gave them good and bad moments and let them breathe on paper...

*gets emotional*
 

Also sorry I said that it was the end...im very evil! ahahah

See you on the next chapter...the final one...the 40th one...

It's hard to date an Idol...will Lillie make it to the end?!

(I cant remember what I wrote anymore...sleepy...bye)

Ps: Jinki is love....*heart eyes*