(Every ending is a begining to another story.)

 

I’ve been waiting

 

When warm spring arrives, smiling as bright as the sun, I’ll remember you

When the weather became comfortable, while suggesting we should go outside, you woke me up

 

Even during those long hot summer days, you stuck fast to my side at all times

When my brows would be moistened from my sweat, I’ll remember how you would always wipe it off for me

I’ll wait for you

(I suggest listening to it while you read.Song: 4Seasons ~ SHINee)

 

The thing about parting from the one you love is that they are so deeply rooted inside us that everything, even the smallest thing, makes us think of them.

A simple word, song, gesture, scent is enough to hurt you.

All the things you wanted to do with that person and couldn’t suddenly hit you and become bitter memories of what never happened.

Regrets start to fill your days while you balance the moments of daydreams about that person with the memories of good time you shared.

It’s a sweet misery.

It’s a day by day struggle until the day you are reunited again or you give up on that person.

Lillie and Jinki started counting the days towards the first option.

 

 

~ Lillie Starts Counting~

 

She didn’t sleep in her bedroom ever since she arrived home. Instead she decided to sleep at the hospital with her dad or at home with her mother in her bed. It was like going back to childhood and it was the way she found to explain why she didn’t want to spend any time at her bedroom.

However, after two weeks she did it. She stepped inside it, her eyes unpassionately scanning the room that was once her hiding place and now was only the place where she was almost .

Her eyes moved to the bed, neatly made by her mother and then to the several books over her desk. She walked inside it, and opened the last drawer knowing that inside it was the ring that Alex gave her. She took the small box off and sat on her bed before opening it.

Lillie grabbed the gold ring and stared at it before placing it side by side with the one Jinki gave her and she was wearing. Jinki one looked so childish next to that one but for Lillie it was the most precious thing she ever had. She put the ring inside the box again and sighed throwing it with a precise toss inside the trash can. She chuckled doing so and lied down on the bed. It scared her to see the ceiling like she did that day when he tried to abuse her but she kept her eyes open while humming In your eyes as if it was a prayer to keep her away from the painful memories. It worked and she sat up on the bed again. Her room didn’t scare as she thought it would. She felt safe. Alex was no longer there. And Jinki told her on the phone that if he dared to get closer to her that she should tell him and hell would fall on Alex head. It amused her how cutely he acted, how jealous and overprotective he sounded. It made her feel loved but she knew Alex wouldn’t annoy her. She wasn’t sure where he was right now but she wasn’t scared.

She was more scared about talking about it with her mother. The previous night she told her dad. She used to speak so much with him during the nights she stayed with him. She told him about how she met Jinki, about things they did together, about how amazing he was and about she would introduce him to Jinki someday.  Then that night she told him about how Jinki protect her from Alex, about how she thought Alex would kill her.

It made her feel free and she wanted to tell her mother now. But telling her mother would be harder since she would answer back. Lillie was ashamed of what happened, afraid her mother would blame her somehow for what happened, afraid of how she would react.

“You are here!” Lillie rose her head to see her mother at the door of her bedroom “It’s the first time I see you here.”

Lillie didn’t say anything but tapped the place by her side in the bed for her mother to sit.

“I know I haven’t been the best of daughters.”

Her mother smiled touching her thigh. “You are here. That counts!”

“But I left you without telling you why and…”

“I know why you left.” Her mom teared up and Lillie looked at her surprised, frozen with her reaction. She knew?!

“I mean…I didn’t, but yesterday when I arrived at the hospital I heard you and...”

Lillie heart break into little pieces. She didn’t expect her mother to know it like that. The way she described the things Alex did to her, how he tried to her that night and later when Jinki saved her.

“Mom…”

Her mother interrupted her raising her eyes to Lillie’s “I didn’t know. I’m sorry I always thought he loved you and that you were so lucky that a man like him wanted to marry you. I never realized he hurt you and…I was so blind…”

“It’s not your fault!” Lillie hugged her mother as better as she could, trying not to cry, so her mother wouldn’t feel guiltier. “And I’m ok now. He can’t hurt me anymore!”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Her mother repeated over and over again and Lillie let her hug her tightly.

It wasn’t her fault and yet Lillie knew that she needed to answer to her or her mother would never move on. “I forgive you. I don’t blame you mom. He also tricked me. He wasn’t the person he seemed to be.”

Her mother moved away sniffing noisily and Lillie smiled gently cleaning her tears.

“And this man, Jinki?” Lillie was happy she changed subject. Alex wasn’t important in her life anymore and she didn’t want to spend much longer living under the shadow of his existence in her life.

“Yes?”

“Is he a good person?”

“The best, mom!” Lillie sighed. She missed him so much already. They called each other every day and chatted on kakao all the time when he was free, but it wasn’t the same. It was two weeks away from Korea already and she only had one week left of leave from work. She knew she wouldn’t come back on time for work so Lillie prepared her resignation letter already and was going to send it the next day.

“He loves you?” Her mother asked and Lillie nodded.

“Very, very much and I love him too!” Lillie blushed “He is my prince!”

It felt so ridiculous that Lillie giggled and her mom laughed with her.

“Will he come to visit you? He can stay here.”

Lillie expression saddened already. Jinki was too busy. He was always too busy and Lillie explained her that before when she revealed to her mom that he was a singer and showed her some pictures of him.

“He can’t come mom. He needs to work.”

“Then…when are you going back?”

They haven’t discussed that already and Lillie didn’t want to even think about it. The doctors didn’t give her high hopes of a quick recovery and Lillie knew that positive thinking wouldn’t make him wake up quicker. If he ever did…she didn’t want to think about it.

“I don’t know. Once dad is well.”

“He will wait?” Her mother asked uncertain and Lillie bit her lower lip.

“He said he would!”

Her mother wrinkled her nose as if she didn’t believe it and Lillie stared at the ring in her finger.

They promised to never lie to each other and she broke that promise.

They promised to never leave each other and she broke it also.

But they did promise to love each other forever. She didn’t intend to break it.

Why would he break a promise to wait for her, to love her forever?

 

I’ll wait for you (Until the end)

I’ll remember your image hidden in all four seasons

If I close my eyes, it’s like you’re suddenly here with me

I’ll wait for you (Without changing, I’ll wait)

I’ll remember your image hidden in all four seasons

If I close my eyes, it’s like you’re suddenly here with me

 

 

It wasn’t hard for Minho to find Eun ha. Actually they met on the stairs when he was climbing to the floor of her small cheap apartment. His eyes darted to the big trolley bag she was carrying and he grabbed her arm before she said anything.

“Don’t go! Stay! Whatever they did to you I’ll fix it. Together we can find a way.”

She raised her big black eyes to him and smiled surprising him. Shouldn’t she be sad or worried?

“Where do you think I’m going?”

“I don’t know…Back to your hometown?”

“No. You silly, I’m moving to a smaller apartment with a cheaper rent.” She raised the trolley “Can you help me with this?”

He grabbed the bag for her but complained, his face twitching because it was heavier than he thought.

She pretended not to notice and walked down the stairs graciously while he followed her clearly in trouble.

“What happened? They found out about us?” He asked, and Eun Ha turned around to look at him.

“Who?”

“Stop acting clueless. S.M.!”

“No. I fired myself before they did. One of those old hags wanted to black mail me and you but before she did I turned my demission letter.”

He froze on the last stair and she pulled the trolley down for him.

“But it was your dream!” He said sadly.

“It was. Ever since I was little I decided that I wanted to make the others pretty but that doesn’t mean it needs to be in the idol world. Besides I have a new dream now.”

He followed after her down the dark street and she waited for him patiently.

“Aren’t you going to ask me which dream?” She asked while he looked at her curiously. Eun Ha always surprised him and that was probably why he fell in love with her. It was so exciting to date her. It made his heart beat as faster as when he was running on the treadmill. Nothing about her was boring. “You! I want to dream with you. So if I need to change the place I work for that, then I’ll do it. Besides I got a job interview at a television channel and another one for a magazine. Aren’t I great?” She smiled beautifully, tilting her head in a cocky way making him laugh.

“Seems good…”

“If I’m lucky maybe our paths will cross at work again. Maybe I’ll do the makeup to this idol called Choi Minho.”

“Heard of him. They say he is so handsome with big eyes and a nice body…”

She hit his shoulder painfully and he grabbed the trolley handle from her like a gentleman. She took that opportunity to cross her arm with his and rested her head against his shoulder.

“Just for a few seconds can I stay like this?”

He nodded his head and slowed down his steps “Until we reach my car.”

“Is it far away?” She asked inhaling his scent.

Nothing was certain in her life. They could even break up soon or after a few months, years…but for now they could dare to dream. She would find a job and they would be able to date without feeling guilty. And for a few minutes she would be able to walk with him outside in the open without being afraid to be caught.

“Very far away!” He lied, turning to the right at the end of the street, instead of keep going straight, so that they would walk a little longer until they reached his car.

 

 

~ Jinki keeps Counting ~

 

Jinki collapsed on his bed. He was drunk after the party the members, dancers and all staff had after the second day at Tokyo Dome. It was a dream come true and he couldn’t stop smiling, remembering the screams, the happy faces, the tears of joy he shed during it.

Jonghyun was closer mumbling something and giggling. Jinki turned his head to watch  him fall on his bed too still mumbling weird things. Jonghyun was weak to alcohol and it was funny how they had to take him back to their dorm in Japan. He kept singing random songs and laughing while he looked like a walking tomato. Taemin and Minho pulled him along the street to the car and Jinki couldn’t stop laughing at them while Kibum recorded the whole scene.

“Are you ok?” Jinki asked feeling very drunk but still better than his friend.

Jonghyun didn’t answer immediately and giggled cutely. It made Jinki think of Lillie and her drunken ways. She also would acquire rosy cheeks, and she would smile and laugh saying weird things. She also sang their songs when she was drunk. He couldn’t help but remember the night she was drunk and they talked about how they met each other, about their first impressions.

He groaned turning on the bed because he was thinking about her again.

It was like that all the time now and it hurt very deeply.

He still talked with her on the phone everyday but they rarely texted each other more than the usual good morning and good night messages.

He wanted to feel closer to her but every time he talked with her on the phone about what he was doing, about his day, trying to be positive she would answer with a gloomy voice saying that she didn’t have anything to share besides what she had for lunch and how many hours she stayed by her dad’s side at the hospital. Sometimes she cried. He knew she tried really hard to not do so and that hurt him even more. She was trying to be strong but clearly she wasn’t able to cope with all the differences on her life now. She often talked about work and how she missed teaching, about Jules and her friends, about him…Lillie missed her old life and he couldn’t say or do anything to make her feel better. If only he could hug her!

He felt as if he was losing her and sometimes he even lost sleep thinking about it. How could he convey to her how much he loved her besides saying I love you. It didn’t seem enough now, it was like a made up expression now, like goodnight or good morning. It lacked intensity and a gesture like a kiss, a brief touch, a look…things that before seemed so ordinary and now he realized how important they were to make her feel loved, to make him feel loved.

It was already more than two months without her and he was going insane.

They rarely skyped too. He was busy. Extremely busy because he was preparing his comeback and he couldn’t share much of that with her either.

He wanted to go visit her. He dared to mention it to manager Minho, the only one he trusted enough to say it and he looked at him as if he was crazy, scolding him. He knew deep down that he was right. He had a lot of work to do and he needed to focus on his career. But he was tired to focus on his career only, for once in his life he wanted to focus on someone besides him. He wanted to spontaneously catch a plane to her country and show up at her door. He imagined it sometimes. How she would hug him, her arms circling his neck and how he would grab her in the air twirling with her in his embrace as if they were part of a lame drama. The idea often made him chuckle and he was sure that if he told her about his fantasies she would laugh at it. However he never dared to do it, he couldn’t risk making her more depressed.

Even though it was hard and he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t dare even thinking about giving up on her. He couldn’t.

Rin came to support Jonghyun at the Tokyo Dome concerts. Jules came too, for Key and Jinki couldn’t help but feel jealous of them. Lillie wasn’t there. She didn’t even say anything about it. She didn’t congratulate him and he felt bitter about it.

He sat up on the bed and caressed his temple.

Several members of the SM family came, his family did too. And even Min Hee came. She followed him around a lot lately, ever since the rumor of his girlfriend not being in Korea anymore started circulating inside the company. He didn’t know how it started but Min Hee seemed to know and even My Young did. She called him the week before and he ignored it. However he couldn’t ignore his dongsaeng from the same company.

He closed his eyes his lips trying to focus and the image of Min Hee sweetly talking with him came to his mind.

She was beautiful but…she wasn’t Lillie and he groaned fighting to get up and stumbling to the living room.

He almost reached the door when his cellphone rang and he turned back to grab it.

“!” he cursed falling over his bed with a loud thud, making Jonghyun groan on his sleep, and grabbed it without seeing the caller.

“Yes?”

“Jinki?” Her voice made him open his eyes in full alert and he sat on his bed immediately smiling.

“Lillie?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call before. I had some problems here at the hospital. My dad showed some signs of consciousness and he moved his fingers.”

She cried relieved and Jinki felt awful because he was judging her before for not calling him.

“Oh that’s wonderful…that’s…really good!”

 More than good. She could come back home, to his arms soon.

“Yes. I’m sorry…Tokyo Dome…I’m watching fancams now!” She was crying and he suddenly felt hot, so he tried to take off his t-shirt.

“It was amazing!” He felt even happier now. Things were starting to look better and he could sense on her voice how relieved she was.

“It looks like it! You cried!”

“I did! It’s incredible to see so many people loving us like that and to hear them sing your songs. We are all so happy and drunk right now!” He closed his eyes finally able to pull his t-shirt off.

“Of course they love you. We love you…all fans, because many didn’t manage to go!” He knew she meant her, how sad she was for not being there for him.

“I missed you! I miss you!” He said passionately “I miss you so damn much Lillie!” He wasn’t sure if it was because of the alcohol but this time he could give to it the right passion. He could express it so clearly, as if he just grabbed her hand with sad eyes.

“I know. I miss you too!” He heard her swallow her tears, her voice changing “I have a gift for you.”

“Really?” He rubbed his cheek.

“Remember when we talked about doing phone …”

Jinki swallowed his eyes moving to Jonghyun sleeping by his side. “You mean…you…” he stuttered.

“I…” She seemed flustered with the idea too. “We don’t do it in a long time and I miss you. I know it’s not the same but….are you really drunk?”

“…I want it but I can’t here…Jonghyun is in the other bed. Wait a second while I change rooms...” The fact that he cursed was a clear sign that he was:

1. drunk;
2. ually deprived;
3. Lillie deprived;
4. He wanted to have with her desperately!

He stood up, all his body suddenly waking up since that idea was arousing him. He wouldn’t be able to touch her and that wouldn’t be much different from the times he ed remembering her form in front of his eyes, or some of their best y moments but knowing that she was having pleasure at the same time he did, hearing her voice while doing it, hearing her moan and her heavy breathing. He would never waste that chance.

There was no place he could be alone, so he locked himself in the bathroom praying that all the alcohol and beer the others drank wouldn’t make one of the members want to come to the bathroom.

He entered the shower and leaned against the wall breathing heavily already “I’m in the bathroom. I’m ready.”

“I’m in my bed. It’s still morning here.”

“We are really doing this right?” He could imagine her blushing.

“Yes…are you ?”

He smiled looking at his chest. He was still wearing his pants.

“No. But I’m opening my pants right now and my chest is bare for you to touch.

“I wish I could.” Her sad voice made his fingers halt on the zipper of his pants.

“If it hurts you we can do this another time.”

“No. I’m needy. I miss you. I miss you so much…I miss kissing you and your touch and I think I’m a ert because I miss having with you to the point that I’m going crazy!”

He chuckled and she did the same so he ped his pants pulling them down so he could touch himself over his underwear.

“Are you ?” He asked.

“Only wearing my !”

“I’m touching myself now and you?”

“Same….this is so embarrassing!”

He smiled agreeing with her but he didn’t stop his caresses, his fingers sliding inside his underwear while he closed his eyes, recalling how her fingers felt around his before. “I want to kiss your lips.” For all the things he missed more that was one of them. “I can imagine it. I’m kissing your neck and going down to your s. God I miss heaven so much.”

She moaned and he knew she was rubbing her s for him, picturing him doing it.

He didn’t know if it was because he was drunk or because he missed her so deeply but he was hard already, just by hearing her moan softly on the phone, once in a while saying his name.

“My fingers caress you between your legs…” he said softly in a lower voice afraid anyone would hear him “…and I finger you and damn...you are probably so wet…”

“I am…” she cried and he groaned. “Are you hard?”

“Yes…I am! Are you close?” He asked ing himself his lips, remembering their last night together, how wonderful it felt to be inside her.

“Yes…” she moaned “Say my name please…”

He smiled with her request “Lillie…I love you…You are so beautiful…” They whispered sweet words to each other and he could hear her breathing accelerating, matching his, her small cute cries increasing until it stopped. He knew she came, because he was used to watch those signs so many times before. He could picture her stretching her toes, opening in a silent cry, or biting her lower lip while she closed her eyes in pleasure. The thought sent him over the edge and he came too, leaning against the wall, losing some of the strength on his knees. He let himself fall to the floor of the shower, recovering.

“Did you…?” She asked in an embarrassed voice, and he bit his lip knowing that she wanted to ask him if he had an .

“Yes…thank you. I liked the gift a lot!”

“Maybe we can do it more times…” She wasn’t making a suggestion, she was asking him. She needed that, maybe even more than he did. It was only the . It was more than that. It was a secret between both of them, intimacy, a moment only theirs.

“Oh Lillie…” He swallowed searching for the right words but they didn’t come as always. “Soon…we will be able to touch each other for real.”

“Do you think so?” She asked and he could hear the need of reassurance in her voice.

“Yes. Soon!”

She made a long pause before speaking again “I did a pregnancy test!”

“What?” He straightened his back, the sweet sensation of the leaving him and worry overcome him. “Are you…”

They were always careful but there was always that possibility.

“My period was late and I was very sensitive, crying a lot.”

“Lillie?” She didn’t answer to his question and he felt his mouth get dry.

“No. I’m not pregnant. It was a false alarm.”

He was relieved he couldn’t deny it. He couldn’t be a father yet and not certainly under the present conditions. “I don’t know what to say…”

She chuckled “I was so scared but at the same time…” her voice trailed off and he knew she was emotional.

“I would have left everything to pick you up there.” He would. Nothing would be more important than her and the baby.

“Would you kidnap me?”

“Yes. For sure and make you my wife.” He knew what she was feeling. Or he thought he knew. The idea was scary but at the same time it was an unbreakable bond between them, something so beautiful that would make them connected forever, not even distance would separate them.

“We can have a baby someday.” He said leaning his head against the wall.

“I know, I’m relieved!” She also knew that it was best this way, for both of them “It was probably because of the nerves that I had those symptoms!”

“Probably! It would be madness right now.”

“It would!”

They talked for a while longer until she bid him farewell. Jinki stood up feeling a little dizzy and touched his hot cheeks. He didn’t have a nice like that in a while and that madness actually felt good. He the shower and groaned when the cold water him.

“!” He fought to find the way to turn the hot water and then relaxed when it fall over his body. It wasn’t the same as having with her but it was the closest they could manage to it. He craved a kiss and a hug a lot more though but he didn’t want to think about it.

She was suffering the same as he was. Both were fighting their longing for each other. And the baby talk…Suddenly both needed something more from their relationship.

They could do it.

Even if sometimes he felt as if she was slipping through his fingers, there were moments like that, when he felt closer to her than ever.

 

I remember that one fall we strolled on that path while holding hands

I remember it again

Dividing one yellow pigmented leaf that had fallen

I remember

 

It always seems like I go through all four seasons

You’re still inside me

Whenever the cold winter wind blows, I think of you everytime

I still haven’t been able to ungrasp the hope of you returning to me

But I could never let you go

 

 

 

Taemin was bored. He was never the party type and he normally preferred to stay home under the covers of his bed watching a horror movie or listening to music than being outside partying with a lot of people. If only one of his close friends was there. If SHINee was there. Jonghyun was on a date with his girlfriend, Kibum was somewhere inside that room, but he was a social butterfly so he was busy. Jinki was a little depressed lately so he stayed home sleeping and Minho had a family dinner that night.

He almost missed the party but Jae-sun asked him to come. It was his b-day after all and he couldn’t accept a no for an answer.

Taemin sipped his beer while he watched Jae-sun talking with two girls who were clearly into him. That made Taemin smile. He was truly a charismatic person.

“Hi!”

He turned around to see Minseo looking back at him. His eyes widened because that woman didn’t look like the Minseo he knew. Her black hair was cut shortly, around her chin, she was probably wearing contact lenses since she didn’t have her glasses on and she was wearing a beautiful and yet simple mint dress.

“Hi!” He answered back feeling awkward. It was weird since he spoked to her online almost every day and yet he didn’t see her ever since that day they decided to be friends. “You look different.” He blurted out being his honest careless self. It was different online, where he could say anything. He enjoyed their little chats about everything.

“Different in a bad or good way?” She asked blinking her eyes in a nervous way so similar to his.

“Good!” He nodded his head raising his thumb and she laughed softly stepping forward so she could stay by his side watching the party, the others having fun. They both didn’t fit that kind of party.

They stayed in silence side by side doing just that. Silence didn’t feel uncomfortable and he drank his beer while she grasped her small white bag with both her hands observing everything with her curious eyes.

He stole a glance at her and took his time studying her features. Her nose was small and cute and she had small eyelashes that she probably highlighted with mascara. Her lips were a soft shade of pink and he realized when she turned to look at him that they were really full and shaped as if she was a doll. Actually all about her was very doll like. Starting from her size and that thought made him giggle. She watched him with curious eyes while he covered his mouth.

“What?” She seemed a little annoyed with him and Taemin tried to control his laughter “You look like a doll!”

She watched him for a while and then grabbed the bottle of beer from his hand drinking from it. He watched her surprised while she drank the rest of his beer in one go.

She cleaned in a very un-lady like way and smirked at him “Dolls don’t drink beer!”

He looked away in silence and Minseo touched her hot cheek. They just shared an indirect kiss. Well she did. She was so focused on her embarrassment that she didn’t see his hand in front of her. Only when he waved it, she looked at him.

“Give me the bottle. I’ll grab a new one for you.”

He was trying to be nice to her and she moved her lips in thought noticing how his eyes never leaved hers.

“No. I can’t. I’ll get drunk and I don’t want to pay for a taxi back home. I’ll go by train.”

“I’ll take you home.” He offered naturally and she raised her doll like eyes to him. For a few seconds his eyes moved to her lips and then back to her eyes.

“Sure.” He stood there wondering what she just agreed with. The beer or the ride home?

She tucked her short hair behind her ear and answered to the question as if she could read his mind “The ride…”

“Ah!” He said turning back to the party, both in silence once again.

However he was feeling less bored now that she was by his side.

 

~ Lillie stops counting ~

 

Four months passed. For both it was a nightmare but it was worse for Lillie since he was busy preparing the comeback and she had nothing useful to do. After the brief moments when her father seemed to be coming back to consciousness, everything was back to normal. He still lay in the hospital bed and Lillie despaired, trying to be a good daughter, leaving all her life, for her parents. She didn’t even search for a job yet. She didn’t want to do it and feel like it was permanent. Instead she spent all her time drawing and she did what Jinki told her. Lillie made some t-shirts and small crafts with the drawings and sold them, being able to do enough money for her daily necessities. She didn’t need much money. Just enough to repay Jinki someday. She reassured him about that every week when they called each other. They no longer did it every day but they still texted each other a good morning and good night message. She used to call Jules more often than him now.

Lillie felt as if they were a world apart now. Her memories of Korea and of what she lived with him were the only thing making her keep  going forward but they also felt like old photographs of things that didn’t happen to her in that life.

She knew her dream was ending but she was scared to say it out loud.

Every time they talked on the phone she tried to relate that man to the one she saw on her laptop, going to events, posting selcas on sns and she couldn’t do it.

Besides. the rumor of Jinki leaving the commoner girlfriend were growing since he never mentioned her again and his fans seemed to sense that something was wrong with him. He was even more hardworking and looking more tired and less happy.

Then the day of his comeback arrived and she saw the new pictures of him with sakura hair.

While everyone went crazy on sns, - the same one she rarely updated and practically only used to it to speak with Minseo, Rin and Jules - she cried because he didn’t tell her about it.

She felt like an idiot. It was only a new haircut, nothing more than that, but to her it meant that she was back to being a fan, in the best case scenario she was the friend she was before when she met him.

She couldn’t ignore the fact that they only had phone twice after that night, the fact that he now wrote I love you as a common thing and not as if it was something he felt, they had so much to talk and yet she couldn’t bear to say the words, to ask him to tell her that he loved her, that he missed her. Their conversations now felt superficial, about the weather and not much more besides what they did that day. It was as if he was afraid to hurt her saying how much fun he had at an event, at how he was exciting about something. It was as if he was always hiding things from her to protect her and that hurt her even more.

She knew it was ending and she didn’t know what to do to stop it for happen.

Coming back home was good for her family but not for her. She was becoming the depressed person from before and only playing with her niece and building slowly a relationship with her brother was making her smile lately.

That morning, after Lillie cried because Jinki dyed his hair she played with her baby niece and talked with her sister in law. They become closer now since Lillie’s brother was always traveling to London and back and she stayed there to be close to his family in case they needed something.

Obviously she couldn’t hide how she felt and soon they were talking about distant relationships. Lillie wanted to know how she felt, away from her husband every time he had to travel to another country, working. He was once in India for 3 months.

To Lillie’s surprise she talked about as if it was a normal thing. For her it probably was, she learned to live like that, they adapted as a couple to it and Lillie felt a little better. Maybe she could too. Adapt to it. Maybe she could find a job and get enough money to visit Jinki.

However the worst thing was the moments Lillie’s brother missed of his daughter’s life. Moments he will never get to experience, moments that makes us and changes us into who we are.

Lillie knew what her sister in law meant. Tokyo Dome, Jinki solo debut someday, all his new projects, all his new conquests in his professional life and even personal…she wouldn’t be there to see, to be by his side. She would miss all of them. He would keep living and she was there stagnated watching from the side line, a world apart for him. Jinki would avoid sharing it with her too, afraid to look happy when he should be sad because she wasn’t there by his side.

Then there was another thing. Slowly she forgot about how he smelled, about how his lips felt like against her skin. She could replay the memories but the sensations were leaving her. Even how his voice sounded outside a phone was slowly fading from her memory. That worried her.

She didn’t want that. She didn’t want that abysm between them to grow into bitterness and fuzzy memories. She wanted their love to be frozen forever, their last memories to be good ones not resentment of what he missed because of her, not sadness about they were missing.

That’s why she made a decision to let him go. When she left Korea Jinho was right. She didn’t want to break up with him and that’s why she accepted his promise to wait but now, now she did. It was probably the hardest decision she ever made. Even more painful than leaving her home in a crazy trip to live in south Korea but it was for a better good. She was going to break up with him, ruin her changes of being happy but opening the possibility for him to be happy with someone else.

That’s why she spent the afternoon crying and called him at night, knowing it would be morning in Korea.

She hated to ruin his mood like that and she hoped he would be able to continue to work hard since his official comeback was the next week but she needed to do it. For both. For what they shared together.

“Lillie? I’m so relieved!” He answered with a sleepy voice, that husky voice she loved so much, the same one he had every morning when she woke up by his side. She often would kiss him lingering, making him smile. Those weeks she stayed at the dorm would forever stay in her memory.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you yesterday or send you a text like always.”

“Have you been crying?” He asked worried. He knew her and that hurt even more.

“No. Congratulations on the comeback. I saw the teasers. Looks wonderful!”

“I’m so tired.” He chuckled

“You didn’t tell me about your hair.” She tried to clean her voice from any judgment but she couldn’t.

“I’m sorry. I must have forgotten. It’s so many things to worry about…Do you like it?”

“I wish I could touch it.” It sounded so bitter and she couldn’t help but remember when they started dating, at how she touched his hair inside the restaurant, his blonde hair. How attracted she was to it. Later she was able to run her fingers through his hair so many times, she kissed it, she pulled it while they made love…

“You will…” It didn’t sound convincing and Lillie rubbed her red eyes. Not even Jinki believed on it anymore.

“I don’t want this anymore!” She said biting her lip trying not to cry.

“What?” He was hearing her more attentively now. He knew what she meant.

“I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t want us to end like this…”

“What are you talking about?”

“My feelings!” She closed her eyes doing what she first plan to do. Lie. “Are not the same anymore!”

He chuckled nervous “You don’t mean that. I know what you are doing. You are pushing me away!”

“I mean it.” She slowly breathed out “I don’t love you anymore!” Lying was actually easier when you don’t see the other persons face. If he was in front of her she wouldn’t be able to say that.

“You are lying!” He seemed upset now “I know you! You love me and I know what you are trying to do! This is not funny Lillie!”

“I’m not lying! Please let’s do it. Let’s finish it here. Don’t call me anymore. Keep living your life and thank you for everything and I’ll pay you...” she kept talking even though he was protesting on the other side. She couldn’t stop now “…what I own you. All the money. So Please…Live your life and be happy!”

“Lillie. Can you stop doing this?” he sounded so much in pain that she couldn’t hold in the tears. She was crying now, sobbing and she knew he didn’t believe in any of her lies. She was tired of crying. It needed to stop. He didn’t deserve that in his life. All that pain…

“I love you more than anything and that’s why I am doing this. I want you to remember me and this relationship as something good in your life not this…So please let’s break up!”

“Relationships are for the good and the bad. I can’t Lillie. It will break my heart and I don’t want to live without you. I know we can make this work! I love you!”

It was so long ever since she heard him say that that it hurt so much more.

“You can. You will learn to do it. No one is irreplaceable!”

“You are! To me you are!”

She knew what he meant. For her no one would ever be like him.

“Thank you! Goodbye, Jinki!”

“Lillie please don’t…” He pleaded but she made her decision already.

“I’m sorry! Never stop smiling please…”

She turned the call off.

The dream was over.

It was the last time they spoke on the phone. He tried to call her for days after that conversation but she always ignored it or turned off her phone. Eventually he stopped filling her kakao chat with love messages, he stopped calling and she knew that he also stopped counting.

 

The winter’s white snow that has fallen and covered everything to its capacity

Inside the sweater, you had shyly given to me as a present

Your scent still lingers

So baby I’ll wait

 

I’ll wait for you (Until the end)

I’ll remember your image hidden in all four seasons

If I close my eyes, it’s like you’re suddenly here with me

I’ll wait for you (Without changing, I’ll wait)

I’ll remember your image hidden in all four seasons

If I close my eyes, it’s like you’re suddenly here with me

Oh I love you

 

 

~ Jinki stops counting ~

 

The day they broke up ended with Taemin taking care of a very drunk and crying Jinki. And soon everyone inside SHINee knew what happened.

They avoided talking about it but Jinki could see how much they were pampering him lately, inviting him out to eat, taking him shopping, suggesting that he could call his friends. He knew that they were trying to keep him busy outside of work so he wouldn’t think about Lillie, so he wouldn’t fall into depression like when My Young left him.

Now that period seemed like nonsense to him. Could he even call that suffering?!

It was hard at first. He only wanted to be home sleeping when he had free time. It was the only way to not think about her, to not replay their special moments together, to think about the fact that they wouldn’t complete their list anymore.

He was right. For a few days he really felt as if he couldn’t live without her. Nothing much changed in his daily life but the fact that he knew that he couldn’t speak to her again, kiss her again, touch her…it was so painful to him as if his lungs didn’t have enough air to breathe.

She was irreplaceable. Whatever she said she was, but he needed to learn how to live without her.

It was hard though and he tried calling her several times until he stopped. Instead he started asking Rin and Jules, every time he saw them, about Lillie. If she was fine, if she was healthy what she was up to. They always tried to not give him much information and he knew that Lillie asked them not to. However he knew that her father didn’t wake up yet, even after 5 months passed, that Lillie was probably suffering as much as he was, that she probably still loved him since she had no one by her side.

Then he would send messages to Lillie by them. That he loved her, that he missed her, that he was sorry.

He wasn’t sure if they delivered them but they probably did hoping that Lillie would come around and come back to Korea.

It was becoming more and more like something impossible, but deep inside everyone still wanted to believe in it.

Then the day he stopped counting came.

“You need to stop this!” Kibum said making Jinki cover his ears. They were in Japan preparing their mini album, filming the mv and Jinki spent all night out drinking with some friends. He didn’t sleep anything at all and was like a zombie the whole day of the filming. It was so unnatural, the one who was always so responsible. “I know you are sad and that at first it was our fault that you started this bohemian life but…You need to rest. And don’t lie saying that you didn’t smoke yesterday. I smell it in your clothes!”

Taemin was in the couch across from Jinki and sent him a worried look.

“It was only last night...” Jinki mumbled covering his head. It hurt like hell probably because of the lack of rest.

“I don’t give a if it was only last night. You said you would stop smoking! You got sick! You almost stopped singing Jinki. You need to start caring more about your health!” Kibum stared at Minho that was playing with his phone, asking for help. They needed to scold him as a group if they wanted Jinki to keep going with his life. “Minho you have something to add too!”

“Oh yeah!” He quickly put his phone away and also exchanged a worried look with Taemin “He is right! We all agree with him!”

“You all discussed this?” Jinki asked rubbing his temple “Don’t you have more important stuff to talk about besides my ing life?”

“Stop being rude!” Jonghyun said hitting Jinki head in a very dangerous move. The older one sent him a hateful look but Jonghyun ignored him. “I may not agree with everything Kibum has to say but we all wish you the best. Besides you once did this for me and I’m paying back the favor. That’s what a family does. They pick up the broken pieces and glue them together!”

Jinki groaned moving his red tired eyes to Kibum who picked up from what Jonghyun said.

“I know Jonghyun doesn’t agree but you should listen to us on this. It’s over Jinki. She won’t come back. You won’t come back together and you need to move on. The denial phase needs to end.”

“I didn’t know I was in denial!” Jinki mumbled.

“You still wear the ring!” Minho pointed out and Jinki stared at his hand. The couple ring. “You still call her almost every day. You speak about her every day, You look at her pictures on your cellphone and you act as if you two are still dating and going through a crisis.”

“It’s over!” Taemin repeated and Jinki raised his wet eyes to him. He also lost Melody. He knew it was over.

“I wish it wasn’t!” Jonghyun observed rubbing Jinki shoulder “But they are right. You need to move on.”

“We want our Jinki back!” Taemin said sadly.

“What should I do then?!” Jinki asked feeling completely lost. He couldn’t simply shut off his heart, tell his brain to stop thinking about her, erase her from his life.

“Start living your life again. Taking care of yourself. Focus on work and your family. Start a new adventure. Something new!” Kibum suggested. “I need to go shopping for new clothes. Come with me, help me.”

“We can also work on your solo debut. “ Jonghyun suggested “we can have some ideas together.”

“I was thinking about going to Jeju Island for a weekend. Want to come with me?” Minho suggested.

Jinki eyes moved from Kibum to Jonghyun and then Minho, ending in Taemin.

“We can do it together hyung. Soon you won’t think much about her anymore. I know.” He forgot Melody. Jinki would forget Lillie too.

Jinki felt like crying. He was so blessed to have them in their life. They were right. He needed to move forward, start living again, start taking chances.

He had an opportunity to do that the following week when he was at SM Building practicing alone.

He didn’t even notice when Min Hee entered the room and only spotted her when she clapped.

“As always oppa is doing great!”

He smiled at her, his eyes settling on her beautiful green eyes and seductive smile.

She was so different from Lillie. But once again. Lillie was irreplaceable.

However he didn’t want to replace Lillie. He needed something new, refreshing. A new adventure like his team mates suggested.

“Min Hee…” She widened her eyes surprised at the way he was speaking her name so sweetly. He never before spoke to her like that. “Want to have dinner with me tonight?”

She smiled beautifully and he sighed of relief because he was afraid she had given up on him already.

“Of course, oppa.” She didn’t blush like Lillie did when he asked her to go out for the first time, she didn’t smell like Lillie and she wasn’t shy or afraid to be around him like Lillie was in the beginning.

 They didn’t have much interests in common like he had with Lillie, which was funny since Lillie always complained about the opposite when they were so alike on the way they perceived things, joking around, being able to read each other thoughts easily. She was a lot like him even if she couldn’t see it.

But Min Hee and Jinki had singing in common and she was funny and very social. She knew so many people and they had a good time talking about other idols they knew. They didn’t make dorky jokes or flirted like he used to do with Lillie. It was different and he was thankful for that. Thinking about Lillie was still painful and he didn’t need a woman in his life that made him miss Lillie every time he saw her.

That night after he came back from his first date with Min Hee he placed all the pictures of Lillie and gifts she gave him over his bed. It was more than he thought. It was the watch, the scarf, the picture on his bedside table, her fan letter and so many other things they collected along the time they were together. He placed everything inside a box, touching everything carefully as if it was a treasure. And then he took off the ring and looked at it.

She almost killed him because of that ring and the thought made him smile. He remembered the date under the stars and he would never forget the way it felt to laugh with her, to embrace her, to kiss her, to make love with her…he didn’t want to forget it at all.

He placed the ring over the orange scarf and sighed grabbing the list he made of things he wanted to do with Lillie. They would never fulfill it now and at first when she broke up with him he was angry.

Angry with her and himself for not being able to believe in that relationship, for not being able to mend things between them. Now he was slowly accepting it. He knew she did it for him to be happy and for her to stop being tired and confused, divided between two countries and two lives. Jinki knew she did it so that their love story wouldn’t end being a bitter memory, so that they would part still cherishing each other.

He knew all that and he wasn’t angry with her anymore but he still thought it was a bad idea. He still wished it could be different. Nevertheless he did what he could. He waited. He couldn’t wait anymore if she didn’t want him to wait.

“You are one of a kind.” His eyes moved to the several pictures they took together and then to that special fan letter where she wrote I love you for the first time. “You came and conquered my heart so easily that I didn’t even see it coming. I won’t ever forget you. Funny…you weren’t my first love but I feel like you were…Maybe you were!” He folded the list and placed it inside the box too.

He hesitated but closed the box and placed it under his bed.

Jinki officially stopped counting, that day.

 

I round the path you left on

You’re on your way back to me right now

Like the late first snow of winter

And the delayed summer rains

So baby I’ll wait

 

 

~ Starting Again ~

 

It was evening already and barely any light entered Lillie’s father bedroom inside the hospital.

Still it was enough for her to keep drawing while she stayed beside her father. Lately Lillie was searching for a job and soon she knew she wouldn’t be able to stay by his side like before so she was doing an effort of spending at least the afternoons with him.

“Why do you keep drawing so much?” Her brother asked entering the room. He knew how she was selling some of her cute cartoon in handmade t-shirts and other merchandising.

“Because I promised someone that I would never stop doing so.”

“Your boyfriend?” She didn’t even raise her eyes to him but her brother knew that all the drawings were inspired on the boys group her boyfriend was in.

He pulled the other chair closer to Lillie’s and sat beside her, leaning his head against the wall.

“Mom told me that you broke up.”

“Yes. I broke up with him!” He poked her head and Lillie raised her eyes to him. Lately they were closer and she could see in his eyes the teenager he was when she was a girl. She didn’t know how they started to drift away but somehow now they were closer than ever. Tragedies do make people get closer.

“I’m sorry.” He said looking at her while she sketched a cute bunny with a prince crown. “Is that him?” He asked pointing at the cute smiling figure on the corner of the sheet.

“Yes…”

“You still love him!” It was a fact and she didn’t even dare to deny it.

“Well life is like that. Sometimes loving is not enough.” She said trying to brush the subject away but he didn’t let her. He was as stubborn as her.

“I don’t believe that. You two sounded perfect for each other. I mean the things he did for you…what he did with you. You are not the same. You are…the Lillie I knew when we were kids. He saved you!”

“Really?” She looked at him wondering if he felt the same as her. That they somehow drifted away because they wandered from who they were before.

“Yes. I remember when I came back from studying in London and I met you. You were like a scared kitty, hiding in your bedroom. You rarely smiled, you didn’t have dreams…. Lillie you were always happy when you were a kid. You had so many plans and so little time to do it. Alex destroyed you. I always hated him and his fake smile. I told mom that he was no good for you but she never heard me.”

Lillie kissed his cheek “Thank you!” He was probably the only one who saw through his mask but sadly her brother was too far away to help her leave that nightmare she lived.

“No. I should thank this guy! He made you happy again. He made you again. He deserves a medal. He deserves you going back to him!”

Lillie cleaned her eyes. She wasn’t supposed to cry. “That’s impossible. It was always impossible since the start!”

“Why?”

“He is an idol and I am me!”

“You are perfect as you are and I think he would agree with me or he wouldn’t have tried to contact you so fervently.” He sighed “Do you miss him?”

“Terribly!”

“Then why are you here, Lillie?” It was hard for him to say it but it was the truth “Dad might never wake up. You know that don’t you? You are letting happiness slip away from you. I don’t think dad would like that at all! I bet that if he knew he would wake up immediately to scold you!” he raised his voice speaking to the motionless body over the bed “DO YOU HEAR ME, DAD?! LILLIE IS BEING STUPID AGAIN!”

Lillie giggled hitting her bother arm.

“Why are you here too? Shouldn’t you be back to London for good?”

“I have everyone I love here. You are here; my wife and daughter are here. What about you Lillie? Do you even belong here or do you belong in South Korea?”

She bit her lip thinking. Korea felt like home and she knew he was right.

“Go back home! We can always visit you and you can visit us too.”

Lillie spent half the night thinking about her brother words. South Korea was truly the place she called home and even if Jinki wasn’t part of her future, South Korea was. Her friends were there, half her things still were there. Jules struggled to pay the rent alone for months in hopes Lillie would come back and she knew that Kibum was probably helping her with that. However Jules couldn’t wait forever and soon she would search for a new roommate.

Could she go back to South Korea someday?

The answer came the next morning once Lillie opened her eyes. She was drooling over the sheets of her dad’s bed, which made her smile thinking about how Jinki once about it, because she drooled over his pillow. She her lips and cleaned before raising her head. Someone was watching her and she blinked her eyes wondering if she was dreaming. Her father was looking at her.

“Lillie?” He spoke clearly confused and she stood up almost falling from the chair, her hand grabbing his immediately.

“Daddy?”

He smiled slightly “When did you come back? Where am I? What happened?”

She could feel the tears of joy falling from her eyes and she turned around screaming for the nurses.

He called her name again and Lillie hesitated between running to call for help and staying by his side. She couldn’t leave him now or it might all end up being only a dream. She couldn’t risk that! She kissed his forehead quickly “DON’T FALL ASLEEP, YOU HEAR ME!”

She turned around to search for help when a nurse entered the room.

“HE WOKE UP!” She screamed covering watching the nurse doing a quick check up on her father.

At that moment she felt like miracles truly happened. She was in that same room hours ago joking with her brother, thinking that going back to South Korea, to her friend, to her old life, and more importantly to Jinki was impossible and now…Now anything was possible!

She couldn’t think about any of that for now though. She could only smile while she saw her father speaking to the nurse, observing Lillie while he did so.

Everything was possible again!

 

 

That night Lillie gave Jules the good news. Of course her friend said that she was expecting Lillie soon, that she should get back that they would find her a job together and make things work out in South Korea. That thrilled Lillie a lot and for a while she almost said yes to the madness but she couldn’t yet. She still needed to stay by her father’s side until she was sure that he recovered completely.

The next week he went back home and everyhtign started to fall into place.

Lillie was hanging washed clothes on the clothesline, outside with her sister in law when she asked her, from behind a white sheet, when she was going back home. It was funny how everyone called South Korea her home.

“I’m not sure If I will!” She dreamed about it every night but somehow it scared her to go back as much as she wanted to. So many things would have changed and she wasn’t sure if she could accept it.

“You should.” He sister in law said firmly.  Lillie suspected that her brother told her to push her to go back.

“How can you survive away from my brother?” Lillie asked. He went back to London for a week and soon his wife and baby would join him.

“I’m used to it as I told you before. When I married him he already had this line of work and traveled all around the world so…It’s something I need to endure to be with him.”

Lillie bit her lip thinking. Just like Jinki…

“You should get back to your man too. Why are you making him wait?”

He wasn’t waiting anymore and yet the question didn’t leave Lillie the whole day.

She wanted to go even though she wasn’t dating Jinki anymore. She imagined herself showing up at the door of the dorm and surprising him, both stumbling inside the apartment in a never ending kiss, falling into his bed. She missed his lips, his hands on her body, his scent, his voice, his smile…she missed everything about him.

That night she played In your Eyes music box, the one he gave her, several times, alternating with the recording of how he said goodbye to her on kakao. She was lovesick. More than ever that sickness was making her wither.

“He gave you all that?” Her mom asked from the door of Lillie’s bedroom, pointing at a box filled with Jinki presents and memories. The soft toys were there, the gifts were there, he was there in small snippets of memories. Lillie quickly grabbed the list where she wrote all the romantic and ert wishes she wanted to do with him and hid it under her sweater.

“Yes. I brought them with me.” She tried not to stutter so her mom wouldn’t be suspicious. She didn’t want her to see it. That piece of paper with her broken wishes and memories.

“Your dad is feeling better and we were discussing it…you should go back.”

Lillie smiled because everyone seemed to have the same idea lately.

“I heard you talk about that man for months and the more I know about him the more I’m sure that you still love him and that you should go back to him.”

“It’s not that simple, you are here. It’s very far away.”

“Lillie, it’s time for you to fly again. Last time you did it and look at you now. You are so different.” Her mother pushed the box closer to Lillie. “You don’t belong here anymore, You belong in that country either you are by his side or not. Besides you can come whenever you want. We can pay your plane ticket or your brother can lend you the money.” Her mom sat by her side and grabbed her hand. “You will always have a home here if you want to come back but I doubt you will. You are an adult now. You flew and you found yourself again. That’s where you should be, where you’re happy. My daughter should be where she has her most beautiful memories, not here, when she flinches every time she enters her bedroom.”

“Mom…I’m ok…it doesn’t hurt much anymore.”

“Go back!” Her mom patted Lillie’s hand. “Go back home and be happy!”

“Mom, you will be here alone.”

“So what? We will be ok. As long as you and your brother are happy we will be ok. Someday you will have kids of your own and you will understand.”

Lillie hugged her mom, words not coming out. She was thankful to her, she never blamed her for anything that happened to her and she knew that deep down her mother still blamed herself for what happened.

“I’ll be really happy. I promise!” Her mom released a soft cry because that was all she wanted to hear.

Lillie released her mom after a few seconds. “About dad…don’t tell him about…”

Her mom sniffed “Of course not.”

He should never know about Alex. That would be a great sorrow for him and he probably would blame himself even more than her mom. She was his little girl. He was never the type of man to show feelings, he rarely hugged or kissed his daughter but Lillie could feel his love on the small gestures, how he always bought her favorite sweet bread, how he often moved his hand to her head telling her that she did good in school, how he would watch her playing outside in the garden for long minutes before disappearing inside.

“Then…” Lillie felt tears fill her eyes and this time it wasn’t from sadness. Her life was changing once again “Then I’ll go back to South Korea.”

“Need help packing?” Her mom asked brightly and Lillie couldn’t be more grateful to her.

She did her duty as a daughter; she reconnected with her brother and family. She didn’t feel guilty of abandoning them no more. She was finally free to start her new life. She was free to get back to Jinki and hopefully he would accept her back.

“I’m going home!” Lillie said grabbing the box with Jinki memories. That was definitely going back with her.

I’ll wait for you

Wait for you

Wait for you

Wait for you

While flipping each page of the calendar over

I’ve naturally come to wait for you

 

 

Lillie pushed the cart with her bags and tried to not hit anyone. She was home. It was extremely hot outside. It was July now, almost August and Lillie was back after more than half a year.

She couldn’t stop smiling even though the plane trip was tiring, even though her feet hurt because of her new shoes, she didn’t care about the rude person who bumped into her, about how her Korean was a bit rusty now and about how she made several mistakes speaking to the airport employees. She was finally home.

She stopped the cart where she had more space and grabbed her cellphone. She already called her mom and brother when she was picking up her bags and now it was time to call Jules. She couldn’t wait to surprise her.

“Yes?” A sleepy moody voice came from the other side and Lillie laughed.

“Good morning Princess!”

“ing Princess Lillie…its 6 am in a Saturday! Please, can’t you get the time differences right?”

“Sweet as always!” Lillie chuckles “Where are you?”

“Where…” Jules sighed and lowered her voice “Kibum’s apartment. He is sleeping…thankfully you didn’t wake him up!”

“Oh I’m sorry.” Lillie giggled “Can’t believe you are sleeping with him!”

“We are dating….of course I’m sleeping with him! What are you talking about? Why are you even calling me so early?”

They spoke before Lillie embarked to Korea but Jules didn’t know about it yet. Lillie bit her lip, a teasing sparkle in her eyes “Well I’m sorry to ruin your morning in bed but. Come pick me up!”

“Hum. What?” Her voice was calm so Jules didn’t realize it yet.

“Jules I’m so tired. It’s a huge flight from my country to South Korea!”

“WHAT?” She was full awake now and Lillie heard someone groan. It was probably Key. He was awake now too.

“I’m home Jules! I told you my dad was better! I came to stay forever!”

“Yes but you said…OH MY GOD LILLIE? REALLY?” She seemed so happy that Lillie felt like screaming in happiness too.

“Yes. I have a lot of bags and I could use some help. So can you call a taxi and come to pick me up or not? ”

“OF COURSE! Just give me some minutes to get ready!”

“I’m sorry. I was going to call Jinki and I almost did because I miss him so much but that would be awkward. We don’t talk in a while now. I want to see him more than anything else…”

“Ah…right…” Jules sounded a little weird but Lillie didn’t even notice, so deep inside her happiness bubble.

“I’ll wait for you outside. Come quickly!”

 

 

 

Lillie waited for Jules patiently observing the same long road like she did on the first time she landed in Korea. It all felt the same and even the small electronic store was there. She grabbed her small bag and pulled her two other bags with her in the direction of it.

It was actually funny how another SHINee album was on the window of it. It felt like destiny and Lillie decided to enter the store to buy it. She didn’t have much money left from her small part time jobs and the things she sold but it was enough for a few weeks. And besides she didn’t have that one yet. She avoided buying it because it was too painful to see Jinki in it, to hear him sing.

However now she could do it. She could be a shawol again.

She opened the album outside and marveled at the pictures. He looked as handsome as ever and she curiously turned the album so she could see the back. The corner of the photocard could be seen coming out from the photo booklet and Lillie smiled because she knew who it was before she even pulled it out.

She didn’t see the photo cards but deep inside her heart she knew.

That was once again, life playing with her. It was destiny. Even though she told herself before that she gave up on him, she never truly believed it. She never stopped counting the days left for her to see him.

She pulled the photocard and a smiling Onew looked back at her from the picture.

“Hello Sunshine. I missed you!” She kissed the photocard. That was yet another lucky charm. She was sure she would fulfil her parents wish. She would be absolutely happy. Lillie now wanted that, she believed that she deserved it. And above all she knew she wanted him. She couldn’t be happy if she didn’t have Jinki in her life.

“God I really want to kiss you Lee Jinki…and hug you…and…” An old lady watched her curiously and Lillie stopped her monologue. She was already behaving like a crazy woman and she only arrived. It made her giggle. Soon she would also see Taemin, Key, Minho and Jonghyun. And her friends Minseo and Rin would be so happy…and even Jinho.

Lillie looked at the photocard again “Did you miss me?”

He didn’t answer but Lillie didn’t mind. She was back home and in a few hours she would see him and could ask him personally that.

 

I’ll wait for you (I wait like this)

I’ll remember your image hidden in all four seasons

Keeps me nourished like fresh air

I’ll wait for you

I’ll wait for you

My heart that waits for all four seasons to come

Like blue plants, always in this spot

 

 

Did you miss me?

On the other side of the city Lee Jinki woke up.

He had a strange dream. He was practicing for a high jump competition with Minho but they end up not going because Jonghyun had an argument with one of the judges that called him a minion. So Onew and Minho had to pull Jonghyun away from the venue. Then Taemin showed up in a pink Ferrari and told them that he as quitting SHINee to be a striptease dancer. They were speechless until Key showed up and nagged them about going with him to the bathroom. Weirdly they all did and Jinki stayed outside playing with his phone like on the night of that dinner so long ago when he was dating Lillie. However this time it wasn’t Min Hee that showed up in front of him and grabbed his phone that fall, it was Lillie.

She looked as beautiful as he remembered and his heart exploded inside his chest when he saw her. She was wearing her old blue coat, her yellow sweater with a bunny underneath it and she smiled at him. Her lips red, her hair falling in curls around her face like on the night of their Christmas date. Everything about her looked perfect as if she was a work of art like he told her once. But the most beautiful thing about her was her eyes. So full of hope that matched her open smile that he always loved ever since the first time he saw her.

She looked so happy and with no worries, like on the day he kissed her over that small cute bridge during their weekend gateway.

He was frozen unable to speak but she didn’t seem to mind. Instead she spoke “Did you miss me?”

Her voice was like music to his hears and he found himself smile back at her. “Yes…”

He couldn’t answer though because he woke up, his eyes focusing on the bedside table where her pic was once. Now it was inside a box under his bed. He didn’t dare to open it anymore or the pain would come back.

He sat on the bed and sighed rubbing his temple. He didn’t dream with Lillie in a very long time and the weirdest thing was the way his heart was still beating fast as if she was truly real and in front of him. Also the way she showed up in the dream, replacing Min Hee. It hit him on the guts. It was like a betrayal.

However he was sure he did the right thing moving on.

His hand moved instinctively to his chest to the necklace around his neck. He grabbed it, his fingers slowly moving to the ring on it.

He looked at it, at how the words Jinki heart Lillie didn’t seem to fade with the time.

Min Hee hated that necklace. She asked him to take it off on their first time together two weeks ago. He rarely took it off and he knew why. Because he didn’t want Lillie to stop being a part of him but he did that night. Not because Min Hee asked him but because he didn’t want Lillie to be there in that moment. He groaned rubbing his head. He couldn’t think about that night of with Min Hee. It was still very confusing to him.

“What are you doing, Lillie?” he asked to the ring rotating it in his hand.

He was an idiot. He still loved her even though he said he moved on. Min Hee knew it. She acted like the loving girlfriend, pretending to be understandable, telling him that it is ok to think about your ex once in a while but Jinki knew how she hated Lillie and everything that she represented to him. He couldn’t blame her. She loved him and always tried to demonstrate it to him in everything she did but he always seemed to fail showing her that he liked her too. Because he did like her, right?!

The was nice. He wasn’t with a woman in a few months so it was very pleasurable. However…why didn’t he seem to want to repeat it?!

He shook his head standing up from the bed. He needed to shower and go out. He felt like seeing his hyung Hyung-Soo, also known to the public as K.Will. They weren’t together in a long time and Jinki wondered if he was busy.

He yawned releasing the ring that hit his skin. He couldn’t part with it. He had to pick it up from the box that night when he decided to move on and placed everything that Lillie gave him inside a box. It symbolized Lillie and more importantly one of the happiest moments of his life, when she was a part of it.

The truth was that even though he told himself that he stopped waiting for her and counting the days until he saw her again, he was lying. He never really stopped believing that he would see her again. In a way he was still waiting for her…

Her name danced in his lips even though he didn’t dare to say it out loud and he walked to the bathroom. Minho screamed something at him, ready to go out for a run but Jinki completely ignored it.

He needed to get ready for another day without her in his life.

Without knowing that, in that exact moment Lillie was looking at his photocard, not that far away from there, entering his life again.

In a few hours they would met again and then both could stop counting.

 

The two of us here as if I had just met you yesterday

Like the promise I kept

Someday I’ll be able to encounter you

We’ll be able to be together

Like white snow that always melts, I’ll warm your heart towards me so it melts

You just have to stay by my side when we dream

We together, you and I forever

 

This is my love story

A true sad story

Listen…

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

Sequel Marrying an Idol:

If Dating an idol was difficult, Marrying him is an hundred times worse.

Lillie is back to Korea hoping to recover her relationship with Onew and fulfil their dream of marrying each other. However he seemed to have moved on and now he has a new girlfriend that is everything that Lillie always wanted to be. But Lillie isn’t the insecure girl she was before. She is willing to fight for his love and be the woman he always saw on herself.

Jinki moved on, or so he thought until Lillie literally came from the sky back to his life once again. Divided between the confusing, and yet easy, relationship he has with Min Hee and his feelings for the improved Lillie that he always loved, Jinki doesn’t know what to do. If he did forget about Lillie why can’t he stop thinking about her and wanting to meet her now that she is back?

Would they end up together and strike the number one wish of both their couple lists – building their own family? The road to marriage and happily ever after never seemed so long…

 

(I wrote this yesterday at night after I finished the chapter so I was drunk in feels..aahhaha sorry! Also forgive me for any typos and gramatical mistakes!)

This is huge so ill separate it on topics so you can read what you feel like....readeverythingpleassse....kidding!

ABOUT THE STORY AND SEQUEL:

I'm cry....seriously. It took me days to write this and still I'm not satisfied with it. Why? Because this isnt how I planned to wne it at all. I wanted a happy ending but I had to cut on the number of chapters. I absolutely promise a happy ending in Marrying an Idol. I DO! *pinky promise*

Please dont judge Lillie or Jinki.

They tried it but beign away from eahc other wasnt easy. They drifted apart because Lillie was always depressed with her present conditions with her father ilness and beign away from Jinki, not beign a part of his life and feelign like he couldnt share his happiness with her without feelign guilty made Lillie decide on the break up. However I dont think she ever believed on it.

Also dont blame Jinki for finding a girlfriend. He took a chance. He didnt mean for a relationship to happen so quickly and Min Hee helped him when he was down. She isnt that bad as you will see in the sequel...Besides even if Jinki is with Min Hee now, he still loves Lillie. He will be very confused in the sequel and cute confused Jinki will be adorable. I promise. Also a lot of jealousy because has I've hinted before someone else will enter the story and shake things up a little. eheheh I'm excited about it. Also be prepared for a new Lillie. Her inocence and romantic nature is intact but now she isnt the weak person she was before and will truly fight for Jinks....After all she made him the promise to always make him remember what they felt for each other, to make him come back to her. And she will do her best at it.

So the sequel (kinda spoilers not spoilers lol) will focus on Lillie and Jinki situation right now and how they got back together or not (duh..of coruse they get back together lmao) and their possible marriage and married life. Also revealing  their relationship to the public. 

I have a lot of plot ideas already and hopefuly I'll write something good enough for you to read.

I'm sorry if the ending disapoints you. As I said before it wasnt suposed to end like this but now, after I wrote it I think this ending fits it better.

As I said in the beginning, a story never ends, its only a beginning to another one.

Lillie dated Jinki. We followed them during their dating days, how they moved from the fangirl dating her idol to a woman dating a man. From the insecure girl to a stronger one. They fought, they got back together and they learned about each other to the point that now they barely need to speak to understand each other. 

Its time to move on to something more serious.

It's not about learning about each other but more keeping the love that they have now. 

TO EVERYONE WHO READ IT:

Thank you. I seriously would never ever end this if it wasnt for all the sweet comments, all the subscribers (155 at the time I wrote this) and all the upvotes that make me blush (15).

As I said before this story started as a game. Something I wanted to try out. Back then there wasnt any Alex, or Jules or anyone besides a nameless character that I called Lillie cos I didnt have name ideas and Jinki. 

Slowly everythign fall into place as if the characters had a life of their own, as if they really existed. And damn I wrote 40 chapters...o.o

Also I wrote a lot more stories because of Dating an Idol.

Its super imperfect, filled with grammar errors, some of the things in porevious chapters make me cringe and I promised myself that I would rewrite the chapters. lol 

But none of my other stories would exist if I didnt start writing this.

For that I'm already thankfull to Dating an Idol. It will always have a special place in my heart.

Also cos I wrote all my romantic fantasies with Onew in it everytime he attacked me with feels! LMAO

Also again, Lillie is not me. We share some of the same passions (hot chocolate, cute stuff) same profession (teaching lmao) and even some traits (insecurity) but Lillie is better than me. Also more beautiful...u.u I SWEAR. lol

One thing we do have in common, or love for an idol ahahhaa And I also want to thank Jinki someday.

That scene is no lie. I want to thank him for making my life better every day. He didnt save me from Alex (lmao. no Alex in my life thank god) but he saves me a little every day.

So in a way this is also for him...for being so inspiring, so special. 

*cries a little*

Back to topic...Thank you for reading this until the end (I mean the Author note too...ahahah) and thank you for everything!

You were also a part of Dating an Idol ever since 2013 when I started it. Also the reason I never said which country was Lillie's was for you to be able to connect with her. She is every shinee international fangirl out there, every mvp, one of us...

I'll Cherish every comment, every scream of joy in kakao or twitter when i announced that I updated the fic, every complain because I was taking a long time, everything!

Please dont unsubcribe the story now that it ended. I will post the link for the sequel here very soon. (so nervous about it ahahhaa)

See you soon (hopefuly you didnt leave me u.u )

OMO I DONT WANT IT TO END:....T__T

(it has a sequel you stupid....stop typing stuff here....sigh.....I can do this....)

See you soon~