(*This chapter was rewritten. I'll work on the other ones later.)

And then it happened; the night that changed everything, at least for Lee Jinki.

Everyone decided to eat Italian food and they end up at an Italian restaurant Kyu-won knew.

The whole group was eating spaghetti and Onew was happy because finally he had some time off. The last weeks were hectic because SHINee was preparing their first comeback of the year.

Having time off was good but that wasn’t the solo reason making him happy to be there.

He looked to his right side. Minjae was playing footsie with Jules, his girlfriend, underneath the table. He smiled before glancing at Lillie wondering if she noticed it too. She did because she was smiling, her cheeks a little pink.

Jinki couldn’t stop glancing in her direction all the last times they all have been together. She was an introvert girl, but she talked with everyone except him. They used to talk almost daily but things seemed to change since the day of her birthday. He wondered if he did something wrong or worse, his idol life scared her away. Maybe she only saw him as an idol, her idol. Only that thought was able to break his heart. It was his fault. He was sure of it and he wanted to reverse it and be closer to her once again.

Jinki loved to hear her voice, sometimes hesitant others loud when she was excited, words coming out of without her even thinking. He loved the way her eyes shined looking at cute things or talking about things she liked like SHINee; the way her lips curved into a shy smile every time he said anything to her; the way she touched her cheek when she was feeling hot or how she blinked when she was confused.

He wanted her to look at him like she looked at the others. He was jealous of the way she could act naturally around everyone but him. What he wasn’t aware was that the way she treated him different was a sign of affection and not indifference.  Lillie was trying her best to show herself that she wasn’t in love with Lee Jinki, but she was failing it miserable every time she cried hearing him sing; every time she wondered 100 times a day what he was doing, if he was eating well, if he had time to sleep, if he had time to play his games; every time she watched the fancams or his performances worried with his condition; every time she reread their old texts too precious to be deleted…

However, Jinki wanted her to be normal around him because he liked her in a very surprising way for him. She wasn’t stunningly beautiful like the women he was used to seeing on his daily life, she was awkward, shy and insecure and yet she was so precious for him.

He couldn’t explain it and every time he tried to think about it and examine his feelings he would get lost in her beautiful smile that sometimes was shy but always lovely; at how she made him feel happy and somehow relaxed as if she had a calming effect on him, and others excited, all his senses alive and testosterone running wild. 

At first, he thought she was different because she was his fan. But then he started dressing up every time he knew she was going to see her; he started making silly jokes, more than the usual just because she would laugh with them.  And at that moment their eyes would meet and he would see her for real, his heart would jump in his chest and he would get lost in her for moments until she looked away pretending that nothing happened between the two.

There was something in Lillie. He couldn’t explain, but he knew it the second time he met her. It was like a big snowball getting bigger and bigger. The way she looked at him like he was her hero and the way she thanked him. He felt the need to know her. To know where did she come from and where she was going. He actually felt that he wanted to be a part of her future path. That somehow the world made him know her and was telling him that it was important to not let her go from his life. That she needed to be a part of him, of his heart. Meeting Lillie seemed like a dream to him because he could only remember parts of it and it revealed to be such an important moment. He was in love before, at least he thought he was but what he was feeling now was different from before.

He wasn’t a romantic like Jonghyun. He wasn’t. And the thought that she was special scared him a little.

 “Do you like spaghetti Lillie?” Kyu-won asked her and Onew looked at her carefully. Watching her lips move and the way she blinked her eyes. Every little thing she did was capable of attracting his attention; keep him imprisoned under her spell.

“Yes, I love it!” she smiled but it wasn’t for him.

 “I would totally be a tramp if I could eat spaghetti every day!”  He said making everyone stare at him wondering what he meant. He didn’t care he was only waiting for her reaction. Would she get it?!

And then she almost choked on her food and started laughing. Her eyes closed and her hands grabbed the napkin on the table. Everyone was surprised and she tried to restrain herself.

“Sorry! It was too funny! Don’t you get it? Like in Lady and the Tramp right?” she said still smiling looking at the others explaining his attempt of a joke.

Her cheeks were red and her eyes were wet from laughing too much and he knew when she smiled at him that she was already important in his life. At that moment Honesty lyrics gained a new meaning to him. There was a connection in their relationship, a huge one that he couldn’t explain in words. She was in his heart already and he wanted to know what it felt to hold her in his arms or kiss her lips. He wanted her.

It was such an overwhelming feeling to Onew that he lost his appetite completely. What was wrong with him ever since she entered his life with her floral perfume, easy smile, and weird thank you ’s?

When they finished dinner she stood up and he quickly grabbed her coat, their hands touching briefly in a burning second enough to make his eyes met hers. He loved those moments so much but she always seemed so nervous when it happened. It was as if he fallen inside a romance novel because feelings like that couldn’t be real, right?!

Jinki helped her dress her blue coat, his hands lingering in her shoulders while she pulled her hair from under the coat, her scented brown hair falling on her back and over his hands that he moved slowly from her shoulders.

Lillie thanked him as usual, this time avoiding his eyes, and grabbed her small black bag while he watched her, not stepping away from her so he could somehow still feel her close to him, her soft floral perfume still inebriating him.

It was madness what Jinki felt. No! It was love. He fell in love with her.

She brushed her hair away looking at him because he was in her way, blocking her only way out as if he was waiting for something and making real the way she felt inside her heart, prisoned by him, with no way out.

Their friends were busy grabbing coats and still talking with each other to notice what was happening between them and that moment lasted for a few seconds that seemed like hours for both who desperately had so much to say and didn’t know how.

He wanted to hug her so badly, to pull her into his arms and never let her go. He felt like he needed to protect her and he didn’t even know from what. It was a possessive feeling he never felt before.

She needed to be his. It was imperative. Not in a ual way but in a very caring and affectionate way. Although his ual senses were more alive than ever every time he looked at her body, at her lips, at the curve of her s or the softly scented skin of her neck.

There was also that time she wore a skirt. He could see how insecure she felt the whole night, pulling it down, trying to cover more of her legs and feeling awkward that she wasn’t wearing her comfortable jeans anymore. He loved it because she looked cute and carefree but at the same time it was torture to Jinki.

His eyes were attracted to her white skin too much and he couldn’t help but swallow deeply thinking about his hands caressing her sensitive skin under her knees and going upwards exploring her under the skirt. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he was a total mess the whole night, acting even more weirdly than the usual. But the worst part was when they made her sit by his side, her legs touching his. He was wearing his jeans but it was as if her body heat was burning him and he had to control himself until she excused herself to go to the bathroom making him breathe of relief.

Lee Jinki didn’t trust his body anymore. Not after that night when he woke up in the middle of the night with an . He had a very ual dream with Lillie innocently sitting on his bed, his hands caressing her as he imagined, exploring her sensitive skin, her inner thighs, and his fingers disappearing inside her underwear. He could still feel the taste of her lips when he pushed her down on his bed and made with her so slowly and painfully, his chest overflowing with feelings.

He was scared after he woke up. Not because he never had a wet dream, of course, he did, but because it was different from others he used to have. He was having with Lillie; he was kissing her lips, his hands caressing her s admiring how they perfectly fit on his hands; his lips kissing the white skin of her neck breathing in her scent that he loved. It was so y and he felt so , but what terrified him were the strong feelings that accompanied that dream.

After that he started fantasizing with her, making his feels even more real, making his way out from that reality almost impossible, not that the thought of leaving was ever an option for him.

“Is something wrong?” Lillie asked searching his eyes for an answer, waiting for him to let her pass and reach Jules, her savior. Jinki swallowed imagining himself kissing her lips like he did so many times before in his dreams. He could bend his head forward and catch her lips in his but what would happen after?

“No.”  everything was right. Everything made sense. So that’s what he has been singing all his idol life. Is that love? Real love?

He thought he had found it before.

She fluttered her eyes and looked into Jules direction as if she wanted her friend to move faster and come save her, and Jinki stared at her fighting the crazy urge to tell her how beautiful she was and how much he wanted to take her home. Then maybe he could reveal to her what he felt. Not that he was sure that he could do it, too afraid to ruin everything even before starting.

Jinki was so desperate for her attention that he almost asked her if he could take her home but Jules grabbed Lillie's arm interrupting their moment and finally freeing her.

“I’m so tired. Let’s go Tokki.”

“Tokki?” Jinki asked making Lillie embarrassed. Why was Jules calling her that in public let alone in front of him?!

Lillie didn’t think she would make it worse, but she did.

“She is just like you, a bunny!” Jules teasingly remarked making Lillie cover her hot cheeks.

“Aish Jules!”

She looked so damn beautiful avoiding his eyes that Jinki felt like an idiot for not realizing that before. Was he blind? How did he never notice how cute she was?!

Lillie looked up at him but regret it because he was looking at her as if he never saw her before.

“Let’s go Jules it's late.” she needed to run away quickly because Lillie was afraid everyone would notice how smitten she was with him. If she was less worried about it then maybe she would notice how smitten he was with her.

“I’ll take you home!” Jinki offered looking at Lillie, only at her. He wasn’t offering that ride to Jules; it was for Lillie, only her.

Jules watched her “made in the stars” couple with a knowing smile. She was already suspicious of the way she would catch him looking at Lillie but now she was sure.

Jules was a genius. Making them meet several times, trying to pretend that she wanted Kyu-won to pursue Lillie, when she was absolutely sure it wouldn’t work out and would divert attention for what she was truly doing. Actually, she didn’t have to do much….it simply worked out. Maybe they were really good together, maybe Lillie and Jinki were meant to be.

“Minjae can take us, cant he Jules? Thanks, Jinki.” Lillie said ruining his efforts and sweetly saying his name as if she also felt sorry for what she was doing.

“Let’s go then.” Minjae patted Onew's shoulder apologetically and Lillie said goodbye to everyone leaving Onew for the end. A sweet special smile was reserved only for him.

His heart fluttered with that sign that he was special to her and watched her leave. Lillie looked at him one last time, before she entered Minjae car and he smiled back.

It was her. It had to be her. He should be cringing at his own lame and romantic thoughts…but damn…she seemed to be the one.

On days that my heart pounds incoherently
I could selfishly confess to you but
What would happen after that?
That’s what I’m scared of

Once Jules left the elevator she heard SHINee music coming from her apartment. Lillie was listening to their albums in max volume like always and Jules groaned upset because she would have her neighbors complaining once again.

She opened the door of the apartment and walked in a murderous way to the living room spotting Lillie with her back to her, sitting on the couch.

“Didn’t promise me that you would lower the volume next time? That old lady from 2C annoyed me to no end last time and…”

Lillie stared back at her with teary eyes, In your eyes playing in the background.

“Why are you crying? What happened?”

“It hurts.”

“What hurts?” maybe she slipped on the stairs again. She was a klutz after all.

“Thinking about him.”                     

She looked back at the cd player and Jules frowned “Onew?”

“Jinki.”

Jules couldn’t see the difference. Weren’t they the same person? Maybe Lillie fangirl side end up making her crazy.

“My Jinki.” Lillie blurted releasing a painful cry.

“What? Yours? Have you been drinking?”

Lillie shook her head tears falling down her eyes leaving a wet trail on her cheeks.

“! ! !” the younger girl swore, surprising Jules, and hit her head against the arm of the couch as if punishing herself.

“Lillie stop. You are scaring me. Are you crazy?”

“I am. I am crazy! Today at the shawols meeting I said it…I called him my Jinki.”

“Well it's normal. Koreans often say my…everything…”

“NO SILLY…I really meant it as mine” Lillie hit her chest closing her wet eyes and Jules sighed. That creature was weird.

“Sooo?”

Lilli opened her eyes wide in an isn’t it obvious manner “DON’T YOU SEE? I wasn’t thinking about Onew. I was talking about Jinki.”

“You know that they are the same person right?”

“Yes and no. I think I love Lee Jinki. You should see how I talked about him. I’m ed!”

“Oh, Lillie. This is serious…you are even cursing!” Jules chuckled sitting on the arm of the couch observing her lunatic friend.

“My heart hurts so much. I’ve never been in love and look at what happened?! I fell for someone out of my reach.”

“Don’t say that…I bet he likes you too.”

“No, he doesn’t. He is…he is Lee Jinki. He won’t ever like ME!”

“I think he likes that ME you obviously don’t know well yourself.” Jules sighed tired of her insecure friend “You should see how you really are Lillie. Then maybe you could notice how he looks at you.”

Lillie ignored Jules comment suddenly reaching a decision. “I’m not going to answer his messages anymore. He sent me three today.”

“Are you crazy?” Jules hit her head softly. “Don’t you dare ignore him!” And ruin all Jules hopes to make them date.

“No, this needs to end. I need to put a break on my feelings.”

“I want to kill you right now!” Jules pushed Lillie shoulder making her fall into the couch. In your eyes ended and Aside started but Lillie had no strength anymore to rise up. She made a decision but she felt even sadder than before.

The lyrics of the song sang by his voice made her cry even more.

Every time you see me and smile, deep in my heart,
A serious illness forms
I know I can’t but I want to hug you
I want to feel you, I want to dream with you
I start to hate that guy who loves you
But I am also endlessly jealous
But some day, I want to put my heart into it
And tell you this long-time story

 

Lillie made her decision but it only worked for one week because the following Saturday he showed up at the same bar where she was with Jules and Minjae friends.

Lillie tried to disappear into the couch or run away but once he looked at her with a gentle smile, maybe even a relieved one for seeing her, her intentions died.

She missed him so much even though she looked at his pictures in her laptop every day.

“I thought you were busy!” Minjae observed.

“I was but I wanted to come.” He needed to see her and he knew she would be there.

He settled in front of Lillie smiling at her, slightly afraid she would ignore him but she didn’t and smiled back shyly making him feel good once again.

They didn’t manage to talk with each other for half the night but his eyes were set on her more times than they should and Lillie wondered if he was upset with her because she ignored him, not answering to his texts until he stopped sending them.

Once everyone stood up to play darts, Jules and Lillie sat on the high stools watching them play. Before Jinki arrived Lillie was bored but now, now she wasn’t anymore. Even watching him play or talk with his friends was enough entertainment for her.

Jules elbowed her softly whispering in her ear “He came to see you.”

Lillie frowned pushing her away “Stop saying nonsense.”

Jules was sure it wasn’t nonsense and she wondered why Lillie couldn’t see it. She was so insecure and shy that she couldn’t see things clearly. It was so obvious since he couldn’t stop stealing glances at her not caring anymore if the others were noticing. Lee Jinki was in love and it was cute.

He probably wanted a chance to be alone with Lillie and Jules excused herself to play darts in Minjae's team leaving Lillie alone just for him.

He seized the opportunity approaching her and she swallowed nervously watching him.

“Is everything ok?” the question didn’t surprise her and she didn’t know what to answer if he asked her why he was ignoring her.

“Yes. Why?”

“I sent you several messages and you didn’t answer.”

“I was…I was busy at work and too tired to do anything else.” she looked at his eyes innocently and he seemed disappointed. Jinki wasn’t stupid and she was the worse liar ever. He knew she was avoiding him.

“Don’t overwork yourself.” He said softly placing his hand on the counter next to hers so he wouldn’t do anything stupid like touch her cheek or hair. However, his fingers slowly moved closer to hers and he made a huge effort to move them away.

She looked at him. He seemed worried with her and she felt bad. Jinki was the one busy all the time and still, he managed to keep in contact with her. She wondered why. The reason he seemed so interested in her lately, the way he looked at her last time they had dinner all together. Was he falling for her?! No, that couldn’t be the reason. No one would fall for someone like her, let alone Onew. He was just her friend and was worried about her being cold to him lately, just that.

“I’m ok. I’m not overworked or anything.”

“Ok. I’m happy then” however he didn’t seem happy and opened his mouth as if he wanted to tell her something else but Kyu-won called him to play.

“Wish me luck!” He blinked his eye cutely and she almost fell from the bench watching him get back to the game. Lillie bit her lip and crossed her fingers for him.

Right now, there are two dazzling people
And me, who is poorly acting

 

“I’m going with Minjae.” Jules pulled her coat around her shoulders eyeing Lillie who was in front of her trembling because she didn’t bring a better coat and was cold “Can you take a cab home?” Jules side glanced Onew making sure he heard it and she wasn’t disappointed because he swiftly offered a ride to Lillie.

“I can take her.”

“Oh no.” Lillie said nervously trembling even more. She couldn’t be inside a car with him “There is a subway station nearby.”

“I’ll take you.” he insisted stubbornly staring at her leaving no space for discussions but Lillie frowned at him.

Jules chuckled admiring the two idiots bickering already without even dating yet.

She grabbed Minjae arm “Ok then see ya!” She bent her head to kiss Lillie's cheek quickly whispering something in her ear making her blush deeply. Invite him up to your room.

As if Lillie would be able to do something like that. She was already too nervous to be next to him in his car let alone in her room. She would never take him there. Never. What would he say if he saw her Onew merchandising, his face everywhere?! So embarrassing…

Lillie looked at Jules walking away and leaving her helpless and alone with the man she was in love with and was avoiding with all her efforts.

“Let’s go!” he said softly raising his arms to point her the way and she stubbornly held her place.

“I can go by subway.”

He exhaled frustrated running a hand through his hair and his eyes sending her hints she didn’t understand. Couldn’t she see he was going insane?! He wanted to lengthen the minutes by her side, so he could smell her scent, watch her every move, and imagine kissing her lips… He needed that, he needed her.

“I really insist!”

“No!” she panicked “No…I prefer the subway train” she lied making his expression fall. He seemed desolated and she bit her lip in regret.

“Ok, if that is what you want.”

“I’m sorry.” She tightened the strap of her bag, the turmoil inside her heart winning over her mind. Lillie needed to reverse that situation, so she opened her bag trembling and touched her card before pushing it down into her bag and closing it again.

“Oh…it seems that I forgot my card and I don’t have much money…”

He smiled softly admired with her lack of effort at lying. She was terrible at it but Jinki was glad because now he knew that she wanted to go with him and he happily giggled making her blush thinking he was making fun of her.

“I can take you home.”

“Yes. Thank you.” She trembled a little and he took his coat immediately, proud of his actions and that clever idea he had. Women liked gentleman so he could be one too.

She looked at him surprised; her eyes wide open when he covered her back with his black coat, his manly scent and closeness making her warmer than the piece of clothing.

“Are you crazy?” she covered immediately. Sometimes her thoughts would come out without any refrain.

He looked at her confused and she took the coat off giving it back to him.

“You will freeze to death!”

“I’m ok!” he said and he actually felt ok. Seeing her warm was enough for him.

“No.” she insisted making him frown, her hand shaking his coat demanding him to grab it.

“Aish” he groaned frustrated, actually loving that obstinate side of her, delighted with her resolute expression.

But he also could be very determined if he wanted.

Jinki grabbed the coat and covered her back once again, this time his hands lingered on the collar of the coat preventing her from taking it off, his eyes prisoned on hers making her almost lose her ground.

“I’m not cold and you are. Please accept it.” He said in a soft voice, that voice she always heard on the radio and imagined to be destined for her. This time it was and she was out of words to answer back. His hands moved down the fabric of his coat, but their eyes didn’t move.

He could kiss her, he couldn’t stop thinking about it but they were out in the open, in the middle of the street and he wasn’t even sure if she liked him. She could slap him or kick him in the nuts. Would she be able to do that? Probably…He didn’t want to find out. His pride and body would end up hurt.

She followed him to his black car and he opened the door for her in a very gentleman way making her even more nervous.

Lillie observed how neat his car was until he settled by her side putting his seatbelt on.

She couldn’t look away from him and he wondered why she wasn’t making a move to put her seatbelt on.

“Lillie…” he murmured slowly approaching her, his eyes moving from her to something past her, suddenly his body inches from hers, his head so close to Lillie that she could smell his scent, a mix of soap with soft cologne.

Lillie froze opening her eyes and staring at his lips she dreamed with so many times before. However, he didn’t kiss her and instead pulled the seat belt and fastened it.

He looked up at her one last time before sitting back in his seat again marveling at his auto control. He was so close to her that he even held his breath.

“Sorry. It’s safer for you if you put it.”

“I know. I’m sorry I’m very forgetful but I did watch your safety song.” He chuckled embarrassed remembering that stupid video they did when they were younger.

Jinki the car trying to brush his lustful thoughts away and she pulled his coat covering herself. She looked cute with his coat and even though she didn’t need it anymore inside his warm car, she didn’t take it off, trying to make that romantic moment last.

 “Thank you,“ she said gripping the seat belt and he nodded his head.

The ride home was silent. She told him her address and he drove without saying much.

“You have this car for a long time right?” she tried to do small talk making him smile.

“It’s my friend. Why? You think it’s old?”

“No. It has personality.”

He chuckled explaining how his car had some problems already but still Jinki couldn’t convince himself to sell it.

“I used to have an old car too, back on my country.”

He wondered if she planned to go back home. He secretly wished she didn’t but he asked something else instead.

“Did you sell it?”

“No, my parents are taking care of it. I probably won’t remember how to drive anymore when I get back home.”

Back home…

“You should drive here sometimes.”

“I’m too scared and I don’t have a car.”

“Maybe someone could go with you and lend you a car. “Maybe him, he wondered grinning. Jinki was almost going to offer his “lessons” and find an excuse to see her more times when she answered.

“No. No…It’s ok. Jules doesn’t have a car either and Minjae doesn’t seem to like me much to lent me his car let alone give me lessons.”

“I could…you know.”

She looked at him thankfully knowing that he was trying to be nice to her. “Is that what Onew does in his spare time? Teach foreigner girls how to drive?”

He chuckled turning right on the crossroad and entering her neighborhood. The ride home was so quick that he slowed down so that moment could last longer.

“I’m helping foreigners getting used to this country. Am I not daebak? Oh, wait you said I was when we met.”

His comment and teasing smile made her embarrassed and she pouted cutely, natural aegyo coming out and making him so smitten that he stared at her, his eyes away from the road and making him halt the car abruptly in front of her apartment.

Lillie body jerked forward and she grabbed the seat belt eyeing him surprised wondering what happened for him to react like that.

“I’m glad you remembered to put my seatbelt on.”

“Sorry.” He apologized avoiding looking at her “I was…distracted.”

She took off the seat belt before he moved and did it for her. Lillie wasn’t sure she could survive another moment like that.

“Well then. Thank you so much…for everything.”

“No problem at all. It was a pleasure.” The way he said it sent a shiver down her spine. It was truly a pleasure for him and he couldn’t wait for the next opportunity to take her home. He wanted to take care of her in a very protective way.

“Maybe” he added making her hand stop on the handle of the door “Maybe we could go somewhere someday.”

She froze looking into his eyes. He seemed sincere. Was Lee Jinki asking her out on a date?!

He swallowed nervously waiting for her answer. He wanted to date her but maybe he was being too hasty. He didn’t want to scare her away.

Her mind was yelling no but her heart kicked it away and Lillie knew she was going to say yes. Was that a dream?!

However, when she was ready to give him her answer he rubbed his neck, his fears of scaring her getting the best of him, and added “Something different…with the others.”

So that was what he meant. Of course! Silly, stupid, delusional Lillie! Her heart hurt so much she opened the door of the car immediately so she could feel the fresh night air.

Alex was right in so many things about her even though she didn’t want to believe it. She probably would never meet someone who really liked her. Not that she wanted someone, she wanted Lee Jinki.

“I see.” Lillie blinked her eyes trying to control the sadness on her voice and Jinki realized he made a mistake. He ruined it.

“Ok. Thanks for the coat and the ride.” She took it off placing it on the seat politely and left the car. “Goodbye”  Lillie closed the door not even letting him say goodbye and he hit the driving wheel frustrated watching her enter her building without even looking back.

I try to scold myself for being such a fool
But my heart is still heading toward you

Did something happen or are you angry with me Lillie?

Was his message when she didn’t answer for two days.

 Lillie...she always melted when Jinki said her name. She called him Jinki or Onew and still blushed to the tips of her ears. After the ride home she knew he only saw her as a friend or fan. Her hopes were destroyed once again and she didn’t want to feel pain anymore.

Lillie was cutting all her ties with him. From now on she would avoid going out with Jules friends and she would stop answering his messages. Also, she would greet him politely if she ever met him again, as if they were only two strangers meeting for the first time.

Jules wasn’t as supportive as she thought, saying she was stupid to ignore him, that they needed to spend more time together instead.

"Are you crazy? Onew would never date a fan! "

“Of course not! But you’re not a fan! You're a friend of his! Trust me! I've seen this man with other women. He doesn’t treat anyone like he treats you! "

"What do you mean?”

“He’s always telling jokes to make you laugh. Jokes that only you laugh at. He's always smiling like a fool when you say something. Ah, and you can’t imagine the times I have caught him looking at you. And I’m not talking about how he looks at your face, if you know what I mean!"

Lillie laughed. "Yes because I am a wonderful woman! Have you seen the women he sees every day? "

"What? Dear, he wants a real woman, not a co-worker! "

“Jules I made a decision! I'll protect my heart and my sanity. I can’t see him for a while. If I stay without seeing him for a few months I might forget and go back to being a fan! "

"You're so boring sometimes girl! Be thankful that I like you anyway and will help you! "

She made that decision before and she was going to stick to it this time. Not even the enigmatic comment Jules made was making her go back on her decision.

Jules mysterious comment became quite clear the following week, when a supposed night out with girls turned out to be another thing.  Now, Lillie found herself trapped in a Karaoke room with Jules, Minjae and Onew. It looked like a double date. What's worse is that she was so embarrassed that she didn’t know what to say to him. And he looked so shaken with her silence that he even spilled his drink on the table.

She could not control the rampant dancing her heart made every time she looked at him. Lillie was certain that he probably had more interesting places to go instead of being there with her.

Onew began singing a ballad and she made a huge effort to divert her attention from him. Jules approached her and whispered in her ear.

 ”I’m going out with Minjae. Don't wait for us. "

Was she really leaving her alone with Onew?! Lillie grabbed the sleeve of Jules coat like an abandoned puppy.

 "Please...“ she begged quietly trying to be unnoticed by Jinki who was ending his song.

Jules ignored her plea and smirked at her instead. At that moment Lillie knew it was all planned.  They did all that so she would be alone with Jinki.

" Enjoy! He is crazy about you Tokki! " Jules whispered in Lillie's ear before waving goodbye to Onew. Minjae blinked an eye at the singer and Jinki waved them goodbye as if he wasn’t surprised that they were going to leave them alone. Because in reality he wasn’t. Jinki was the one who asked Minjae to help him being alone with Lillie but she looked like a small tokki caught in a trap and Jinki wasn’t certain that he made the right choice anymore.

Lillie looked at her already very old black skirt, but one of her favorites, and tried to think about what she will say as an excuse to get out of there quickly. She couldn’t be in the same room alone with Jinki for a long time. He was too shiny and she would combust.

Jinki ended the song and sat beside her on the couch without saying anything. He was so close to her that Lillie could swear she could feel his body heat. She started to get nervous and played with her glass with soda trying to think of something to say.

Jinki watched her, her fingers touching the glass and her eyes set on a picture on a wall and not him. She was once again wearing that skirt that made him go crazy before and he tried really hard to focus on what he had to do instead of letting other parts of his body control.

She coughed nervously, her actions making him smile. It was so obvious that she was tense around him. After years watching the reaction of his fans at concerts and fan signs he could see when his presence was too overwhelming to someone. He only wished she wasn’t having that reaction because she was only a fan. They were past that already.

To say the truth, Lillie confused him. Initially, she said she was his fan but didn’t seem to want to be around him. Then she stopped being only his fan and got closer to him, sharing facts about their daily life and their worries, being friends. Now it took hours, sometimes days, for her to answer his texts and Lillie barely looked or talked with him. Her actions made him confused and frustrated.

He may be unfocused sometimes but he knew a lot of things about her. That mysterious and confusing girl in front of him was shy and insecure and that didn't bother him at all.

He didn't know how it happened but suddenly she started to occupy a lot of his thoughts. He was attracted by her shy smiles, and easy laughter, the way her eyes wandered around and returned to him when she walked by his side. The initial attraction he felt for her relaxed and her sweet personality turned into something more and for a long time he couldn’t say what. He didn’t know much about women and never had a serious long relationship, but he knew that what he felt every time he heard her voice or saw her smile was something special. She only needed to enter a room to make him happy, and that was something he couldn’t even put down in words.

Then there was that night when he suddenly realized what he felt but she seemed to always push him away.

Lillie kept avoiding his eyes and for a while he didn’t know what to do to get her attention again.  Jinki knew it was all because he was famous. It has two sides to it, it attracted women in and scared the ones who wanted a serious relationship away. That bothered him even more.

Underneath the elaborate makeup and wardrobe, there was a man like any other.

Jinki cleared his throat and she turned to look at him finally.

 "Aren't you going to sing anything?” he asked fixing his gaze on her.

Jinki knew she rarely sang because she felt intimidated by his presence. Unfortunately, because he wanted to see her sing to him so badly. She always sang when they were in a big group with other people and he would stare at her from the beginning until the end of the performance, watching her close her eyes to feel the song, her lips when they were dry or sway her waist at the sound of the music. He couldn’t help it but he loved it so much. If only she knew how beautiful she looked in his eyes.

She wasn’t going to sing, and he knew but he had to break the ice even if the reply was certainly negative.

 "I don't sing that well! " she mumbled blinking her eyes nervous, messing her Korean and he couldn’t help but smile.  If only she knew how cute she looked in his eyes.

If only…

Lillie, oblivious to his thoughts grabbed the glass from the table and drank a little of her soda.

"Why don’t you sing another song? "

She suggested knowing it was like signing her suicide letter. Listen to Onew sing, her idol, the man she was in love with, she was crazy…but it was better than being there near him talking.

Jinki knew why she suggested it. She was running away from his attention and he didn’t want that. He wanted to tell her. He planned all that so he could tell her what was stuck inside his heart for so long.

She sipped her soda again and he grabbed her free hand that was resting on her lap making her choke on the beverage. Lillie put the glass on the table in front of her and cleaned with her free hand while she looked at him in total surprise.

His hand felt so warm against her and she couldn’t help but blush. She dreamed with that so many times as he did too.

"Lillie I think we need to talk. "

A thousand thoughts ran through her head. Did he discover what she felt? He would probably give her the friend talk. She was not prepared for that. Her pulse quickened and she couldn’t stop herself from looking from his hand on hers all the way to his face.

 ”But I thought we were talking” Lillie stupidly answered making him sigh.

"Can you stop running away from me like this?! You know what I'm talking about. I don't know how to say it but there's something between us. "

Lillie blushed even more when he said that. He knew! She was never good at talking about her feelings and she always thought she would never love anyone. Jinki was a very silent person, he also didn’t talk about he was feeling at all so she was surprised when he said that.

There was something between them and he must have discovered what she felt, and now here he was embarrassed because he had to have that conversation with her.

Lillie decided to pretend nothing was wrong and save him from that uncomfortable situation.

 "I don’t know what you're talking about!”

 "I thought it was pretty clear! I mean, I know you feel something for me. "

A smile danced on his lips while he squeezed her hand tighter.

 It was now or never! He was going to confess! He knew she liked him too, it was pretty obvious.

Lillie stopped breathing. She was doomed! He probably felt sorry for her. Another fan fell in love with him and he needed to break her heart. She brainstormed for something to say. Maybe sorry that I fell in love with you? Or don’t worry I won’t talk with you anymore?

 " Well I... " she started looking him in the eyes. It was better to just say the truth so each can go his way without more embarrassing moments.

"I like you for a long time! "

Lillie felt different after saying it and she really thought he would release her hand and probably move away from her after her confession but he didn’t.

Jinki sighed seeming relieved and smiled beautifully making her so confused.

Lillie couldn’t look away from his face and when she realized he was leaning in her direction, inches from her. Was he going to kiss her? It couldn’t be!

Jinki knew this was the chance to do what he wanted to do for a long time: Kiss her!

He wondered what it felt like. If it was like he always imagined, if her lips were sweet like the ones from his dream.

Lillie noticed how a smile formed on his lips as if he was waiting for that moment for a long time, the distance between them decreased quickly.  

What was happening? He was really going to kiss her and she couldn't move at all, she didn't dare to move. The last thing she saw before closing her eyes was Jinki eyes set on her lips.

At that moment the door opened and an embarrassed Jules entered spoiling the moment.

Jinki and Lillie stared at the door, both moving away, the distance between them increasing again.

 "Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, but I forgot my phone on the table. "

Jules said knowing that she made a mistake.

Lillie’s eyes blinked a few times before looking at Jinki who was already moving to get the phone.

Jules ruined everything. Lillie was going to kiss the man of her dreams and now everything seemed so unreal. As if she was back to reality.

 Jinki rose up from the couch and gave the phone to Jules who thanked him, probably feeling apologetic towards him too. Then she looked at Lillie and muttered a silent apology.

 Lillie answered with an upset stare and Jules closed the door leaving a frustrated Jinki and a devastated Lillie looking at him sadly.

Jinki returned back to his seat by her side and didn’t say anything. This time she was looking at him curiously, with a sad expression probably waiting for him to say something, or do something.

Like a cute lost bunny!  How could she be so incredibly cute?!  

He wanted to hug her desperately but now the moment was lost. His plan was ruined!

He bit his lip watching her play with her skirt again.

Jinki needed to get out of there quickly or he would get crazy staring at her and probably scare her away.

“Let’s get out of here!” He announced grabbing his coat dressing it and grabbing her coat giving it to her.

She received the coat watching him and how he looked perfect with normal clothes.

"Go? Where?"

Jinki didn’t answer, tracing a plan on his head.

"Isn’t it dangerous for you to go out? People can recognize you! "

She worried knowing how he sometimes wouldn’t go out with some of his friends because he was tired of people taking pictures of him.

 ”Don’t worry! I know how to go secretly and we are going to a place that is empty at this time. I have my car, let’s go! "

 As if it was something normal he reached out to grab her hand and Lillie couldn’t help but marvel at such a simple gesture.

Lillie placed her hand on his and he intertwined his fingers with hers.

"Let’s go,” she said still looking at their hands together. She imagined doing that so many times, wondering what it felt to hold the hand of someone you loved and loved you back and now that it was happening she couldn’t believe it. And to add to all that it was Lee Jinki's hand, Onew's hand and she couldn’t even describe what she was feeling.

Perfect!

Jinki smiled watching her reaction. Finally, they were getting somewhere. Finally, he was able to open his heart to her, hold her hand and soon very soon he was sure he would kiss her.

She wouldn’t kick him or slap him. She liked him!

Who knows what the future had reserved for them and that relationship?! He didn’t care at that moment. The only thing Jinki knew was that he didn’t intend on releasing her hand anytime soon.

It was Perfect!

As if it’s been promised, I mumble by myself in front of you, who can’t hear
I want to go to you

But some day, I want to put my heart into it
And tell you this long-time story as I hold you in my arms