Korea, Seoul, the land of Kimchi, K-pop, Pepero and more importantly Freedom.

Lillie smiled stepping outside the airport, the cold wind making her freeze inside her old winter coat and she stared at the road in front of her. Dozens of cars passed in front of her, moving on what seemed like an ever ending road, and she tightened the handle of her blue trolley looking at the sky.

The sky was exactly like the one she could see on her country but seemed so different to Lillie. She was finally there after hours inside a plane that she was scared of, after leaving behind a life she never dreamed for herself.

She could start anew there. She could do what she couldn’t before, she could be herself and even though she was scared senseless of being alone in a different country, Lillie was happy as she never been before.

She saw other people leaving the airport and signaling at the taxis for them to stop and she walked in the direction of one practicing her Korean in a lower voice, feeling that insecurity that was a second skin for her.

Somehow she managed to take a taxi that took her to the middle of Seoul, where the small guest house she was going to stay was located.

She bought a newspaper walking in the direction of her new, yet temporary, home, reading the hangeul rather slowly and trying to find something mentioning Korean lessons. She needed to practice and she needed to get better if she wanted to survive and find a job in that country.

Lillie tried to warm her hands wishing that it wouldn’t snow before she managed to buy a new warm coat and she used her brown hair to cover her ears while she searched for her blue beanie inside her handbag. She quickly covered her head with it and looked at herself in the reflection of a store window. That’s when she saw it. It may be destiny they say, but the first thing she noticed was SHINee looking at her. She stepped closer to the window admiring the collection of k-pop albums on display. In one of the corners, SHINee last album, her favorite boy group, was placed. Lillie grinned still in a daze. Back in her country, she would have never found a SHINee album in a music store. Never! It was so new and refreshing to her that she took it as a good sign.

She walked into the store decided upon buying it. She lost all her albums when…Alex, she still would tremble thinking about him, decided to destroy them.

Lillie paid for her album leaving the store and tore the plastic quickly so she could touch and open it. The photo card inside the album fell to the ground and she bent down to pick it up. Onew was smiling back at her in the card and she grinned. That was another sign. He was welcoming her to his country, to his home and she was so happy to be there that he had no idea. Of course, he didn’t. He didn’t even know she existed. She squished the small photo card against her chest and put it in her wallet as a good luck charm. 

Maybe if she was truly lucky she will see SHINee perform some day.

At the time she didn’t have a clue about what life had in store for her.

The same man of that photo card was on the other side of Seoul, in his bed trying to open his sleepy eyes.

Onew sat up rubbing his eyes and grunting upset. He was so tired but he had a packed schedule that day.

His bare feet touched the floor and he groaned raising himself from the bed.

“What to wear…” he thought rubbing his head and opening his closet filled with lots of sweaters that he mostly bought under Kibum supervisions.

He didn’t like anything and his eyes drifted to the old white t-shirt he loved so much but Kibum advised him, in a very insistent way, not to wear in public anymore.

“KIBUM!” he yelled leaving his bedroom and stepping into the living room and into Kibum's bedroom direction. Kim Kibum was inside trying to tidy up his room a little and ignored Lee Jinki's invasion.

“I don’t have anything to wear!” the older man said making Key laugh.

“How? We went shopping the other day.”

“Lend me something?”

Kibum ignored Jinki cute expression and his pleading eyes but opened his closet to give him something nice to wear. What would Lee Jinki do without him?!

“Here!” he grabbed a red shirt, one of his favorites, with a white collar and offered it to Jinki who gladly grabbed it.

“You are an angel!”

Jinki walked back to his room almost tripping on the bag filled with fan gifts that he still didn’t open, and sat on his bed admiring Key's piece of clothing.

His phone vibrated and he lied down on the bed grabbing it. 

“Mom!”

He forgot to call her the previous day because he was so tired and she called him instead.

“Yes. I’m really busy today!” he exhaled noisily staring at the ceiling of his room. “But I’m happy. This album is doing well. Did you see us yesterday on tv?”

Jinki smiled. He may be tired, he may have no time to call his mom, hang out with friends or date, but he is happy. Nothing is missing in his life, he couldn't be happier than he is already, or so he thought at the moment. 

Weeks passed since Lillie arrived in Korea. Slowly that happiness and excitement died off. Having to leave the guesthouse because of lack of money, destroyed the last glimmers of hope she had.

Now she was sleeping in a very cheap hotel and was trying to eat the less she could so she had money to stay there until the end of the week.

Unfortunately, she didn’t find any job yet and things didn’t look good.

Lillie called her parents and lied. She couldn’t go back home. She couldn’t. If she did HE would make fun of her. HE would finish what he didn’t. She would end up ending her life because she knew she couldn’t endure it anymore.

Lillie cleaned her tears and grabbed her old coat leaving her small room and closing the door.

She ignored the screams of the room next to her, which was as common as having drunk man under the window of her small dirty room, and walked outside into the cold street. She actually felt better outside her room and walking the streets of Seoul absentminded, observing the other people going on with their lives.

Her stomach growled since it was already night and she didn’t eat anything since breakfast.

She stopped by a convenience shop and bought instant ramen, settling in front of the window eating it, enjoying the warmth of the store and watching the others walking outside.

A group of young people crossed the street and she smiled imagining that group of friends going out to drink or have fun.

She saw a couple holding hands and sighed wondering if she would ever hold hands like that and feel loved instead of afraid. She watched how their fingers were intertwined, how it seemed so natural between them and her heart hurt because she wanted to know how that felt so badly. To be loved for what you are, a love that doesn’t hurt, true love. Could she even be loved like that?! Did she even deserve it?! It seemed too perfect to be true!

A man passed in front of the convenience store, wearing a black beanie and she bent her head trying to watch the couple behind him until they were out of her camp of vision.

Lillie played with her noodles, her hand supporting her head and she stared at the back of the man with the beanie absentmindedly not even imagining that he may be famous and someone she wanted to meet in a long time.

The door of the coffee shop opened and Minjae stood up from his seat waving at Onew who took off his black beanie and joined him, giving him a quick hug.

“You are late!” Minjae complained grabbing a cigarette from the pocket of his white shirt.

“I’m sorry. I had a shooting.” He sat by Minjae side making a sign at the owner of the shop that he knew for years now, asking him to bring him a beer. “Did you bring my darts?”

“You lend them to me!” Minjae complained and Onew frowned.

“Lend them…”

“I’m joking Jinki. Here!”

He grabbed a box in the middle of the table and made it slide in Onew's direction.

“I’m so damn frustrated!”

“Because the others are even later than me?” Jinki asked opening the box and checking if his collection was complete. That box with darts was his treasure. He was always buying more and more designed ones and it was a hobby now.

“No. Because Jules is not having with me!”

Jinki chuckled “Did you fight again?” Minjae was his friend but he was terrible with women.

“Yes…No. I don’t even know. She is so stubborn! She now decided to stop having with me until I stop smoking.”

Jinki grabbed the cigarette from Minjae hand and put it out on the ashtray in front of him. “Better stop then.”

“You are right. is more important!”

Jinki laughed and closed the dart box carefully.

“You don’t smoke anymore so you don’t have that problem.”

Jinki avoided Minjae stare that clearly knew how he was unlucky with women and was trying to provoke him.

“I’m fine!”

“You need to get laid and forget that noona.”

“I did already!” Jinki answered grabbing the bottle of beer the owner of the coffee shop gave him.

“Get laid?” Minjae pated Onew shoulder and he shook his head.

“No. Forget her.” He drank his beer ignoring his friend teasing and relieved saw his other friends finally arriving.

Jinki did forget her already but he didn’t like to talk about his private life.

It seems like Lillie's luck was changing. She found a job at a tutoring center and she counted the hours, minutes and seconds until it started. She would never forget what she felt when she entered the small building for the first time, climbing into the first floor, her hands trembling inside the pocket of her old coat, while she wondered if she wore the right clothes. Not that she had that many to start with.

She stepped inside the room filled with desks of other teachers and she gulped walking in the direction of her boss office.

Her soon to be coworkers stared at her, probably judging her appearance and her lack of attractiveness. Lillie looked like a child in the middle of all those women. Only a man smiled at her and Lillie found herself smiling back because he was truly handsome and seemed nice.

Lillie kept walking trying her best not to trip in anything and fall to the floor.

Her first day end up to be more normal than she thought. She had a few students eager to learn English and she felt really good to be working, to be useful and more importantly to finally have hope to stay in that country. Now she could take care of all the bureaucracy so she could work and live in that country without being sent back.

The fact that everyone was Korean didn’t help Lillie much and her new coworkers seemed to keep their distance from her. They weren’t mean but they probably didn’t know how to break the ice and start a conversation with her. She didn’t either so Lillie spent her lunchtime in her desk imagining how she could decorate it. She was a little hungry but ignored it choosing the best place to put a SHINee photo card and definitely a Onew mug.

“Hi!” Lillie almost fell from her chair and looked up at a tall, blonde woman that was staring back at her with a huge smile. “I’m Jules! I’m French…I know what you are feeling!”

Lillie slowly smiled back watching how that beautiful woman grabbed a chair and sat by her side, so close that she could smell her perfume.

“They seem unreachable but believe me, most of them are nice. Most! Cos there are a lot of snakes here!”

“Your Korean is great!” Lillie stated.

“Yours will be too. Jinho can teach you.” Jules laughed noticing how the younger girl stared at her lost.

She was cute, with her small nose, brown eyes that she apparently blinked a lot when she was nervous, and brown hair. She was like a very innocent bunny and Jules liked it. She always wanted to have a bunny or a younger sister.

Once she saw Lillie trying to find out how the coffee machine worked and almost end up taking a bath in coffee, Jules decided to adopt her, after all she had a spare room now.

“Jinho is our handsome coworker.” Jules leaned closer to Lillie “Every woman here wants him to her.” Lillie flinched not used to say that word making Jules giggle “Even the married ones…”

Lillie blushed embarrassed glancing at the man in question, sitting on his desk closer to hers and looking at them. Lillie looked away wondering if he could read in her eyes what she was thinking.

“He is hot and all but not my type.” Jules added “Do you like him?”

Jules asked playing with her hair watching how Lillie looked back at her with her cheeks pink. “No. I’m not looking for a relationship and he would never be interested in me.”

“Why?”

“Look at me. He would never….”

Jules observed Lillie frowning. What was wrong with this girl? Yes, she wasn’t a beauty but she was cute and she definitely had something that would attract guys like magnets, the innocent and childish aura that would make any guy want to protect her. Jules lacked that and she tried really hard to be the seductive and mysterious girl to compensate for her lack of innocence.

“Are you a nun?”

“What?” Lillie asked confused and Jules laughed hitting her shoulder lightly.

“Aigo. You are so cute….”

“I’m not a nun. “

“I know. I was joking." But she was definitely a "Oh well. Where are you staying?”

“Staying?” Lillie frowned. “I’m living in a small hotel.” She desperately wanted to leave as quickly as possible. She swore the man in the room next to her, the one with the screams, was looking at her in a very scary way to the point she now peeked outside her room before leaving it.

“You don’t seem to like it much!” Jules could see how Lillie expression changed once she mentioned the hotel. “I have a spare room because my roommate is marrying and going to live with a ceo and basically leaving me alone in an expensive apartment I can’t pay alone. We could share rent. You will have your own room and the building is in a very good neighborhood.”

“Do you really mean it?” Lillie looked at Jules suspiciously. She wasn’t used to people being nice to her. Life showed her how people could act differently from what they promised at first, how people could deceive and hurt.

“Yes. You can come and see it before moving if you want to.” Jules grabbed Lillie hand in a friendly way “I know what is like to be alone in a foreigner country. We can be friends and I promise you would never regret it. Also, you seem hungry and I have spare food.”

Lillie watched Jules red lips curving up into a beautiful smile and she decided to trust that woman. She was desperate, scared and lost and Jules seemed so nice, promising to take her from that horrible hotel where she was too afraid to even close her eyes at night.

She would never regret accepting Jules friendship, in fact, Jules turned out to be her best friend, and that decision would make Lillie find the path for true love.  

Lillie couldn’t forget the day Jules learned about Lillie's passion for SHINee and particularly for Onew. She was hanging her SHINee Onew posters on the wall of her new room where she was living for two months now.

Standing on her bed, Lillie tried to patch the poster, when Jules entered the room holding her mug of tea, which for Lillie had nothing to do with her personality.  The blonde let out a scream of joy, pouring almost all of her tea to the floor.

"A tokki!  Of course!" Jules first hunch was right. Since the first time she set eyes on Lillie she knew she was a cute fluffy little tokki. It now made sense. She was perfect for him. Minjae would scold her for playing matchmaking but she was never certain about something in her life as she was about that.

Lillie looked surprised at her.

"Tokki?"

"Oui. You are a tokki and he is a tokki! " Jules pointed at Onew poster with an isn’t it obvious face “Why didn’t you tell me you were a fan? And please tell me that he is your bias! "

Lillie smiled.  Maybe Jules was a shawol and an MVP too. Living with her would be even more fun.

"My blood is blue pearlescent, Jules! And yes I love this crazy leader. Are you also a fan? "

"No. But I know Jinki. He is the only one I know. I think I saw Kibum once at a party. I can introduce you to your prince! This is awesome! You are perfect for each other! Two tokkis! "

Lillie almost fell from her bed and sat on it looking at her roommate incredulously, one corner of the poster she just tried to put up on the wall, falling down.

 "Are you telling me that you know THE Lee Jinki? That amazing man I desperately want to see live and still couldn’t?”

Tickets to a SHINee concert were really expensive and she didn’t have the opportunity to go to one yet. She almost didn’t have money to eat let alone go to a concert. However, she was saving to buy their albums and merchandising.

"Yes! Isn’t it amazing? He's Minjae’s school friend. They are often together so we went out a few times already. When do you want to meet him? "

Meet him? Lillie felt a pang in her heart. Did she really want to meet him? She always dreamed with it, but that was before actually being able to do it. Now that it was possible…

"No! I can´t! "

"Are you crazy? Why? "

“What if I meet him and he is nothing like he is on tv and as I imagined? And what if he is an idiot? How will I be able to live after that? Knowing that it was all a lie! "

Jules sat next to Lillie.

"Lillie my love, he's an idiot , just like you. He is a tokki!”  Jules chuckled, delighted with her joke that Lillie didn’t understand “Really dear , he  is not much different from what you see on tv . Maybe a little more quiet and normal, but he is a good guy. I think you will like to meet him. "

He would be perfect for her, the push she needed to feel more confident and Jules was certain that she also would be good for him. He was lonely for a long time now and she was a nice girl. If they hit it off Jules would be certain of her matchmaking skills and probably retire from them. It was too tiring and time consuming.

After some time deciding what to do, Lillie gave her answer to Jules. It was a unique chance. Any shawol had accepted in a snap if they were in her shoes. She could not waste the opportunity.

Lillie was a bundle of nerves; she was certain that she was never that nervous about meeting someone in her life. However it was a good feeling so different from the kind she was used to have.

Jules winked at her before opening the door of the coffee shop where usually Minjae and his friend would reunite, including Lee Jinki.

Lillie grasped her purple coat and breathed deeply saying to herself that Onew was just a normal man like any other. He probably wasn’t as handsome as he seemed in pictures and videos. Maybe he was even boring or just normal. Oh she was so wrong!

Her eyes scanned the whole shop, noticing the owner behind the counter that greeted Jules because she was a regular costumer.  Lillie followed Jules passing by two men playing darts and behind the snooker table until they end up at a table hidden from the door. It seemed more private and probably one of the reasons they choose it.

She saw him immediately just beside Minjae, Jules boyfriend. He looked up at her, his dark brown eyes setting on her not revealing any of his thoughts. She froze completely. He wasn’t wearing any makeup, his dark brown hair wasn’t styled and he seemed like a normal person. However he wasn’t; he was the talented man she was used to see on tv, even more handsome than she ever imagined, and as she found out later, the same man who had a great heart, who was humble, gentle and sweet.

Jules grabbed Lillie's arm making her come back to reality and helped her sit because her legs seemed to not being able to obey her.

She stared at Jinki as if she was in a dream and he kept looking at her, a gentle smile escaping from his lips.

“I heard you are my fan.” He said suddenly his voice making her heart skip a beat. She was truly in front of him, he was real. That man that saved her was real and she felt like crying.

“I-I Yes!” she answered in her language forgetting all about Korean and making him look at her confused. “Yes…YES!” she added in English and Korean making Minjae laugh.

Jules sent him a dirty look which made him stop immediately. He was aware of her matchmaking plans and even though he didn’t agree with her meddling in other peoples affairs he kinda agreed with them being good for each other.

Jinki nodded not knowing what to add and Lillie blushed looking away from him. She seemed shy and awkward and he could understand. Since she is a shawol it is normal to act that way in front of him.

“So…” Jules started elbowing Lillie who was looking at her hands in her lap, still trembling. “What have you been up to?” She asked Jinki.

“Busy. Still promoting my last album. We may have a concert soon too.”

“OH! Awesome! You have to go Lillie!”

“Ah!” She looked up at Jules and then at Onew who was watching her.  “I can’t. It’s expensive!”

She blushed realizing what she said, probably sounding rude.

“It is a little expensive but I swear it will be really worth it!” He added gently trying to be nice to that girl that seemed too afraid to be near him. “we will do our best!”

She raised her arms shaking them in the air “No! NO! I know…you are great! Daebak! The best! I love you…I mean SHINee!” she blushed so much that he felt sorry for her. She seemed to notice it in his expression because she almost hit the bottle of beer in front of her and Jules had to act quickly grabbing it.

Things weren’t going well and Jules sulked observing Lillie. What was wrong with her?! She was acting so weirdly.

“I’m so sorry!” Lillie said too embarrassed for words but Jinki chuckled finding it amusing.

His laughter was beautiful and Lillie admired him while he grabbed his bottle of beer and stood up to play darts with his friends.

Jules grabbed Lillie's arm immediately ready to scold her but one look at Lillie’s eyes was enough to make her stop.

“Lillie are you ok?”

The younger girl looked at her with teary eyes. “He is real…He really exists and I’m not crazy.”

“Of course he does…”

“Jules, he saved my life.”

“What?” she chuckled? Her friend was really funny sometimes but she didn’t seem to be joking. The way she looked past Jules to the man playing darts was more than a simple fangirl admiring her idol. She really was devoted to that man; she truly seemed to believe he saved her life somehow. “What are you talking about? He saved you?”

Lillie wiped her tears carefully trying not to ruin the makeup Jules did for her “He and SHINee are the reason I came to Korea.” Jules frowned probably thinking she was a crazy fangirl but Lillie shook her hands “No…I didn’t come to see them. I…They gave me strength to be a different person. It’s hard to explain.”

 Not that it was hard, she simply didn’t want to talk about it; she wasn’t able to talk about it yet, about Alex and her past; about what happened.

Jules eyed her suspiciously but she understood she wasn’t going to get more than she already did. Instead Jules stood up, patted her friend's head and asked her to stay there like a cute pet. 

Lillie sighed watching Jules walking to Minjae and back hugging him cutely.  Lillie put her hands on her pockets and stared at the wall in front of her filled with interesting artistic paintings.

That place was nice, with soft indie music playing in the background and a cozy atmosphere. She wondered if she should order something. She hated alcohol and she was the worst drinker but maybe she should drink to try and feel more relaxed.

“Your Korean is really good.” A familiar voice remarked and Jinki sat on his seat grabbing his cellphone that was forgotten on the table.

“Thank you. “she answered trying to steady her voice watching him distracted with his phone. “I liked your last album.”

He looked up “ah. Thank you. What’s your favorite song?”

“In your eyes!” she said quickly making him giggle.

“No, I mean from the album.”

“Sorry. Ahhh I can’t choose. I love them all so much.” She leaned forward suddenly excited “I think you really did it with this last album. I can’t even imagine what you will do in the next one because they keep getting better and better. “

She finally caught her breath and he watched her for a while “Why do you like In your eyes?”

“Why? Because it’s beautiful; your voice, the melody, the feelings… Can you imagine someone actually saying that to you? That you made their life so much better?” she played with her hands and Jinki stared at her with his phone almost forgotten on his hand. “Sorry. You must know how it feels. You probably have people saying you that all the time.”

“Not really.”

“But you do, you know? You make your fans life so much better. You have no idea!” she blushed deeply rubbing her nose embarrassed and he watched the look of excitement in her eyes. The same that made him ask her why she liked the song, the same she had when she talked about his album. That sparkle was beautiful. She really liked SHINee and he was forever glad for that love.

Since he didn’t answer, Lillie wondered if he didn’t believe her. He needed to. Onew needed to understand how he changed everyone’s life for better, how he did change hers. “I mean it. You made my life so much better!”

“But it’s a sad song.” He added ignoring her confession. She was his fan after all; they always said beautiful things like that. “They seem to be saying goodbyes!”

“It is…but at least they got to meet and tell each other what they felt and that in itself is a miracle even if they never see each other again.”

It was just like her and him. She knew she would never see him again, and even if Lillie met Jinki in another friends gathering or on the street he probably wouldn’t look at her a second time or even recognize her. She was just the crazy awkward fan he met someday but to her he represented so much. He didn’t have a clue to the point that he didn’t even acknowledge how important he was to her, how he changed her life.

It didn’t matter, she told him and even though he would forget all about that conversation she wouldn’t. She would cherish it forever as a loving memory, because he and SHINee saved her and Lillile genuinely cared for them.

“Thank you.” she said gaining her courage and he blinked his eyes confused, as the faint scent of lilies, her perfume, reached him. 

“Why?”

“For the music, for the memories…everything!” she smiled touching her cheek, brushing her brown hair away from her face, sniffing as if she was about to cry and he watched her confused. She had a beautiful smile, a very sincere and beautiful smile.

 “Jinki!” Minjae called “It’s your turn!” Onew grabbed his phone again and without giving Lillie a second look stood up from his seat leaving her alone.

She watched him smiling knowing that she would go home that night giggling.

Lillie end up not sleeping at all that night, every time she closed her eyes she would see him smiling gently or asking her about her favorite song. She was happy, truly happy and so glad she decided to meet him. She loved SHINee and Onew even more now and she believed she would be able to appreciate their music even better.

Lee Jinki laid his head on his pillow without thinking about the weird fan or even what happened at the coffee shop. He was dead tired and he had so many things to do the next day so he just turned off the light and covered his head with the blanket, his eyes closing.

 His eyes…Suddenly the song came to his mind and Lillie face thanking him appeared in front of him.

He brushed the thought away yawning and hugged his pillow forgetting her again.

All night, I draw out your face
I get embarrassed at my uncontrollable imagination

 

Once again Lillie accompanied Jules to the same bar where Minjae and one of his friend were waiting for them. Onew wasn’t there this time and Lillie tried to pretend that she enjoyed Jules boyfriend company; that she didn’t feel weird with them trying to play matchmaking with her and his friend.

It’s not like she hated Minjae, she simply didn’t like how he treated Jules and she found it so unfair how someone beautiful, intelligent and nice like Jules was doing with that selfish man.

Lillie crossed her arms and leaned her head against the wall observing Jules and Minjae flirting.

The other guy tried to talk with her and she answered absentmindedly. Her eyes moved away to the door just in time to see Jinki arriving. He seemed tired, bags under his eyes but he smiled as he usually did, greeting everyone.

Lillie wondered if he still remembered her and her name and he did, greeting her amicably.

He joined them at the table and soon they were all talking and laughing. Lillie tried to join in too, however she still felt too shy around him.

Minjae grabbed a cigarette and Jules stole it from him. “You quit! You promised!” she said angrily and Minjae ignored her scorning at what she said.

“I can’t. You stress me too much. I need to smoke!”

Lillie frowned watching Jules who glared at her boyfriend.

Jinki rubbed his hair, drinking his coffee in an attempt of staying awake and ignore another fight of them. His eyes moved to Lillie and he noticed how she frowned, her lips pouting while she eyed Minjae upset, her hands grasping the mug of hot chocolate she was drinking.

“What do you mean?” Jules asked with a sweet voice. Yet Lillie knew she was near the edge, ready to explode, the alcohol she ingested wasn’t helping either.

“You do know what I mean. I’m tired of you acting like a dictator controlling me!”

Jules stood up and fixed her hair as if his words didn’t hurt her and Lillie stood up too, ready to follow her if she wanted to go home; or stop her if she was going to kill Minjae.

“Can we talk, please?” Jules asked softly, grabbing her beer and making Minjae sigh and get up, following her outside.

Lillie watched their every move until they disappeared outside and she realized she was alone with Jinki and the other guy, Kyu-won she believed, she wasn’t even sure anymore.

“You missed the soccer game on Saturday.” The other guy said suddenly to Jinki, ignoring the conflict completely, since it was already a normal thing between that couple.

Lillie always wondered how a woman like Jules was able to stay in a relationship like that.

“I was sleeping.”

“Minho told me.”

Minho?! There are more Minho's in Korea, maybe it wasn’t him. She watched them talking about some stupid soccer game trying to catch more familiar names or clues, her eyes always escaping to the door of the bar worried with Jules.

“He did really well until I…” Kyu-won phone rang and he grabbed it dismissing himself and leaving the table to answer.

Lillie looked back at her mug, suddenly alone with Lee Jinki.

“Do you have a favorite song now?” he asked probably trying to make small talk. She didn’t mind because he still remembered what they talked last time.

“It’s still hard to choose.” He nodded looking away and she knew she needed to say something or the conversation would die there “Minho? Is it Choi Minho?”

“Ah…yes. Sometimes we play soccer together. Actually rarely. I enjoy sleeping too much.”

“That’s because you must be tired all the time. It isn’t easy to be an idol.”

“But it’s the…”

“…life you choose. I know.” She ended for him “It must be like a dream sometimes.”

“Yes. It is. I wouldn’t get to experience so many things if I wasn’t an Idol. And also there is music and moving others.”

“Make a difference through music. That’s beautiful.” She sipped her hot chocolate watching him and he kept talking with her about it, the idol life and the music. They were so lost on the conversation that he didn’t even notice when Kyu-won came back.

“Sorry. I need to go. I forgot I promised to meet someone.” He turned to Lillie and she blushed a little. It was supposed to be a meeting to match make them and she was more interested in Onew’s company than his. “Can I have your number?”

He asked it so suddenly that Lillie opened freezing.

“Maybe I can call you later….” He explained and Lillie gave it to him already thinking about a way to turn him down without hurting his feelings. She wasn’t looking for a relationship. No, she was prepared to live all her life alone.

“He seems interested in you. He is a good guy.” Jinki added and Lillie felt uneasy.

“Do the other SHINee  members play soccer with you too?” She asked changing the topic. She didn’t want to talk about dating.

“No, only Taemin sometimes. Jonghyun and Kibum are not that good at soccer.” He smiled “Why are you asking?”

“Just curious. I wonder if there is something you can do all together. I mean besides singing and dancing because you are so different and yet you complement each other. “

“Hum…” he wrinkled his nose thinking and she smiled admired that he was actually thinking about it. “There is something…more than one actually.”

“Really?” Lillie leaned her elbows on the table and bended her head forward, excited to hear his answer, giving him all of her attention.

He regarded her and made a serious expression before answering.

“Sleeping, Eating and teasing each other.”

She opened in a grin and suddenly laughed out loud covering . She wasn’t quick enough and for a few seconds he could see her smiling face and he gazed at her. She was lovely when she smiled and laughed. Cute even…Why was she covering her beautiful smiling face?! Why was she depriving others from seeing it?!

Slowly her laughter died off and she looked up at him again biting her lip in a sign of awkwardness. She couldn’t read his expression but his eyes weren’t leaving hers and her heart started to beat faster. For a few seconds she forgot who he was and Onew become only a very handsome man that she admired looking back at her.

Lillie resisted to his intense stare until her heart was beating too much for her to handle so she felt herself blush and looked away. Even then he didn’t stop looking at her, and how she looked everywhere but him, showing him how insecure and shy she was.

Jinki couldn’t stop looking even though he knew he was making her nervous because there was something there. Her words from the previous encounter they had came to his mind and she seemed to have such a beautiful heart that it was reflecting on her appearance. Suddenly he couldn’t help to notice how her lips were red, how she had a cute little nose, how beautiful it was every time she brushed softly her hair away from her face; how she blinked her eyes when she was nervous…she was lovely. No wonder Kyu-won asked for her number.

“wow!” he blurted suddenly making her look back at him wondering what he meant. The suspicious look she gave him made him feel weird but he didn’t have time to explain or at least analyze what was happening in his head and heart because Kyu-won came back with a worried expression.

“Jinki come quick. Things outside are not great. If you don’t stop them…” he turned to Lillie touching her arm and the gesture didn’t escape from Jinki gaze. “…Lillie you need to calm Jules down.”

Lillie stood up immediately grabbing her coat and purse and Onew followed them outside.

Once Lillie stepped outside she knew Jules was drunk because she was crying her eyes out and saying words in French that no one was able to understand.

“Why are you being like this?” Jules asked grabbing Minjae's arm who was trying to release it.

“Can we talk about that later? She just called, she is my friend…”

“Not again!” Lillie and Jinki commented at the same time and looked at each other in mutual understanding. Minjae was cheating again!

“YOU DON’T GO TO A LOVE MOTEL WITH A FRIEND!” Jules screamed making everyone look at them. Onew covered his face; a scandal wouldn’t be good for him.

“Jules…” Lillie tried to calm her down. That scandal in the middle of the street is not good for everyone.

“It wasn’t a love motel….we just went to a restaurant.”

“That looked like a love motel…you son of a !” She tried to hit him and Lillie grabbed Jules pulling her away with the help of Kyu-won.

“Jules….I swear I didn’t do anything with her!”

“YOU LIAR!” the blonde girl screamed in pain turning around and hugging Lillie, her head falling on her shoulder while she tightened the grip around the young girl, painful cries leaving .

“Jules…” Minjae tried once again and Jinki stopped him. It was best to let Jules sober up before they discussed that subject any longer.

“You know what? I give up! Stupid woman!” Minjae suddenly stated aggressively before walking away and Jules didn’t even look at him, her cries getting even louder.

Lillie caressed her back trying to calm her down with not much success.

Kyu-won offered to follow Minjae and ran after him leaving the two women with Onew.

“Can you take her home? I’m going to pay for our expenses and take Minjae home.” Jinki spoke grabbing his car keys from his jeans pockets.

“Yes. We will catch a cab. “

“Do you have money?”

“Yes. Thank you. We are going now.”

He helped Lillie release Jules grip on her and the blonde girl looked at Jinki with her makeup all smeared off, it was an ugly thing to see and he frowned, gritting his teeth. Jules released an animalistic cry and started walking away with Lillie following her.

“Excuse me…” Jinki called not sure why he didn’t use her name to call her.

Lillie turned back uneasily watching Jules walking slowly ahead. “Yes?”

“We should exchange numbers so if anything happens you can call for help.”

Was Lee Jinki asking for her number?! Lillie kicked her fangirl side away and asked Jules to wait for her before she walked back to Onew giving him her number and memorizing his on her cellphone.

“I’ll text you after, to know if you arrived safely.” He explained while she checked on Jules who was at the moment preparing herself to sit on the sidewalk in a very un-ladylike way with her legs open.

That night, after helping Jules take a shower and putting her to sleep, Lillie lied down on her bed, under Onew poster and stared at a group of numbers on her cellphone.

It wasn’t a lottery number or something like that, however, that number was so special and so many shawols wanted it badly. She actually had Onew cellphone number and she didn’t know what to do with it. Of course she wasn’t going to call him and he only gave it to her because he was a very responsible, reliable and good person. He was just trying to help two ladies. Lillie giggled moving her finger over the call button. At that moment a text message made her phone vibrate and she almost hit the button.

“!” Lillie almost did something she couldn’t. She sat up on her bed reading the text.

Is everything alright? Did you manage to get home safely?

The sender was Lee Jinki.

It was such a simple and normal message during the circumstances but to Lillie it was something precious and unforgettable. Onew sent her a text.

She stared at the words trying to calm her heart and slowly managed to write something back.

Yes. Thank you so much for everything.

Not far from there, Onew, also lying on his bed read the answer she sent to him. Once again she was thanking him, for everything. He didn’t do anything and yet she was thanking him, Maybe that girl had a problem and a big necessity to thank everyone. However, he didn’t see her thanking Kyu-won.

Kyu-won…

He was interested in her and he was such a nice guy. Very respectable and older than him, same age as Lillie. The way he touched her arm, she didn’t even seem to notice but he did.

Somehow Jinki did notice it. He didn’t know what he felt about it.

He rubbed his eyes wondering if he should even feel anything about it. How stupid!

He stared at her answer once again and at her number.  Kyu-won had her number and Onew didn’t know why but he also wanted to have her number, even if he didn’t intend to call her even once.

 It didn’t matter.

He did have her number and the power to contact her if he wanted to hear her voice or the same laughter he heard that night when he started saying silly things about the members.

“Aigo!” Jinki said placing the phone on his bedside table and stretching his legs. He was going nuts being lonely for a long time. Why would he want to even talk with her?!

At some point, you have grown bigger in me
Although you won’t know

 

“You will be next in 20 minutes!”  a member of the staff yelled into SHINee waiting room and the cordi helping to fix Taemin's outfit fastened her actions.

“…and she complained that I don’t have time for her. Ah!” Jonghyun exclaimed sitting on the couch beside Onew. Key chuckled fixing the collar of his coat.

“Well, she is your sister.” Minho added trying not to seem that he was defending her.

“Yes. Wait are you defending her?” he frowned at Minho who placed his hands on his chest.

“No…no way!” Jonghyun was scary when his sister was mentioned.

“I know she is pretty but she is not for you!” Jonghyun warned Minho, forever jealous of his sister and her love for idols.

“She is my noona!” Minho defended himself.

“What’s wrong with liking a noona?” Onew asked suddenly making everyone look at him suspiciously.

“Taking the noona neomu yeppeo serious?” Key asked sitting almost on Onew lap “do you have a crush on a noona again?”

“No.” Jinki pouted still wondering why he said that. “I mean three years older is not much right?”

“No. Not really!” Minho agreed and all kept staring at Onew who was absently staring at nothing.

“Who is she?” Taemin asked now free from the cordi noona.

“No one. Just saying.”

He didn’t seem to convince the others. However they all scattered around the room doing their own activities while they waited to record.

Jonghyun kept pestering Minho, both giggling at one side the room, Key was making a phone call and Taemin started talking with their manager. Onew did what he always did before recording; he played a game on his cellphone. It always helped him staying relaxed while time went by quickly. However this time Jinki wasn’t able to concentrate and he was hungry.

He should have eaten anything before the recording and now he regretted it. He paused the game and closed his eyes, touching his temple softly trying to concentrate. That’s when he thought about Lillie and her smile. Suddenly he felt like listening to her voice again and hear her talk about his music.

He turned off the game and decided to send her a text. They were acquaintances, right? Maybe possible future friends so there was no problem in sending her a nice polite text.

Make sure to watch our performance today. I’ll do my best!

He sent it still not happy with the end result even though he took a while writing that. He watched Minho and Jonghyun goofing around while tapping his feet on the floor anxious. Why was he even nervous?

“Five minutes!” someone yelled and Onew bit his lip staring at the phone on his hand. Still, no answer and he only had 5 minutes before the recording. Why wasn’t she even answering?!

His phone vibrated and he immediately opened the message relieved.

I will. I’m in front of the tv cheering and smiling like an idiot with my light stick in hand.

Jinki finished reading the message just when Taemin touched his shoulder. “Why do you look so happy?”

Jinki blinked his eyes confused. Happy? Then he saw his reflection in the mirror. He was smiling.

“We have to go now!” Taemin touched his hyung arm again and walked to the door after his hyungs. Onew stared at his reflection confused and got up too. Suddenly he felt so energized that he was certain that the performance would go well.

The more the days that I see you increase
I get scared that my held in feelings will be noticed
 

Jinki covered his head with the hood of his sweater and leaned against the stairs outside the subway station.

If someone told him months ago that he would be there, under a snowy evening waiting for a woman, he wouldn’t believe them. Let alone a foreigner, older by three years than him but that actually looked younger than him.

A group of young girls started climbing the stairs and he covered his mouth with a hand pretending to yawn so they wouldn’t look at his face.

Lillie was still nowhere to be found and he sulked. She was ten minutes late already and he was worried now.

It wasn’t a date but she was always on time whenever they had a friends gathering.

Since his comeback, he has stayed in contact with her and they meet with friends several times. However, that was the first time he was going to meet her alone. At their last meeting, he promised he would lend her a movie and he insisted on giving it to her before he went on tour and so they arranged that meeting.

He sighed confused, his hand grabbing the hot pack inside the pocket of his coat. He didn’t know why he insisted so much but he wanted to see her again before going on tour. It was so stupid.

Jinki eyes didn’t leave the subway entrance and he felt so nervous that he was even a little sick. It’s not that he was afraid people would recognize him, he was afraid he wouldn't see her smile before leaving. Somehow she gave him strength, always saying beautiful things about his music, always thanking him for everything in a very sincere and yet mysterious way.

Suddenly he saw her and a sweet feeling entered his veins making him smile.

Her cheeks were pink and she had her neck and mouth covered with an orange scarf, a beanie with the same color in her head and a brown puffy coat covering her body. She ran up the stairs and stopped by his side panting.

Lillie looked at him and he couldn’t help the smile that escaped his mouth. His stomach felt weird and suddenly it was as if he was alone with her. It was just him in front of that weird and lovely woman and there was no one else. Yet they were not alone and more people came out from the station making that moment not that private.

“I’m so sorry. I left work later than expect and then I missed my bus and the subway and...”

“It’s ok!” he interrupted her gently pulling her by her elbow away from the stairs and into a place with fewer people. It is really ok. He didn’t mind waiting for her.

She let herself be guided by him still recovering her breath, the cold air making her lungs hurt.

“It’s so cold!” she commented and he took the hot pack from inside his pocket and offered it to her. He knew she liked cute things and he took his time choosing it so he could see her eyes shine when he gave it to her.

It was cute, with penguins drawn on it and she thanked him smiling. He was so gentle every time they met, but lately, he seemed even more; maybe because now they were friends. She wanted to believe that they were.

They stayed like that watching each other and Lillie grabbed the hot pack tightly.

“Ah the movie…” Jinki said suddenly remembering it and taking a paper envelope with a cd from inside his coat.  “I hope you enjoy watching it.”

She received it from his hand “Thank you so much.  I’ll try to watch it. I’ll ask Jules to do it with me. “

“Ah. You don’t have anyone else to watch it with?”

“I’m really scared to see horror movies alone and I really don’t have friends here, only Jules and some shawols as acquaintances.”

“No boyfriend?” he blurted out without thinking, suddenly feeling his ears get red. What was he doing?! It was none of his business.

“No…” she answered shyly and he was surprised with himself because he felt relieved with her answer.

“You have me…”

Lillie almost collapsed with a heart attack after he said that with a low voice his eyes staring at her as if he was trying to read her thoughts.

How she wished she had him. Without wanting to, something she never thought that could happen in her life did happen. She was falling in love and everything was so confusing to her. Yes, she had a crush on Onew before but what she was feeling right now was more than a crush. She was going to end up hurt if she didn’t stop having those stupid fantasies about Lee Jinki.  

“I mean” Jinki bit his lip suddenly realizing the implications of what he said “I’m your friend right?  Maybe we can watch it together someday.”

So that was what he meant. Of course, how silly of her!

Lillie smiled sincerely “Maybe. Thank you, Onew.” She knew it would never happen, yet it was nice of him to suggest it.

“Jinki…call me Jinki!” It didn’t feel right to hear her say Onew. He wasn’t wearing makeup and he wasn’t on stage. He was Lee Jinki every time he was with her.

“Jinki…” Lillie repeated slowly as if she never once said his name when she repeated it so many times before.

To the owner of that name, the way it sounded in her lips was beautiful and he was glad he asked her to call him by his real name.

“Let's talk informally then, like friends the same age."

“Sure. ” He wanted to be closer to her.

His heart was beating so much. What was wrong with him?!

After that exchange of  requests, they stood looking at each other as if both were still recovering from that moment. There was so much to say but none could say it.

"I need to go” Jinki broke the moment suddenly regretting it because she sadly looked away.

Maybe she was expecting him to invite her to go somewhere and he wanted to but he didn’t know where and wouldn’t it be awkward to be alone with her?! He did want it though.

“Ok. See ya.” She quickly said goodbye and waved her hand stupidly walking away. He didn’t even have time to add anything still watching her grabbing her scarf to cover once again, her nose red from the cold.

He watched the snow falling over her and she turned around.

“Thanks for the movie and everything!”

She turned around again and he watched her disappear in the middle of the crowd. He wondered why she always said thank you for everything.

It was as if she had so much to thank him but he didn’t even do anything for her yet besides lending her a movie.

Honestly, your happy face
Is the hardest to see for me

Every time you see me and smile, deep in my heart,
A serious illness forms

It was Lillie birthday and Jules even bought her a cake inviting some of her friends to celebrate with them. Lillie knew that they only came because of Jules but she didn’t care. She was happy she got to celebrate it without being afraid of Alex and the way he would always torture her on her birthday. She didn’t want to even remember it so she concentrated on blowing off the candles and make a wish.

While she stayed there with her eyes closed thinking about what to wish Lillie thought about Jinki and she end up wishing for love. It was the first time since she met Alex that she wished for that and she never felt so positive about life.

Jules started cleaning up once everyone left their apartment and Lillie helped her taking the trash outside, she was returning home when her phone rang, the caller being Lee Jinki.

She leaned against the wall of the building for support and answered the call.

“Happy Birthday!” he congratulated her.

“Thank you. I wasn’t expecting…I….how do you even know about it?”

“Ah…you told everyone last time.” it was weeks ago and yet he remembered.

“You seem tired.”

“That’s because Minho decided that we needed to practice double because he was always ruining the steps.”

“Tough day?”

“Not everyone can be a Taemin.”

She chuckled still amused at how she could hear from the other members from him. It was as if he was a spy inside the SHINee dorm giving her information.

“When you talk about them and your life aren’t you worried that I will tell everyone about it?” she asked with a serious voice.

“No. it’s nothing a good saesang fan doesn’t know by now.”

She was admired with his relaxed voice.

“Besides I also have information about you that I can release.”

Lillie giggled “To whom? Who would be interested in them?”

“Kyu-won? Jules?”

Lillie laughed sitting on the stairs of her building.

“Kyu-won was never interested in me.” As she found out later, Kyu-won was just trying to be nice and wasn’t even interested in her. She didn’t mind much. ”Jules failed her matchmaking...and Jules, why?”

 “Last time you said she looked horrible with that red coat. I can reveal that information and you will suffer under her wrath.”

She covered staring at the ceiling, a huge smile making her lips curve up. It was incredible how happy he could make her. That was the best birthday present she could get.

“You are right. I won’t reveal anything about you, so keep my secrets safe.”

“Good. I’m relieved!”

They stood in silence and she traced the cold stone of the step under her.

“You remembered my birthday!” she repeated suddenly, silence on the other side.

“Of course, you are special” Jinki stuttered making her blush in response. Did he mean it? Was she really special for him? ”You are my fan.”

She should be happy but that broke her heart. His fan….like millions of other girls.

She wasn’t special after all. She was just a fan and nothing more and she was only mistaking herself believing that she was more.

“Thank you.”

Jinki liked when she thanked him, the special intonation she always gave to those words were inspiring for him, pushing him forward, but this time she said it without putting her soul into it.

Lillie said her goodbyes making up excuses and turned off the call to Jinki disappointment.  

How could she keep talking with him when her lip was trembling, her heart bleeding and her strength all gone?!

Suddenly she felt as if all hope was taken from her, her chest hurt and she didn’t have any will to get back to her apartment. Instead, she leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes covering her face so no one would see her cry over her delusional fantasies.

Every time you see me and smile, deep in my heart,
A serious illness forms
I know I can’t but I want to hug you
I want to feel you, I want to dream with you
I start to hate that guy who loves you
But I am also endlessly jealous
But some day, I want to put my heart into it
And tell you this long-time story as I hold your hand