The sound of the water running was making her headache even worse. It was such a fainted sound yet it was enough to make her irritated.

Lillie washed her face quickly, carefully sliding her hand on her hurt cheek and stared at the mirror. She looked even worse than on the previous day. Anyone could see clearly on her face that she didn’t sleep anything, her cheek swelled and had a huge bruise, her lip was still looking awful and she felt even worse than her appearance.

Jinki moved behind her, combing his hair quickly and looking perfect as always, his black sweater and pants from a famous brand made him look great.

She didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his doctor so she tried to dress up a little even though Lillie didn’t want to leave their improvised bed on the middle of his bedroom.

Lillie saw the hours passing, watching Onew sleep and fighting her own tiredness. Every time she briefly closed her eyes she would get back to that room and felt like she couldn’t breathe anymore.

So she started counting the fake stars or counting Onew books, his cd’s and even his eyelashes or beauty marks. Anything to stop her from thinking about what happened.

 

Aren’t you frustrated, trapped inside this small box?
Isn’t this world, crashing with waves, difficult?
I wind up the spring as I embrace your snow-white shoulder

 

Slowly she felt something rise inside her; it was a wound that was killing all the happiness and she couldn’t do anything, just stare at it destroying every happy and good thought she build about herself this last years, and replacing it with the old ones, making her feel helpless.

Once Jinki woke up she made an effort to leave the bed and get ready, not sharing any words with him. Talking was too tiring and she was afraid she would say something she shouldn’t.

Luckily Jules packed Lillie red sweater, which made her look thinner and her black jeans pants. It was enough to at least not look like a beggar.

Lillie sighed and grabbed the brush Jinki offered her. He stared at her while she combed her hair slowly, clearly not having any will to move.

“It’s a private clinic. He is a good doctor and he knows me for a while now. We can trust him.”

Lillie nodded. Jinki was reassuring her that he wouldn’t tell anyone about what happened.

“Besides you need a sick leave from work. So we really have to go!”

She nodded once again and he looked away fixing his pants.

“I know it will probably feel weird to undress in front of someone you never saw, let alone show him…what Alex did.”

It will be difficult! Still it was necessary. She could understand that. 

Lillie lay down the brush and looked at herself again and at Jinki reflection who was now trying to put his wrist watch on.

“It will be very short, just a few exams to see if your wounds are not severe and also some pictures. Gladly it wasn’t a real or things would be more complicated.”

He didn’t even look at her when he said it, still struggling with the watch because his fingers hurt, so he didn’t notice the look she gave him and how anyone could clearly see that he touched a nerve inside her. It wasn’t a real ?! Alex only tried to her?!

She snorted and covered her face making him look at her.

“What’s wrong?” Jinki asked confused.

“It wasn’t a real ! I wasn’t ! How lucky I am!” The sarcasm on her voice was too evident and he realized that something was wrong.

Jinki frowned and touched her shoulder but she moved away.

“Lillie…”

“It’s ok. I’m fine! I wasn’t even !” she walked away from the bathroom and he followed her, still trying to put his wrist watch on.

“You know I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

“No! You are right! Why are we even going to a doctor? Let’s forget it. I wasn’t !” she said angrily raising her voice and talking quickly, both entering the living room where fortunately no one was there.

“Stop that! I didn’t say that. I was just trying to make you see the bright side…”

“There is one? Really?” she snorted again upsetting him. Why was she being so hard to talk with? “I forgot that you always smile at everything! Mister ing sunshine!”

Her remark hurt him and he also started to get upset.

“Don’t turn this against me! I didn’t want you to be ! I’m just saying you were lucky I got there on time or it would have happened. “

She rolled her eyes looking away from him and he snapped. He was already holding so much inside him and she wasn’t the only one suffering here.

“DAMN! It’s not like it was my fault! I didn’t even know about what was going on thanks to you!”

She ignored him and his outburst walking around the living room, her head in pain.

“But you did find someone to investigate me, not trusting your girlfriend…”

“I’M GLAD I DIDN’T! And you should be glad for that!” he folded his hands into fists, angry words coming out of his mouth without any restrain “If anyone is at fault here it’s you! You were the one who acted irresponsible!”

“WHAT? Are you blaming me now?” she looked back at him furious, her face getting red with resentment. He dared to say that?!

Jinki cringed realizing he made a mistake but both were interrupted.

“Good morning!” Jonghyun said coming out from the kitchen still chewing his breakfast. 

The couple looked at him and he ignored the angry stares. He was there to stop that before anyone said something they would regret. Even though they already did…Besides he needed to tell them something.

“Manager Minho is waiting for you downstairs! No need to thank me!” he shrugged his shoulders and walked back to his room.

Minho peeked from inside the kitchen seeming worried. Everyone probably heard that conversation.

Lillie blushed in embarrassment and walked to the door, sitting on the floor to tie her sneakers.

Jinki did the same and easily put his shoes on, ignoring the rumbling of his stomach because he didn’t eat any breakfast. They didn’t talk or even look at each other.

It was a very silent elevator ride.

 

 

The ride back home was as silent as the one to the clinic.

Jinki was regretful of what he said. But he was still upset with her stubbornness and the way she acted y around him on the morning. He knew she was confused but he was also hurting. He put a lot at stake for her and she didn’t even once admit she was wrong about lying to him. If she didn’t do it, nothing of that would have happened.

He watched how she laid her head against the window of the car, trying so hard to keep her eyes open and not dream again. When he woke up on that morning the first thing he saw was her eyes looking back at him. He was happy to see her but at the same time he was sad. She looked so tired and so lost that he knew she stayed up all night thinking and recalling everything that happened. He knew that deep down she blamed herself and the imperfect Lillie she thought she was. If only he haven’t said that it was her fault maybe now he could just pull her into his arms and tell her how beautiful she was inside and out.

He wanted to hug her and tell her everything was going to be fine. He also wanted to know what happened inside the doctor’s office but she didn’t say anything to him.

Once she left the doctor’s office she walked to the car and didn’t even wait for him. So he decided to talk with the doctor instead. Aparently she was ok. Her abdomen was lightly bruised and she didn’t have any major injury. 

Jinki hand was fine too and Lillie got some weeks of sick leave from work.

However the doctor suggested she visited a therapist that she firmly denied. Jinki just sighed knowing how stubborn she was and how she hardly opened up with anyone. He was the only one with who she talked and look at it now. She doesn’t even look at his face!

Jinki just wished he could reach her somehow but she sat on the other edge of the car seat, so far away from him as she could.

Manager Minho left them at the dorm again and they walked to the lift as if they didn’t know each other. They didn’t talk all the way up even though he stared at her the whole time. She was avoiding him probably still angry with Jinki.

He watched how she hugged herself, her arms seeming like walls protecting her from the world. The old scared Lillie that was too afraid to talk with anyone let alone with her idol was back. He just wanted the woman he loved back…

They entered the apartment and she stormed to his room not letting him even say anything.

She closed the door immediately signaling him that she wanted to keep him out from her space.

FINE! He mentally told to himself, throwing his shoes to the floor with a thud.

Minho rose from the couch and peeked at Onew.

“Is she ok?”

That was a very good question.

“No!” Jinki answered entering the room. “And I’m not too!”

He was going to sit at the balcony when he groaned. Damn that was his room!

He walked in firmly steps and opened the door for the room entering it.

She was by the window, playing with the blue curtains and didn’t look back.

He opened the closet and searched for his gym clothes. He needed to waste that bad energy somewhere or he would get insane.

She heard him behind her, opening the closet and she peeked at him when he was pulling his shirt over his head, ready to change.

Lillie turned around and watched him while he striped, not even looking back at her.

She was hurt with what he said, hurt with what she had to do this morning and even more hurt because he was ignoring her. Lillie bit her lip and flinched. She forgot about her wound. It was probably bleeding again.

She touched it feeling the pain. Her heart hurt more than that.

It was all her fault. He was right even though she knew he didn’t meant what he said that morning. She could see it on the way he looked at her afterwards, as if he was wounding himself with the words and not her; He was just upset with the hurtful things she said to him.

“I’m sorry!” she said with a low voice but loud enough for him to hear since he answered her.

“For what?” he put his dark grey sweatpants on and closed his closet grabbing his used clothes and putting them over the bed.

“For what I said this morning...”

He nodded grabbing the letters from the bedside table and putting them inside a box on his closet.

“Are you still angry with me?” She eyed him nervous and he exhaled looking at her.

“Yes!” he wasn’t going to lie. He was still mad!

“I said I was sorry!” she insisted.

“For what you said not for what you did!”

“And what did I do?” she asked approaching him.

“You can’t recognize that you broke a promise, lied, didn't trust me and put yourself at risk!”

She rubbed her head smiling sadly. “I thought you had forgiven me already. I know my choices weren't the right ones but I was trying to protect you, can’t you see that?”

“No! Protecting me gave me and you a lot of problems. You should at least admit that!”

“OH MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU EVEN THINKING ABOUT THAT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED…after what he did to me?” she screamed abruptly siting on the bed covering her face. “You even said it was my fault!” she sobbed and he gave in.

“It’s not… I didn’t mean that. It’s just that it could have been avoided if…”

“IT WASN’T OK? IT HAPPENED!” she looked at him with so much anger that he backed away.

Jinki knew she wasn’t angry with him; she was angry with herself, Alex and everything that happened…

He felt useless looking at her crying and hugging herself, her back now turned to him, while she sobbed, hardly breathing in pain.

“I’m also suffering you know.” He said softly too scared to hurt her again. “I wish it never happened. Do you think I liked to see that guy touching you?” she cried even louder” I…I’m so sorry. I love you Lillie, I wish I could help you.”

She didn’t answer, but he knew she heard him because her cries quieted down.

He sat on the bed, one in each side, their backs facing each other.

The only noise was her quiet sobs and he tried so hard to not turn around and hug her, fearign her rejection.

“Tell me what I can do…tell me!”

“Leave me alone…I want to be alone!” she mumbled and he stood up immediately.

“I’m going to the gym.” His voice was empty of emotion and that scared her. “Call me if you need anything!”

She heard him close the door and finally Lillie was alone.

She wasn’t sure she wanted that. She wanted him to hug her and kiss her forehead telling her that he would make the pain go away but at the same time she didn’t want to see anyone or talk, think or even breathe.

Could she just disappear for a while until the pain disappeared?!

 

It goes round and round, this song for me
It goes round and round, slowly, my melody box
Round and round, getting dizzy
My orgel

 

 

After what seemed like hours, that she stood motionless staring at the wall, Lillie walked around Jinki room searching for her music, actually his music. She needed SHINee. It was funny how she needed to listen to his voice on a song to feel better.

She searched on the middle of his album collection, neatly arranged on the shelf, almost all autographed probably by some of his friends; a collection worth a lot of money but she sulked realizing he didn’t have his own albums.

She sat on the floor rubbing her head in despair. She needed her music, her Onew socks, and her tokki soft toy. She needed a SHINee moment to recover; to step into SHINee World and disappear from the real one like she used to do every time it was hard to live in this world.

Jules was working now so she couldn’t even call her. Jinki was probably angry with her and she couldn’t even face him.

What was she even doing on that apartment?! They clearly weren’t in good terms with each other so she should just go home. But what if Alex finds her then?

Onew lawyers and the private investigator where still looking for him. Alex disappeared after visiting a hospital because of his broken nose. He said he was robbed and didn’t talk with the police. That was at least good news!

Then Lillie remembered Rin. She was home! She could give her the code of her house and she could bring Lillie her SHINee stuff.

Lilli stood up and searched for her phone.

 

 

Rin saved Lillie.

As soon as she arrived, Lillie kidnaped Rin not even letting Jonghyun talk with her.

She pretended not to see the sad look on Jonghyun face but she was being a little selfish now.

The two women stayed on Jinki room and turned it into a SHINee paradise.

Rin couldn’t help but stare around her. It was her bias room and she wanted to memorize every detail of it. “I can’t believe I am in his room!”

“I know! I had the same reaction when I entered it for the first time!” Lillie said turning on SHINee music on the laptop she missed dearly, and Rin also brought to her.

“It’s exactly how I imagined it!” Rin said clapping her hands excited and looking at the collection of books on a shelf in the farthest wall.

“You imagined my boyfriend room?” Lillie frowned puffing her cheeks and Rin looked at her nervous.

“No…I mean…”

Lillie chuckled surprising her. “I’m joking Rin. Relax! I’m not Jonghyun!”

Rin stared at her friend; how could she seem to be in a such a good mood after what happened?!

“But...”

Lillie raised her eyes to Rin noticing how her friend looked at her sadly. Pity! That was in everyone’s face now, every time they looked at her. Minseo called her that morning and she also spoke with Lillie as if she was a piece of glass ready to be broken at any time.

Surprisingly it irritated her even more and she couldn’t explain why. She was glad for all the love people where giving her but at the same time she hated that everyone seemed so eager to make her feel better.

“I’m fine!” Lillie said diverting her attention back to the laptop and stopping the music only to open the mv of Colorful. “I need this!” she said closing her eyes and enjoying the music.

Rin looked at her friend not understanding quite well what she was doing there.

When she arrived she thought Lillie wanted to talk, cry or even scream, but instead she was acting as if nothing was wrong and totally ignoring her presence.

“I didn’t know everything about your past but if you want to talk about it and what happened…”

“I’m fine!” Lillie repeated opening her eyes and quickly standing up to grab the Onew socks from her bed to put them on.

“You can’t be fine…no one can be fine after what happened!”

“But I am!”

“Lillie…”

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK!” Lillie surprised herself. She suddenly screamed with Rin making her look at her as if she just hit her. The calm and sweet Rin who was her friend and helped her so much didn’t deserve that.

Lillie let herself fall to the floor and touched her friend hand.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean…I’m so confused…”

“I know! It’s ok!”

“I also screamed at Jinki this morning…I feel awful. I don’t feel like myself!”

“It’s ok Lillie! I understand!”

Rin held her friend hand trying to calm her.

“I said horrible things to him and I want him to hug me so badly but at the same time I don’t. I want to be alone. I just hate myself so much!”

Lillie bent her head down, her hair falling and covering her face and Rin touched her shoulder.

“Don’t say that. It’s not yourself you should hate. If you need to hate someone than hate Alex instead and give yourself some time to breathe. I know it’s hard to believe but as time goes by you will feel better! Just don’t punish yourself!”

“I wish I could go somewhere…” Lillie looked up at Rin with red eyes.

“Where?”

“I don’t know! Sometimes I think about going back home but then I realize that it is filled with memories of Alex. What should I do Rin? How do I make this pain disappear?”

“I wish I could help you!”

“Jinki said the same thing and I told him to leave me alone and now…now I wish he was here!”

Rin turned the laptop to Lillie and once again the colorful mv. “Watch it and heal yourself like you wanted to do. Once Jinki comes back you can talk with him. You don’t need to talk with him about what happened but at least let him try to help you ok?” She stood up and rubbed her hands on the blue skirt she was wearing. It was very unlike her but she looked really cute with it. “I’ll be outside if you need me! Remember Lillie, everyone who loves you are also suffering. Don’t shut us out!”

Lillie watched her friend get up and walk to the door marveling at Onew room once again.

 “Thank you!” Lillie mumbled.

“Don’t mention it!” Rin closed the door after her and Lillie imagined her on Jonghyun arms.

That thought made her smile. They were perfect for each other!

Rin was warning her. Lillie shouldn’t shut Jinki out; she hurt him that morning.

 Lately she didn’t do anything else besides hurting him. Even on that romantic night, he knew she was lying and she wasn’t sincere with him. Even so he made her so happy. He showered her with attention and did everything to protect her and she only screamed with him and pushed him away.

Even though she knew all that and she dearly wanted to open up to him she couldn’t….not yet…she wasn’t ready. She only cried once after what happened and that was bad sign for a crybaby like her.

 

 

Jinki opened the door of the dorm and heard someone laughing. Lately laughing wasn’t something that normally happened at that dorm.

He stepped inside, his hair still wet from the shower, the muscles of his legs aching for all the miles he run; and saw Jonghyun and Rin at the couch, tangled on each other playing around.

Both stopped when they noticed the older man and Rin jumped up immediately, clearly embarrassed, adjusting her skirt. Jinki noticed how Jonghyun eyes were on him and if he was in a better mood he would have made him jealous; but he wasn’t so he just greeted her politely.

However Rin looked at him as if he was sparkling, as any fan normally looked at him; as Lillie always looked at him, at least before that morning.

Jonghyun frowned and Jinki smiled weakly.

“I didn’t know you came to see Jonghyun!”

“No. I actually brought some things to Lillie. I stayed with her for a while but I guess she wanted to be alone so I left her.”

Jinki nodded lost. How did she want to be helped if she was keeping everyone away from her, even her close friends?!

Rin could read through his frustrated expression. “She needs some time. She has been through a lot and she must feel terrible. Once she heals herself she will be back to our Lillie. We have to give her time.”

He didn’t say anything and Jonghyun stood up and hit his hyung shoulder playfully.

“Just being by her side when she needs is enough Jinkis…relax! She will be fine!”

“She is doing self-healing now!” Rin chuckled shyly and Jonghyun frowned.

Jinki nodded again, not sure about what that meant, and walked to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

He heard Jonghyun ask Rin if she was flirting with his hyung and she statured making Jonghyun laugh.

Cute! He was like that with Lillie too before all that storm! He missed that time…

Maybe Rin was right and he needed to step back and wait. Just be around her and not push it. He could wait if he knew she would get better that way.

He walked back and ignored Jonghyun kissing Rin on the couch of the living room and entered his bedroom.

Jinki wasn’t prepared for what he saw. It was if as he entered a different world.

The window was closed, the room was in darkness and the only light was from the star projector. She was lying on their improvised bed wearing her pajama once again. On her feet she was wearing socks with cartoon Onew face and on her arms was the bunny soft toy he gave her. She didn’t hear him enter because she was listening to music with her headphones.

He walked slowly to her and watched her for a while. She was sleeping and looked so beautiful.

His sleeping beauty...

Jinki sat by her side watching her and leaned closer to see what she was listening on her iPod.

The notes of In your eyes made him smile. She was listening to him sing! It was her favorite song after all…

Then he noticed the bag on the floor closer to her. It was filled with SHINee albums and he recognized some of the names of his fansites on the photobooks inside it.

Was that what she asked Rin to bring her?! SHINee albums and his merchandising?! Is that self-healing? Listening to his songs ansd seeing his pictures?!

He sighed. Lillie wanted so much to be alone but at the same time she wanted to be protected, safe, near the things she loved, the ones that made her feel safe. And he was one of the people who could do that, he just needed to be patient and stay by her side until she was ready to move on.

He stood there watching her, not moving waiting for her to wake up.

His favorite fangirl…

The music stopped and she lazily stretched her cute toes inside the socks. He couldn’t help but think how much he loved when she did that. Last time they were together he noticed how she did it when he pleasured her,…she was perfect!

She brushed her feet against each other adorably and slowly opened her eyes noticing him for the first time.

 Lillie didn’t say anything. However she sat up and turned off her iPod.

“I’m sorry!” he said taping his fingers on the blanket not giving her a chance to talk. “I’m sorry for how insensitive I sounded this morning. I don’t know how you feel; I’ve never been in a situation like that and…”

“No. I’m the one who should be sorry. You are right. I shouldn’t have lied. It made things worse.”

“It’s ok!”

“It’s not ok but I can’t change anything now. I wish I could…” she sulked and he hesitantly grabbed her hand.

“I wish I could also. It’s killing me!”

She smiled a little and kissed his cheek.

“I won’t lie again. I promise!”

He nodded and brushed her hair away. The t-shirt he gave her was lousy on her shoulder and he noticed the red bruises of Alex attack. He promised the night before he would turn Alex marks into his.

“Let’s stop saying I’m sorry!” she said laughing softly and he agreed. They needed to move on or she would never let it go.

He caressed the spot where Alex gave her a hickey with his fingertips and she froze. She knew what he was doing; he was asking her if she wanted him to still do it.

Lillie didn’t know what she wanted but there was something she clearly didn’t want: Alex marks on her, remembering her of what happened. She pulled the t-shirt over her head tossing it to the side and laid down wearing only her bra.

Jinki took that as an invitation and leaned down, supporting his weight with his arm and staring at her eyes.  She placed one of her hands on his chest feeling his heartbeat while she watched him. It was weird but she felt rather nervous and uneasy. She kicked herself mentally, that wasn’t Alex; that was her boyfriend.

He moved to kiss her neck, his dump cold hair tickling her neck and she felt his lips touching her skin softly before he started on her skin. Lillie touched his hair and stayed with her eyes open staring at the fake stars on the ceiling, while he trailed the same path of kisses Alex did. She flinched every time his warm lips touched her skin and Onew grasped the blanket under her, controlling his anger. How he wish to get back to that room and kick Alex one more time!

He got closer to her and only one mark was left. He traced all the marks he did over the other man’s mark, as if he was drawing on her skin and end up just above her bra.

She whimpered when he caressed that last mark and he slowly over it.

Lillie released his head and her arm fell over the blanket under her. She didn’t feel like herself. If Onew did that to her one day ago she would be burning with desire but right now it was as if she didn’t feel anything. It wasn’t unpleasant but at the same time it wasn’t pleasant also.

He released her skin, oblivious to her thoughts and kissed her softly over the last mark before looking up at her.

She was too quiet and he could understand. It was obvious that was the last thing on her mind right now and he wouldn’t force her.

She looked back at him and he caressed her face leaning down to kiss her lips. She closed her eyes and he kissed her softly. However she opened her eyes immediately, her hands pushing him away.

He broke the kiss immediately and stared down at her. She seemed shocked and frightened and he wondered if he did something wrong. She covered her face with her hands and mumbled an apology.

He sat up and stood there awkwardly watching her. 

Lillie couldn’t believe that was happening to her; just when Onew lips touched hers she saw Alex and she felt as if he was the one kissing her. It was like a nightmare that she couldn’t wake up from.

She couldn’t tell Jinki that she saw Alex…she couldn’t! It would hurt him! Lillie couldn’t even look at him. She felt so embarrassed right now! Worse….she was scared she would never be able to kiss Jinki again!

Don’t run away from me, only I want to see the pretty you
I stiffen my legs and even I hate myself
My memories get fuzzy and faint, the angels whisper oh
 

 “I’ll wait…” he said suddenly and she knew what he meant. He didn’t knew what she imagined but he knew it was because of what happened and precious as he was he was going to wait.

She took her hands away from her face and looked at him. He wasn’t watching her anymore and his eyes were set on the stars above him. He never seemed so handsome to her.

She sat up and leaned her head against his back, her hands touching his warm, comforting back.  “I do love you a lot!”

“I know!”  He didn’t turn around or move. It was killing him knowing that he couldn’t even kiss her, but for her he would do anything. “I love you too!”

Lillie raised her head and tenderly kissed the back of his neck.

 “It’s ok!” he repeated smiling and this time she kissed his cheek hurting her lip. She didn’t care…

“I said I would wait.” He repeated.

“I want to do it!”  

Jinki tried to be positive about it.  At least she wanted to be around him. He could live without for a while and he was confident that she would eventually let him kiss her.

“You should get back to sleep. If you want I can go...” He offered ready to get up.

“No. You can stay. Just don’t say anything. Just be here!”

“Like a soft toy?” he asked giggling and making her smile.

“Like a soft toy!”

She lied down with her head on his thighs and he tangled his hand on her hair, massaging her head while she put her headphones on and her iPod.

He grabbed them away making her look up at him confused.

“Why use an iPod when you have the OnewPod here? My voice is not at is best but I still can sing! So…What should I sing?”

“Moonlight?”

He smiled and she closed her eyes.

“Shuffle shuffle!” he mumbled making her giggle before he started singing.

 

 

The sound of a drawer closing woke Lillie up. She peeked from below the white sheet and blinked her eyes focusing on Jinki putting his t-shirt on.

“Sorry I woke you up!” he said looking at himself on the mirror before closing the closet door.

“It’s ok…” she mumbled placing her arm below her head and admiring him. He was wearing denim shorts and one of his expensive stylish t-shirts “you look nice!”

“I have to work today. We have a recording for a show.”

“Really? That’s good…”

He sat by her side and she knew he was hesitating to touch her.

Since yesterday and the way she snapped at him, even though they were ok now, he seemed afraid to hurt her again.

Lillie used her free arm to grab his hurt hand. “It looks better today!”

He looked at his knuckles. The ointment the doctor prescribed and the ice was doing miracles. It wasn’t very noticeable now. He wish he could say the same about her face. It wasn’t as swelled as before but her lip was still hurt.

“How are you feeling?” he was afraid to ask but he had too.

She shrugged her shoulders and turned with her tummy up. “Ok. I’ll be ok. Don’t worry!”

“I’ll probably only come back at evening!”

“I can survive and I won’t leave the house. Don’t worry!”

He touched her forehead, caressing her skin.

“Good girl!”

He released her hand slowly and stood up looking at her, maybe waiting for Lillie to say something else, but she didn’t so he left the room.

Lillie wished she could have said something but she didn’t have energy to do anything. Today was the day she was going to travel to Japan. It seemed like she planned that trip weeks ago but it was only a few days.

She stayed in bed for hours watching the shadows on the ceiling until she got up and decided to take a shower. She grabbed one of the blouses and skirts Jules prepared for her and walked around the house barefoot.

She wasn’t hungry so she ate one banana and then made a short visit to Key’s dogs.

After that she decided to actually do something. She was going crazy with boredom and being busy could help her stop thinking about Alex.

Lillie entered Jinki bedroom and started making their bed. Then she peeked inside Jonghyun and Taemin room to see if they did theirs. She saw the ruffled sheets and the proof that they didn’t.

She walked inside slowly as if she didn’t want to wake up anyone even though the room was empty.

Should she even be there? What if she found any of their underwear on the floor?!That would be awkward.

However she didn’t so she made their beds and went to take care of Key’s and Minho.

But Minho’s bed was already made and Key room was a little messy. There were a couple clothes on his bed and Lillie was so afraid to touch anything she gave up on it closing the door.

Maybe that wasn’t a good idea after all!

Then she moved to the laundry room and decided to do the laundry. It was a very bright and sunny day and there were a lot of clothes on the laundry bin.

She decided to collect the laundry from the three bathrooms but started at the one she normally used with Jinki.

Humming Stand By Me she started taking the clothes from the bin. She pulled the clothes to her arms until she noticed a pair of green and blue boxers that she never saw Onew wear. Maybe they were new! She grabbed them and then noticed the letter J on it.

“!” she let the piece of clothing fall into the bin once again. She recalled Key saying they labeled their underwear! She just grabbed Jonghyun underwear!

Laundry wasn’t a good idea after all!

Lillie was going to walk away and clean the kitchen instead when she noticed a familiar piece of clothing. She grabbed her t-shirt from the bin. If it was months ago she would have fangirled to see her clothes and underwear sharing the same space as SHINee ones but now she didn’t care about it.

She touched the fabric slowly, remembering how she decided to wear it because she didn’t want to look pretty to Alex.

The fabric had a little spots of blood and she rubbed it with her finger not sure if it was hers or Alex blood from his lips.

She trembled remembering how Alex pulled that shirt from her body, how his lips felt against her skin. If she closed her eyes she could still smell him and feel his hot breath against .

Lillie legs failed her and she started to feel dizzy. She grabbed the bin for support and her hand slide on the cold wall from the bathroom.

 

It goes round and round, this song for me
It goes round and round, slowly, my melody box
Round and round, getting dizzy
My orgel

 

She held the t-shirt against her chest and it was the worst thing she could do.

It smelled like his expensive perfume. She sniffed it several times to be sure. It was probably a product of her imagination and she cried in pain, yet it did smell like Alex.

She was going to put it back on the bin but suddenly something like that didn’t deserve to be surrounded by the clothes of the people she loved.

So she made a decision, a crazy one, and she stormed outside the bathroom with the damned piece of clothing on her hand and walked to the kitchen throwing it inside the sink.

She searched for the matches on the near cabinet until she found it and with her hands trembling she lighted several matches throwing it at the t-shirt. At first it wasn’t working but then a small flame ignited and she stood there watching the fabric burn.

“ARE YOU CRAZY?” a woman’s voice from behind her yelled, and a small chubby ahjumma pulled her away and opened the tap, the water ruining Lillie work and making a small cloud of smoke appear.

The woman said a few more urgent words (it seemed a lot like swearing) in what appeared like Korean but it was too fast and with a different intonation so Lillie couldn’t understand.

 “I’m sorry, who are you?” Lillie asked confused.

“WHO AM I? WHO ARE YOU? Some crazy fan…” The woman grabbed a broom and Lillie run away to the living room with the ahjumma yelling after her. “Go away before I call the police!”

“No wait…I’m living here!” Lillie repeated trying really hard to understand the older woman who was talking about fans and satanic rituals and clearly not listening to her.

“Living? Go away right now or ill hit you. Stop following my boys! Crazy foreigner girls!”

“I’m not! I’m Jinki girlfriend!” the woman kept pushing Lillie with the broom and she end up on the door. “I’m staying here for some days. Please call manager Minho and ask!”

The woman stopped eyeing Lillie suspiciously.

“Dating Jinki…”

“Yes! I’m Lillie. Jinki has pictures of me on his room!”

The ahjumma looked at Lillie studying her and Lillie brushed her hair away from her face so she could see her.

“You do look familiar.”

“That’s cos I am…”

The ahjumma ordered Lillie to stay at the door while she called manager Minho to be sure.  Lillie sat on the floor and waited listening to their conversation on the phone.

The woman came back and bowed to Lillie giving her a sincere apology.

“It’s ok!” Lillie walked back into the living room and ready to finish destroying the t-shirt but the ahjumma pushed her away.

“No. You are a guest!”

“No. I was just going to finish…”

“No way! You can burn the apartment down.”

The ahjumma went back to the kitchen ranting about young kids and weird foreigners.

Lillie sighed and sat on the couch leaning her head back. Seeing that t-shirt burn was making her feel good. It was probably the only thing that made her smile the whole day…beside seeing Jinki changing. He looked so handsome!

She lied down on the couch and touched her chest. She should have hugged him!

Lillie the TV and sulked watching it while the cleaning lady moved around the house. And once again she felt useless! She was going to be such a bad wife in the future! Jinki was screwed!  However the thought made her giggle and suddenly she didn’t felt as sad as before.

It was all because of him, Mister ing Sunshine as she called him. Lillie was an idiot! He really was sunshine, a warm, healing, handsome sunshine!

As if he knew she was thinking fondly about him her phone rang and she immediately knew it was him.

“I’m sorry I forgot to tell Eun-Mi aunt that you would be there.”

Manager Minho must have told him!

“I guess that’s the name of your cleaning lady!”

“Yes! I’m terribly sorry. Manager Minho told me she gave you a hard time.”

Lillie looked sideways at the adorable and seeming inoffensive lady taking a pile of laundry to the laundry room.

“No. it was interesting.”

“She also told the Manager that you were burning clothes…”

Oh No! She gave her secret away! You can’t trust cleaning ladies!

Lillie didn’t know what to answer to him. He probably would think she was going crazy and never leave her alone at the dorm again, but she didn’t want to lie to him anymore.

“I tried burning the t-shirt I wore…that night!”

There was a pause and she knew he was battling with himself for something to say.

“Why?

“It had his perfume!”

“Lillie…”

“We can throw it away. She probably did already. What are you doing? How was the recording?”

He knew she changed subject on purpose and he gave in.

“It’s almost finished. We are going to eat something now. Did you eat?”

“Yes…” she ate a banana so that could count. “I tried doing the laundry. But Jonghyun underwear told me I couldn’t!”

“WHAT?”

Lillie giggled and suddenly she felt so good and at the same time so evil.

“I saw his underwear and gave up.”

“You can’t just snoop around a man’s home.”

“Afraid I’ll find your collection?”

“On the drawer…”

“NO! I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!” He giggled and she laughed with him. It felt so refreshing! “Do you really have a collection?” she frowned. Men are all the same! ert!

“Well…I used to but…I don’t use it much lately!”

“USE IT? Oh God!” She rolled on the couch almost falling.

“Yes!” he seemed amused with her reaction “aren’t you curious about the reason I don’t use it much anymore?”

“Why?” she knew what he was going to say but still she wanted him to say it. There was a familiar tingling feeling inside her, the one she always had when he flirted with her.

“Because no fantasy is better than you! I would trade all my for a few minutes with you!”

Lillie heard Key laughing on the background and imagined Onew getting embarrassed because they were listening to their conversation.

“You are the most romantic man ever!”

They both laughed and Lillie wished he was there. Talking with him was real therapy!

“I’m bored Jinki. Can’t I go and take Garcon and Comes Des for a walk?”

She raised her legs in the air, balancing her feet like a kid, and showing her since she was wearing a skirt.

“You can’t! It’s dangerous. Why don’t you do something you like to do when you are home?”

Lillie stared at her feet; she was wearing Taemin socks today.

“SHINee fangirling?”

“That seems like a good idea!”

 

 

Jules laughed reading the messages Lillie sent her on Kakao. It was very clear that her friend was bored inside the SHINee dorm; she even tried to do the laundry.

However Jules was envious of Lillie. She wanted to be the one inside the dorm so she could explore Key room. After their drunken night they were together a few times and it was always good and fun and they even make out a couple times but it never went past it. Jules wondered what she was doing wrong.

She played with her blonde hair staring at Jinho who was clearly feeling down after he found out from Jules what happened to Lillie.

Even Jules, who now liked him a little more, was sad for him.

At least Jinki could be by Lillie’s side!

Jules was going to turn off her Kakao application when she got a new message.

It was a simple Hi but it was enough to make her heart jump on her chest.

Minjae was the sender and before she realized what she was doing she wrote back.

 

 

Lillie entered another of Onew fansites and smiled watching the old pictures of SWC3.

“He looks so good!” she said to no one since the cleaning lady has left a long time ago and she was alone eating chips from a package she found on the kitchen.

Lillie hugged Dubu, the soft toy Jinki gave her and munched her chips diligently.

She doesn’t know how long she stayed there exploring his fansites but soon she was online shopping for SHINee merchandising.

She was going to enter eBay when her phone rang. It was her mom. It was time for her weekly call. Lillie looked at the name on the screen and almost didn’t answer it.

Her mom seemed to be in a good mood and Lillie tried really hard to pretend that everything was fine.

“So how is your boyfriend?”

“Fine!”

“When am I going to talk with him?”

“I don’t think that is a good idea mom. Do you know Korean?”

Her mom chuckled and Lillie played with the laptop mouse.

“It’s been a while since you two are dating. Maybe you should come to visit and bring him.”

“I actually do have to visit you mom. I miss you and dad and…I have something important to tell you.”

“Don’t tell me! You are going to marry?”

“No. No! It’s something else. Don’t worry. But Jinki can’t go. He is very busy now!”

“Always busy.  He will end up rich if he keeps working like that!”

“You have no idea mom!” Lillie rolled her eyes amused and listened to her mom talk about her week, her dad’s week and all those small things she missed so much.

She wanted to hug her mom so badly but at the same time she was afraid of going back to her country and her family.

There was something very scary about entering her old room, and the revelations she had to make to her parents.

 

 

“I’m going to shower cos I have plans for tonight!” Key said entering the apartment and disappearing inside his room right away.

Minho entered after Jinki and both took their shoes off slowly.

“Should we order something for dinner?” he asked his hyung “I’ll pay.”

“Thanks Minho!” Minho patted Onew back knowing how he was very troubled lately, worried with Lillie and the fact that Alex disappeared, also the pressure the company was giving him. If the press knew about what was happening and that he was hiding a woman at their house things could get complicated.

Lillie heard them arrive and greeted Minho when he walked by her.

Jinki followed him and Lillie gave him a huge smile once he appeared in front of her. Her eyes were set on him as if he was shining. It was  so natural that he was even surprised. That didn’t seem like the same girl who looked at him expressionless in the morning. It was as if her mood changed drastically.

“Hi?”

“SUNSHINE!” she beamed stretching her hand for him to grab. She pulled him down to her side and kissed the corner of his lip quickly, surprising him.

She kissed him?

She almost didn’t look at him on the morning.

And the night before when he lied by her side in bed she moved away. He tried to forget that attitude all day but it was still hurting him even though he knew she didn’t meant it.

“What are you doing?” he asked eyeing her hand on his thigh, dangerously rubbing him. What the hell was she doing?! She looked so lovely and sweet and was making him go crazy!

“How was your day?” she asked sweetly scaring him a little.

“Who are you and where is my girlfriend?” he asked giggling and covering his mouth with his hand.

She used the hand on his thigh to hit him lightly and then put it on the original place, caressing his inner thigh once again. Doesn’t she know what she is doing to him?!

He eyed her hand and grab it on his, slowly intertwining his fingers with hers. She didn’t seem to notice but he was satisfied that she was so close and giving him that small share of skinship. He watched her while she browsed eBay and he couldn’t help but stare at her lips while she talked about what she did all day. Her rosy tasty lips that he missed so much…

“Are you listening?” she asked suddenly and he nodded his head finally looking at the screen.

“Is that my face?” he pointed at the screen blinking his eyes cutely.

“Yes. It’s Everybody’s official Polaroid’s! I’m going to buy them!”

“Why?”

“Because they have your face!” she said in an isn’t it obvious tone.

“I’m here Lillie. Why have pictures of me if I’m here?”

“Because you look so damn hot with those clothes!”

“I can ask them to lend them to me!” he joked staring at her reaction.

“REALLY?”

The idea seemed very pleasing to her because her cheeks suddenly got pink.

“I love that outfit you wore at the Melon awards so much…it’s so damn y!”

He watched her with a crocked smile, caressing her neck. He was touching her and she was talking about y things, also she seemed so happy. Maybe, just maybe she forgot all about Alex and what happened. It was possible right?

“Anything…I’ll ask!”

“YES!” she screamed delighted returning to the laptop, not even realizing that his fingers moved from her neck down her back caressing her over her thin t-shirt.

“There are so many cute things with your face on it; even a notebook!”

He frowned with the lack of her attention on his touch.

“Should I buy eBay for you?”  he joked making his hand tickle her side. She slapped his hand away without saying anything.

“THEY HAVE YOUR BEANIE!” Lillie almost screamed scaring him.

“What beanie?”

She shoved the laptop on his face and he saw the familiar black beanie he liked to wear.

“Oh that one!”

“Yes…I love it so much but it’s so expensive! I stared at Onew pictures of him wearing it all afternoon!”

He opened his mouth admired with her fangirl passion. “You do know I’m Onew right? That you are talking about me?”

She ignored him and he took the opportunity to slide his hand to her leg that was bare. Blessed skirts!! He smirked caressing her skin and watching her reaction. Surprisingly she was more interested in the beanie than on him.

He sighed and moved his hand away, finally giving up! He said he would wait! He has to wait!

“Do you want my beanie?”

She looked at him with cute eyes as if he asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. What the hell?!

“I’ll buy you one!”

“Like yours?”

“Yes!”

“Couple beanies?” She cutely looked up at him, her hand pulling his hand to her chest.

He chuckled. “Yes! Anything for you!”

She quickly leaned forward and hugged him, surprising Jinki. He circled her with his arms pulling her closer and closed his eyes. Damn it felt so good! He would never take that for granted anymore.

He didn’t know, but she also had her eyes closed and was enjoying it as much or even more than he was. She wished to do that all day. Lillie noticed every time he touched her, how his fingers caressed the skin of her neck and went down her back before settling on her legs. She would lie if she said that she didn’t feel anything. There was that familiar tingling sensation inside her, the one that always made her want more. She also noticed how he stared at her lips and for a brief moment she did wish him to kiss her; but she was scared. She didn’t want to push him away and hurt him as she did the previous night and this morning.  So she acted excited covering her feelings and the burning sensation inside her body that was starting to come back.  And when she found a motif to do it she hugged him. She felt as if she was taking advantage of her fangirl behavior but she didn’t care. Being able to be in his arms and smell his scent was enough.

She pulled away after a while and he slowly released her.

“We should go shopping together.” He suggested and she agreed.

She didn’t like shopping but with Onew it must be fun. “It’s on my list!”

The list! He totally forgot about it.

“I have to shower!” he kissed her cheek and she flinched cos he hurt her.

“Sorry!” he said rising up and patting her head as if she was a small girl. “While I’m away you can use my beanie!”

She beamed and stood up. “Really? Can I?”

Lillie was a total fangirl.

He laughed and she followed after him like a puppy. “Can I see your collection of hats?”

 

It’s only us in this world
Only dance for me
Aren’t you happy if you see me always smiling?
 

 

Lillie hated parties and even more when she was the center of attentions and she didn’t feel like socializing.

Onew watched her walking around his bedroom, with her pink summer dress and the few make up she lazily put on.

“Cheer up. It’s just a group of friends getting together.”

He refused to call it a party even though it seemed like one.

Lillie didn’t know who had the idea but suddenly everyone decided to appear at the dorm, all five members, Jules, Rin and even the new Minho girlfriend. Some friends of Onew she knew from the times they started to know each other were also coming.

“It’s to celebrate my return to the stages Lillie!” He explained with his bunny smile biting his lower lip.

“I know and I’m happy for you!” she was but she also knew that they were trying to make her be more social and cheerful. Oh she hated it so much!

 “How do I look?” he asked biting his lip once again and she realized he was nervous.

She stood up and touched his chest, tracing the lines of the drawing on his shirt.

Since the day before he didn’t touch her anymore and she didn’t touch him either.

Today it was about him, not her and she needed to stop being selfish.

“You look very handsome!”

“You are also so beautiful!”

He stared at her and she noticed how he leaned forward, his eyes searching hers, probably asking if he could kiss her. She stepped back immediately almost falling into the bed and turned around.

“Where are my earrings?” she stuttered trying to pretend nothing happened. He looked at the back of her dress, at the pretty cutout on the fabric in the shape of a heart, which revealed the perfect skin of her back. How he wished to touch and kiss her there!

Jinki sulked! She didn’t want him to kiss her yet and even though it was only 4 days after what happened he was starting to get worried.

 

 

After one hour Lillie was certain that the party for Jinki was a cover up. All the snacks on the table were her favorite snacks and everyone was being extra nice to her. They were clearly trying to cheer her up.

She sat at the couch for the entirety of the “party” watching everyone around her. Jonghyun was in a corner talking with Rin who would send her worried glances once in a while. Rin knew how much she hated that, Rin understood her.

After a while Jules sat by her side with Key and both tried to make Lillie laugh with their silly conversations. It worked several times and Lillie was grateful but still she felt really gloomy.

She watched Jinki talking with his friends, looking at her once in a while, showing how he was forever worried with her and she felt worse. Lillie needed to leave that black hole she feel in as quick as she could or he would get tired of her or worse she could drain all the good energy he had.

The thought suddenly made her very worried and she stood up from the couch. She didn’t know what she was going to do and she didn’t have time because Minho entered the apartment with his new girlfriend, both holding hands.

Lillie gasped and Rin followed her.

“Min!” Rin exclaimed covering .

Minseo was his girlfriend? When did that happen?

The small woman blushed holding her boyfriend hand that was two times taller than her. It was actually funny and cute at the same time.

“YOU SLY FOX!” Jules said laughing and hugging an embarrassed Minseo.

Everyone seemed surprised so Lillie realized she wasn’t the only one not knowing about that relationship.

She was going to congratulate them when someone yelled from the other side of the living room. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Taemin stepped closer with a bottle of beer on his hand.

“What do you mean?” Minho asked looking at the younger man.

“THIS?” he pointed at Minseo who stared at him offended.

“Are you drunk Taemin?”  Minho asked dangerously. “You are being rude!”

Lillie looked from one to another.

Ok! She wasn’t the only one having problems on that dorm.

“Rude? Oh…” Taemin rolled his eyes and chuckled.

Jonghyun grabbed Taemin arm before Jinki, who had the same idea, and pulled him.

“Tae you are drunk, let’s go…”

However he didn’t listen to Jonghyun and eyed Minho.

“You are a liar! LYING TO HER AND YOURSELF!”

“That’s enough Taemin!” Key said gesturing to Onew to take him.

The leader grabbed the maknae arm and pulled him to the hallway, Jonghyun following them.

Minho grabbed Minseo hand once again who was looking at him a bit lost and pulled her after him to the balcony.

“Ok this was awkward!” Jules said with a fake laugh. She was clearly a little drunk too.

Lillie stared at everyone not knowing what to do and wanting desperately to disappear. Key started to talk but she wasn’t hearing him anymore.

Suddenly she felt like running away from there. It was another panic attack and she felt like she couldn’t breathe anymore. She looked at the balcony but Minho and Minseo were there. So she didn’t have anywhere to run away besides outside.

She walked quickly to the door and stared at the floor. None of her shoes were there and she panicked. She didn’t have time she needed to go outside. She walked barefoot outside, the cold floor actually making her feel better.

She heard Jules ask her where she was going before she entered the elevator.

The elevator was a bad idea. She was always afraid of them and she found herself in a closed space. She desperately rubbed her neck and opened trying to make air enter her lungs.

She leaned her arm against the wall for support and rested her head on it, closing her eyes and praying that it would go down quickly.

When the doors opened she left the elevator almost bumping into a couple who stared at her surprised.

She didn’t give them a second look and walked outside and down the stairs. The sunlight made her blink several times until she adjusted to it; she breathed in several times and hesitantly stepped into the ground with her bare feet. The gravel made her feet hurt but surprisingly hurting was good. She walked slowly, touching her sweaty forehead and passed by the security guard who pretended not to see her.

She walked into the street and crossed the empty road into the small parking lot in front.

Lillie didn’t feel the pain on her feet anymore and leaned her back against a tree staring into nothing. Slowly her heart beating was returning to normal and she was starting to recover.

She couldn’t stay there longer. Alex could be there somewhere and she was alone. She frowned tired. They needed to find Alex or she would be forever a prisoner.

Lillie closed her eyes panting and suddenly felt someone grab her shoulders and pull her away from the tree.

She opened her eyes afraid but it wasn’t Alex who stared back at her. Jinki seemed angry and his grip on her shoulders was hurting her.

“ARE YOU CRAZY?” he screamed shaking her but she didn’t answer him.

He groaned frustrated and pulled her to his arms. She tried to push him away with her hands. He was hugging her too tight and barely letting her breathe but he didn’t move.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t feeling well.” Lillie mumbled with no energy and he pulled back cupping her face.

“Don’t ever do that again without telling me! I almost died searching for you!”

He wasn’t angry, he was just worried and frustrated and it was all her fault as always.

She took his hands away and walked back home with him following her.

He stared at her back while she walked barefoot over the ground as if it was nothing, her heavy breathing making him out of breathe.

He quickened his pace when she crossed the road again and stood in front of her, ready to piggyback her.

“Come on!” he ordered and she hugged his neck, climbing to his back.

He swiftly stood up with her on his back and even though she didn’t say anything she was thankful to him. That was also the first time he gave her a piggyback ride. As always she couldn’t enjoy it because  she was acting like a fool.

They walked inside the building and she asked him to release her. He did it and both stepped inside the elevator.

The doors closed and Jinki searched her hand grabbing it on his.” Maybe you should try and find a therapist like my doctor suggested!” He said it softly; afraid she would get angry with him.

“I don’t need one!”

“It can help. Maybe then…”

“I really don’t know what is wrong with me!” Her sudden outburst and the way she desperately looked at him frightened him. “But I don’t want to see anyone! Please don’t make me go!”

“It’s ok!” He turned to her grabbing both her hands on his “You don’t have to. Just don’t push me away. Ok?”

“I don’t want that but I end up doing it. God I want you to hold me!”

He moved to hug her but she stepped away hugging herself. What if she saw Alex again?

She panicked realizing what she just did. She was acting like a crazy person. He probably thinks she is crazy!

 “Ok! Its ok!” he answered stupidly not knowing what to do.

The doors of the elevator opened and he looked at her waiting for her to walk outside. Instead she pushed the button closing the doors again.

She needed to step outside that hole that was inside her destroying the relationship with him.

“What are you doing?” he asked and she turned to him.

“Kiss me!”

“Why?” he asked suspiciously. What was she doing? She didn’t even want him to hug her!

“Don’t you want to kiss me?”

“I do. You know I do but you clearly don’t want me to do it. Lillie what are you trying to do here?”

“Just kiss me please.”

He took a deep breath and moved closer to her, his hand pulling her by her waist near him.

She touched his chest, and her hands slide to his neck, caressing his skin before pulling him down to her. He pulled her against him; his hand touching the skin of her back as he wished so much.

He leaned slowly closer wishing no one would enter the elevator at that moment.

She closed her eyes and opened her lips waiting and he looked at her. It was like their first kiss together but now he knew how wonderful her lips could be. He wanted to kiss her so much! He smiled slightly touching her lips with his and since she didn’t move he closed his eyes and gave in to his desires kissing her lips tenderly. She stood motionless so he lessened the hold on her, ready to move away but she pulled him against her kissing him back.

Her answer to his kiss made him kiss her more passionately and his fingers caressed her back while they kissed. It was starting to be hard to breathe but none wanted to end that kiss. When Lillie started to feel dizzy she pushed him back breaking it with regret.

He looked at her and quickly stole another kiss from her lips. Lillie touched her hurt lip and he frowned. He forgot all about that.

“It’s fine!” she said reading his mind. It didn’t hurt and she couldn’t take her eyes from him. It was crazy but she fell for him all over again. Can you fall for the same person several times?!

“You kissed me back!” he said happily, the corners of his mouth turning upwards into a cute smile; and she leaned her head against his chest.

“I did…it worked!”

“What worked?” Jinki asked caressing her neck but she didn’t answer him back.

What she feared didn’t happen. Not once she imagined Alex kissing her instead of Jinki.

She could kiss her boyfriend again. She was stepping outside the dark hole.

 

Twinkle twinkle, the tears in your eyes make me smile
I don’t want anyone to steal glances at you, smile for me
I get pushed more and more with my sighs after entering a forest called you, from which I can’t escape
I don’t care if I die in this unknown place so hurry and come to me

 

 

Lillie heard him enter the bedroom but she didn’t move; she remained with her back to the door from where she was lying down on the bed.

She felt the movement behind her and soon Jinki put an arm around her, pulling her body against his and grabbing her hand in his.

He kissed her neck and she opened her eyes. “Did everyone leave?”

After the elevator kiss they returned home and she apologized to everyone and hid on his bedroom. She could hear them talking on the living room but it was better this way.

“How is Taemin?” Lillie asked while he rubbed his nose against her neck.

“Sleeping. I was talking with him.”

“Why was he so upset?”

“Minho doesn’t love Minseo!”

 “I know!”

“Taemin doesn’t accept it. He says Minho is playing with her.”

“Is he?” she didn’t want Minseo to end up hurt but she shouldn’t meddle on their relationship.

“I doubt it. Still he should be careful.”

Lillie nodded and pulled his hand to her chest kissing his fingers. “I’m sorry I acted like an idiot!”

“You said that we should stop saying sorry!” He chuckled kissing her back. “Yes you were a little. But everyone understands. Also this was a stupid idea!”

“Congratulations for being healthy again!”

“Hum!” he mumbled against her neck and she turned around realizing it was a mistake because he was too close to her and she didn’t have any space. She was inches from his face and lips.

“I love you. I wish I could show you!”

“What are you talking about? That elevator kiss was great. Ill add it to the other one you gave me before. It makes that elevator very memorable!”

“I don’t mean a kiss!”

He knew what she meant.

“Then….you can show me it by buying me chicken and beer!” He informed her pouting and she ignored him. “ is not everything Lillie. I don’t need that to know you love me.”  He hugged her again “I told you I would wait until it’s not something painful for you.”

She kissed his lips slowly and felt the tingling sensation again when he caressed her body down to her legs.

“I’m just afraid I won’t be able to…”

“I know! Let’s wait until Lillie is back!” he kissed her neck and pulled away before she pushed him. “Slowly ill make you come back. I know I can!” his hand caressed her thigh under her dress but didn’t move upwards. “I love your by the way!”

“You saw them?” she  covered her face embarrassed making him laugh.

“Yes when you were changing!” he pulled her dress up trying to peek again and she hit his hand.

 “I didn’t have any clean ones besides the red laced ones.”

“Red laced? Hum I like! I want to see those ones also!” he smirked and she smiled cheeky at him. “But I also like the cute kitty’s one! It’s cute and weirdly y!”

“Like a school girl fantasy?”

 “Yes. Can I be the y teacher and teach you anatomy?”

“Yes please!” she actually looked excited “we should play at it someday!”

“Can I throw my collection to the trash? Are you serious?” 

She punched his stomach playfully.

“Yes I am! Someday!”… When she isn’t scared anymore.

He kissed her forehead and patted her teasing her.

“Good girl, but you have to wear those or my fantasy won’t be complete.”

 

 

It goes round and round, this song for me
It goes round and round, slowly, my melody box
Round and round, getting dizzy
My orgel that is only mine

 

Suddenly the way out from that dark hole was closer than expect.

Alex was found!

Apparently he hid for a few days on a cheap hotel wearing a fake name.  The good news was that he accepted the deal Onew lawyers gave him. She was free and Alex was going to board a plane that same day and hopefully never come back to Korea.

Manager Minho personally came to give them the news and Onew felt so relieved to know he accepted the deal. Things would get complicated if he didn’t.

Unexpectedly Lillie seemed emotionless about it.

Recently since she kissed Jinki she was thinking about something. She needed to face her fears if she wanted to overcome them. She was scared of seeing Alex when she kissed Onew but as soon as she did it she felt so much better and now they were fine. Now she was sure about what she needed to do if she wanted to find peace. She was going to ask but Manager Minho said it for her.

“His flight is this afternoon! However…” Manager Minho paused looking at Lillie waiting for her reaction “…He made a request.”

“A request?” Jinki snorted “He is lucky I don’t know where he is or I would ttakbam him again!”

Lillie noticed how Onew opened and closed his injured hand. It was like a reflex from that night and it made her uneasy.

“He wants to talk with Lillie a last time!”

“NO WAY!” Jinki said right away ignoring Lillie who said a weak yes.

He stared at her incredulous.

“You want to see him, after what he did to you? You didn’t recover yet! I’m not letting him get closer to you anymore!”

“I want to talk with him too!”

She tried to reason with Jinki but he wasn’t even listening to her, fuming and looking at the manager. “Please tell her that it is a crazy idea!”

Manager Minho looked at Jinki pondering his request.

“Well, I also don’t think it’s a good idea and the company forbade it.”

“See?” Jinki said to her and she sulked. Lillie knew it was the right thing to do.

Jinki thanked the manager and accompanied him to the door. While they were settling what to do next Jonghyun came out from the kitchen eating a piece of bread.

Lately he was showing up at the dorm a lot and Lillie suspected that he was checking on Onew and how he was dealing with all her drama.

“I’m ruining my diet!” he said making Lillie smile slightly. “Did I hear well? That bastard is going away?”

Minho peeked from the kitchen with a huge smile.

“We need to drink to that!”

Jonghyun pushed him back and both bickered.

“GO HOME!” Minho said to Jonghyun both starting a fight like two kids.

Lillie giggled until Jinki sat by her side again.

He seemed as relieved as she was. “Now only a few more hours for you to be safe again!”

“Let me see him!” she asked Jinki once again.

“Are you crazy? No way! Why would you even want to look at his face?”

“To tell him how much I hate him, how much he hurt me and how sorry I feel for him and what he became. I want to close this chapter of my life Jinki. I need to break up with Alex properly.”

“Lillie…”

“It makes sense.” Jonghyun said his lips “let her go.”

“No way!” Jinki repeated “he can hurt her again! The company said…” Jinki started but was interrupted by Jonghyun chuckle.

“Since when we do what they tell us if we don’t agree?“ Jinki smiled knowing he was right “Besides they don’t need to know.”

“I will kill him if I see him breathing on the same room that she is!”

The way Jinki said it was actually funny and Lillie grabbed his hand.

“I will go with you to avoid it!” Jonghyun offered.

 “I can go too!” Minho offered too raising his hand eager to help.

“Please?” Lillie pulled Jinki arm and he sighed in defeat.

“Will you definitely feel better after?”

“Yes! I’m sure!”

He nodded and she hugged him thankfully.

She had so many things to say to Alex that she didn’t even know where to start. She was also really afraid to see him but if Onew and the others were going to be with her than she knew she could do it; and maybe after that she would be able to go on with her life and leave the purgatory she fell in.

 

It goes round and round, this song for me
It goes round and round, slowly, my melody box
Round and round, getting dizzy
My endlessly turning orgel
 

Sorry sorry...i know its a very gloomy chapter but please understand. 

Next one will be a very cute one I promise! ^^

Im also writing CEL

Love you ~

Also today is Dating an Idol Birthday! 

One year of Lillie and Onew! 

I wanted to post a special chapter but I havent writent it yet.

I want to write how they first met and fall in love....I dont know....I just think it would be cute!

What do you think? Like a special Christmas chapter!

http://youtu.be/abbtOXpIfKo