One step. Two step. Three step. Four step.

My feet trudged on the treadmill as I was deep in thought. My phone buzzed with another message from him. Was it right to ignore him? I turned up the volume on my ipod and started running. 

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I knocked on her door but I noticed her car wasn't here. She probably wasn't home. Call after call, I was not defeated. I would wait. Afterall, I hurted her didn't I? I took a seat on her doorstep and checked my phone every minute just to see if she would call me back. 

It was also getting colder. The sun had set and the air became freezing cold. It was stupid of me just to have a sweater on. It wasn't even keeping me warm. I stuffed my hands in my pocket and waited. 

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"You can go home tomorrow morning. We just need one more result of a test we took earlier. If there aren't any problems, you're free to go," the doctor told me. 

"Kamsahamnida," I thanked him. He grabbed his clipboard and his team walked out of my room. 

"We have a suprise for you," my sister smiled widely.

"Mwoya?" I asked.

"Not telling," she said as she stuck her tongue out at me. Although she was older, she was such a kid sometimes. 

Suddenly, G.O. and Mir were smiling at me like this.

"MWOH? What are you doing~~~~~" 

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I got into my car and started the engine. After working out for two hours, I was really exhuasted and ready to go home. My body felt loose but my mind was very alert and clear. I would have to stay away from Cheondung and Seungho in order not to hurt any of them. It was the best idea wasn't it?

Utter silence. I was so confused. Was something wrong with my car? The engine failed to start. I sat there like an idiot, trying to get it to work. Finally realizing that my car failed on me, I was completely ready to hit something. What kind of luck was this? 

Sighing, I grabbed my duffle bag, put it over my shoulder, and started walking home. It would probably take me thirty minutes or so if I fast walked. Fast walking was my only option since it was really cold. 

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If I keep sending her texts and calls she'll probably get annoyed right? What if I stop? Will that make it seem like I gave up? Aish. I don't know what to do anymore. 

I saw a rose and plucked it. Call. Not call. Call. Not call. Call. Not call. Call. Not call. I plucked another rose and started the same process again. By the time there was one rose left, the ground surrounding me was covered in rose petals. 

One more flower. 

Call. Not call. Call. Not call. Call.

I stopped whispering when I heard footsteps. It couldn't be her could it? Slowly, I looked up to the left. There she was, walking home with her head focused on her footsteps. She had a hood over her head and a duffle bag over her shoulder. She seemed to be deep in thought. That was, until she looked up and saw me staring back at her. By the time she looked up, I was already off the ground. She was startled.

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YIPPEEEE! I was finally a block away from my apartment. I was ready to grab a cup of hot tea or a hot cup of cocoa. I should probably go with tea since I just worked out. 

I was kicking a rock all the way home. It slowed my walk but that was okay since I was deep in thought. Everything seemed slow today anyway. 

I fished in my bag for my keys and took it out. Right when I looked up, there was a figure standing on my doorstep. I nearly skidded to a stop. There he was, staring right at me. This time however, his gaze was different. He looked....concerned.

I lost track of time because I was hypnotized by his eyes. I couldn't make myself look away.   

When I was done gathering myself up, he starting walking toward me. My mind was a mess again. I thought I had braced myself too. He walked to me eyes glued to mine. It did not fail to make me feel electrified. I was probably blushing again. Damnit. Blushing was the last thing on my list. 

He stopped when he was two inches away from me. He took his hands out of  his pocket and took a step toward me, closing on our gap. It was so unexpected. I felt my eyes bulge out. Here I was, being hugged by Seungho. I was running wild on the inside. Since my hands were in my pocket, I couldn't hug him back. Instead, my head was pressed upon his chest.

"Jikyung," was all he said when he embraced me. Just one word was able to make me feel like nothing mattered. He would never know how much I wanted him to hug me even though we didn't have that kind of relationship. All sad as it sounds, his hug made me feel complete and protected whereas Cheondung reminded me of my brother. 

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"Thanks," he thanked me as I handed him a warm cup of tea. He was shivering from the cold. He probably waited for a long time. Why wasn't he wearing a jacket?

"Are you hungry?" I asked, going to back to the kitchen to get something for him to eat. 

"No, it's okay," he responded, grabbing my wrist. He stood up and sat me down on the couch. I closed my hands together and looked down. He then sat down next to me, closing in on our gap. 

"Jikyung," he started, fixing his position so that he was facing me. I glanced up at him.

"I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have treated you like that. I was a bastard, an idiot, a jerk, a fool, and a moron for even speaking to you like that. I really didn't mean what I said because I was clearly jealous of Cheondung and how he got to you before I did. I was supposed to..........nevermind. It doesn't matter anymore. I'll understand if you hate me," he said, putting down himself and apologizing to me. 

I was touched, but as much as I was touched and relieved, I could not be too moved. Afterall, I knew what I had to do.

He looked into my eyes waiting for my reply. I gave him a small smile.

"It's okay," I reassured him. 

"Really?" he asked, he looked like a teenager who knew his parents were going on a business trip and leaving him home alone. He looked that happy. 

Seeing that he was really happy I was moved. I couldn't stop myself from doing what I always wanted. I gave him a hug. 

I hugged him, my arms wrapped around his neck. He tensified. Scared, I started to to pull back, but before I could, he loosened up and pulled me back into the hug.

"Nanun norul joaheyo, Park Jikyung," he whispered. I closed my eyes. I hurted so much inside. As much as I wanted to tell him that I liked him, I couldn't. If I did, I would always feel horrible. I know he would hurt seeing us together. 

Slowly, I pulled out of the embrace. He looked at me as if he were waiting for a reply but realizing that I wasn't going to say anything he looked pained. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean for it to be so sudden," he said, clearly disappointed. I put my hand on his arm and shook my head. I grabbed my cup of tea and walked  out of the room and into the kitchen. 

I put my cup into the sink and held onto the sides of the counter. 

You can do it Park Jikyung. Just find a way to get him out of your house, then you can stop holding back so much.

Right when I finished washing my hands, he called me back into the room.

"Hmm?" I asked as I looked at him. He held out his phone waiting for me to answer it.

"It's Cheondung, he wants to tell you something," he said, urging me to take his phone. Was he awake? Quickly, I retrieved the phone. Did I do that too quickly? I looked really desperate and eager when he mentioned Cheondung didn't I. I felt really bad but I really wanted to hear Cheondung's voice. 

"Yobosayo," I answered. 

"Jikyung noona," he said. I felt relieved to hear his voice. I listened closely to every word he said. I was invited to his party his sister and bandmates were throwing for him. 

"See you then," he said, sounding a little better.

"Alright, see you," I replied. I smiled when I said this. Seeing Seungho look up at me, I cleared my throat and handed the phone back to him.

"Did he invite you?" he asked me. 

"Yeah," I replied, faking a yawn. 

Noticing my gesture he nodded and got up. He fixed the pillow and slipped his phone into his pocket. 

"I've been meaning to give this to you," he said, handing me an envelope. 

"What's this?" I asked, curious. I started to open it, but he stopped me. 

"Open it when I'm gone. Good night Jikyung," he said, giving me a really small smile. He looked tired.

I started to the door to send him out.

"It's okay, stay inside, it's cold," he said. He closed the door after him, leaving me there feeling wrong. I was such a wench. 

I sat down on the sofa and opened the envelope slowly. It was a letter. Seungho had written this the day Cheondung was hospitalized. He was probably waiting to give this to me when he told me to meet him at the cafe. The letter was still warm and I clutched it even harder when I read what he had wrote. He was confessing to me. 

I held the letter to my heart and cried. What I had been holding in all along I made up for by crying. I hugged my knees and looked ahead. I was not able to return Seungho's affection toward me. I was not able to return any of it. Knowing that I had to do what I had to do only made me feel more upset and sorry.