Shattered by Caighean

Review by Shiina

The Title  (5/5)

The title is very eye catching; it is short but has a deep meaning. When you see the word "shattered" you immediately think of a broken doll. You then ask yourself what this story must be about, is it about a doll? I really like it, I read the title and wanted to read the story straight away. It had me hooked. Did I want to continue on to your description? Yes I did! For that I give you full marks.

Description and Foreword(8/10)

The description gives a brief overview; title, author, characters, rating, etc... I think that's; good it gives the reader basic information about the story so that they can make up their mind on whether to keep reading or not. 

The foreword is quite different from others I have read; they all have a snippet of the story, but yours is very logical. I agree, the foreword can sometimes lead you into thinking a certain way. I think you could've also added a short quote to tease the reader a little further into reading the story. I just think that it was kind of blunt, you should've made it more interesting. A poem would be more creative and enticing. I do understand that English isn't your first language so you don't have the "tools" to play around with words and stuff but I just think you could've done a lot better in explaining your reason for not using a foreword. For the bluntness and lack of creativity I will take off 2 marks, please don't take it to heart. I did like how you did that though, it was different and made me want to read the story. 

Plot and Originality(30/30)

I don't know which section to put this in but I loved how you put that poem in your story, it gave me an idea about what the story might be about and I really liked it. I loved your plot! It was very different from what I have read; you are a very unique author and I really do wish that your English was better so I could enjoy your story more. You have a lot of potential and I do hope to see you on the Popular authors page! I really like how you were very mysterious at the end, you kind of left a cliff hanger at the end of the story and it made me want to read more! Your plot was very original and very enticing, I would like to read more of your stories someday. 

Characterization(17/20)

I may be a bit biased with this story because my friend used to self-harm so I knew straight away what you meant when you described Luhan. He is a very mysterious boy and you can tell that he's been through a lot. When I first clicked on the story I thought it was going to be Luhan the perfect guy with and an O.C. who was not so perfect but I was suprised. I took off one mark because not much of Luhan was actually told; we kind of got briefed, but there was so much more I wanted to know about him. But I guess that adds to his mysterious-ness?

You don't really tell us much about Kai though, and I think you could've had a brief description on him? But, maybe he's irrelevant. 

Writing Style and Language(15/25)

First I will fix up your spelling mistakes and grammar:

- Creeking is actually supposed to be: creaking.

- "Since from now on, Luhan, I would be your therapist," should be: "Since, from now on, Luhan, I will be your therapist". You are speaking about the future, from now on he will be his therapist. "Would" is only used to describe something that might not happen: "If I was your therapist I would.." etc., or something in the past "I told him I would become your therapist." 

- "Not waiting for Luhan's reply, Kai simply lifted him up, wrapping arms around his waist." Should be: "Not waiting for Luhan's reply, Kai simply lifted him up, wrapping his arms around his waist". I don't think this was an error. I think you just didn't proof-read your story.

- "It was such a new feeling, to be held like that, surrounded by soft warmth and Luhan, almost willingly held onto the other maybe, just maybe for a moment too long, breathing in delicate, yet bitter scent of cigarettes and cologne." Should be "It was such a new feeling to be held like that, surrounded by soft warmth . Luhan, almost willingly, held onto the other for maybe, just maybe for a moment too long; breathing in the delicate, yet bitter scent of cigarettes and cologne." This sentence was just way too long to read, you need to give the reader time to breathe but don't just randomly place commas in there.

- "He closed eyes and exhaled softly," should be: "He closed his eyes and exhaled softly." Nothing wrong with that sentence, it's just that you forgot to put the possessive before "eyes."

Your writing style is very unique; you are very poetic, which is different from what I usually read. You are very good at describing things, which made me feel from my heart what you want to say. I'm sorry to give you 15, but you had way too many mistakes; either grammatical or misspelt words. I would suggest getting someone to read over your story before posting to minimise errors that could cause readers to not want to read your story anymore. I understand that English is not your first language so it is difficult to express what you mean without sounding boring. You did very good for someone who isn't very fluent in English. I would really like to give you full marks but there were too many errors. 

Flow(7/10)

Your story did flow quite nicely but the transition between Luhan meeting Kai and them falling in love was too quick. It went from Kai being his therapist, then they fell in love. It was just too quick; I know that with one shots you don't get to really go into detail but it was just too quick. They only had one outing and what could possibly happen in one outing? Not much. The start of the story and the end had a nice slow pace to match the mood of the story, but you could've made more things happen before Luhan and Kai were crazy about each other. 

Total (82/100)