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Soosica Journey as Parents - Oneshot Collection by softhard27
Review by coolgirlaamy
The Title (2/5)
The title is relevant to the story but honestly, it’s not very interesting. It doesn’t really stand out from the crowd and it’s not the kind of title that I would click on to see the story. It’s boring and I feel like you could have been able to come up with something more eye-catching and interesting. Also, there is a grammar error. It should be 'Soosica's journey as Parents' because it's a journey for both of them.
Description and Foreword (6/10)
The description is supposed to be a brief summary to entice the reader and make them want to read more. Yours isn’t really like that which is why I have had to take off a few points here. You don’t have a summary - it’s basically just what you think and what your words are for the reader. I know it would be difficult for a writer to write a brief summary about the entire oneshot collection but some parts are relevant and would work in a summary but others won’t and would work much better at the end of the foreward.
As for the foreword, I like how you have given brief descriptions about each one of your one shots because it makes it easy for the reader to see what each one is about. I would have liked to have seen the brief descriptions in the description area rather than the foreword.
The description would look better if it was like this:
Soosica One-shots featuring other SNSD members, based around Soosica’s children mostly.
Sooyoung and Jessica are married and have three beautiful and cute little children - Taeyeon, Sunkyu and Seohyun.
Join Sooyoung and Jessica on their journey as parents.
Then you should add the Oneshot descriptions - or you can keep them at the start of the foreword and whatever else you had in the description you can put afterwards.
Plot and Originality (14/30)
The plot in this story isn’t very original. There are a number of stories about idols having children, two idols from the same group havng children together etc. on this website. I just feel like this plot idea is just overused. However, I do like how you have decided to make the story into one-shots which tend to focus more on the kids and their lives rather than just the parents and what they’re going through.
There are a few things about the entire plot which bother me though. How on earth could two women manage to have a baby together? Since when was that possible. There are two reproductive organs that are required if you want to have a baby and women don’t have both of those. I’m sure you know this but you need to try and make it more believeable and realistic like maybe they went to a bank or something.
However, I did enjoy these one-shots when I left the unbelievable part behind me. I know from experience that the things that the siblings do to each other are quite realistic - Taeyeon telling Sunny that there are monsters in her closet, Sunny getting jealous of the attention Seohyun is getting, Taeyeon hating the idea that she is going to be a big sister but ending up liking her in the end. I didn’t think I was going to but I actually quite enjoyed these one-shots, especially Happy Birthday My Love, with Sunny making the cute sandwiches for their dinner, and The True Winner, where Sunny was trying to win that bike. They are really adorable one-shots.
Characterisation (15/20)
Jessica and Sooyoung are depicted as typical parents and I think you have been quite successful in making their characters quite realistic. They love their kids dearly, worry about them when they’re sick, get annoyed when the kids are doing something bad and they help them in their times of need which is what parents, as far as I know, actually do. There is something that bothers me though - the kids call Sooyoung Appa and Jessica refers to Sooyoung as her husband. As far as I know, if two women have a child then the kids call both of them ‘Mom’ and the women would refer to each other as their wife. Please correct me if I’m wrong but it’s weird how you have decided to do it differently.
Taeyeon is the typical older sister who I feel like I can relate to quite a lot being an older sister myself. She tries to get rid of Sunny when she annoys her and tells her there are monsters so she’ll go away but she truly loves her sisters and I remember doing things that are quite similar.
I think I like Sunny’s character the best. She’s adorable and sometimes I feel like I just want to hug her or something.
Seohyun, the maknae, is the spoiled one that everyone cares about. Even when they were trying to teach her a lesson, they still cared and worried about her. There was something unrealistic about Seohyun, however, in one of the oneshots. In Invisible Maknae, Seohyun was speaking as if she was a lot older than she actually was. Three year olds wouldn’t really be able to say things like that since their vocabulary is kind of restricted. She doesn’t really seem as if she is actually three years old.
Writing Style and Language (13/25)
I like your writing style. You are definitely capable of writing a good story. There are a few things that I don’t like about it which come to down to your English, which I will go on to discuss, but I do feel that with time, you will become a better writer.
As for your English, you do have a solid grasp on the language but there a few occasional errors. Spelling is fine - there are a few occasional spelling errors but it’s nothing too drastic where I would have to point it out to you. You would be able to spot them if you proofread your work.
As for your grammar, there are a number of errors. It’s nothing too drastic but I feel like I have to point them out to you.
1. “Jessica plopped her into the sofa, her eyes shut tight.” The order of the words doesn’t work/ flow well this way and she can plop her but into the sofa. You can’t plop your ’into your sofa’ but rather you would plop you onto the sofa. So it should be changed to, “Jessica plopped her onto the sofa, her eyes tightly shut.”
2. “That killer headache, I still have it.” Once again, it’s the order of the words. It doesn’t really make sense this way and it should be, “I still have that killer headache.”
3. “She never took any madication while pregnant cause she never felt safe about it.” First, you spelled ‘medication’ wrong. Second, ‘Cause’ shouldn’t be used as a substitute for ‘Because” since it’s not grammatically correct. ‘Cause’ can be used as a substitue in texts/ conversations but in writing it shouldn’t be used because ‘Cause’ is a verb which means to make something happen. The wording is also a bit strange, so it should be changed to, “She never took any medication while pregnant because she never felt it was safe.”
4. “Oh babe, it’s okay.” Sooyoung told her, she pressed her lips on the older’s forehead gently, she continued. “That makes you better?” This part is just weird. First, the sentencing her is a bit off. You shouldn’t just use commas to split the sentence - you should also use full-stops etc. It just reads weirdly when you just put commas there. Also, the wording here is quite strange and the sentence doesn’t flow properly. So it should be, “Oh babe, it’s okay.” Sooyoung told her. She pressed her lips on the elders forehead gently and continued. “Does that make you feel better?”
5. “Sunkyu, Taeyeon, I want you two to take a bath after breakfast, I don’t want to see any you stay in your pajamas all day.” This is the same as the last example where the sentence isn’t properly split. It should be, “Sunkyu, Taeyeon, I want you two to take a bath after breakfast. I don’t want to see both of you staying in your pyjamas all day.”
6. “Jessica continued to complaint.” - The word ‘complaint’ doesn’t work here. ‘Complaint’ is a noun meaning an expression of discontent, regret, pain etc. You should have used the verb form ‘complain’ which is the act of expressing discontent, regret, pain etc. So it should be, “Jessica continued to complain.”
You have made this error a few times where you have used the wrong form of the word i.e. using the noun rather than the verb.
There are also a number of cases where there are missing words in your sentences.
7. “The kids being so quiet.” when it should be, “The kids are being so quiet.”
If you are concerned about these grammar errors then I suggest that you get a beta-reader who would be able to find all of these errors for you.
Also, one more thing. Don’t colour code the dialogue. You don’t need it and it just makes my head heart trying to read through all of those different colours. Stay away from the colour coding.
Flow (8.5/10)
This story flows at a normal steady pace which is good. Sometimes, however, I do feel that it is kind of dragging on a bit and I get bored which is why I have taken off a few marks.
Total (58.5/100)
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