Unthriving Vow by macchiato-

Reviewed by OutspokenGirl612

The Title  (2/5)

My first comment for the title is regarding the word “unthriving”. I know the definition for “thriving”, but I searched for antonyms for this word, “unthriving” never came up. I searched for “unthriving” as well and it appeared to be a nonexistent word. Since it’s a title, there’s always the option to play with words and create new ones in order to make it suitable for the story; but I wanted to make the point anyway, just in case you didn’t know about it.

Description and Foreword(9/10)

First of all, the poster’s really pretty; though, I couldn’t quite see what the quote said because of the font, I had to figure it out by making connections with the story.

The sole sentence in the description works pretty well in catching the reader’s eye; it makes him /her wonder in what way she can be perfect but imperfect at the same time. A tricky one; perfect for sparking curiosity.

The foreword: It has a quote, but it’s missing the author of it. If you remember who wrote it or where you found it then add it there. If it’s of your own creation then add your own name there, but don’t leave it unaccredited. Other than that, I think it’s perfect. The excerpt from the story that you selected to use here is totally eye catching. It made me question many things, which is good. The word count did bother me somehow, is it there because of the contest? You should take it out after the contest ends, (same goes for the chapters).

Plot and Originality(30/30)

Amazing plot, really. The way you wrote and organized the ideas showed that you investigated for this story, as well as planned it beforehand. I hadn’t read a story involving someone suffering from autism fall in love, so this was very innovative for me. I really liked the way you wrote it and used seasons and years to place the story, it made it more pleasurable to read. Also, great job in the choice of vocabulary, the story is truly a masterpiece.

Characterization(20/20)

The characters of this story are totally believable. I’m not an expert in autism, but I’ve seen children in their crisis and mothers suffering with them; I’ve had the opportunity to speak to autistic children as well. That’s why Soo Jung’s character seems really realistic to me; it has all the qualities of an autistic person. I also must applaud you for writing from her perspective; it’s very different to see life from other eyes.

Sehun’s character is really great as well; his fears are normal fears that everyone experiences at a certain point in life, some in bigger magnitude like him. And the decision he made was that of a coward man, which gave realism to him as well.

Jongin, well, you could feel the pain and responsibilities from him. He gave off the same vibe and emotions as the ones I’ve seen in mothers of autistic children. I really liked his character.

Writing Style and Language(20/25)

I’ll write down here some of the common mistakes I found, along with an explanation on why they’re wrong and how to correct them:

1. In the foreword:  "Jung Soo Jung, listen."  she understood; she knew.- Here, the problem is the “she” after the quote; it would be correct not to capitalize it if the dialogue had a comma at the end, but since there is a period marking its end, it’s also the end of a sentence, so “she” needs to be capitalized in this case. Correction: "Jung Soo Jung, listen."  She understood; she knew.

2. Lifeless; from the outside he was seen lifeless.- I was confused with this sentence a bit because of the expression “he was seen”; does this mean that people see him lifeless but he actually is not? Or did you mean to say that he gave off that feeling of emptiness? If it was the second one, then I would substitute “he was seen” for “he seemed,” the use of a direct verb will help better the description, rather than an indirect one.

3. At the heat that climbed up to his fingers, Se Hun went back from his immersing thoughts.  – There’s a problem with the verb “went” that comes from the verb “go”; you can’t actually go back if you’re already here, you actually come back. This is the case here, so change “went” for “came.”

4. She felt her lungs at numb – Here, the problem’s with the “at” combined with the adjective “numb”. You can either convert the adjective to a verb or to a noun, so it works better. Correction: a) She felt her lungs go numb, b) She felt her lungs numb. c) She felt numbness at her lungs.

5. If he had woke up a bit earlier- Instead of using “woke”, use “woken”, because you’re using “if” which implies a supposition.

6. Uncle Jung happened to be Jong In’s father older brother- You have to add the same possessive “s” you used in Jong In to the word “father”. Correction: Uncle Jung happened to be Jong In’s father’s older brother. *If you feel it sounds weird then sound the sentence order to: Uncle Jung happened to be the older brother of Jong In’s father.

7. They’d come back to Seoul to stay in the house when they have time- Change the verb “have” to “had”.

8. He was used of seeing Soo Jung running out of control- You have to change “of” to “to”: He was used to seeing Soo Jung running out of control.* I’m sure there was another case with this in chapter two, but I couldn’t find it again, check just in case.

9. His wife was an obedient- You have to eliminate the “an” there, it doesn’t have a purpose.

10. She hasn’t go out of her room for the longest!- The verb “go” should be conjugated as “gone”. You also have to add a noun after “longest” because you’re not saying what is the “longest”; “time” would work there.

Flow(10/10)

It had a good flow. Like I mentioned in the Plot section before, the use of years and seasons to place the story made it flow well.  With their use you managed to avoid making the story boring. It totally hooked me up.

Total (91/100)

*Remember to proofread all your chapters again for mistakes similar to those I mentioned before. It was a pleasure to read such a great story, thanks for requesting me. Nat^^