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Fragile Heart by CupieCakesx3
Review by coolgirlaamy
The Title (2/5)
The title is short, simple and gets to the point. It is somewhat relevant to the story - I can tell your talking about Sohee’s ‘Fragile Heart’ - but it isn’t completely relevant because we don’t really know yet why Sohee’s heart is fragile. The title ‘Fragile Heart’ has actually been used before and it isn’t one of those titles that really stands out from the crowd which is why I have docked a few points.
Description and Foreword (7/10)
The description is only one line so I don’t know what to judge you on for that really. It vaguely relates to the title but not really. However, it did make me curious about what your story was going to be like. As for the Foreword, I think the foreword was actually quite interesting and it was quite good at summarising the story. I wanted to go and read the rest of the story.
However, I had to dock points off for the following reasons:
- The foreword should have gone in the description. The description should be the place where you summarise the story, not the Foreword. You can attract readers through the Foreword by using an excerpt from the story or writing a short prologue or something. Don’t put the description/summary in the Foreword.
- The one line that you put in the description, you put again at the end of the story summary in the foreword. What was really the point in that? It’s kind of useless if you have both of them there. What you should do is leave the one at the end of the summary because it is better there and get rid of the other one because there isn’t really a point in keeping it there.
Plot and Originality (12/30)
The plot in this story isn’t very original. I have seen numerous stories on this website which have the popular guy in school fall in love with the shy girl. It’s nothing very new. However, you have kind of made it your own considering the fact that something in Sohee’s past has made her the way that she is.
The plot to your story is easy to follow. I didn’t really become confused by anything so good job for that. Basically, your story is about Sohee, the lonely girl who captures the attention of the popular guy and he falls in love with her. She gets bullied because of him and tries to stay away from him while he tries to get closer to her. I don’t think the plot is very interesting or special. It doesn’t really stand out from the crowd and attracts my attention to make me want to keep reading which I don’t mean in an offensive way.
There are also a number of times where the things that happen are quite unrealistic and I’ll mention a few of those.
- How could Jung Kook fall in love with her so quickly when they had never even spoken to each other before? I mean, the boy only met her in Chapter One yet he is already thinking about her and in love with her by Chapter Two. That doesn’t happen in real life.
- Why would J-Hope ask her to dinner when they never even met before? I understand that he knows that Jung Kook likes her but you wouldn’t invite a stranger to dinner, would you? And why would seven boys be going out to dinner in the first place? That doesn’t really happen, does it?
- There is also something that you haven’t made clear. How old is everyone in this story? You haven’t made that very clear. I was kind of thinking that they were around the age of 16/17 and in high school but if they were that age then how could Sohee be living alone? Is it even legal for someone that young to be living by themselves?
Characterisation (9/20)
Sohee is the main character so I will probably say the most about her. She’s obviously shy, quiet, expressionless, doesn’t want to interact with the other people around her. For some reason, she doesn’t come across as being very real to me. Can someone really be expressionless all the time? I know that at some moments, she had smiled and became sad, but could she really have a blank face the rest of the time? There’s also another thing that bothers me. Why would people bully someone just because she has a blank face and she doesn’t talk to them? She hasn’t done anything to them and to bully her just seems quite cruel.
I do want to get to know Sohee more though and find out why she is the way that she is - which I’m hoping you will mention soon since you have mentioned her past a few times.
Jung Kook is like ‘Prince Charming’ basically. That is the way that you have basically put him across to me. He falls in love with her at first sight when she walks past him, then he protects her from her bullies afterwards and then he stalks her on the way home to see if she gets there safely. It’s so sweet and he’s the kind of guy that you would want to hug and never let go but the truth is, no guy on Earth is like that. I already mentioned the fact that it is unrealistic how he falls in love with her so suddenly, but I swear to god, no guy is like that (which is a shame because I want my Prince Charming too but they don’t exist).
There’s another thing that annoys me about him too. You’ve made him into this really popular guy who all the girls like, so why would the popular guy fall in love with the most hated girl in school? I’ll leave you to think about that.
Writing Style and Language (15/25)
I actually like your writing style. You have potential to be a good writer which I can tell through your writing style. I think that if you continue writing, it will improve with time. That happens to everyone. You’re okay for now.
There aren’t that many grammar/ spelling mistakes, just the occasional error that pops up from time to time for example, missing words etc. which you would be able to find if you proofread your story.
There are a few issues that I have with your dialogue which I will mention now.
Chapter 1
“ ‘ Y-yes?’
Sohee stutters as the girls come nearer and nearer.”
Why is there a space between the dialogue and the way she was speaking. You shouldn’t have a line between them. There should only be a single space between what she said and the way she said it:
“ ‘Y-yes?’ Sohee stutters as the girls come nearer and nearer.” Doesn’t it look better and tidier this way. You do this a numerous amount of times throughout the story.
Also, another thing about the dialogue, when people are shouting, you shouldn’t write the words they said in capital letters. An exclamation mark and the words “He shouted.” or “She shouted.” is enough. You don’t need to capitalize what they said. It just makes you look unprofessional.
The biggest issue I had in this section was with your tenses. In the first two chapters, you write in present tense and there are occasional switches to past tense and then in Chapter Three, you’re suddenly writing in past tense and then there are a few lines in the present tense. Just pick one tense.
Chapter Four
“Do any of you talk to Kang Sohee?” he asked. All the members look at him, confused.
Here you are writing in past tense. You also missed out a word. It should say ‘All of the members.’
“No, we don’t know who she is…” Jin speaks. Now you’re writing in the present tense. If you were still writing in the past tense then it would have been ‘Jin spoke.’
Then you say. “Jung Kook sighed.” You’ve returned to the past tense. Do you kind of see what I’m getting at here? I’ll show you another example.
Chapter 5
“Wae? Everytime you two talk, she walks away from you..” J-Hope says. Jung Kook smiles at everyone.
Here you are writing in present tense.
There is a grammatical error here as you have put here is the two full stops. If you were trying to do ellipses then it should have been three full stops, otherwise there should have been a comma - you’ve done this more than once. Basically, when dialogue is written you end with a comma before you put in the inverted commas, especially when you write something like - “bla bla bla,” He said. What I mean is, if you’re going to write something after it/following it then a comma is needed, or whatever else you’re using. If you’re not writing whatever they did, or you’re not writing something else after it then you have to use full stop (I’m just explaining this part just in case you get confused). For example, something like, “Come on, it’s not even that hard.” where you haven’t chosen to write how the character has said this or what they’re doing uses a full stop.
Back to the tenses:
A few lines later you write “Jung Kook smiled and got up. He walked away from his friends, leaving them all baffled.” This is in the past tense.
Please just be careful with your tenses. You switch between them quite often.
Flow (10/10)
This story flows at a normal steady pace which is good. It doesn’t go too fast nor is it too slow for me.
Total (55/100)
Thanks for requesting. I hope this doesn't come across as being too harsh. All of this needed to be said which is why this is probably the longest review I have ever wrote. This was also the first BTS fanfic that I have read.
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