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It's Simple Really by vonpika
Review by coolgirlaamy
The Title (3.5/5)
This title is short, simple, gets to the point and it’s relevant to the plot - especially because Zelo had actually said it in the one shot. However, I did feel like I needed to dock some points. Yes, it’s relevant but it’s not very interesting. I can’t help but feel that you could have come up with something much more interesting and eye-catching.
Description and Foreword (6/10)
I don’t really know how to put this but there isn’t really much of a description. The description is used to summarise the story (or the one-shot in this case) but your description seemed like more of a prologue which should have gone in the foreword which is why I have chosen to dock a few points. Yes, it does attract my attention, kind of gives an insight into the plot and it’s beautifully written, but it should have gone in the foreword. It doesn’t belong in the description.
As for the foreword, the most effective way of drawing readers in using the foreword is by using an excerpt from the story which is what you have done. However, and I don’t think I can stress this enough, the description should probably go in the foreword. I mean, there isn’t anything wrong with the way that you have chosen to write the foreword, but in my opinion, it would work better that way.
Plot and Originality(30/30)
This is definitely an original plot. I have never read anything like it before which is good because of the increasing amount of clichéd storylines that are continually being added onto this website. So good job!
As for the plot, it is only a one-shot so there isn’t much to say about. Basically, it’s about a girl who is skate boarding and tries to perform a new trick but when she’s about to land, she makes a mistake and she falls to the ground, only to have her boyfriend - I assume Zelo was her boyfriend - laugh at her. The one-shot was easy to follow and I didn’t become too confused by anything so yeah.
Oops, I almost forgot to mention that you managed to incorporate your prompt quite well into the story. The prompt talked about having twenty second of insane courage which Eunbi had as she tried the trick on her skateboard, so good job!
Characterization(19.5/20)
As a one-shot, there isn’t much to look at or really talk about in terms of your characterisation. Both characters seemed consistent and normal, I guess. There is one thing that was kind of bothering me though and it probably sounds quite stupid of me to ask but do girls really skateboard? I’m not trying to be ist or anything - wooh, girl power! - but I’ve never really heard of girls skateboarding before. Maybe, it’s just me.
Writing Style and Language (19.5/25)
In terms of your language, your spelling and grammar - Grammar I‘ll come back to later - was fine. I never found any particular errors or anything but I do suggest, speaking from my own experiences, that you proofread your work once your finished because I did find a few places where there was a missing comma or word. For example:
“Confusion was set in his eyes and he tilted his slightly to the side.” I assume he was supposed to have tilted his head slightly to the side.
Your writing style is completely fine. You describe well in terms of the actions of the characters and give a sufficient amount of description around the dialogue which is good because often when I’ve read stories where there isn’t much description and it’s mostly dialogue.
However, I do have a few words of advice to help you develop your writing style. Now, mostly in your story, you focus on one sense which is sight. No offence but I felt quite bored when I was reading some parts of this. I’m not trying to say you’re a bad writer - your writing is beautiful - butI feel like you could have made some parts a lot more exciting and interesting - especially the ones where she is going into the flip - if you chose to write about some of the other senses, for example, smell, touch, hearing, the way she’s feeling inside (this isn’t really a sense, perhaps it’s emotions). You write as if someone from the sidelines is watching this and telling us what happens - I know it’s in the third person - but we don’t really get to see what she feels. You know, she could be going into a flip and her heartbeat is increasing and she is struggling to hold onto each ragged breath - I just feel like this way builds more suspense. I hope you understand what I mean.
Now, there’s also a grammar error that I wanted to point out:
Original sentence:
“By the way, your nosegrind could use some work.” He stated simply over his shouder.
Fixed sentence:
“By the way, your nosegrind could use some work,” He stated simply over his shoulder.
First, you spelled shoulder wrong, which I didn’t even notice until my spell check picked it up but it’s no big deal.
The error you made here - which I think is really annoying and my best friend does it all the time - was the full stop within the inverted commas. Basically, when dialogue is written you end with a comma before you put in the inverted commas, especially when you write something like - “bla bla bla,” He said. What I mean is, if you’re going to write something after it/following it then a comma is needed, or whatever else you’re using.
However, there is an exception to this rule. If you’re not writing whatever they did, or you’re not writing something else after it then you have to use full stop (I’m just explaining this part just in case you get confused). For example, something like, “Come on, it’s not even that hard.” where you haven’t chosen to write how the character has said this or what they’re doing uses a full stop.
Flow(10/10)
The flow is fine. It didn’t take everything too slowly or move too fast so it moved at the perfect pace for a one-shot. I don’t think anything else really has to be said.
Total (88.5/100)
Congratulations! You will be on our featured list. You’re a good writer and I enjoyed reading this but I do hope you take into account what I said.
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