All I do is hide the wounds,

Where blood just won’t congeal

[Secret Loser—Ozzy Osbourne]

It has been weeks for Taeyeon locked herself on the room that she shared together with Sooyoung and Yoona, and made those two of course sleep over someone else room—like Tiffany who has a quite big room for herself with her pink obsession stuff.

She was just too late for everything. She is a coward that chose to lose her lover than fight for it. Everything seemed too late for her that all she can do is just crying while looking at some photos on her phone. Some memories of her with her lover and daughter captured beautifully and stayed safely there, just like want to remind—or mocked—her that she had the best person to be loved for her entire life.

She lost count of how many tissue boxes she just spent just for her crying-endlessly ritual like this—thank God she always have a lot of stocks of it in her cupboard.

2 days ago

SNSD recorded new songs for their upcoming album for this year, titled OH! All of them gathered together in the studio for record it. While the others chit chatting over random stuff and laughed over something silly that Yuri and Yoona made, but Taeyeon just sat there alone while sighed again and again.

Her heart still hurt, she lost herself. She seemed live alone and no other person lingered around her, make her careless and numb of the surrounding her.

“Tae, can you be more focus?” her vocal coach reminded her for the umpteenth time already, because since then Taeyeon can’t make herself focus on the song she sang and kept making some mistakes and out of tune. “What happen with her these days? She seems lost herself,” the vocal couch mumbled and not knowing that the president of SME was there standing behind her on the record room.

He knew already the rumor about Taeyeon condition. As the sensitive president of a big label artist agency, he doesn’t want to just sit behind the desk and get the report from his employer. He has to find out by himself about what happen to Taeyeon, and there he is, standing stiff with serious facial expression and hand cross on her chest. For him, Taeyeon and other artists under SME are like his children, and for them he is like a father.

“Tell Taeyeon and Sunny to meet me at my office,” he ordered the vocal coach who a bit startled when she knew that Lee Sooman was standing there for quite long time. She nodded and told Taeyeon and Sunny to get out from the recording room, using the microphone in front of her.

For Taeyeon, she was ready to get nag all the time by the president because of her behavior, even though she wanted to protest, but she can’t, she was too afraid of many things that could happen if that thing will happen.

He smiled to the two of them sweetly, no doubt, his fatherly figure really make everyone fall in love easily to him. “Have a seat, please,” he said and pointed to the couch.

“How was the recording?” he opened the conversation with a casual way, no pressure at all, but yet, Taeyeon seemed tremble because of it. Guilty started to build inside her.

“It goes pretty well. . . we need to record another 2 songs again actually, uncle,” Sunny exclaimed, she took a glance to Taeyeon who just hung low her head.

“Aahh, I’m not really good to open a conversation with pretty girls like you guys,” he chuckled clumsily. “Can we talk to the point? I’m surely that you guys already know why I called you here, right?” he fixed his glasses and made his seat become more comfortable by adjusted his leg.

Taeyeon looked at Sunny as like she said ‘I’m ready yet for this conversation’, and yet Sunny just widened her eyes like she said ‘Sooner or later you have to face it. Be strong! Himnae!’

“Sunny, mind tell me about what happen to Taeyeon? I heard about the rumors, but I still doubt about it, could you please tell me?” it’s the right decision that he made by asking Sunny over Taeyeon.

And there we go, from Sunny small yet plump lips, the story began. Sunny told her uncle about everything that happen to Taeyeon until made Taeyeon became this vulnerable. She told him about Kikwoo who threatened her if she didn’t do what he told Taeyeon to do, and about Taeyeon relationship with the girl name Bae Soorin.

“So, you already were dating?” he smiled or grinned maybe, widely. “Ah, you should tell me about that earlier, Taeyeon-ah.” But Taeyeon remain silent and fidgeting her fingers. “First of all, I never forbid any of you under SME agency to dating or having relationship in same gender, in fact I’m so happy about it if you have one, like Taeyeon here. Second, here what I’m saying Taeyeon. If you really love the girl Sunny had mentioned before, you should fight for it, defense her, if you have to against the rules just do it, as long as you believe your love for her as big as you love yourself.” Tears began streaming on Taeyeon’s cheeks. She was too dumb to let you go and now she has nothing but regret all of the things.

“You don’t have to worry about it anymore, I will make sure that. . . who is your manager’s name?”

“Kikwoo oppa,” Sunny answered.

“Ah, I will make sure that Kikwoo will resign from this company as soon as you two step out from my office. I’ll guarantee you that,” he patted Taeyeon’s shoulder, gave her bit strength by doing so.

“G-gamsahamn-nida kwang-kwangjangnim,” Taeyeon stuttered.

“So, you can go to her and explain every mess and reassured her that everything will be okay from now on.” Taeyeon shook her head.

“She already moved to USA couple weeks ago.” The president just made a letter big O by his mouth.

“If she really meant to you, remember this also. . . God always has His ways to meet you up in some other day in the future. . . just put your trust on Him and keep praying, okay?”

“D-dae,” Taeyeon nodded her head weakly and step out from the office. She felt less pressure after the talk with the president, but still she felt a bit better about it.

Soon after Sunny and Taeyeon left the office, Lee Sooman called Kikwoo to have private conversation to him about the problem he has caused in between him and Taeyeon and also the scandal that involved other group from other company.

“So, Kikwoo-ssi,” he smiled mockingly. “You fired!!” he said while pointed his forefinger to Kikwoo who just sat down about 10 seconds ago. (A/N: Have you ever see the Apprentice Asia, the way he fire somebody was as same as what Sooman ahjussi do now *smirk in victory*)

“Now, the exit door is there. Thank you,” he said and then began his work again and left Kikwoo dumbfounded without any further explanation. Well, he should’ve known why he fired but he pretended to be a thick face.

“But why, sir?” oh, please, someone give me Seohyun’s self improvement book please. I really want to slap his thick face with that book.

Sooman ahjussi lowered his glasses and looked at Kikwoo with underestimate eyes. “Who do you think you are, huh? You was just an employee here and yet you behave like you’re the owner of this company by telling Taeyeon what she should do and threatened her. . . oh, I’m not working with someone like that.” He said in monotonous tone while crossed his arms.

“Listen here Kikwoo-ssi, as soon as you step out from this office, I will make sure that you will never ever work in any other agencies in Seoul! Don’t call me Lee Sooman if I can’t do that! Now go, before I called the securities!”

Trembled Kikwoo just stepped out with so much fear in his mind. He is fired and will never accept in any other agencies in Seoul. Now, his life is and miserable.

“Unnie,” Yoona voice beamed, followed by the knocking sound on the door. “I have to take my bag unnie,” Yoona said. Taeyeon got up from the bed and unlocked the door.

Yoona on the other hand, seemed surprise at the kid leader odd behavior. She never let her or Sooyoung get inside the room before after she knew that you already left. But now, look at her, she unlocked the door, even though she didn’t open it, it’s better than she not response to it at all.

Yoona opened the door, slowly while took a peek. She looked at the miserable Taeyeon sat on the edge of the bed while looked out the window, blankly.

“Unnie,” she approached her and sat beside her.

“Yoona-ah,” she looked at Yoona with sad face of her, no doubt, her face telling that she is in the most vulnerable state. “I’m too late, aren’t I? I lost her now, Yoona-ah,” a lone tear escaped from the corner of her eye.

Yoona reached her, hugged her petite body, and secured her long and slender arms around Taeyeon’s body. Taeyeon can’t cry anymore, she felt like numb and didn’t know how to express what she had inside her heart now. She just let Yoona hugged her tightly; make the younger a bit feel what she feels right now, although it seemed impossible.

Yoona is the one who is not good with comforting words. She can’t string up some words to make the latter feel better, but one thing she can do. She can give the best hug and warmest hug ever among other members of SNSD. The hug that according to Yuri—her twin choding—can make anyone who gets that feel safe and relieved at the same time. So, that what’s Yoona gave to Taeyeon now.

Yoona patted the latter’s back gently, after all, Taeyeon is as same as the other members, she just like sister for her. Yoona will do anything to make Taeyeon feels better, like hugging her until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, and so forth.

“Unnie, gwaenchana?” Yoona knew it, that question is kind of rhetorical question, she didn’t need answer, she already knew what the answer is.

“I’ll. . . be fine,” Taeyeon said weakly and tightened the hug.

“Unnie, want to see something funny?” Yoona said and broke the hug. She pulled out her phone from her jeans pocket. She browsed over some folder to find the specific thing that she wanted to show off to Taeyeon.

“Ta-daaaa,” she showed the picture of Yuri being bullied by them. They tied up her hair randomly, put some lipstick on both of her cheeks in round shape, and put some messy mascara on her eyes, bone-like-shape on her nose painted with liquid mascara that Jessica had bought from the mall few months ago. And oh don’t forget Yuri’s y lips, they make it become more bigger than ever before—thanks to the clothespin—and they put some, no, a lot of red-light lipstick on that lips.

Taeyeon chuckled and smiled, “Is that Yul?”

Yoona nodded. “She lost the bet of the baseball match with us, unnie,” there is a hint of happiness inside Yoona’s heart when she can see the latter smile, although it’s just a weak one, but at least she can smile again.

“Pabo, Yul!” she cursed and smiled again to Yoona. “Yoona-ah, gomawo,” she held tightly Yoona’s hand.

“You can thank me if you can smile and can be dorky as you always do again,” Yoona puffed her cheeks. “And that’s my final deal,” she extended her hand.

“Deal,” she shook Yoona’s hand.

₪

Taeyeon POV

I feel a bit better after days like years I spent just lock myself inside my room, made my members worried to me. It still pain, here in my heart, I had  a hard time to breathe with this pain, but I have to endure it, I won’t make them worried to me for any longer. And besides, I’m their leader, I have to be stronger in front of them even though I don’t know whether I can do it or not, but I have to try it, right?

“Oh, Taeyeon-ah, good morning,” Tiffany greeted me with her eye-smile beauty.

“Good morning, Ppany-ah,” I smiled to her, and then she looked at me like I’m an alien or something related to it. “Are you okay?” I asked her.

“I. . . I should be the one who ask you that. Are you okay?”

“Never been this better,” I exhaled deeply. , please Mr. Pain, go away! “Have you breakfast?” she shook her head slowly and still with that weird expression of her. “Assa. . . I’ll make the best breakfast meal I ever make to you guys today,” I cheered up in front of her, in fact I was trying as hell covering the pain.

“Good morning, unnies,” Seobaby greeted us with her fresh smell; I bet she has took a bath right after she woke up this morning, what a good girl she is.

“Morning,” me and Tiffany said in unison.

“Need any assistance, unnie?” she offered me some help, of course I will accept it.

“Dae. Could you please crack 4 eggs for me, please?” I said without looking at her because my attention is now on the pancakes that I make now.

Is Soo and Luna have they breakfast? How are they now? What are they doing? I wish I know any clue of them about where they live in USA or any phone number of Soo, but I have no idea at all about it.

“Unnie!” Seobaby voice shocked me. “You want to burn your hand????” she grabbed my hand and put it away from the pan. “What are you thinking, unnie?” she said concernedly.

“A-aniyo. . . mian,” I said as I lowered my head. Huh, I shouldn’t careless right now. Taeyeon, put yourself together, don’t let them worry anymore. Taeyeon fighting!!!

“Girls” manager unnie pooped out from the kitchen door. “After breakfast, go get ready, we have so many schedules today,”

“Dae,” we said in unison. Then Seobaby decided to waking up the other members but prevent to waking up the ice princess, after all this years she still afraid to wake up Jessica.

“Ah. . . Taeyeon-ah, you will sing for a drama song,” manager unnie said and sat across Tiffany.

“Drama Ost.?” I asked and she nodded. Maybe I must have a lot of schedules from now on, so that I can divert my mind from thinking and zoning out over Soo. And I can distract the pain.

“Unnie, do I have schedules today?”

“Yes, you have radio dj, variety show together with Yoona, Sooyoung and Tiffany, and then recording a new ost song. . .”

Manager unnie voice slowly disappeared in my ears. This is the beginning of my life without you, Soo. I just like a gambler that put my life as the bet. Know nothing whether I win this bet or not, but still, I try it. I hope the pain will not following me, I hope one day, one unpredictable day, and I can see you again with Luna. I hope, you can forgive this fool for threw you like a scumbag. I hope there is still have a chance for me, not now maybe, but one day.

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Here the updates guys. . .

Now kill me if you want. . . i already watched Rum pum pum pum. . .

Muahahahahahaha. . .are you sure want to kill me???

#smirk