HEY!! If you read my notice you may have read that I was in the progress for a one shot. Well, turns out that that 'one' shot turned into 9 pages. So I shall divide it so it won't be so long and tiring to read.

I hope you enjoy it! (: Thanks for sticking with me through my lack of one shots. :D

luv ya! :D

Here we all are, our beautiful family. But I remember the struggles we had to pass by to get where we are today. I was young and fearful, filled with ignorance. I still had a lot to learn, and I also had to learn to trust you more. I remember well when it all began…

We were standing in the display window of a store, you had taken the free day you had every once in a while to go out with me. You were with the usual getup trying to hide the fact that you were an idol hiding your true identity. I can say that being married and all I got used to not seeing your beautiful face when we went out. But as long as it was only you who accompanied me, and we could spend some moments outside our house alone without any bother, I could care less.

"Youngjae...?"

You hummed in response, small smoke coming out of your nostril due to the chilly weather. You pulled me closer and continued walking.

"What do you think about kids?" –I asked out of the blue. Though I wasn’t at all sure, I had my suspicions and reason to ask you.

You looked down on me; perhaps you noticed my coldness because you pulled the scarf to cover my nose as you answered.

"Well kids are nice... I like kids. I think they are pretty moldable and intelligent. They get things fast."

I chuckled, of course I expected you to go to the academic point of view. But there was something else I had in mind.

"Though I agree with you... There is actually something else I want to know."

You stopped and faced me confusion written all over your face. 

"What is it then?"

I my almost chapped lips and looked up to you.

"What would you think of having your own?"

Even I noticed that your heart skipped a beat because of the question. But I wasn't planning on backing up on it. I needed your answer.

"We-well... I do love kids." –That's good. –“I would someday..." –You said someday.,, –“Want to have my own. But I still think it's too early for that..." –You said it's too early... –“I can't" –I can't... –“Afford to give you all the time you would need from me. Understand?"

You cupped my face from the sides and I nodded trying my best to contain my tears. But you continued. "I want that when the time comes... I want to be able to give you everything you need. Not just money... But the time and love you would require. I don't want us to rush. But just when we're both ready I'll happily let you know. Alright?"

You looked to the sides and moved the scarf that covered your mouth a little and kissed the tip of my again uncovered nose. Despite the pain I felt inside you made me smile. As if you were looking for affirmation on my side you lifted my face again to meet your eyes. "Alright?"

I nodded this time a little bit more so you could feel at ease.

"It's getting much colder. We should head home." –I said smiling as I put my arm under your jacket to warm my hand. You wrapped your arms around me and we headed home.
 

--

I starred at the test results confirming my suspicions. What should I do now? I kept thinking on how this happened. I was aware that being married this could happen anytime. But we took all the precautions possible to avoid it. But what do you know, not every remedies or options work the same for different people.

At that moment I couldn’t think straight. All I felt was reality falling on me like a cold bucket of water. I grasped the paper more making it wrinkly as a tear furiously fell. 

I knew I wanted my child and I completely understood your reasons. But if you weren't feeling ready for a baby, then what tells me that I am?

I knew that this is something big and I should let you know… But what would you say?

--

I remember well that day. I was planning out that afternoon for a while now. And it made me happy and nervous that you told me they'd let you go earlier from practice. I was decided to let you know the news.

I prepared the dinner table just the way you liked it. I made your favorite dishes and placed a couple of scented candles in the middle. You were always a er for such things. I smiled as I put the finishing touches. I looked at the clock and it was 4 o'clock. Perfect.

I covered the dishes waiting for your arrival. I sat in the sofa resting back as I massaged gently my still flat tummy. I checked my phone again and it was already 4:30. I wondered if I should call you. But I knew how hectic things in the company were so I gave you a chance. I sat on the dinner table thinking that I should put things back in the stove to warm them again, but instead I gave you a chance to arrive. I had already called you but it only went to the voice mail. 

I stopped calling because I didn't want it to seem that I was desperate so I could surprise you. So I waited. I lied on my arms over the table. I don't know if it was because of the hormones or the obvious fact that you weren’t going to come anytime soon. But when the clock 6 a tear fell, and then another and another. I stood straight when my phone vibrated in my hand. I dried my tears before looking at the phone and took a deep breath when I saw your name in the screen. I cleared my throat or else my voice would've sounded weird and it would worry you.

"Yoboseyo?" –I answered. 

"_____-ah... Listen I know I said that today I'd arrive a little earlier but we needed to record a little bit more and I still have to stay longer, we’re not done yet. I just now got the chance to call you. I'm sorry..."

I gripped the corner of the table mat as I blinked furiously trying to contain my tears. But I managed to attempt that my voice didn't break.

"Is okay Jae. I know how things are."

"I know you were expecting me and all..."

I cut you off as I took a glance at the table with all the dishes. "No, no not at all. I understand how busy you are. Don't worry about me. Do what you have to do. It's alright with me."

You went silent for a moment. I think you knew something wasn't alright. I rested my forehead in my hand and held the deep sigh that wanted to leave my lungs.

"Are you sure?" –You asked me. 

"Yes babe. I'm fine." –I tried to sound as normal as I could.

Again you went silent for a couple seconds.

"I'll try to get home as soon as I can."

You simply answered. I couldn't read your tone. But I’m sure your sudden silence meant you could tell something was bothering me. After all, you knew me better than anyone else...

"Take your time. Goodbye." –After I heard your goodbye back I hung up my phone.

This is what you meant, right? Your time was compromised with everyone else, your job, your group mates, your fans. I am not the only person in your life, and if you barely have time for all those things, then how will you have time for another one? I guess I understood what you meant that you would someday would want your own baby, I guess that someday is still not today or anytime soon. You had so much ahead of you, I began to feel afraid that I could become a burden.

I stood up and I blew the candles. Who would've thought that not even the sweet smell of citrus could make me stop feeling the bitterness?
 

--

After long hours of cleaning almost the whole house as a tried to clear up my mind. I took a shower and got ready for bed. I took a look at the test results that I put on your bedside table for you to look after the dinner I had planned, and grabbed them. I walked to my side and folded them. I may be ready to take care of him, but I’m afraid that you can’t.

I put them in my drawer and attempted to close my eyes. It was already too late but I couldn't fall asleep. I heard the door open and I covered myself more with the bed sheets and closed my eyes pretending to be asleep. You made some noise probably from taking off your shoes and putting your backpack away and I even heard you open the refrigerator. I tightened my eyes even more hoping you wouldn't notice the food I put in the containers. A little after, I heard our door open again and then the bed move and the covers move as well. Your hand made its way to my waist and I felt your breath near my neck.

"Babe?" -Your voice sounded so exhausted it broke my heart. 

I kept my eyes closed pretending to be asleep.

"Come on... You're not that of a heavy sleeper. I know you're awake."

Then you kissed the crook of my neck. It was so ticklish I moved trying to move you but I kept my eyes closed. I heard you chuckle softly and just when I least expected you gave me small pecks repeatedly in my neck. And I had to open my eyes. I yawned, though I couldn't sleep but I was tired.

"Stop it..." -I said putting my best sleepy voice.

I turned around and I observed your face. Your beautiful eyes were puffier than usual, you had a faint smile and I could tell your eyes were battling to stay open. This was even more painful for me. Knowing how hard you were working already.

"Babe? You made dinner for me today... Did you?"

I hummed in response and nodded.

"I'm sorry I didn't make it... I should've called you earlier." –You apologized.

I cupped your cheek and rubbed it with my thumb.
 

"It's alright. I told you it was fine already. Don't worry."

I tried to give you my most reassuring smile. But instead you frowned a little more. You traced with your index finger under my eyes.

"Where you crying? Your eyes are so red right now."

"No baby... It's really late and I'm tired." –I yawned again.

You looked at me in disbelief. "I'm sorry... I-"

I cut you off and shook my head. "Don't be sorry Jae. This is your job and your life. I can't ask for more from you. You already give me more than enough, and I’m thankful for that."

You looked at me for seconds just looking into my eyes. "You are a strong woman... I hope I get to give you all you need and deserve one day."

You have no idea how much your words stung, but what hurt even more was when you leaned and pecked me softly and passionately in my lips. I tried so much to hold back my tears. Truth is, you can't give me more than you are now Youngjae. It may be enough for me, but not for our baby. You would want to, but you can't. 

I pulled you a little by pressing my hand against your chest and looked down.

"Aren't you going to change?" -It was my attempt to change the topic.

You shook your head and stretched making yourself more comfortable in your side.

"Nah! I showered in the company. I'm too tired to change. I-" -You yawned interrupting your sentence.

I rested the weight of my body in my elbow and observed you closing your eyes as you tried to speak.

"I'll change tomorrow morning."

Your sentence sounded more like a mumbling in the end. I realized even more that you were trying to stay awake just so you could apologize to me. Any other person would've just went to sleep and waited for the next morning. But you sacrificed part of the little sleep you get, as you always do. I can't ask anymore of you, not anymore… I don’t want to be selfish.

)):

Part 1 done. Stick around for part 2 everybody.

Thanks again for the support :D