Chapter 17: For you, I’m just pitiful.

My legs were shaking in a constant rhythm while my mind was popping random thoughts. For the first time I wanted the teacher to arrive early to class, my thoughts were making me go crazy.

“Boo!” I jumped surprised by the feeling of someone poking my shoulder. It was Changbum, who laughed at my reaction. “It’s me, your best friend”. He smiled goofily.

“You scared me! I thought you weren’t coming to school” I placed my hand on my chest pretending to be really scared.

“You’re so dramatic” he poked my nose and chuckled. He sat next to me putting his bag casually on the floor. “How have you been? Now you became a very busy woman” he smirked.

“Fine, I guess. Filming a drama and promoting a song at the same time it’s tiresome” I puffed my cheeks.

“Yeah, I suppose that. But at least you’re with your boyfriend the 24/7. Talking about him, where is he?” he said looking around the classroom trying to find Youngmin.

“He must be on a plane to Japan now. Boyfriend is very famous there and they have to go frequently to do some promotions and activities” I replied not wanting to talk about Youngmin.

Why? I’ll tell you why. I have been thinking about that kiss that Youngmin gave me, but it’s not just the kiss, it’s the fact that I didn’t feel the same when Taemin kissed me. I mean, why didn’t Taemin make me feel in that way? Or even better? NO! The jerk had to be the best kisser in this stupid planet.

The worst or best about it (it depends from where you wanna see it), it’s that Youngmin is still the same jerk of always. He insults me, laughs at me, makes fun of me, and makes me feel bad. What has changed? Me. That’s what changed. The way I feel when he’s around, it’s totally different. I feel so nervous and sometimes I’m not able to look at him to the eyes, my hands sweat, my heart pounds and I FREAKING HATE THAT.

I hate his smile, his big brown eyes, his stupid smirk, his laugh, the way he speaks, how he ruffles my hair when he tries to help me with Taemin, when he stuffs me with delicious food because he wants me to be a happy piggy, when he compliments me for wearing my mushroom hat. I hate all those things because they make me feel special, he makes me feel different, and that’s bad.

“Sumi. Are you here?” Changbum waved his hands in front of me getting me out of my trance.

“What happened?” I asked distracted.

“I was asking you how to improve my rap skills” Changbum pouted cutely.

“Well, have you tried practicing with a pencil in your mouth?” I scratched my head.

“Mmm… yeah, but it’s still too difficult. I thought you had some technique or something”

“No, I don’t. Just practice and your rap will be better” I said a little annoyed.

“I’m sorry if I annoyed you with my stupid questions” he widened his eyes at my reaction.

“No, I’m sorry Changbum. It’s just that so many things had been going on recently that I feel I can’t handle with everything” I sighed.

“Relax! I know it must be stressful, but you should take a break from everything, at least for a moment. You can’t keep pretending to be okay when you’re not. I understand your feelings more than anyone else. I have to be rehearsing and exercising for 12 hours and to that we have to add the school and some variety programs we film. But I’m here! And I should be positive. I’m living my dream. I wanted this and I shouldn’t be complaining about it” Changbum beamed one of his warmest smiles.

“Yeah, you’re right. I only think about myself when you’re also having problems and feeling the same” I looked down feeling guilty.

“It’s okay Sumi. We all have our moments” he chuckled and ruffled my hair.

I fixed my hair thinking about Youngmin. In that moment, I felt worried wondering if he had arrived to Japan safely or if he has eaten or slept properly. Again, I hate myself so much for worrying about that jerky.

Classes passed quickly and I even stayed a little more helping Changbum with his rapping. He left first and I stayed in the practice room till late at school.

I heard a noise at the hallway and peeked my head out a little afraid. My eyes widened in surprise when I saw Youngmin looking for something on his locker.

“Youngmin! What are you doing here?” I whispered behind him.

“Yah! You scared me piggy! What are you doing here?” he jumped.

“I was practicing my dance. Aren’t you supposed to be in Japan?” I tilted my head puzzled.

“I just came back. Something happened…” it was very dark but I could swear he looked sad.

“Is there anything wrong?” I asked worried. Ugh… Sumi you shouldn’t show that you’re worried about this stupid guy.

“Nothing. Well, it’s something personal…” he muttered.

“Is it about Kwangmin or your mom? Or maybe about Ji Eun? To Youngmin, apparently those were the only important persons in his life. “I can help you. I know our relationship isn’t the best but the difference between you and me is that I’m human and can understand when someone is going through a difficult moment”

“Ji Eun is in the hospital. She fainted because she hasn’t eaten very well. It looks like she has an eating disorder” I can tell he was holding back his tears.

Youngmin is always worried about Ji Eun. He’s always calling her and sometimes I have caught him looking at her picture sighing.

“I can accompany you to the hospital if you want”

Why did you say something like that Kim Sumi? You have to take care of your words and think before speaking.

“It’s not necessary” he shook his head. See? It’s not necessary.

“I insist” Dignity? Pride? It’s all gone now.

“Ok. But it’s very late. Shouldn’t you be home by now?” he raised his brow.

“I can call my manager” I smiled. Someone kill me now. I’m being too obvious.

We walked in silence out of the school. Youngmin’s steps could be heard, but his walking was different today. His hands were on his pockets and he was looking down to the floor.

I got in Youngmin’s car sitting on the passenger’s seat next to him. My sight was focused on the city lights. I didn’t want to look at Youngmin because I knew I would probably stare at him for hours and that would make him feel uncomfortable.

He finally stopped at the hospital’s parking. He rushed to the hospital’s reception and asked for Ji Eun’s room. We both took the elevator and Youngmin walked on the hallways of the 3^rd floor looking for her room while I was following him from behind. I looked like his dog and I hate myself for looking so pathetic.

Youngmin opened the door of the room 245 without knocking, which it’s not weird on him and his rude personality.

“How are you? I told you to eat well. Why don’t you listen to me?” Youngmin said in a loud voice but his words sounded more worried than in a scolding way.  I closed the door after coming in the room.

“I’m fine Youngmin” she rolled her eyes. Then, she noticed my presence. “Who are you? Are you Taylor? The famous and real Youngmin’s girlfriend?” she twisted . Her voice was cold.

“Ji Eun…”

“I’m asking her, not you” she replied in a cold manner. I breathed deeply a little annoyed by her. I didn’t like her attitude.

“Yes, I’m Youngmin’s girlfriend. Is there any problem?” I smirked.

“I think you didn’t understand my question. Are you two really dating?” she crossed her arms.

Why should I answer? We’re just dating because of that contract, but the same contract forbids us to tell someone about it. No one knows the truth, except from our managers and us and she shouldn’t be the exception, right?

“Ji Eun…” Youngmin spoke again.

“I didn’t ask you Youngminnie. I asked her”

“Yes, we two are really dating. We love each other. Even though there are a lot of rumors about us arguing all the time, they are all fakes”

“Really? Youngmin Oppa told me that he was dating you only because of a contract you both signed. That it was all acting”. She smirked.

“Well…” I was there frozen. “I didn’t know that Youngmin have told you about it. It’s supposed that we’re not allowed to tell anyone” I glared at him.

“I’m sorry. I had to tell her” He shrugged.

“It’s alright. I guess we don’t have to pretend to be together in front of her” I laughed nervously.

“Exactly” she smiled… in an annoying way. I hate this girl. Don’t take me wrong. It’s not jealousy. It’s just that she’s bad. “Do you mind if you can leave us alone for a second?” she asked me.

“No. I’ll be waiting outside”

Great. I came here for nothing. I rested my body on the door and could hear their conversation:

“That girl is in love with you”

“Sumi? C’mon, she’s just being dumb and trying to be nice as always”

“I don’t think so. When I asked her if she was your real girlfriend she said yes. I wanted to prove she was really in love with you. She wanted me to believe you two are really dating because she doesn’t want me to be around or to steal her boy away from her. If she wouldn’t mind, she would have said the truth immediately”

What does she think she’s doing? She’s getting wrong ideas into Youngmin’s brain. Argghh… I seriously don’t like this girl.

I sat on the floor next to the door and hid my head on my knees. I felt so miserable because I didn’t like the way that stupid girl practically exposed my feelings. I’m not even happy about my feelings; sometimes I want them to disappear. They are just hurting me so badly.

I could hear some part of their conversation about her boyfriend and how she was depressed about not passing for an audition for ballet dancers. I fell asleep because I was very tired.

I felt someone poked my shoulder. I rubbed my eyes and looked up to find Youngmin’s disapproval face.

“It’s not weird for me to find you sleeping on the floor anymore” he twisted his mouth.

“Well, I’m tired, you know?” I stood up from the floor.

“I told you not to come” he rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t you call your manager and told him to pick you up?” he raised a brow.

“I didn’t want you to be alone” I shrugged. That’s too nice coming from you Kim Sumi. You’re being too obvious again.

“Why did you say we were together for real?” his face suddenly turned serious.

“Because we’re not allowed to tell anyone the truth. It’s on the contract. Remember?”

“Well, yeah but I don’t think she can tell someone else or something like that”

“Youngmin, we should protect this secret. And the only way to make sure it’s protected it’s not telling anyone. I haven’t told anybody about this. Not even my best friends. You should be careful and do the same”

“Why are you so defensive? It looks like you want the others to believe we are really a couple. Like if you were jealous”

“What? Where did you get all those conclusions? I don’t even…”

“It’s better if it isn’t like that. I don’t want you to get wrong ideas from me. If I were nice sometime, it was because I pitied you. Our relationship it’s just for working. And the only feeling I can have towards you is pity. So if you’re starting to feel something else stop it now, because you’ll only hurt yourself”

I tried to calm my heart from what he just said. I held back my tears. I couldn’t cry. If I did, my feelings were going to be exposed. In that moment, I just wanted to be invisible. I thought Youngmin could be cruel sometimes, but this was too much, even to him.

“You know what Youngmin? I had always thought that no one in this world could be heartless. I thought that no matter how cold the people could seem, everyone had a heart. But I was wrong. You definitely don’t have a heart. You are made of rock. I wasn’t expecting from you something more than a friendship. I thought you were my friend, but now you’re telling me you just feel pity towards me when I came here to accompany you in a difficult moment. You are the one who is pitiful, because you will never be able to have real friends. You only care about yourself; you are so selfish and egocentric. And I’m the one who pities you because you’ll never be able to be happy if you continue being on this way”

I ran away as fast as I could. I didn’t want him to see that I was hurt. I stopped at the parking and collapsed on the floor crying.

I was nice with him, I was patient and I always tried to understand his feelings. I can’t even believe I worried about him… when the only thing he looks in me is someone pitiful…

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