✎ Issue 34: Finally
Scandalicious
✎ Seo Hayeon ✎
I look up at the wide screen, playing the music video teaser for the upcoming Japanese single of SHINee, Dazzling Girl. The song will be released next week in Japan and the promotion keeps spreading like crazy.
Looks like no matter where they are, SHINee is just too popular. A part of me is proud though.
Tucking my hands inside of the pockets, I continue to walk, heading back to the apartment where I have been staying for the past two months in Tokyo. The moon has appeared and I'm not feeling to go anywhere tonight.
At least not tonight.
Five months. It's already five months since I made a decision that I never want to regret, the one which affected my personal and professional life.
One day before the limited edition of SHINee's biography book was released, I sent a very special, limited edition to Onew with Taemin's help. There is only one book like that.
In there, I wrote down my personal thought for 'thanks to' section and what I wanted to say to Onew in the introduction chapter, the words I couldn't say but I know he should know about it.
Perhaps people would say that I'm a cruel, cold person who could only hurt Onew's feeling. Some could say that I don't deserve Taemin since I am such a selfish girl.
What goes around will come around.
That night I also used my account as exLibris for the very last time and posted a public apology to all Masquerade readers, revealing that it's the last article I would ever write.
exLibris would disappear.
I received phone calls from Masquerade, including from Cho Sunbae, but I didn't change my decision. Perhaps I was just being stubborn but I was not going to keep going on with the scandal.
It became quite a big issue for the next few weeks. There were some who asked me to return and write again but some haters also relieved that I had retired so their idols would not be my targets anymore.
Quite controversial, I guess, but that's that.
I tried to apply as a journalist again but none accepted me. I knew it's the dirty work from Masquerade; if they couldn't have me then no one could.
Masquerade is one of the biggest company so it's not difficult for them to throw me in the blacklist. It's so frustrating that Taemin became really worried about me.
✂ ✂ ✂
"Ah," I stared at the person who just knocked my door with weak gaze. My head was aching that I could barely give him a cheerful smile as usual. "It's late already..."
Taemin stepped in and closed the door for me. He cupped my cheeks and stared into my eyes deeply, "Gwaenchanayo, Jagiya? Have you eaten dinner? You should-"
"Gwaenchana," I answered, half lying though. I forced a smile and escorted him to the sofa. "I will prepare ramen now so, yes, it's my dinner time now."
Before I could leave to the kitchen, Taemin grabbed my wrist and spun me, holding me gentle but strong, "Hayeon... Don't."
I frowned, thinking about what he was trying to say. Taemin had been really supportive, regardless of what happened between us. He even helped me to give the special book to Onew.
At first I thought he would be mad when I asked the request but he didn't. In fact he told us that it's very nice of me to be honest with my own feeling and Onew.
He was glad I didn't hide anything from him. After I told him how Onew became my first love, Taemin said maybe it's fate that brought us together, because Onew had been the start of my love string with Taemin.
However it's true that I didn't keep in touch with him frequently after the book release. SHINee was very busy and I was too busy with myself, trying to be alright when I was not.
Taemin always apologized that he couldn't make it to my place from time to time. Their schedule was really packed up and I knew it's not his fault anyway.
"Geokjjeongma," he stepped closer to me and hugged me, burying his face on my hair. "Naega itjjana."
I clutched his shirt, feeling that I couldn't do anything but let the warmth of him engulfed me, thanking God for letting me to have his love this much.
I didn't know how long we stood there in silence but I broke the silence, telling him the idea I already had in mind for days.
"Taemin ah...," I pushed him slightly so we could look at each other. "I will move to Japan."
✂ ✂ ✂
It's not a stupid decision. Masquerade doesn't have any power here in Tokyo so I could try my luck as journalist. It's not easy, not even for the slightest.
I was accepted in a small company which focused in Korean news. I was allowed to write in Korean until I could blend in with Japanese articles and I slowly tried to get myself fluent with Japanese.
If there is anything that trouble me due to my stay here, it's the fact that I couldn't meet with Taemin as frequest as I could do before.
It would be a lie if I say I don't miss him. I really miss him as much as I miss my family. However they support me and they said if it's the best then I should go for it.
Today is my eleventh month anniversary with Taemin and he promised to do a video conference with me since he couldn't be with me.
Five minutes before the time, I turn on my laptop, waiting for him to be online. When I see his name, I quickly ask for a video conference request which he accepts right away.
As if it's a birthday surprise, it's not Taemin who is sitting on the web camera, smiling at me brightly and greets me calmly, "Hayeon-ssi."
"Onew-ssi?" I gasp, not even bothering to pretend cool. I blink in confusion, "M-Mwoya?"
He chuckles at my reaction and says, "Have five minutes with me first. It's been a while since the last time we talked, isn't it?"
I nod randomly, admitting that his words are true. When did the last time I talk properly with him?
"It's late but...," he rubs the back of his neck nervously, "...saengil chukkaeyo, Hayeon-ssi. I didn't manage to meet you but you did receive a birthday present from SHINee, right?"
The conversation goes on and on. It's like there are so many things we haven't catched up with and I feel glad that we're not awkward towards each other; we finally talk like what we used to do.
"Your book," Onew suddenly changes the topic and smiles. "It's a really deep rejection you know."
A slight hint of guilt hits me but it vanishes when Onew speaks, "But I got it. Last love is what matters the most, right?"
Since I can't think of anything to say, I glance secretly at the time on laptop, figuring that twenty minutes have passed since I started talking with Onew.
I hear the knocks on door from his side. He turns slightly but quickly returns his gaze on me again.
"It must be Taemin but, Hayeon-ssi, there is still something I want to say," Onew gets my attention, showing me a genuine smile. "What if... What if I say I still love you?"
My brain freezes for seconds upon his question.
Why did he suddenly ask this?
Thankfully there is also someone who knocks on my door at the very same time. I clear my throat and excuse myself in hurry, "I-I need to open the door first."
Now I'm saved from answering the question but what will I say later?
Onew can't be serious, can he?
__________
Glossary #34
- Geokjjeongma (걱정마) : don't worry.
- Naega itjjana (내가있잖아) : I'm with you.
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