✎ Issue 23: Hurt
Scandalicious
✎ Lee Taemin ✎
Day by day passed since the night I witnessed the unbelievable event of Onew's kiss with Hayeon. I immediately looked away, having my heart broken into pieces.
I felt betrayed. I knew Onew didn't have any idea that I was Hayeon's boyfriend but Hayeon knew perfectly that Onew and I were like a family. We're like brothers whom not related by blood.
Anger took my mind for a moment but the next emotion that engulfed my heart was disappointment. I was disappointed with myself who could not make Hayeon happier.
I meant if she was happy, she would not do that, wouldn't she? Was it because I was too busy? Was it because I couldn't be a normal boyfriend for her? Was it because Onew was better than me?
Fake smile decorated my face everyday. Sometimes Onew asked me if I was alright and so did the others. I just told them I was nervous for our comeback but it's all lies.
It felt so wrong. Everything was wrong. Doubt filled my heart as I kept thinking that maybe I shouldn't hide my relationship with Hayeon from my groupmates since the beginning.
"Hyung," I glanced at Onew when he was just done from showering. Jonghyun was in the bathroom while Key and Minho were out for a while. A perfect time for me to have a quick talk with Onew. "What do you think about Hayeon Noona?"
I was curious. I felt guilty for avoiding Hayeon for the past two weeks but I couldn't face her with these mixed up feelings. I didn't want her to worry about me.
Perhaps people would say that I was so pathetic, that I should stop worrying about her feeling, that I should just confront her and demand an explanation from her...
....but I couldn't.
I loved her too much that I didn't want to have a fight with her. We never fought. Not even for once and I didn't plan to have one now.
Hayeon had asked me if I could visit her tomorrow night and I decided to come. Like I said, she would worry about me if I kept making excuses about why I couldn't come to meet her.
Besides I missed her. I really did. I missed the feeling of being with her, to see her smile, to hug her, and to know that our hearts were one.
Therefore I thought it would be the best if I could just talk with Onew. Maybe he would tell me what happened indirectly and erased my uneasy feeling.
"Hayeon-ssi?" he repeated her name and smiled with confusion. "Waeyo? Why did you ask me about her all of a sudden?"
"Ah, aniyo," I faked a laughter. "Curious. You two look really close lately. We even assumed that you're in love with her."
Onew's lips turned into a curve and it made my heart ached in pain. It's a smile of someone was in love. My intuition told me so.
"She is my first love," Onew answered right away. He gave me a shy grin, "What a small world, eh? I was shocked when I found out about it too."
Shocked? It was more like a lightning just struck me.
"Do you...," I clenched my fists silently, "...like her, Hyung?"
Onew smiled but not as wide as before, "Who doesn't like her? Of course I like her."
I was speechless. He wasn't playing around with his answer. He started to tell me about how he met Hayeon for the first time when they're little and how he thought that we could never forget our first loves.
Including the date he had with Hayeon, the day after Valentine's Day. Hayeon never told me about it. I thought she was out for work.
"Did you tell the others?" I asked him weakly. "About your first love, your date, and everything?"
Onew crossed his arms and answered, "Not yet but I did want to tell all of you. We're family and I don't think I can keep secret from four of you."
His statement caused a pang in my heart; I hid a big secret from them... and so did Hayeon. She hid so many secrets from me and I had a feeling she still had another secret that she didn't share with me.
"Her boyfriend is so lucky," Onew laughed softly. "I guess I never had a chance either from the beginning."
I held the urge to snap at him, for kissing Hayeon when he knew that she had a boyfriend already but I couldn't. To be exact, I didn't know what I should do at the moment.
So I just forced a smile to Onew and kept everything for myself.
It's like hiding a time bomb inside and it would explode anytime.
✂ ✂ ✂
I felt so exhausted after the intense dance practice but I still made my way to Hayeon's apartment. I don't want her to be disappointed because I broke my promise.
As much as I want to give her a dozen questions about her and Onew, my feeling for her is too deep. So deep that I actually think that maybe I just need to slide it away and act as if I know nothing.
However when I notice Onew's name on her laptop screen while she is at the kitchen, my curiosity is soon taken over by disappointment.
"Through years, Onew finally found his very first love. The one who gave him strength to keep going on for his dream, a lucky girl named Seo Hayeon."
She knew. She knew that she is Onew's first love. Is that why she let him kissed her that night?
Before I can think of anything else, Hayeon suddenly takes the laptop away and hugs it. Fear in her eyes make me realize that she didn't expect me to read it; she doesn't want me to see her name.
"Who is Onew Hyung for you?" the question escapes my mouth. No matter how hard I try to surpress the emotion, I can't do it right now.
"I can explain it," Hayeon puts the laptop away on the sofa, giving me a serious look. "It's not like what you think, Taemin."
To be honest her answer doesn't make me feel better. Not at all. I look away since it hurts more if I look at her, "I know you two became close but I never thought...,"
I sigh with frustration, "I just can't, Hayeon..."
Give up.
The words cross my mind but I stop myself from doing it. No. I don't want to give up on our relationship.
"Hayeon, you should have just told me if I'm not enough for you," I slip my hands inside of the pockets. It's really difficult to stay calm at the moment.
"J-Jamkkaman!" Hayeon can't hide her panic tone anymore. "Museun sorilhaneungeoya?"
My eyes meet with hers and I feel like tears will fall down in any minute when I force a smile, "You can never forget your first love. Now I know why he kissed you, Hayeon Noona."
Her eyes widen in shock. Is it because she didn't expect me to see the kiss? Is it because she knows what I will say after this? Or is it because another reason?
I close my eyes as my head aches. I head to the door and excuse myself, "I need to go back now. We'll talk later, Noona."
"Gajima!" Hayeon rushes to stop me. She blocks me from the door, stretching her arms. "Tteonajima, Taemin... Na-"
Without waiting for her explanation, I stop her with a kiss. I don't want to hear anything from her. Not now. So I just kiss her, hoping that she will understand how screwed I am right now.
I kiss her hungrily as if I never kissed her before. Hayeon grips my shirt, returning my kiss slightly since I am more dominant compared to her.
When a tear escapes her eyes, Onew's words snap me back to my senses.
"We're family and I don't think I can keep secret from four of you."
I break the kiss abruptly. I can see confusion in her eyes but the guilty feeling strikes me with no mercy.
"Apayo...," I grit my teeth, clutching my shirt as if my chest is bleeding. I can't stay here any longer. Not to see Hayeon cries because of me.
"Taemin...," she steps closer to me and touches my cheek with her delicate fingers. "Gwaenchana? We need to talk. I can explain everything. I swear I-"
"Pigonhaeyo...," I murmur, almost sound like a whisper. Tears are threatening to fall but I hold them back. "Jaljjayo, Hayeon Noona."
With that I leave her apartment with a broken heart and guilt, knowing that I just made the girl I love the most cried.
I love her so much that it hurts to see her with someone else.
I love her too deep that it feels like I'm dying because of the heartache.
I love her too much.
__________
Glossary #23
- Apayo (아파요) : it hurts.
- Pigonhaeyo (피곤해요) : I'm tired.
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