✎ Issue 30: Everything
Scandalicious
✎ Lee Jinki ✎
The night breeze strikes but I care nothing about it. I just tuck my hands inside of the pockets to keep them warm but still insist to stay alone at the public park.
There are only some citizens here and I don't worry about them at all. Besides I have a lot of things to fill my mind already. Being alone will not hurt me worse.
It still feels so bad inside that I can't describe it with words. I should have known it before but I guess I'm just too foolish.
Disappointment. Broken hearted. Those two words are the best to describe what I'm feeling inside.
Taemin, the youngest in our group, just told me that he had kept the lie for almost four months. It's not an ordinary secret; he's in a relationship! I don't restrict him for having a love life but at least he could have told us.
Meanwhile the girl I've been loved, the girl whom I loved even before we knew each other, is Taemin's girlfriend. Tell me how I can be alright with this situation?
Feeling that I could break down if I stayed any longer with them, I decided to leave Hayeon's apartment, letting two of them to be alone. What can I do anyway?
"I shouldn't fall for you...," I murmur to myself, staring at the night sky. My heart clenches with pain as I curse myself for being so stupid. "Lee Jinki, you know that she has a boyfriend already."
If there is anyone I must blame, it's me and myself. If only I kept the distance with Hayeon, this would never happen. If only I tried to control my heart, everything would be alright.
"Pabo ya!" I hiss, clenching my teeth as a tear is going to betray me. "You're the leader of SHINee... You need to be strong..."
My phone suddenly rings when the clock almost strikes midnight. I look at the caller's ID to find Taemin's name on screen.
As much as I don't want to answer his call, I still answer it; maybe he has returned and he is worried since I still haven't reached our apartment.
"Hyung?" Taemin's voice echoes. "Onew Hyung, eodi yo?"
I clear my throat and answer him with monotone, "Geokjjeong maseyo. I will return later."
"Hyung, Hayeon wants to see you," his next sentence surprises me. "Can you please come here?"
I don't get him. Does he know that I'm currently mad with him? Does he have any idea that he just told me that his own girlfriend is looking for another guy?
"Hyung, we'll wait for you here," Taemin states calmly as if our conversation is regarding about where we should have our lunch. "You know Hayeon's apartment."
The conversation ends just now. I lower my phone and heave a sigh with disbelief. The maknae is being such a king, isn't he?
Should I go?
✂ ✂ ✂
Here I am now, standing in front of the door to Hayeon's apartment room. Well, if I don't come, how long can I avoid Taemin? We're going to meet each other everyday anyway.
I knock the door thrice and Taemin opens it for me. He flashes me a smile, letting me to step inside. My eyes widen in surprise when I realize the figure sleeping on the sofa.
Hayeon is still sleeping.
"Mian, Hyung," Taemin says as I turn to face him with disbelief. "It's the only way to ask you to return here. We need to talk, Hyung. You know that."
He lied. Again.
"Hyung, jeongmal mianhaeyo," he bows to me in ninety degrees. "I'll say it a million times if I need to but, jebal, don't blame Hayeon. Blame me. Curse me. Anything. But don't hate her."
The fact that Taemin is defending Hayeon actually makes me feel pathetic. I could never hate Hayeon, even without him asking me to do it. My feeling towards her is not that easy to be washed off by hatred.
"Mollayo," I look away, trying to shove away the emotion to nowhere. "What are you thinking, Taemin? I might do something to her with this big secret of yours, you know."
"I know you will never do that," he retorts without any hesitation. His eyes show it.
"And so did I," I mutter slowly. "And look what have you done with my trust?"
I know I'm being such a jerk to say thing like this but I just can't hold everything inside anymore. It feels like it will explode sooner or later.
"Still...," Taemin keeps his faith in me. "You're like my own brother and I... Mian, for not telling you the secret but I promised Hayeon. Aren't you the one who taught me to always keep promises?"
"Who will you choose?" the silly question just slips out from my mouth all of a sudden. "If I ask you to break up with her, who will you choose? Your family or your girlfriend?"
It's wrong. It's not what a leader should say to his groupmate. I don't know what is wrong with me.
The silence fills the air. The awkward tension causes us to say nothing; we just stare at each other like we are sending words without voice.
"Hayeon is a family," Taemin gives me his answer. He looks at me with sharp gaze. "I'm not going to choose between you and her. You two are important for me."
This is pointless. I know that Taemin has a strong will. Making him to choose is just going to make our tension to be worse.
"Hyung, you know that SHINee is really important for me. I will not be here now if I'm not a part of SHINee," Taemin puts his right hand on chest. He clutches his shirt, "And, without SHINee, I would never meet Hayeon."
Without SHINee?
"What do you mean?" I raise my eyebrow. Come to think of it, I still don't know how they two could be together. What made they so close?
He finally tells me about how he met Hayeon because of Jonghyun's issue, that she came to visit our apartment at night and revealed her secret identity as exLibris, how they eventually met frequently, and finally he confessed to her.
From the way he talks about the girl, I know exactly that he loves her so much that he tries his best to keep the promise.
"It felt really hurt to know that you also feel the same for her, Hyung," Taemin continues with sad eyes. "Because if there is one thing I can't lose from you in this world... it's Hayeon."
"Are you trying to say...," I force a smile, "...that I should give up on her, Taemin?"
Taemin looks surprised with my reaction but he just need two seconds to reply me firmly, "I will never give up on her as long as she doesn't want me to leave her."
This is it.
From the very first start, it's obvious that I'm the third person. I can't be the 'boyfriend' for Hayeon no matter how much I want to.
I might have met her first before Taemin but that doesn't change the fact that Taemin won her heart, keeping it close with his.
"I love her and I mean it, Taemin," I pour out my heart, clenching my fists tight. "I never love someone this deep and painful before. I don't even know if I can ever love someone like this again."
Finally the teardrops I have been holding back roll down on my cheeks. I don't know what kind of tears they are but I keep speaking my thought out loud.
"But until the end of my life, you're forever my family. If your happiness is Hayeon, then I will do whatever I can."
I extend my hand for a handshake, "Because family is everything, isn't it, Taemin?"
Taemin doesn't bother to exchange a handshake with me. Instead he takes my hand to pull me for a brotherly hug, "Saranghae, Hyung."
Saranghaeyo.
I guess that's a word I will never say to Hayeon.
Everything feels so wrong yet right at the same time now.
__________
Glossary #30
- Geokjjeong maseyo (걱정 마세요) : Don't worry.
- Mollayo (몰라요) : I don't know.
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