✎ Issue 19: First Love
Scandalicious
✎ Seo Hayeon ✎
I take the last bite of my crepe and notice that Onew has finished his crepe already. He continues walking with a small smile formed on his face as if something interesting is waiting for us.
Trying to act as calm as possible, I follow him without saying a word since I must make sure that no one will notice an idol is walking around with me. It's definitely not a good thing to have a news about us on article headlines.
Last night I cried my heart out in front of Taemin. I was feeling guilty for crying on Valentine's Day, telling him about me as the adopted child and all but he could ease the feeling away with his proposal.
Yes, he proposed to me. Not an official one, he said, but still a proposal.
My cheeks start to blush slightly just by remembering the way Taemin asked me to marry him. His face was so close to me, his voice was echoing in my mind, and he held me warmly, as if he wanted to tell that everything was real.
I was surprised by the sudden turn of event but I knew that Taemin was not trying to pull a random joke with me. Therefore I told him that I would wait.
No matter for how long, but I'll wait for the day he propose to me officially.
After that I told him everything. About my father who died because of cancer, about my mother who became stressed after her husband went away and finally fell sick before leaving me forever.
I entered an orphanage for months before a woman visited me, asking whether I wanted to be her daughter or not since she always wanted to have a daughter.
She told me that she had a son and he was younger than me. Her husband lived in Japan and she wanted me to know if it's alright for me to leave Seoul.
At first I was scared. Could I fit in the new family? However I was a little kid and I wanted to feel the warmth of family, just like other kids, so I went to Japan with her.
Hajoong, my stepbrother, welcomed me happily. Even until this moment, he always calls me as 'Noona'. I'm so grateful that I can be a part of this family.
Taemin listened to my past story patiently. He hugged me and told me that they must be happy to have a daughter like me as well.
He walked me back to my apartment before he returned, telling me to take a good rest. As the result of crying so hard, my eyes are swollen and, even though I tride to hide it with make ups, Onew still noticed it.
When he touched my face, I tossed his hand away, surprised with his sudden act. I don't know if idols like them are used to act so close with each other but no one ever touches my face except my father and Taemin.
It's not that I don't like Onew or else but I'm supposed to write a scandalous news about Onew, not creating a scandal about me and him.
"Here we are," Onew states after we walked pass the stairs from stone. He led me to a place where we can see the city from above. "It's my favorite secret place."
There is almost nothing up here except a big old tree and some bushes. I guess people rarely come up here since the place is pretty high, causing people to be really tired.
"The sunset view from here is really beautiful," Onew gives me a big grin, stepping closer to the rusty fence. "It's such an unfortunate that I can't wait till the sunset today."
I know it. I know how beautiful the sunset view from here because it's used to be my favorite secret place too.
✂ ✂ ✂
Staying in the orphanage never made me feel better. Even though I could have many friends there and the workers were so nice, I just didn't like to be there all the time.
It was alone when my mother told me that my father had stayed in heaven but it felt really lonely now that my mother also went to heaven.
I didn't know why they left me alone. I always thought they didn't love me anymore. I cried and cried every night, waking up because of nightmare where I was trapped alone in the darkness.
One day, after a year spent in Tokyo with my new family, we returned to Seoul. I sneaked out from the house during an evening that I still awkwardly called 'home' yet and wandered around. After lurking around for a while, I suddenly felt a strange feeling called loneliness. Then I started asking people where heaven was. They gave me pitiful eyes, saying that I couldn't meet my parent anymore.
Heaven.
It's not a common word for a kid like me. I was already ten years old but, somewhat, I still hoped that Heaven was reachable. I didn't understand what it meant but a man told me it's a faraway place, high above from the place where I was.
I walked around and I was so happy when I found the stairs from stone, leading me to a really high place. I was really tired just even before I reached half of the stairs but I didn't give up.
In my mind, I believed these were the stairs to heaven, so I could see my parent again. I wanted to believe it that way.
When I reached the top, I could only see a big tree. The view was beautiful but I didn't see anyone there.
"Appa?" I called out for my father but no one answered me. "Eomma?"
No answer.
I broke down into tears because I realized I was all alone up here. Where was heaven? Where were my parent? Why was I alone?
I didn't know how long I cried but the sun had disappeared when I stopped. It was beautiful but it just made me feel more lonely.
My feet led me to the tree and I knelt down to pick a small stone. I carved a picture of a heart shape on the trunk, hoping that my parent could see that I loved them just so maybe they would be here tomorrow.
I returned to the exactly same place the day after that to find another shape on the trunk. It's a shape of sun, carved with a stone just like what I did yesterday.
There was no one there but happiness was overflowing. Maybe my parent replied to my message. I grabbed a stone again and carved a shape of a star right under the sun shape.
Two days later I came again in the morning but this time there was a letter, put under a bigger stone that I used. There was an arrow shape to point to the folded letter.
It was a short letter and it's not from my parent. However the letter actually gave me a warm feeling just by reading it once.
"Are you an angel?
I like star so thank you.
Cheonsa.
Let's meet someday.
Lee"
Lee.
The person didn't write his full name but family name. I didn't know if the person was a boy or a girl but I guessed it's a boy from the handwriting. I cried again after reading the letter but it's not sad tears.
I cried because I realized that maybe my parent were trying to tell me that I would be alright. It's like this someone who called me as his 'Cheonsa' gave me a hidden message.
I didn't know who he was or how he looked like but I guess...
...he became my first love.
✂ ✂ ✂
I never visited this place again after that day. I moved back to Japan two days after that and, unfortunately, I lost the letter and never found it again.
I was sad but my new family showered me with love, like what they always did, letting me to forget about my sad past. I graduated, grew up with journalism as my passion, and started to work as a journalist.
Despite the fact that twelve years have passed, I never forget about that letter. That's why when I fell in love with Taemin, I wondered if he is 'Lee', my first love, since his full name is Lee Taemin.
Isn't it an amazing coincidence if it's true?
However I haven't told Taemin about my first love. Our relationship is only three months old and I think we still have a lot of time to understand each other. Maybe I should tell him later tonight when he's free.
I land my gaze on the big old tree, the exactly same tree where I carved shapes on it with stone. Onew notices where I'm looking at and he mutters, "This is actually a really special place for me."
Onew looks around the tree and he smiles wider when he finds what he is looking for, "It's still here!"
Feeling that something is odd, I approach him and my eyes widen in shock when he is pointing to the heart shape I carved twelve years ago.
"I was playing around to find a place to practice singing and I found this place. One day I noticed someone carved a heart shape on the tree," Onew smiles. "I drew a sun as the return and, for my surprise, on the next day, I found that someone drew a star right under my sun drawing. This one."
I can't believe what he is trying to tell me.
"Then I wrote a letter and left it to whoever this person is. I have no idea why I never met the person so I called the person as 'Cheonsa'," Onew rubs the back of his neck shyly. "It's one of my untold secrets, you know."
Onew trails his fingers to the heart shape and continues, "The person never replied my letter but whenever I practiced here, I would look at the star shape and told myself that I could do better in singing."
My mind is already wandering somewhere else. I can't react to his story this time nor ask him to tell me more like what I always did.
"Eonjenga," he touches the star shape with his fingers, smiling as if he is remembering something good. "I will meet the 'Cheonsa' someday. I believe so."
"Lee," I murmur Onew's family name but he doesn't hear it. "Lee Jinki."
Onew... is my first love?!
__________
Glossary #19
- Eonjenga (언젠가) : someday.
- Cheonsa (천사) : angel.
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