66
Defence
They returned to the apartment a minute later and sat on the couch leaning against each other watching a movie together. When the movie ended Victoria looked to her left to see that he’d fallen asleep. Grabbing the remote control she turned off the TV and leaned against him with her arm entwined around his. Silently she asked the Lord above to forgive her for being so selfish that night. Then closing her eyes she curled up on the couch and leaned her head against his.
- - - - -
Taecyeon awoke the next morning. The only that that occurred to his mind was that his neck was sore. When he moved his arm he, only then, realized that Victoria had been holding onto him all night long. Looking around he saw that he was no where else but in his own apartment. Rubbing his eyes he gently slid his arm out of her clutch and got up wondering what time it was. There was about an hour left before work. He glanced back at Victoria and decided he didn’t want to wake her.
- - - - -
The knocking on the door awoke her. The first thing she did was look around for Taecyeon but when she realized he must have left already she sat up brushing her hair behind her ear. Walking to the door she opened it to find Yoona standing there.
“Did you just wake up?” Yoona asked.
“Uh…yea. Come in,” Victoria greeted.
When Victoria closed the door Yoona searched into her bag and pulled out a heavy paper box the size of a cell phone.
“Here, you asked for them a while ago but I could only get them now.” Yoona reminded.
Victoria looked at the box of ammo, “Thanks.”
Taking the box Victoria walked toward the bedroom and left it on the dresser then walked back out to find Yoona looking around.
“Are you hungry? Did you eat?” Yoona asked.
“No, I just woke up, remember?”
Yoona laughed, “That’s right. Do you want to eat here or go out for something? My treat.”
With that Victoria found herself sitting with Yoona inside a breakfast shop with a bagel in front of her and a cup of coffee on the side.
“What did you do yesterday? You look kind of tired,” Yoona commented.
Yesterday. Date. Chasing car. Taecyeon who came back. Victoria didn’t know if she wanted to talk about Taecyeon to Yoona. She didn’t want to upset her.
“I just stayed up late,” Victoria lied.
Yoona nodded as if she understood, “Is there anything you want to do today? I’ve been really bored these days.”
Victoria didn’t know any suggestions.
“I don’t know either but we could think of something,” Yoona said. “Maybe we could visit some old places together, recall old memories if that’s fine with you.”
“Memories?” Victoria repeated doubtfully.
She didn’t have much, honestly. And revisiting old places…she wasn’t sure if that would help revive her memory either. She’d long forgotten everything.
“Sure.” Victoria replied.
A few hours later Victoria and Yoona were walking in front of their primary school. Victoria didn’t know if it still looked the same or if the teachers she had were still there. They circled the school and passed the school playground. Victoria could only vaguely recall memories of falling off the monkey bars and landing on her knees.
“We used to play tag around this area,” Yoona pointed to the corner of the playground that was empty and bare.
“I don’t remember much,” Victoria said. “It was too long ago.”
Yoona put her hand down, “I don’t know why it’s become so hard to find something to talk about. We used to be able to talk for 24 hours nonstop.”
Victoria lowered her gaze to the woodchips covering the playground. It wasn’t her fault but why did it feel like it was hers?
“It’s been 14 years, we’re not the same. No one stays the same,” Victoria said. “By just bringing back memories won’t make us return to who we once were. I’ve already thrown myself away, only my physical self has come back.”
“I know,” Yoona acknowledged, “I find it hard to leave things behind. Especially since I’ve held onto it for such a long time. It’s not fair why things are like this.”
It was saddening to see her friend, a smart, cunning woman fall into despair like this.
“Why are you making it hard on yourself then? It’s not that hard to pass by,” Victoria said, “if it’s like that, then it’s just like that. You and I can’t change it. Nothing changes unless it decides to change itself and sometimes it calls for us to make the change, but I don’t think that’s the point right now.”
“It’s kind of difficult to listen when I already know that I can only see her…even when you’re in front of me, I can’t see you…not anyone else but her. She’s in my mind every single minute of the hour.”
“It’s just the way it is, huh?” Yoona rephrased.
Victoria felt that something was up. The kind of despairing silence she’d been feeling the past few days were hanging in the air but it wasn’t coming off of her. Yoona was transmitting the waves secretly.
“Why?” Victoria asked worried. “Did something happen?”
Yoona quickly recovered and smiled, “Nothing. Should we just walk around and talk?”
Victoria followed Yoona’s lead and they crossed some dead leaves blowing across a set of swings. She watched as her friend made her way over to the black swing and sat down. Yoona was down, Victoria knew it. Without a word Victoria joined her friend on the next swing and kicked her feet against the gravel to move herself back and forth gently.
They were silent.
“Do you want to come back?” Yoona asked. “We can keep everything else a secret, you know. I can talk to my dad and the Chief.”
Victoria stared at the ground. It was a desperate attempt to get her back in their lives and inside she recognized a yearning for home that made her feel ultimately homesick.
“It’s not the right time,” Victoria refused.
“Don’t you miss your parents?”
Victoria looked up toward the road in front of her.
“Sorry,” Yoona apologized from beside her. “I just feel anxious.”
Disappointment, sadness, and hurt carried on in her voice.
“I know, you’ve had a hard time and you didn’t deserve to go through all that. I’m sorry, Yoona.” Victoria said reaching her arm out and placing it on Yoona’s arm to comfort her, an act she would never have committed. “I’ll make it up to you, one way or another.”
Yoona stared at her surprised by her sudden initiation of physical contact.
“You shouldn’t have to apologize,” Yoona stated. “None of it is your fault.”
Victoria only smiled.
“Vic…”
“When I said I killed all of my memories, I really did kill them all. The first time I saw you at the banquet, I was wondering what kind of a stunning woman you were and how an uncool guy like Taecyeon was able to bring you along.” Victoria muffled a laugh. “Then I realized you were Im Yoona. I might have forgotten your face but I never forgot your name, and I never blamed you for that night. I don’t want to know that you’re still holding it against yourself, so let it go. I won’t hold anything against you…ever.”
Yoona stared at her for a long time feeling her heart thump then melt and soften. She honestly felt like crying. For some reason she was feeling so fragile that day. It felt as if something were knocking on the back of her head telling her that something was about to happen.
“Of course,” Yoona smiled.
They were quiet again.
“You said there are already differences in our lives that have changed us. We’re not the same so while we’re still here lets get to know each other some more and create more memories. Lets get to know our new selves and get old together,” Yoona perked up.
New memories. Those two words lingered on in Victoria’s memories.
“Yes, lets do that,” Victoria replied with a smile.
- - - - -
“Your schedule’s booked all day. We’ll be heading to Busan for a meeting in the afternoon and come back by tomorrow afternoon by plane.”
“Did Ok Taecyeon come in?” Donghae asked with a pen in his hand scribbling something down in his notebook without looking up.
“Yes, but I think he’s gone on break right now,” his secretary replied.
Donghae sighed. “When are we leaving?”
“Airport in an hour, sir.”
“Lets go now.”
- - - - -
Victoria trotted down the walk back toward the apartment late in the afternoon after the conversation with Yoona. Her feet came to a slow stop when she saw a figure sitting on the steps. With the sun slowly setting beneath the cold sky Victoria couldn’t see his face but only make out the shadow of his body. She became alarmed once he started to get up and only a second later did she recognize the car parked under the deep shades of the trees to the right of the building.
Why had she bothered to panic when Jung Min said he’d clearly give her a week?
“Where’d you go? I waited long.” Taecyeon told.
“What are you doing here?” Victoria asked with a small tint of coldness in her voice.
“I wanted to eat with you.”
Victoria wanted to let out an exasperated sigh then wondered why she wanted to when yesterday she’d been so clingy.
“Ok.”
“Are you tired? You look exhausted.” he commented half an hour later.
“I’ve always looked exhausted,” Victoria replied. “If you haven’t noticed.”
“Then I guess I never did,” Taecyeon smiled then picked up some meat and placed them on her plate. “Eat more when I’m not here, ok?”
Victoria, astounded, by his gesture didn’t know how to reply. She felt touched and at the same time she felt tired of her emotions.
***In my belief, Yoona should have talked to Victoria about her and Taecyeon. It would have relieved her and made her feel better.
***More regrets are yet to come.
Comments