63
Defence
- - - - -
Taecyeon lay down on the couch staring up at the ceiling meekly. If Yoona had turned around sooner…if only. In fact, he half wished he could have accepted Yoona’s feelings. If he had then he wouldn't be so tortured by Victoria’s coldness toward him. It was so hard to deal with her. As stubborn as she was he couldn’t leave her alone either.
“Ok Taecyeon, do you ever wonder if it’s possible to love two people at once?” he could hear Victoria’s voice in his ears.
Was it possible?
He didn’t know.
But was it possible that she loved Donghae, as well, even during the same time she was with him? What nonsense that was. He had never officially been with Victoria. He’d never announced to the world that he’d been with her.
“You don’t need to, you fool,” a voice scolded him from the back of his mind.
Was it not enough that during that month he’d found her she’d been with him, always? He didn’t need to hold her hand to tell everyone that she was his. He didn’t need to hug her every night before bed nor did he have to share a kiss with her every single morning to show that they were a couple. It was already something he was sure of, something he was confident about deep inside. That somewhere within Victoria’s hard exterior she felt the same way toward him.
He wouldn’t, for a moment, think that she had other feelings toward Donghae. And he, for a moment, wouldn’t think that he had other feelings toward Yoona.
- - - - -
Donghae hadn’t stopped by that afternoon so Victoria spent the fourth day all to herself. She flipped through the channels on TV and landed upon the cooking channel she always watched during that time of day.
“Why don’t you get up and do the dishes! How old do you think you are?!” she could hear Taecyeon yelling at her.
Flipping the channel to a sitcom Victoria lowered her hand clutching onto the remote control onto the couch and slightly glanced back to the kitchen. In her mind she could hear Taecyeon trying to teach her how to cook. How to cut the meat this way or that, to make it look pretty and neat. A small smile curved at the corner of her lips and she lowered her gaze to the ground.
- - - - -
When the evening sun had lit the sky with its dim colorful rays Donghae finally stepped down and headed for the lobby that was empty. For some reason walking pass the front desk made him stop. He searched around looking for something then realized that he was looking for Taecyeon, wondering if he’d gone back. Of course, he’d gone back. Lowering his gaze a thought occurred to him that every night while he was trapped in his home, Taecyeon was alone with Victoria. Taecyeon was able to do something he couldn’t. Should he be sad or not?
Outside of the revolving glass doors he found Yoona leaning against her car. When she noticed him she stood up with a small smile on her face.
“When was it that we last met?” Yoona asked as the waiter filled their champagne glasses with water. “Last week?”
“I don’t quite recall,” he answered coolly taking his cup for a sip.
Yoona folded both her arms on the table and leaned against it, “So much has happened that it feels like it’s been a long time.”
Donghae set his cup down and glanced at her, “Is there a reason you’re looking for me?”
“Not really,” Yoona said, “I just felt like seeking you out. Does it bother you?”
Donghae looked at her feeling the vibe that she was also in a depressed mood. Leveling himself to accept the truth that he wasn’t feeling well, he played along.
“It looks like we both will have to accompany each other tonight,” Donghae told staring at his glass cup.
- - - - -
Taecyeon had left the drinking stall hours ago but his mind still felt as if he were walking in a maze. He bumped into a pole once or twice before he came back to the apartment. Though he’d left his car at the front he’d paced back and forth circling the apartment dazed. He wanted to go in but he was also afraid of going in. Afraid another argument would stir up in the midst of a nice conversation. Why did he have to be so cautious around her? Why was it only him who had to be cautious? With these blurred thoughts he walked up the stairs falling over each step before making it to the door.
- - - - -
Victoria turned off the water and turned around when she thought she heard the doorknob being turned. There it was again. The rattling of the door. Victoria backtracked out of the kitchen and stood in the hallway staring at the door for a long moment before she thought she heard mumbling coming from outside. Quickening her pace she walked toward the door and unlocked it. Once the door opened she found Taecyeon sitting outside propped against the wall.
“What are you…” she started with a concerned tone before catching herself. “Get up.” she went more roughly.
He looked up at her and let his head roll to the side. A sigh escaped his lips.
“I’m here looking like this and you don’t even care?” he asked.
She refused to let her body move.
“You’re pathetic,” Victoria spat heading back in.
As she headed into the kitchen to grab him a cup of water she could hear him trying to get up and follow her inside. She could make out the noises of his feet shuffling against the ground before a loud thud finally turned her around. Setting the cup of water down on the table, Victoria headed out to find the door closed and Taecyeon lying on the couch like a sick person. Shaking her head she stared at him wondering why he’d even bother to come over in that state. Turning around to walk away she stopped at his voice.
“Yah,” he began, “where are you going? Can’t you see me? I’m right here!”
Pressing her lips together she turned around to look at him, “What are you doing?”
His eyes were red tired, his face a little contorted, but he still looked capable of holding himself in the right mind. Taecyeon was sitting up. After a long moment of staring at each other he finally stood up.
“I feel like I’m on the sea in a boat that’s lost. Just waving back and forth with the waves not going anywhere. I never started wondering about why I’m here until just yesterday. What significance is this all to me? I don’t know.” he went on then looked over at her. “You asked me if it’s possible to love two people at once. Why would you? Isn’t one person enough?”
Victoria felt her eyes grow narrow before she began frowning at him.
“You’re drunk.” Victoria realized.
“I’m not. I’m just speaking what I have in mind. I don’t keep things to myself and lie…I don’t want to be like you.”
Victoria snorted at his remark, “Are you angry? Are you throwing a fit? Be a bit mature, Ok Taecyeon.”
“I told you…not to call me that,” he reminded.
Victoria simply eyed him.
“Why are you here? I told you not to come by.”
“The more you tell me to leave you alone, the more I’ll keep coming by. Who are you to tell me who to love? If I want to see you, I’ll see you.”
“I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I thought we already ended things on good terms.”
“You assume it, I never declared it. If it goes by without my saying, then it never happened. We never ended anything,” Taecyeon stated.
“I don’t need you here.”
“I want to be here.”
Victoria gritted her teeth. “You should go.”
“Why should I go every time you tell me to?!” his voice thundered, bellowed throughout the room.
Victoria felt surprised with his determination to win over their conversation.
“I’ve yielded to you every single time! I know I’m there inside your mind somewhere, so why do you keep acting as if you don’t care? It’s not that difficult to show some emotion. Why can’t you show me that you want me too? Can’t you stop torturing me?” he ranted on before his voice became mellow. “I like you too much to leave.”
Victoria felt the tension building inside her slowly dissipate. Her heart cried. Why was he saying this to her now? Her mind spun. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to remain with the tough exterior or to crack it down.
“I keep hearing your voice, I keep thinking about you, worrying about how you’re doing, if you’re eating alright. If you’re having a hard time, if you’re bored or not. You occupy my mind everyday. Even if you want me to leave…I can’t. I like you…can’t you say the same?”
Victoria turned her face away. Why had he been having the same thoughts as she had? His voice rang in her ears as well…and she often thought of him even if she didn’t want to. But she didn’t want to…not him. She didn’t want to show him that she cared. She didn’t want to leave behind scars.
A small gasp escaped when she felt him place a hand on her shoulder turning her to face him. Something about him didn’t seem right…something was off. The look in his eyes were as if he was pleading for relief…
Unable to move or say anything Victoria felt him lean forward and give her a kiss. It was slow and tender. When she got the notion that he didn’t want to stop she tried to push him back, but he took a hold of her wrist to restrain her. In a moment she felt the door at her back. She had no desire to hurt him at that point but when his hand ped her sweater and tried to take it off Victoria used all her might to shove him off.
“Stop!” the word escaped loud and clear.
Taecyeon let go of her but she still remained trapped between him and the door. Her sweater slid halfway down her arm as a few deep breaths escaped her. Before she readied herself to throw him off something warm landed on her face and quickly rolled down. In a sense of confusion she looked up to see tears falling from his eyes. Victoria was at an immediate loss at what to say to him.
“You once accused me of being lonely,” Taecyeon recalled, “I’m sorry, I played tough and denied. In fact…my parents aren’t my parents. I just took someone else’s parents and made them my own. Yes, I wasn’t loved. I know a world of loneliness…something similar to you.”
He leaned forward and nestled his head against her shoulder.
“So can’t you…hold me just once?”
When she made out the quiet sobs coming from him, Victoria felt tears arise in her own eyes. Pity and sympathy engulfed her. She reached her hand up halfway to pat his back but dropped it when she realized there was no real comfort to give. It wasn’t possible…she just couldn’t.
Half an hour later with his arm slung over her neck she lugged him into the bedroom in Yoona’s uncle’s apartment. She half dropped him onto the bed before heaving a loud breath of exhaustion from struggling with him from the car into the elevator to his room.
Taecyeon had knocked out during the ride to the apartment…no, he had knocked out ever since she’d helped him into the car and driven him back. The peaceful expression on his face made her want to stay there and just watch him. However, the painful reality of life hit her. Before that night, she had never known anything about him. But now she knew he’d grown up as an adopted child, one that did not receive the care he should have received.
The pain she had witnessed in his eyes pained her. He had cried for some comfort he had never asked for but she hadn’t been able to give it to him. If she were a normal person…if she were a normal girl who had fallen in love with a man who worked as a bodyguard…if only things were normal she’d be able to hold him.
Victoria felt her heart lurch in prohibiting her from swallowing her tears. She hesitantly reached her shaky hand out and brushed it against his forehead then through his soft bristly hair. Taecyeon turned his head in his sleep and Victoria drew her hand back.
It was impossible for her to love him. Taking a step back she sketched his sleeping image into her mind promising to remember only his peaceful expression. She turned around closing the door and sat outside of the bedroom. With her back against the wall Victoria told herself not to cry. In order to leave him with good memories she couldn’t show an ounce of pain on her face.
- - - - -
Morning arrived as the season had arranged for it to. Taecyeon slowly opened his eyes and looked about his bedroom, his head looming with a throbbing ache. Wondering what happened he slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes feeling a bit strange. Suddenly he recalled seeing Victoria last night. Quickly jumping up from his bed he swung the door open to find the apartment empty.
Of course, Victoria was no where in sight.
A disappointed sigh escaped him before he turned to find a plate of cooked food sitting on the counter. Walking over, he grabbed the yellow note Victoria had left behind.
“Have a good breakfast.” it read.
A smile creased his lips before he reheated the food.
- - - - -
Victoria had done a lot of thinking last night while sitting outside his bedroom. Maybe she had done too much thinking. Her brain felt like it was on fire. She wasn’t sure if she was making a hasty decision based on intuition or if she was doing the right thing. But there was no turning back. Standing in front of the glass doors framed in gold Victoria swallowed before she headed inside. She had never been there. Not once.
The business lobby was large. Farther to the left was a nice glassy view of the outside traffic with a few plants here and there for decoration. Noticing the furniture sitting around the area she assumed it was an area for relaxation. There were two hallways extending further on both sides, though she couldn’t see where they led. In front of her was the customer service desk. A young woman in a neat business suit was sitting behind typing something into the computer when Victoria walked up.
“Can I help you?” the woman finally turned when Victoria peeked over the desk.
“Ah…” Victoria looked around wondering if she’d made herself seem awkward, “is Lee Donghae in?”
Comments