58
Defence
- - - - -
Victoria turned when her phone began ringing. It had been sitting on the corner of the coffee table all morning. As to who would call her, she didn’t have to even ask.
“I’m sorry for bothering you.” it was Donghae. “I heard you left the hospital. Is it ok to meet up?”
Victoria looked toward the window behind the television set and wondered if Donghae was outside.
“Where are you?” she asked.
- - - - -
At the sound of the phone ringing Taecyeon’s eyes opened and he looked around. His legs were fast asleep and his arms ached as well as his neck. He struggled to get up and when he finally managed to, he hobbled toward the door to hear Victoria talking to someone. Glancing out he found her on the phone. Taecyeon walked out just as Victoria disappeared out the door. Wondering where she’d have to go so early in the morning he headed toward the window to see her hurry into the street and get into the car. The same car he’d seen the same night he walked in on Donghae's proposal.
- - - - -
Just when Victoria had buckled her seatbelt her phone rang from inside her pocket. She glanced at Donghae before taking out her phone and answering it.
“Where are you? Where are you going?” Taecyeon’s quick voice asked.
Wondering how he knew Victoria turned around to try to look back toward the apartment just to see if Taecyeon was standing outside watching them drive off. But no one was standing outside.
“Don’t worry about me. You should eat and go to work.” was all she said before hanging up.
- - - - -
Taecyeon glanced at his phone distressed. Just where was he going to take her?
- - - - -
“Who was that?” Donghae asked. “Ok Taecyeon?”
Victoria turned to look at him, “Yea.”
“We won’t be out long. I know it’s not good for you,” he assured, “we’re going to stop by the hospital for a quick checkup and then I’ll buy you something warm to drink.”
Victoria glanced at him again. He needn’t be so worried about her. She wanted to say that but even if she said it, she knew he’d be insistent upon having his way so she remained quiet.
Returning to the hospital was as easy as it was hard. She hated going in for checkups. Even though it was probably her fourth time there she already began to dislike it. Maybe it was laziness on her part that she didn’t like going there. However the checkup proceeded by quickly and she was out in the hallway. The doctor met up with Donghae who had been waiting patiently.
“The fever’s almost gone,” the doctor told, “be sure to keep warm, alright? I’m not restricting you from going out but don’t do it too much. In your condition it won’t do you good if you keep moving about.”
Victoria nodded and watched Donghae thank his friend before walking her down to the cafeteria. As promised he bought her a cup of hot chocolate while he enjoyed a warm coffee. They sat at the far end of the room so that they were isolated from the others enjoying their lunch. She wondered if he had anything to say to her. He wouldn’t have brought her out if there weren’t something to talk about. But he didn’t say anything. Victoria began wondering if she should start off first. What had been on her mind ever since the night he proposed…she wanted to get it out.
“What you asked of me,” Victoria said staring down at her cup of hot chocolate at first, “I’m not good at these things. I have never encountered anything like this in my life before so if I’m awkward or show any signs of confusion, I think you’ll understand. I know I’ve explained to you before about what I’ve been through and I know you can imagine it as well. So you’ll understand if I can’t understand, right?”
She hesitantly looked up for any sign of emotion from him. But Donghae seemed afraid to share eye contact as well. Glancing back down into her cup she took a small breath.
“Marriage…as I understand it…is something you and Yoona almost had. It’s something two people commit themselves to, two people who are in love. I for one, don’t understand that kind of love. Marriage isn’t a possibility for me. I’ve never thought about it and have never yearned for it.” Victoria looked up. Maybe she couldn’t read his face, or she couldn’t see it inside him but even as she said the words to him she felt a bit guilty inside for having hurt him. “I’m sorry.”
She felt surprised when Donghae reached for her hand. “To marry you…it wasn’t something I needed and I never thought about it beforehand. So it’s alright.”
She looked up at him and their eyes finally met.
“Lets just put this behind us and start over, ok? Ok?” he asked feeling desperate to hear her say yes.
Victoria continued to look at him almost confused. Start over? Start what over?
“Give me a real chance to step into your heart. Other than just being here, I’d also like to know who I am to you. So during this time I’d like to find out, myself, where I stand in front of you. I want to know you more. Not what you did or where you’re from…but I want to know the present you. How you think, what kind of a person you are. I’m qualified for at least this, right?” he asked.
Victoria’s head spun, her heart raced. How was she supposed to answer to a question like that? Other than the guilt she already possessed from turning the marriage down…she hadn’t expected something like this from him. Why? What had she done wrong? Had she said something out of hand? Or was there something in all of this that she didn’t see? That she couldn’t understand?
One thing was for sure, she couldn’t say no. To be as fair to him as she would to anybody else, he did deserve at least a chance.
In reply she just nodded.
What had she gotten herself into?
- - - - -
Taecyeon stared out of the window as the car pulled in front of the apartment again. Victoria stepped out and gave a small bow before he drove away. He watched her disappear from sight as she headed around the corner to where the front door was. Turning around he waited for the door to open and when it did Victoria walked in as if she had just gone out for a walk. When the door closed she turned around and seemed to freeze when she spotted him.
“I thought you left,” she said.
“Did you want me to leave?” he asked as if she had meant it negatively.
Victoria continued to stare at him. All the hope she’d put on Donghae without knowing was killing her inside as it was already. She done something she hadn’t meant to and she didn’t want to do the same to the person standing before her. She didn’t want to hurt him.
“Don’t you have to go to work?” she asked.
His eyes never left her, “You’re not well, so don’t go out.” a pause. “Lets eat.”
“I already ate.”
His eyes became sternly still. It looked as if he were hiding something he wanted to show. “Eat with me anyway.”
She watched as he began to turn and walk toward the kitchen. If he did walk into the kitchen she wouldn’t be able to stop him.
“Ok Taecyeon,” she stopped him.
She watched him come to an abrupt stop remembering that he didn’t like her calling him by his full name.
“I told you not to have any feelings for me, didn’t I?” she asked. “I’m not one capable of expressing what others do, you know that.”
Taecyeon’s eyes sat on the ground for a moment then he lifted his head up to stare into the kitchen as if he were intent on going in there. “How does a human being not have feelings? Why don’t you teach me not to feel? Since you’re so good at it, since you’re so good at being cold.”
“You just do what you have to do. No questions. Forget everything,” Victoria slowly said.
Why was she so cold? Why did it seem that after a moment of happiness, it had to go as quick as it had come?
“Ok, you win.” he said. “I’ll go.”
A fight with her sounded too exhausting. As he walked pass her he hoped that somewhere inside she felt guilty about treating him like that. She didn’t have to act, she didn’t have to change her feelings so often to prevent herself from getting hurt, to prevent others from getting hurt. Because in the end, they were all going to end up either hurt or happy and he didn’t mind suffering from both.
- - - - -
Yoona stared into the clouds overhead just to kill time. She hadn’t left the bridge. There was no where to go. In part she was afraid to go to the apartment. She knew Taecyeon would be there to make sure Victoria was alright and would probably stay there until he felt like leaving.
Closing her eyes she emptied out her thoughts and exhaled loudly.
- - - - -
The lights were off, the door was creeping open and the gusty wind outside was blowing the branches of the trees. Carefully, the black shadow crept pass the moon glowing in the living room through the window. The fridge in the kitchen buzzed continuously as he slid pass it and down the short hallway. Finally reaching his destination he paused before the bedroom door and grabbed the doorknob with his black gloved hand then twisted it open. Just as expected, Victoria lay asleep inside. She wasn’t yet alert. Reaching into his back pocket he pulled out a sharp knife and quickly ran forward plunging it into her.
Victoria sat up in bed with her heart running wildly. Glancing around in the dark she found the moon shining in through the window as if it was telling her the moon had had its eyes on her all night. Putting a hand up to half of her face she closed her eyes and took a breath of relief.
Turning the lights on, she stepped out of the bedroom. Just pass the doorway her eyes moved over to the sofa where Taecyeon always slept. That night the sofa was empty. She swallowed turning away. She wanted to laugh at herself for even thinking of him.
In the kitchen she grabbed a glass of water and sat down. After a few minutes she walked back into the bedroom without turning off the hallway light. The cell phone sitting on the night table stared back at her intently as if crying for her to pick it up and make a call. Sitting on the bed she reached for it, unlocked it, and scrolled down her contact’s list. There were only three names: Donghae oppa, Taecyeon, and Im Yoona. She pressed on Taecyeon’s name and his information on her phone came up. For a while she ran her thumb above the call button but in the end she just set the phone down.
It was impossible. It wouldn’t work. Just because she’d had a nightmare for the first time in 14 years didn’t simply mean she could just turn to him.
“Remember Yoona?” she asked herself.
Victoria couldn’t forget her sad face, her disappointed voice. After Donghae, if she took Taecyeon, who else would Yoona have? For a moment she wondered if Yoona were crying, if Taecyeon was still awake. Who would the two of them be thinking of?
- - - - -
Cooped up with the morning’s conversation he couldn’t sleep. Staring up at the ceiling he could only feel the pain from her words. She was literally telling him that she didn’t want anything to do with him but he still wanted something to do with her. If Victoria hadn’t wanted anything to do with him she shouldn’t have told him she needed a place to stay. Nothing would have happened if he had never run into her in the first place.
No matter what, it had all happened. He’d run into her, he’d allowed her to stay, and when she could have left he followed her and told her to stay. It was a little crazy on his part. Whenever she wanted to leave he always held a stern no and blocked her way. If the night at the factory would never have happened, none of them would be where they were right now. They wouldn’t have to feel so troubled. He wouldn’t have to put up with Victoria’s arguments or her relentless stubborn nature.
If So Young had never held him hostage he would have never discovered what he’d always covered with his scolding. The night when Victoria had kissed him the hospital would have never happened. That kiss…it had been real, hadn’t it? Thinking back to it Taecyeon was sure that it hadn’t just been on a foolish impulse. Victoria wasn’t a foolish person. Even though she was quite clumsy, a little stupefied, and had little knowledge she would have never initiated something like that without a reason.
With that he ran that morning’s conversation with Victoria over in his mind. She’d definitely had a reason for being cold.
“I…like you.” Yoona’s voice ran over in his mind.
It finally struck him. Had Victoria been aware of that fact all along? Why was it like that? Why couldn’t it be like that since the beginning? If Yoona had told him those words at the beginning he wouldn’t be where he wasnow. Why were things working out that way? Things that he had never expected were suddenly turning up one by one.
Giving up on sleep he got up and walked out to the kitchen to grab a cup of water. He sat there until sleep grabbed him.
***Victoria is slowly becoming depressed by her burdens =( Her first nightmare in a long time brought her the desperation for comfort and she wanted it from no other than Taecyeon. This shows that she does have feelings for him but she's refusing to harbor them.
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