57
Defence
- - - - -
While reheating the chicken and making new rice in the rice cooker he went in to check up on Victoria. Walking into the bedroom he found her asleep in his jacket. With a knee on the ground he propped both his arms onto the bed and watched her sleep. It gave him a kind of secure feeling to know that Victoria felt so much better at the apartment. And while he watched her sleep he fell asleep himself.
- - - - -
The sun was too bright. Because it shone into the room directly toward her Victoria creased her brows before finally opening her eyes. Her head spun slightly from sleeping too much. She stretched her arms and legs before finally turning her head to see that Taecyeon was sleeping on his arms. Sitting up she glanced at him and could imagine how stiff his muscles would be when he would wake.
Getting off the bed she walked down the short hall toward the kitchen discovering the chicken in the microwave. She wondered if they still tasted any good. When she took them out she found that they had hardened from last night. Without much thought she tossed the chicken into the trash and made some soup for breakfast. After her simple completion she stepped out of the kitchen and glanced down the hall toward the bedroom.
Finally slipping out of the jacket he’d handed her last night she placed it on the couch and walked toward the bedroom. Glancing at Taecyeon again she wondered what kind of a good dream was he having. He looked too peaceful for her to wake up. She stood by the door for a minute and walked back down the hall to have breakfast alone.
After she cleared the dishes she sat down on the couch. She was planning a day in and if anyone else were to stop by she readied herself for a no.
As she sat there in complete silence she recalled Donghae’s countless apologies in the hospital. What exactly had he been apologizing for?
- - - - -
“You’re just infatuated. You don’t have any real feelings toward her. If you do then it’s just puppy love, your love doesn’t exist.”
“What kind of a guy wants to marry a girl he knows nothing about? Only a month after having found her in my home you want to go all out for her?! Are you kidding me?” Taecyeon boasted. “You just want to possess her. You just want to own her. But you don’t care about what will happen to her. You’re so blind to it all that you don’t even understand what you’re putting her through. What kind of a guy treats a girl like that?”
Was it really like that? Donghae didn’t know. Had he treated Victoria like an object? Something he just wanted to own? Was she just something he wanted to bring around with him wherever he went just to show off that she was his?
No.
Donghae denied it. He didn’t treat Victoria like that. He had never treated her like that.
“You’re so blind to it all that you don’t even understand what you’re putting her through.”
Why? What was he putting her through? What were Victoria’s feelings exactly? If she never told him, how was he supposed to know? Was he just supposed to take a guess at how she felt about him?!
It was so frustrating. The more he thought about it the more he was unsure about where his feelings stood now. Where Victoria stood in his life. Where he stood in hers. What they were to each other. He didn’t know anymore.
And again he began wondering…was it dangerous to get close to Victoria? Why? What would happen if their relationship pulled through?
He turned from where he was sitting in his desk chair and stared at the box holding the ring. How had he let his mother chide him into bribing Victoria into a marriage with such an awful piece of jewelry that deserved better?
“If you bring a ring to her she’ll have to immediately say yes! What kind of a woman would reject such a beautiful piece of jewel?”
Donghae was going crazy. Why his mother kept interfering…he didn’t understand.
“Are you sure…the wedding isn’t something you’ve thought about, but your mother has?”
He reached for the box and tossed it against the wall then watched it tumble to the ground.
“Damn box!! All because of one ring! All because of money!” he shouted standing up from where he was sitting.
Was he going to lose everything because of just a ring? He didn’t know. He didn’t know anymore.
He let out a shout and shoved everything on his desk to the floor.
The bedroom door suddenly opened and his mother poked her head in. gaped open as she saw the mess on the floor.
“What are you doing? Are you crazy?!” she asked.
Donghae turned to look at her, “Yes! I’m crazy! Your son is going crazy!!”
She scrunched up her face, “Yah! What’s going on? Did you do what I told you to do?”
“Mom!” he shouted. “Leave me alone! Please!”
“Wh…what?”
“I never cared about the marriage! So stop bringing it up. Stop pressuring me to force her into a marriage that she doesn’t want.” Donghae pleaded.
“She doesn’t want to marry you? What kind of girl doesn’t want to marry a well off man like you?” his mother asked unable to relate to his feelings.
“Can’t you understand? Mom, if I wanted to get married I’d want her to agree willingly. Not through something like this.” Donghae tried. “Yoona was never interested in a marriage, you only brought it up to her parents who agreed willingly. And this time…you want to do the same thing?”
“Well, why does it matter?” his mother shrugged. “Everyone wants a good marriage where their partner is successful and full of money. If kids can’t make the decisions for themselves, the parents will. You’re only so young once.”
Donghae turned away feeling too oppressed. “Am I money then? Money you want to trade with someone else for their daughter and in exchange gain a large plot of land?”
“Why are you comparing yourself to an object?” his mother asked.
“I don’t want to live like this, I’m not going to live like this,” Donghae stated. “Leave me alone, please. If I want to make a decision, why can’t you support me?”
“What other kind of support do you need other than money?”
Donghae shut his eyes, “I’m leaving, mom.”
With that he walked through the door.
Out of the house he heaved a loud long sigh and kicked the ground. He wanted to run to someone…he wanted to go to Victoria but he didn’t know if it was alright to. Because of Taecyeon’s words and because of his mother, he was even beginning to doubt his own feelings. It was hard believing himself.
Five minutes later he looked up from the cold waves to see Yoona walking toward him in an overly thick jacket. For once she had tied her hair back.
“What’s with you this morning? I didn’t expect to hear from you at all,” Yoona said propping her elbows onto the black railing of the bridge then turned to look at him. “It doesn’t look like something pretty happened this morning. What’s up?”
“Just thinking. I feel too oppressed in my house,” he explained, “I feel like I’m living under a totalitarian government.”
“That’s a nice way of putting it,” Yoona sarcastically commented.
“Well…how else should I say it?” he asked. After a pause he went on, “There’s a lot of things running through my mind. It makes me unsure of myself.”
Yoona glanced away from him and turned to look out at the blue sky, “And what can I do about that?”
“Then can you tell me, because I don’t have the decency to ask her. She usually never tells me anything,” Donghae said. “What place do I hold in her heart? What am I to her?”
“We,” Yoona started, “only begin wondering about that when we feel insecure. What’s the problem? Shouldn’t you know the best answer to that before asking me something like that?”
Donghae knew she was right but he still wanted to hear an answer, he still wanted to hear someone give him an answer. Something that would assure his feelings. That he was right in all of this, that he wasn’t just blind to what he wanted.
“Do you know the meaning of insecurity?” Yoona asked.
Donghae didn’t answer.
“It comes when we feel like we’re alone,” Yoona told.
“Are you saying I’m putting myself in a one sided relationship?”
“I didn’t say that,” she pointed out, “all I’m telling you is why we feel insecure at times. As for where you stand in her heart and what she thinks of you, I honestly don’t know. I’m not Victoria so I can’t give you an answer. Even if you’re afraid, it might be best to ask her yourself. Break that shell of yours. If you’re fearful now, you won’t ever stop being scared.”
He took her words into thought.
“The questions you have for yourself are the only ones you can answer for yourself.” Yoona said. “We’re all going to get hurt sooner or later. It’s just a matter of luck, whether you try and win, or you try and lose. It can’t be helped after all.”
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